I have my own demons, but I try my best to not let them get into my relationships with family and friends. My brother is going through a really bad time right now, and there is literally not a goddamn thing i can do to make it easier.....he is just spinning himself into oblivion....and paranoia. He is already schizophrenic....on top of not sleeping for weeks at time. I'm just waiting for the call to come and identify his body. Is anyone else dealing with something similar? How the fuck do go through the fucking day without worrying every second....and feeling guilty?
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powerless over someone else's demon...
- Thread starter spinchick
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First off, I want to assure you that you are neither guilty nor responsible for the actions of your brother and consequences thereof. You can't take responsibility for an adult person's actions. Caring for someone and taking responsibility are two different things.
I once was in a relationship with a girl who strangely happened to always need my help after we broke up. There were heroin/morphine and cocaine involved. I know how it all works too well as I went through opioid addiction and did many stupid things along the way too. She would call me from somebody's flat at night telling me she either overdosed or that she thinks she's about to overdose. And she did multiple times. I can still remember driving like nuts to a hospital through the centre of one big city, because I had her on the back-seat spaced out and I knew she could die any minute... That was a few years ago. A few weeks ago she got beaten by her guy who happens to be a policeman and provided her either with drugs or money for. She called up her friend to come and eventually after all these years she got to detox for the first time in her life of her own free will (earlier she ran from two rehab centres). The case has come up in a court, because she was hospitalised for more than 7 days and finally she's about to get on the maintenance program.
Now, there was absolutely nothing, and I mean it, that would have stopped her before. She did what she wanted and she wouldn't listen. Back then I was addicted to morphine/opioids i.v. myself and when I detoxified myself, I offered her that I could help her get that monkey off her back, but she never wanted to. When we were still together, at one time we both switched to methadone to gradually taper down. When she was feeling bad, the first thing she did was taking a bus to get the city 170km away to get heroin, instead of talking to me. I was there for her and wanted both of us to get out of that hell. No way! She didn't even see when her later boyfriend sold morphine to her younger sister, she was so high (or rather low...) all the time. I talked to the guy myself, because otherwise he would make a 16-year old an addict to one of the worst drugs to come off.
I am sure that you've been through terrible moments because of your brother and his actions, and I'm sure that you've been trying to help him and I bet he rejects any kind of help. He may do it all, he's an adult person, right? Is his schizophrenia so serious that he can't think clearly and doesn't know what he does? I doubt that after reading your post. You've got your own life and don't let it slip by devoting yourself to a person who doesn't want it or doesn't care. You need to set the limits for your own good and your family's. Otherwise you'll be not only hurting yourself, but also you'll be harming other people close to you. You can't force your brother to slow down, you can't make him seek professional help. Right now it's you who needs help to sort it all out, so you don't suffer. You see, back then when I was deeply addicted and aside from shooting up I would pop any amount of chill pills I would have, and although I had glimmers of conscience, most of the time I thought I was perfectly fine with what I did and assured myself this was the only way for me to live, because with no chemical aid to space myself out all my problems would weigh me down and I felt that nobody understood me. It took years before I myself decided to get off.
I would advise you to seek some therapy for yourself. You don't have to go hardcore, you may look for some group therapy with meetings once a week, so you can share all your negative feelings and emotions with other people who go through similar problems. For a short period of time I went to such meetings and there were more people like you who had problems with their brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, husbands, and wives than people with the original problem hurting their close ones. Places offering such therapies usually have people who can serve you also with legal advice and tell you what your options are to further help your brother depending on the situation. You need to figure out how to bring some peace to this chaos you're currently living in. And that's definitely a way to go. If your brother sees his mistakes and reasons why he's failing in life right now, then it'll be of benefit to him too as there'll be a place for him to turn for professional help.
You described the situation generally, but I suppose there are some stimulants and probably other drugs involved. Until he stops using, it'll be very hard to convince him he's doing harm both to himself and to other people. At the moment you are manipulated by him who most probably isn't 100% aware of what he's been doing and how it will end if he doesn't change.
Wish you all the best! Be strong and most importantly do not blame yourself, because you're making yourself codependent that way.
