>Marquis<
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 13, 2006
- Messages
- 138
Predator.
He'd be all sweat, and gushing words (8 )
And eyes that flit like timid birds (8 )
Gone in through a window. (6 )
You'd feel it grow; beneath your wing(8 )
A tender place for this poor thing (8 )
So softened of harsh winds. (6 )
You'd give of your very self, and more (8 ) (OR: You'd give your very self, and more, [7 ])
A fine veil, love; his callous core (8 )
Tendrils deep, clasping yours. (6 )
So basically its about meeting someone who's been damaged by life, and seems so soft, such a victim in need of help, that you feel compelled of compassion to help this person. You grow to care for them. Blinded by concern you fail to see that beneath the bruised shell lies a callous, selfish core, hardened by their life's experiences. Before you know what's happening this person has drained you of your vitality, used you up.
With the 3rd stanza, I'm not sure about the first line. I think it sounds better with the second version presented "You'd give your very self, and more" but that interferes with the tempo/structure somewhat as it's only 7 syllables instead of 8 which is the format I'm using for the first 2 lines of each verse. What do you think works better? Does the second version with 7 syllables hurt the rhythm, or the first? It almost sounds better just with the 7 syllables to me but I'd like some feedback.
I'm also somewhat uncomfortable with the final line of the 3rd stanza, I don't like that it rhymes with the preceding 2 sentences and I would prefer to have something that didn't rhyme like that, can anyone think of something better?
Also I've given the explanation of what it's about because I can't think of anything for the final stanza, I'm totally blocked. It should be about the painful end to the relationship in which the person realises that the second character is actually callous and selfish and has basically drained the first person emotionally. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Also I'm a little bugged by the shift in imagery from that of birds to that of some kind of creepy plant's roots, does that flow badly? Could it be improved, like is there any kind of bird or bird related imagery that could be used instead of the tendrils thing I've used? Is that a dumb question? I'm a little braindead today after a weekend of downers, lol, so my mind isn't functioning at it's best!
Thanks guys, here's some preemptive appreciation for your help!
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
:D 
He'd be all sweat, and gushing words (8 )
And eyes that flit like timid birds (8 )
Gone in through a window. (6 )
You'd feel it grow; beneath your wing(8 )
A tender place for this poor thing (8 )
So softened of harsh winds. (6 )
You'd give of your very self, and more (8 ) (OR: You'd give your very self, and more, [7 ])
A fine veil, love; his callous core (8 )
Tendrils deep, clasping yours. (6 )
So basically its about meeting someone who's been damaged by life, and seems so soft, such a victim in need of help, that you feel compelled of compassion to help this person. You grow to care for them. Blinded by concern you fail to see that beneath the bruised shell lies a callous, selfish core, hardened by their life's experiences. Before you know what's happening this person has drained you of your vitality, used you up.
With the 3rd stanza, I'm not sure about the first line. I think it sounds better with the second version presented "You'd give your very self, and more" but that interferes with the tempo/structure somewhat as it's only 7 syllables instead of 8 which is the format I'm using for the first 2 lines of each verse. What do you think works better? Does the second version with 7 syllables hurt the rhythm, or the first? It almost sounds better just with the 7 syllables to me but I'd like some feedback.
I'm also somewhat uncomfortable with the final line of the 3rd stanza, I don't like that it rhymes with the preceding 2 sentences and I would prefer to have something that didn't rhyme like that, can anyone think of something better?
Also I've given the explanation of what it's about because I can't think of anything for the final stanza, I'm totally blocked. It should be about the painful end to the relationship in which the person realises that the second character is actually callous and selfish and has basically drained the first person emotionally. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Also I'm a little bugged by the shift in imagery from that of birds to that of some kind of creepy plant's roots, does that flow badly? Could it be improved, like is there any kind of bird or bird related imagery that could be used instead of the tendrils thing I've used? Is that a dumb question? I'm a little braindead today after a weekend of downers, lol, so my mind isn't functioning at it's best!
Thanks guys, here's some preemptive appreciation for your help!
:D 
