I have to say something here; miss, while there's no question that I'm sympathetic to what you're dealing with, I think you need to really take stock of yourself and your priorities. You should really seek some help. You clearly have a psychiatrist, but A) that's obviously not the same, and B) it sounds like they don't have a fucking clue what they're doing if they have you taking benzos on a regular schedule, particularly in combination with the other two mentioned meds. Oh, I do see now that you have a counselor, but I'm not entirely sure what role they play.
I mean, I have to tally all this up; ok, so you've got a child, you smoke weed, you're on addictive anxiety meds and are willing to mix depressants to the point of incapacitating yourself, you're tied up with some guy who treats you like garbage and has been getting progressively more abusive over time and who I'm assuming is not your child's father, your general tone seems rather aloof and lacking in personal awareness...put all that together and you sound, and I mean this in the least offensive way possible, you sound kind of like a mess, my lady. You sound like you're maybe not doing so hot. It also sounds like you have some significant self esteem issues; if you don't view yourself as worthwhile enough not to date/sleep with a scumbag like that, there's a problem.
Though that's only part of the reason I suggest really examining yourself and looking to make changes; I suggest that because unfortunately, while people really, really don't like to hear this, usually victims of abuse wind up that way for a reason, and ultimately they play a fairly large role in precipitating their abuse. Abuse doesn't just happen out of the clear blue, abusive relationships are almost always toxic from the very beginning, yet subconsciously victims of abuse and abusers seek that out. It's really quite astonishing how readily those with certain personality types seem to be able to find each other...or more accurately it's sort of astonishing how readily people seem to manage to find others who are exactly like their parents.
Then again, that's the problem; people cling to what they know, that's just what humans do, so an individual raised in a situation where they were either abused or were party to abuse is going to become used to that sort of relationship dynamic. They hate it, but at the same time they never learn how to interact with those around them in any other way, so subconsciously they draw comfort from it all and inevitably end up in an abusive relationship as an adult. Even when they break away they find themselves compelled to go back as abusive relationships are all they know. Of course as I indicated self esteem problems also play a massive role; victims of abuse tend to feel like they're lucky just to have someone, that they don't want to be alone, that they don't matter enough to make a big deal out of it.
As I said, please don't think I'm saying you somehow asked for any of this; it's not a conscious decision. On the other hand it's obvious that you are very unsure of yourself, and just the way you talk about this guy and your relationship I personally believe it's very likely that if you don't really make some significant personal changes that you'll surely either wind up coming back to him, or you'll wind up in another similar relationship. Plus the drug use sounds like an issue, especially if you're a mother. That part I can't really comment on for sure though as I don't know the rest of your situation well enough, but imo abusive relationships are rather surprising in just how similar a pattern they tend to work in, so in that case I feel more confident saying that you should really try to take steps to ensure that you don't get wrapped up in anything similar in the future. I don't know you personally, but you're a living, feeling person, and nobody should have the right to try to make you feel bad about yourself or treat you that way.