I once was in a relationship with a girl who strangely happened to always need my help after we broke up. There were heroin/morphine and cocaine involved. I know how it all works too well as I went through opioid addiction and did many stupid things along the way too. She would call me from somebody's flat at night telling me she either overdosed or that she thinks she's about to overdose. And she did multiple times. I can still remember driving like nuts to a hospital through the centre of one big city, because I had her on the back-seat spaced out and I knew she could die any minute... That was a few years ago. A few weeks ago she got beaten by her guy who happens to be a policeman and provided her either with drugs or money for. She called up her friend to come and eventually after all these years she got to detox for the first time in her life of her own free will (earlier she ran from two rehab centres). The case has come up in a court, because she was hospitalised for more than 7 days and finally she's about to get on the maintenance program.
Now, there was absolutely nothing, and I mean it, that would have stopped her before. She did what she wanted and she wouldn't listen. Back then I was addicted to morphine/opioids i.v. myself and when I detoxified myself, I offered her that I could help her get that monkey off her back, but she never wanted to. When we were still together, at one time we both switched to methadone to gradually taper down. When she was feeling bad, the first thing she did was taking a bus to get the city 170km away to get heroin, instead of talking to me. I was there for her and wanted both of us to get out of that hell. No way! She didn't even see when her later boyfriend sold morphine to her younger sister, she was so high (or rather low...) all the time. I talked to the guy myself, because otherwise he would make a 16-year old an addict to one of the worst drugs to come off.
I am sure that you've been through terrible moments because of your brother and his actions, and I'm sure that you've been trying to help him and I bet he rejects any kind of help. He may do it all, he's an adult person, right? Is his schizophrenia so serious that he can't think clearly and doesn't know what he does? I doubt that after reading your post. You've got your own life and don't let it slip by devoting yourself to a person who doesn't want it or doesn't care. You need to set the limits for your own good and your family's. Otherwise you'll be not only hurting yourself, but also you'll be harming other people close to you. You can't force your brother to slow down, you can't make him seek professional help. Right now it's you who needs help to sort it all out, so you don't suffer. You see, back then when I was deeply addicted and aside from shooting up I would pop any amount of chill pills I would have, and although I had glimmers of conscience, most of the time I thought I was perfectly fine with what I did and assured myself this was the only way for me to live, because with no chemical aid to space myself out all my problems would weigh me down and I felt that nobody understood me. It took years before I myself decided to get off.
I would advise you to seek some therapy for yourself. You don't have to go hardcore, you may look for some group therapy with meetings once a week, so you can share all your negative feelings and emotions with other people who go through similar problems. For a short period of time I went to such meetings and there were more people like you who had problems with their brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, husbands, and wives than people with the original problem hurting their close ones. Places offering such therapies usually have people who can serve you also with legal advice and tell you what your options are to further help your brother depending on the situation. You need to figure out how to bring some peace to this chaos you're currently living in. And that's definitely a way to go. If your brother sees his mistakes and reasons why he's failing in life right now, then it'll be of benefit to him too as there'll be a place for him to turn for professional help.
You described the situation generally, but I suppose there are some stimulants and probably other drugs involved. Until he stops using, it'll be very hard to convince him he's doing harm both to himself and to other people. At the moment you are manipulated by him who most probably isn't 100% aware of what he's been doing and how it will end if he doesn't change.
Wish you all the best! Be strong and most importantly do not blame yourself, because you're making yourself codependent that way.
He came to stay with me a few years ago...and he was only into smoking crack. I was doing meth...and he wanted to try it. I figured since he was already smoking crack....it wouldn't be a big deal, he's 12 years older than me. We've both struggled with addictions...but he can't do it; he can't keep a job, can't even keep food in his house, he hasn't seen his kids in....10 years at least.
I know I need to set limits....I feel like if he just checks in with me...it'll be okay. I know this is irrational and absolutely co-dependent. At my aunts house this past week....her, my mother, and my cousin started asking me how he's doing; they ended up asking me if anyone knew to notify me WHEN (not IF) he is gone. I completely lost it. I don't want that for him. I know that when I was deep into the game there was nothing anyone could have said to make me stop; I finally got sick of being getting sick when I couldnt cop.
I am in therapy now, have been for a loooooong time, lol. I don't do 12 step programs anymore, not for me. I really would like to have some peace, I would like to not have my stomach be in knots from worrying about him. Anyway, thank you.
