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Pregnant - drugs - boyhfriend - ?

raveninSJ

raveninSJ

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 2, 2011
Messages
12
Location
San Jose, CA
So I've had a pretty hardcore meth addiction for about 6 years of my life. I started using when I was 17, and I'm 23 now. I've had no reason to quit (in my mind), until about a month ago when I found out I was pregnant. (I'm 11 weeks now) My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now, (yes, both using meth the whole time) and we've been living together ever since we first met. Totally unhealthy sounding so far I know. Anyways...So a month ago, I quit. That lasted only 7 days. Then I relapsed for a day, quit for 3, relapsed, quit for 3, relapsed. and it goes on and on. I know I know, i already sound like a horrible person considering I'm pregnant, but addiction is a mother f*^%$, and I just started going to meetings as of tonight, and even got myself a sponsor.
My bf didn't go into the meeting with me, because he said he wasnt dressed right, and he felt weird because he was high and sweating (I was high too). So whatver. I need to do MY program, so I went in by myself while he waited for me.
I have cut off everyone I know that uses. Because I know for a fact, that if I am around that shit, I am GOING to use it. That would just be setting myself up.
Well..my bf has a friend of 28 years that he still talks to and "hooks up" because he has no other connections. So, I dont trust that my bf wont use it, so I tag along, and of course, the inevitible - we use it. Thats why this 2-3 day sober thing and relapsing pattern keeps coming.
As soon as I see the little baggie - my mind is made up - I'm using it. He knows this. I'm not strong.
I should leave him and do whats best for me - but sad to say - we depend on each others income to support our living. WTF do I do?
Take into consideration my mind isn't right yet, seeing as how I used tonight after my 3 day clean spree.
 
You said that you should do what's right for YOU and leave your boyfriend - Well, if you are going to be a mother it's always what's right for the child NOT YOU. A child's needs are what comes first and foremost in parenthood.

You need to make the decision of what's more important, the baby you are carrying or the drugs. You can't have both. I know from personal experience that it isn't easy to fight addiction. But, if you choose to fight you'll have no other choice but to leave your boyfriend. If you are receiving prenatal care talk to your doctor about options. Be honest and tell the Doctor about your drug use. Maybe you could go to an inpatient facility. There are transitional shelters available for pregnant women who are addicts. Or if you do choose the drugs then you'll need to do as sockpuppet said and please get an abortion. Good luck to you.
 
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Absolutely if you are going to keep this baby you need to get away from your boyfriend. This is a serious situation now - your baby's life is depending on you now. Think about if you were in your baby's shoes - how they are going to feel when they grow up. Imagine it was your mother who did this to you. Your choices now will influence your baby, this new person's whole life.

I also had a long meth addiction so I know how hard it is to quit. I know that it would be impossible to quit with a boyfriend in my life who was using it. You managed to stay clean for 7 days and that's no small feat when you're deep in meth addiction. You should congratulate yourself for that. It also shows you have it in you to quit for good. You must remove yourself from your boyfriend and any other influences for your baby though. In the future perhaps you and your child can have a relationship with him, but I think the downsides of not having a father around pale in comparison to the real physical and mental damage this baby may be suffering due to your use.

You're responsible for someone else's life now. You will influence how this baby's life turns out. Please do the right thing and give this child a fair shot at life.
 
ugh. i'm sorry you're going through this. but you may have already done some permanent damage to your baby.

i agree with going down the abortion route. you can't take care of yourself, you will not be able to take care of a child.

not trying to come across as harsh, but that's the reality of the situation. get yourself clean and then think about kids.
 
^ i agree with the above: get yourself clean and then think about kids.

i'm 31 weeks pregnant. i'm 29, have a stable career, stable 4+ year relationship, i'm emotionally healthy and have never been addicted to drugs or used drugs during my pregnancy. even with being in a pretty good situation to have children, i'm stressed out with balancing work, life, my relationship, the overwhelming task of preparing for a child AND growing a human being.

my point is: it's fucking tough even in the best of circumstances and, when the baby actually arrives, it's only going to get tougher. i couldn't imagine dealing with the things i do, or being a first-time parent AND adding into it a serious addiction and co-dependent relationship with a shitty partner.

really weigh how you plan to parent this child. consider how you might parent a child with serious disabilities (this is a consideration even if the mother didn't use drugs in her pregnancy). consider the cost, the time, the patience, the life you want to give to your child and ask yourself if that's something you can commit to and provide. a baby isn't going to make things better, they're only going to make things harder.
 
Why don't you just get an abortion, and if you want a baby sometime in future do it after you've conquered your meth habbit?
It would be alot easier that way.
But you have to get onto it quickly if you're 11 weeks along.

I don't agree with the others about needing to be married or whatever before you have a baby though, I know alot of single parents doing an excellent job at raising children. Actually I think being in a relationship complicates having a child, because you have all this other relationship stuff to deal with, but if you're single you can focus on your child.
 
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first i want to congratulate you on attempting to get clean.

please don't take offense to this, but 11 weeks is a long time to be carrying a baby while using. It is probably in the baby's best interest to abort the pregnancy for a few reasons. the most obvious reason is that you may have caused the baby significant and irreversible damage due to your usage. its not fair to bring kid into the world knowing the damage it will possibly have to grow up with.

