Tranced
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2003
- Messages
- 10,875
Okay, so basically I love benzo's. I've taken them recreationaly for eight years but never developed a habit. Whereas my friends took ecstasy and cocaine at parties, I'd take xanax. They don't effect me like other people; they make me very energised. I can basically take as many as I like and not fall asleep. I'll just have the best day ever. I'm currently suffering from depression and fatigue so they are particularly palatable. Taking a dose makes my life a lot more bearable for a few days or so, and I have more energy. They are the most effective cure for this ailment that I've yet to try. I've kind of balanced my depression/anxiety somwhat using nootropics i.e I no longer feel basically the worst I've felt my entire life.
Since Christmas I'd been buying etizolam every weekend, usually a pack of ten. I've always required at least 2mg etizolam/20mg diazepam/2mg alprazolam etc for effects; any less does nothing. But pretty soon I was needing 8mg etizolam to feel anything. I find that if I re-dose within two days then my tolerance kind of increases in a somewhat non-linear fashion. Also, if I under-dose (because my tolerance has increased), then trying to take more is less effective than if I'd just taken that initial dose, and my tolerance increases even further.
Fast forward to March and a friend convinces me to buy five grams of powder (to go halves on), which I really genuinely resisted, especially since I was fronting most of the money (I got it back) and I've always known what would happen if I got my hands on some kind of benzo powder. I've read the warnings on here; don't buy fucking milligram active benzo powder. Well I was probably on them when I agreed to it, against my better judgement.
Basically I'd been through a few grams and my tolerance was going up to 20mg, 30mg... some how I ended up at 100mg and by that point wasn't even really concerned. Well, around mid March I went out with said friend and took 150mg. We made a pact at that point to taper off as things were getting silly.
About a week later he basically started berating me on whatsapp about my benzo useage, and I pointed out that he'd actually consumed more powder than me because he'd been taking it longer. His attack was full of hypocrisy and fallacies, then I realised certain things he was saying he had no knowledge of. Then I realised that he'd had a coked up conversation with a certain other friend and they'd kind of exaggerated things together. I pointed this out to him. Next thing you know I've got a message from said other friend.
Sorry, I'm rambling now but basically I'm an apt debater and they both got 100% put to bed for their insensitive hypocritical and exaggerated approach which was clearly derived from a coked up argument. I understand that clearly I've been taking far too much etizolam, but to be berated by the person who got me to buy it in the first place was fucking annoying.
Anyway, this lead to a very insecure and shitty/depressed/anxious few weeks in which I had multiple arguments with them for being such cunts in their approach. This inevitably lead to me taking more etizolam.
I had been down to 92mg (from 150mg) a day and I genuinely think I would have kept going and eventually tapered off, but instead I took more and my use spiraled up to 120mg.
Then due to the UK ban (which didn't happen), I had to get a new batch. I've got no idea what stuff is, so I'm sending it off for testing. Anyway, here is my log of what I took:
saturday
14:46 - 136mg etizolam powder
15:33 - 30mg etizolam powder
15:59 - 36
= 202mg so far(nothing)
16:34 54mg etizolam
!!!!i.e 256mg etizolam in total!!!!
17:15: 44mg etizolam sublingually
17:35: swallowed above 44mg
** I have now taken 300mg in four~ hours) and felt fuck all**
**Maybe a very mind anti-anxiety effect but also a feeling of tiredness**
Whatever this stuff is, I'm certain it isn't etizolam. It doesn't last very long and it just makes me feel sluggish.
Anyway, I took it three times (I think I didn't even receive a full gram), with the remainder that I'm sending off to wedinos for testing.
Regardless, I last took 250mg of this stuff on Friday. Assuming my suspicions are correct, then my benzo tolerance is still at 120mg~ etizolam, which is equivalent of 120 times a normal dose.
Right, so getting to the point. I don't think I could have a benzo habit if I wanted one. It wouldn't be remotely sustainable. I literally couldn't afford it. Is this kind of tolerance even normal? If it wasn't for the fact that powder was freely and cheaply available in the UK I'd have to be buying bulk amounts for a single dose. It probably sounds like I do have a habit. Maybe I do. I know I've been silly but I've had little binges before and always stopped when I knew it was time. I always did what I called a dirty taper; I took half my dose after three days, then half that again another three days later, and it avoided withdrawals.