T. Calderone
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It hurts spinchick, I know because my only living sister has problems like this too. Weeks, months go by and I can't reach her because she's too busy getting high plus with her bipolar condition she's very unstable. Just got diagnosed with HIV and hep C and still prostituting at age 46 and injecting cocaine.
What to do man? I had an emergency last night with my son and desperately needed to talk to her, as usual she doesn't answer her phone. There are no other family members so if she died, I wouldn't even know. I'm not into the 12 step thing much either but really there's nothing I can do but put it in God's hands. It's hard to put this into words because my heart is broken. We used to be so close and I miss her.
What to do man? I had an emergency last night with my son and desperately needed to talk to her, as usual she doesn't answer her phone. There are no other family members so if she died, I wouldn't even know. I'm not into the 12 step thing much either but really there's nothing I can do but put it in God's hands. It's hard to put this into words because my heart is broken. We used to be so close and I miss her.
It hurts spinchick, I know because my only living sister has problems like this too. Weeks, months go by and I can't reach her because she's too busy getting high plus with her bipolar condition she's very unstable. Just got diagnosed with HIV and hep C and still prostituting at age 46 and injecting cocaine.
What to do man? I had an emergency last night with my son and desperately needed to talk to her, as usual she doesn't answer her phone. There are no other family members so if she died, I wouldn't even know. I'm not into the 12 step thing much either but really there's nothing I can do but put it in God's hands. It's hard to put this into words because my heart is broken. We used to be so close and I miss her.
I know. I constantly wonder if "they" know to call me. He's in another state....he doesn't even know my sons name. My brother only has a phone turned on every few months, and it always has a new number. Him and I were best friends....he won't even talk to me now. I don't know how to....just let that go. Al-anon talks about "detaching with love".....well I don't WANT to detach. What if he decides he is going to end everything and wants to call me but I've "detached with love"???? I dont know. It sucks. My brother also has hep C. You can PM me anytime.
T. Calderone
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Thanks chick, I was so frantic last night and I was just hoping my sister might pick up the phone. But no response. She does the same shit, calls and says "I just want to die" and it sickens me to hear that. Or once in a while, manic and high as hell laughing her ass off. I don't know which is worse because she's never on an even keel you know. I was not that close with my older sister and we were only a grade apart, she passed in 1995.
But me and my little sister were so tight always and she's four years younger than me. There was a time where she had the world by the ass. Had a successful nursing career, married to an attorney and they had a gorgeous home. Then she started using crack, and shooting up and lost everything. Now she's living in a Miami ghetto and wishing her life hadn't taken that turn. It's like once you get to a certain point, there was no turning back. It's so sad, I can't let go either.
But me and my little sister were so tight always and she's four years younger than me. There was a time where she had the world by the ass. Had a successful nursing career, married to an attorney and they had a gorgeous home. Then she started using crack, and shooting up and lost everything. Now she's living in a Miami ghetto and wishing her life hadn't taken that turn. It's like once you get to a certain point, there was no turning back. It's so sad, I can't let go either.
Estimated Prophet
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look into SMART recovery programs
bennyZA
Bluelighter
Eventually the only way for them to get clean is on their own. Being there and helping them out is supporting their habit. I know it's really hard to turn your back, but as long as they know you're there for them through thick and thin, they'll use you.
I just can't do it. I tell him every so often I've had enough....I won't talk to him for a few days....then....I'm right back in it. I just want to save him. I know I can't. I hate it. I hate what meth and mental illness have made him.
Lolie
Bluelighter
Honestly, any psychologist or drug and alcohol counsellor can teach you strategies for creating healthy boundaries and help you past feeling like you must save or rescue an addict in your life. That belief is unhealthy and dysfunctional in itself and while you can't change the addict's unhealthy beliefs or behaviour, you can change your own.
That said, I think you may have misunderstood "detach with love". It doesn't mean not having contact with someone until they've gotten their shit together. It means setting boundaries so that you're no longer at the mercy of their addiction. It means not shielding people from the natural consequences of their actions unless those consequences would be immediately catastrophic (in which case contacting emergency services is usually the most appropriate course of action).