This isn't definite, so let's say you stop using for now and the baby is born healthy. Unless you completely uproot your life and relapse is not an option, the kid will be brought up in a world of dysfunction and see/experience things kids shouldn't have to deal with (yet often do). If you manage to get clean, i imagine you would leave your boyfriend (or at least keep the kid away from him). I can't imagine how hard it would be to be raising a kid on your own, dealing with recovery and the recent break-up, finances, etc. all at the same time!

It sounds like your mind is going in the right direction even if you're not completely there yet....if you get clean you could have a child in a more stable environment with no risk of damage caused by use when the opportunity arises in the future.
 
Everyone is telling you the same thing. You need to stop using. You NEED to stop. It's completely unfair and selfish to the baby. I know addiction is hard, but just because something's hard doesn't justify bringing in a baby with severe birth defects. You absolutely need to either stop immediately, leave your boyfriend, and hope there hasn't been irreversible damage to your baby....or you need an abortion. Either way you need to talk to your doctor.

It's your choice to use and you can do whatever you want to yourself...but you have a baby inside of you. Stop using.
 
I'm sorry but I think abortion may be the best thing. Trust me I know it will be hard but then again it will be harder seeing your child struggle through life because of your drug abuse and everything else. Such as if you cause him/her permanent damage. Other than that I've been in foster care for a year until my mother got me back and I still am effected by it till this day. I even was put in a group home ect less than a year ago and that was hell. Don't put your child through that shit. Don't have them be trapped in the system because you were selfish. Selfish to keep the child. Do the right thing. I mean quit or have the abortion and even if you quit. You then should give the child up for adoption. I'm sorry but I think relapse might me inevitable by the looks of it... So don't keep the kid unless you know that statement is wrong.. Cause then things will be good then bad and then good then back to bad again until one day the state takes hIm away.
 
littlepenguin.....that was very awesome of you. i have a dear friend from HS that gave a baby up for adoption. very hard, but very nobel.
 
Thank you everyone for your honesty. Its hard hearing the truth. I started hitting meetings and I'm working on my fourth step. I'm going to stick with the steps, and stay clean.
 
well, good luck. if you're planning on keeping the kid, just make sure you are 100% honest with your doctor about your drug use.
 
That's great that you are determined to stay clean. If you haven't found a sponsor and a support system, I suggest that you do so. Whenever you possibly feel tempted to use, a sponsor and adeaquate support people can help you fight the craving.
 
I just want to interject into this thread to say that we shouldn't judge the OP. She is going through a really difficult situation and clearly does want to do the right thing - she's just having a hard time doing it, hence why she came to ask for our guidance. OP, please don't feel like we are shaming you. Your heart is in the right place so I, for one, admire you.

That said, I do think you need to consider the future and viability of this child before it's too late. PLEASE get some counseling ASAP! If you are in the United States would you mind sharing your state/metro area? I can point you toward low-cost counseling options (I work for a women's crisis center). The goal of this counseling would be to help you 1) find resources to get you off meth for good, 2) find medical care to advise you on your pregnancy, 3) find alternative housing options for you if you can no longer live with your boyfriend.

It is tempting for us to say you should "ABORT RIGHT NOW!" but this is really something you should discuss with a doctor first and also get counseling to get your head in the right place to deal with this.
 
So if her head isn't in the right place for an abortion it will automatically be in the right place to look after her child for the next 18 yrs?

It is past being about her now and it is everything about the welfare of the child. If she continues to use then she shouldn't have the baby.
 
Abortion.. not fun to hear..not fun to say..

at least adoption..

who the fuck want a meth addict mother ?!
 
I'll keep it simple and share some of my experience. Some of you may be tired of hearing about it... Oh well.

I became pregnant within a month of quitting xanax abuse (known to cause birth complications). I continued to abuse methadone, given to me by my child's father. He knew I was pregnant. He gave me marijuana because it helped with morning sickness. I used to use this website to decide what drugs to abuse during my pregnancy. Totally fucked up thinking. But in truth, most days of my pregnancy I was sober. Because I was no longer substance dependent. I would occasionally substance abuse.

At 4 months pregnant, I bought a 1-way ticket home. I left her dad. After a month of phone calls, everything seemed good. He had rapid-tapered off the methadone. He was going to be clean! He came to the state where I was living. We were both still sick and "white knuckling it".

She was born...I nursed... Within a few months of her life weed came in, then vicodin, then oxy, then gear, and so on and on. I nursed her until 18 months. I tried to time my dosing just right but come on... I always felt a sick sense of doom over my head. Even smoking weed kept me sad for what might be getting through the milk.

I left him again but I was stuck with a heavy habit. I ended up losing custody because I neglected her when I was in withdrawl states. Then I really hit the ground running.... finally decided it was time to start my DCFS "services" including 12 hours a week outpatient, 3 other random classes, and weekly therapy. After 6 months of intensive outpatient. After 9 months of therapy. I have FINALLY a solid foundation of mental health.

It's not about "just quitting". It goes so much deeper in being mentally fit!

Good for you for reaching out for help. I did that too (on a mothers' forum) and they were not compassionate. It sucked.

But do something. The first step is getting away from him.

Even if you don't plan to get away from him, let's pretend. What would your options be for leaving him?
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