The thing is, back in 2008 I had three separate seizures from aplrazolam use. I had no idea the seizures were caused by benzos whatsoever. I'd been using it at parties, then I lost my job and suddenly I was taking them daily without realising. I'd buy 80 at a time and I had no idea that I needed to taper. It just kind of creeps up on you/tricks you. *Please nobody berate me and tell me I shouldn't be doing benzos. It's my bluelight pet hate.* Used sustainably I'm absolutely fine and I haven't had a seizure since. I think it's probably just that due to the fact I don't fall asleep and I was using them to party all weekend that I did probably hundreds/thousands of 2mg xanax over six months without being aware of the dangers.
I last took potentially 250mg of etizolam on Friday. I think it's probably more like 120mg. Ish. Regardless, that's 120 times a normal dose.
I feel absolutely fine right now, but my seizures always happened four days after taking xanax. I know etizolam has a different half life but for some reason, even when I was very reckless with this stuff 2 years ago after a breakup/failing uni and had another six month binge where I sometimes didn't do any kind of taper, I just had brain zaps/anxiety/depression on withdrawals. I know that brain zaps are seizure territory.
I would usually take a lower dose tomorrow. But it's bank holiday and I'm all out. I'd figured I'd probably be fine and order more yesterday. But it's bank holiday and the postal service is closed so that's 100% out of the question.
Part of me thinks that I feel fine and after a couple of days of feeling crap I'll be over it and lay off them and give up the binges for good. But another part of me knows that I've taken the equivalent of over 100 benzos in one go, and I've been using them for around 5-6 months. I could swear it's meant to be March. Where the fuck did May come from? I know that this is very dangerous.
Whoops.
What can I do? I have an appointment with my doctor soon which my parents will be attending. I really don't want my doctor to just further disregard my fatigue or to claim my depression/anxiety is benzo related, when it isn't. Or for him to sit there knowingly trying to side-step my benzo use.
I really just want to stop cold turkey. I can't be bothered to taper off a ridiculous dose of benzo powder. It's too expensive and too moreish. But seizures are something I would never like to experience again.
What are my options, bearing in mind I'm in the UK? What do the doctors even given you when you're on at least over 120 times a normal dose? I can't imagine being prescribed 120 diazepam just because I give my word that I've been doing a fuckload of benzos on a binge.
Really I just don't want a seizure. I have ten etizolam, 6 diazepam and 18mg (to send off for testing) of whatever that stuff is. Which is the equivalent of 36mg etizolam i.e fuck all.
Sorry, this is very long. But I think I may have a predicament.
So yeah, options? Obviously everybody is going to tell me to go to the doctor (I'm not even sure it will be open until Tuesday). But what would the doctor usually do? Where else can you go?
Since Christmas I'd been buying etizolam every weekend, usually a pack of ten. I've always required at least 2mg etizolam/20mg diazepam/2mg alprazolam etc for effects; any less does nothing. But pretty soon I was needing 8mg etizolam to feel anything. I find that if I re-dose within two days then my tolerance kind of increases in a somewhat non-linear fashion. Also, if I under-dose (because my tolerance has increased), then trying to take more is less effective than if I'd just taken that initial dose, and my tolerance increases even further.
Fast forward to March and a friend convinces me to buy five grams of powder (to go halves on), which I really genuinely resisted, especially since I was fronting most of the money (I got it back) and I've always known what would happen if I got my hands on some kind of benzo powder. I've read the warnings on here; don't buy fucking milligram active benzo powder. Well I was probably on them when I agreed to it, against my better judgement.
Basically I'd been through a few grams and my tolerance was going up to 20mg, 30mg... some how I ended up at 100mg and by that point wasn't even really concerned. Well, around mid March I went out with said friend and took 150mg. We made a pact at that point to taper off as things were getting silly.
About a week later he basically started berating me on whatsapp about my benzo useage, and I pointed out that he'd actually consumed more powder than me because he'd been taking it longer. His attack was full of hypocrisy and fallacies, then I realised certain things he was saying he had no knowledge of. Then I realised that he'd had a coked up conversation with a certain other friend and they'd kind of exaggerated things together. I pointed this out to him. Next thing you know I've got a message from said other friend.
Sorry, I'm rambling now but basically I'm an apt debater and they both got 100% put to bed for their insensitive hypocritical and exaggerated approach which was clearly derived from a coked up argument. I understand that clearly I've been taking far too much etizolam, but to be berated by the person who got me to buy it in the first place was fucking annoying.
Anyway, this lead to a very insecure and shitty/depressed/anxious few weeks in which I had multiple arguments with them for being such cunts in their approach. This inevitably lead to me taking more etizolam.