Where you really can't avoid inserting yourself in the drama - such as when someone collapses in front of you or phones you saying they've taken an overdose - detaching with love means letting those best equipped to handle the problem handle it. It doesn't mean doing nothing at all, but minimising your own role.
I've just had to do this with one of my closest friends. After calling an ambulance for her for the 4th time this year when she collapsed after drinking (twice at the houses of friends of mine), I will no longer be around her when she has been drinking - whether at her home, my home or someone else's home. She's welcome to my company when sober, but I'm over calling ambulances, having to notify her family and being accused of "letting her" drink too much - and I can avoid all of those things by imposing a single boundary. I'm not excluding her from my life altogether, but I am detaching from an aspect of it which is disruptive to my own life.
I'm sure a professional could suggest boundaries which allow you to "detach with love" while still maintaining some contact with your brother.
Honey I had the exact same thing with my ex-boyfriend last year. I can't offer much in the way of advice because you've already said you can't turn your back on him. Which is PERFECTLY understandable. But that is pretty much all I was going to advise you to do. I know how hard it is though so I'm not even going to tell you to do that. I told my ex time and time and time again that I will never give up on him. I wanted to save him and be the only person in the whole world who didn't turn their back on him. But he was so incredibly destructive and completely took my love and help for granted, it was severely negatively affecting me, my mood, my relationships with my friends and family, my drug use etc. I eventually realised that my help was all in vain and I just couldn't take it any more, and after a few attempts at breaking it off with him, over a period of about 4-5 months I finally managed to break myself free of him. I was addicted to him because I had this fantasy of "fixing" him. But, that is an impossible and unachieveable dream, because just like you said, you are completely powerless over someone else's demons. There is nothing you can do to fix him.
What you CAN do however, is try not to enable his drug use, don't give him money that you know he is going to use for drugs. Encourage him to see a psychiatrist, encourage him to make healthy choices in his life. That is really all you can, aside from resorting to tough love.....which, you never know, unfortunately it might have to come to that. Tough love is an awful and heartbreaking thing to have to resort to, but it can be extremely effective.
Good luck
try to get him into rehab, it would be best to try to get him at a fairly lucid time.
obviously meth and crack are going to make stuff like bipolar, schizo, paranoia much, much worse.
cleaning up off hard stimulants and getting onto the right pharm medications can be a life saver. also creating a constructive lifestyle and environment
drug addiction is rough, but with heavy mental issues it can be seem near hopeless, especially when youre in the thick of it. however its not hopeless, if you can figure things out, and slowly heal, you may be able to look back in a few years and laugh together, and be happy at how wonderful things have gotten.
if you cant save him, its not your fault. everyone lives their own life and makes their own decisions. theres only so much you can do to save someone, all families of drug addicts find that out sooner or later. in the end you need to find a balance of keeping your distance emotionally and being supportive.
good luck
obviously meth and crack are going to make stuff like bipolar, schizo, paranoia much, much worse.
cleaning up off hard stimulants and getting onto the right pharm medications can be a life saver. also creating a constructive lifestyle and environment
drug addiction is rough, but with heavy mental issues it can be seem near hopeless, especially when youre in the thick of it. however its not hopeless, if you can figure things out, and slowly heal, you may be able to look back in a few years and laugh together, and be happy at how wonderful things have gotten.
if you cant save him, its not your fault. everyone lives their own life and makes their own decisions. theres only so much you can do to save someone, all families of drug addicts find that out sooner or later. in the end you need to find a balance of keeping your distance emotionally and being supportive.
good luck
Lolie
Bluelighter
Strangely enough, it can work the other way around. I was a serious alcohol abuser until a few years ago when a chance comment to my GP led to a reassessment of my diagnosis of depression. When the diagnosis was revisited, it turned out I had bipolar disorder and once I was put on meds for that the urge to abuse alcohol evaporated (I didn't have any plans to moderate my drinking and at no point did I try - it just happened because the desire to abuse alcohol vanished once my bipolar disorder was under control).
In dual diagnosis situations, it's often chicken and egg. The psychiatric disorder itself may play a role in the addiction and need addressing first (and delusions including paranoia pretty much trump everything in terms of treatment priorities). Certainly the ability of someone with an inadequately managed psychiatric disorder to participate in and benefit from drug and alcohol programmes is going to be severely compromised.