I had been down to 92mg (from 150mg) a day and I genuinely think I would have kept going and eventually tapered off, but instead I took more and my use spiraled up to 120mg.
Then due to the UK ban (which didn't happen), I had to get a new batch. I've got no idea what stuff is, so I'm sending it off for testing. Anyway, here is my log of what I took:
saturday
14:46 - 136mg etizolam powder
15:33 - 30mg etizolam powder
15:59 - 36
= 202mg so far(nothing)
16:34 54mg etizolam
!!!!i.e 256mg etizolam in total!!!!
17:15: 44mg etizolam sublingually
17:35: swallowed above 44mg
** I have now taken 300mg in four~ hours) and felt fuck all**
**Maybe a very mind anti-anxiety effect but also a feeling of tiredness**
Whatever this stuff is, I'm certain it isn't etizolam. It doesn't last very long and it just makes me feel sluggish.
Anyway, I took it three times (I think I didn't even receive a full gram), with the remainder that I'm sending off to wedinos for testing.
Regardless, I last took 250mg of this stuff on Friday. Assuming my suspicions are correct, then my benzo tolerance is still at 120mg~ etizolam, which is equivalent of 120 times a normal dose.
Right, so getting to the point. I don't think I could have a benzo habit if I wanted one. It wouldn't be remotely sustainable. I literally couldn't afford it. Is this kind of tolerance even normal? If it wasn't for the fact that powder was freely and cheaply available in the UK I'd have to be buying bulk amounts for a single dose. It probably sounds like I do have a habit. Maybe I do. I know I've been silly but I've had little binges before and always stopped when I knew it was time. I always did what I called a dirty taper; I took half my dose after three days, then half that again another three days later, and it avoided withdrawals.
The thing is, back in 2008 I had three separate seizures from aplrazolam use. I had no idea the seizures were caused by benzos whatsoever. I'd been using it at parties, then I lost my job and suddenly I was taking them daily without realising. I'd buy 80 at a time and I had no idea that I needed to taper. It just kind of creeps up on you/tricks you. *Please nobody berate me and tell me I shouldn't be doing benzos. It's my bluelight pet hate.* Used sustainably I'm absolutely fine and I haven't had a seizure since. I think it's probably just that due to the fact I don't fall asleep and I was using them to party all weekend that I did probably hundreds/thousands of 2mg xanax over six months without being aware of the dangers.
I last took potentially 250mg of etizolam on Friday. I think it's probably more like 120mg. Ish. Regardless, that's 120 times a normal dose.
I feel absolutely fine right now, but my seizures always happened four days after taking xanax. I know etizolam has a different half life but for some reason, even when I was very reckless with this stuff 2 years ago after a breakup/failing uni and had another six month binge where I sometimes didn't do any kind of taper, I just had brain zaps/anxiety/depression on withdrawals. I know that brain zaps are seizure territory.
I would usually take a lower dose tomorrow. But it's bank holiday and I'm all out. I'd figured I'd probably be fine and order more yesterday. But it's bank holiday and the postal service is closed so that's 100% out of the question.
Part of me thinks that I feel fine and after a couple of days of feeling crap I'll be over it and lay off them and give up the binges for good. But another part of me knows that I've taken the equivalent of over 100 benzos in one go, and I've been using them for around 5-6 months. I could swear it's meant to be March. Where the fuck did May come from? I know that this is very dangerous.
Whoops.
What can I do? I have an appointment with my doctor soon which my parents will be attending. I really don't want my doctor to just further disregard my fatigue or to claim my depression/anxiety is benzo related, when it isn't. Or for him to sit there knowingly trying to side-step my benzo use.
I really just want to stop cold turkey. I can't be bothered to taper off a ridiculous dose of benzo powder. It's too expensive and too moreish. But seizures are something I would never like to experience again.
What are my options, bearing in mind I'm in the UK? What do the doctors even given you when you're on at least over 120 times a normal dose? I can't imagine being prescribed 120 diazepam just because I give my word that I've been doing a fuckload of benzos on a binge.
Really I just don't want a seizure. I have ten etizolam, 6 diazepam and 18mg (to send off for testing) of whatever that stuff is. Which is the equivalent of 36mg etizolam i.e fuck all.
Sorry, this is very long. But I think I may have a predicament.
So yeah, options? Obviously everybody is going to tell me to go to the doctor (I'm not even sure it will be open until Tuesday). But what would the doctor usually do? Where else can you go?
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