cowardescent
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 29, 2017
- Messages
- 404
I'M 23 and have seen two psychiatrists and they've said that they're sure I have some mental/neurodevelopmental disorder but they can't pinpoint what it is exactly.
Ever since I was a child I would get into a lot of trouble. I was polite but extremely impulsive (moreso than other kids my age) and used to lose things and forget to turn off the tap/TV which would get me beaten by my father. I didn't seem to learn a lesson. I also had an extraordinarily good memory (not me saying this but others) which I still have to this day.
I was never able to make friends as I'd weird/annoy people. I experienced severe depression and thoughts of suicide back in 2011. In late-2012, something happened which changed my life completely. I experienced euphoria like never before. I took ecstasy and cocaine two years ago and was stunned by how I could have felt exactly like that as a kid without taking any substances. I had so much motivation to do anything. For the entirety of 2013, I genuinely believed that my life would be happy and trouble free. I did well in school but eventually became to euphoric that I forgot to study. I also attempted to castrate myself after listening to Sting's - If I Ever Lose My Faith In You. One thing that a lot of people mentioned (and still do today) is that I had a creepy grin on my face. A guy in my class in school actually thought I was high all the time because he said I had a constant grin.
The next year, the depression returned only this time, it lasted for the whole year. It was really horrible and one night in November, I felt horrible. The next week my mother and I got into an argument and I assaulted her physically. Something I have never done and which shocked both of us.
I continued going to school but eventually I started making homicidal/suicidal comments which disturbed students and they told the principal in 2015. My principal contacted social service who contacted my parents and said that they'd have to bring me to a GP. My GP organised an appointment with CAMHS and I saw a psychiatrist the next month. I was prescribed the antipsychotic Abilify and Prozac and though it got rid of my homicidal thoughts, I felt suicidal again as well as extremely tired. I stopped attending school physically and was homeschooled.
After failing school and having a bad experience with the psychiatric system I decided to start self-medicating. That's around the first time I discovered sites like erowid, bluelight, drugs-forum and Reddit's /r/drugs. My GP also gave me a large supply of benzodiazepines and that started my addiction. I soon started taking benzos, OTC opioids (codeine), nicotine, and alcohol. When I went to America, I tried my aunt's hydrocodone pills and loved them even more.
I came back to Europe and started forging scripts until I got caught and cautioned.
Today I'm drug-free (sort of) but still have difficulty making friends and I'm constantly called annoying, weird, and immature (my parents think me wanting to castrate myself is immaturity and I'm not sure about that). On the plus side, the same people who put me down also say I'm really smart but I'm not sure about that especially as I'm 23 and only entering college while others my age are out in the world working and living independently.
My GP said he thinks I might have ADHD or Aspergers. He said that if it was the former, prescribing Ritalin, Adderall, or Vyanase would help my symptoms.
He believes that I may have been mistakenly diagnosed with Aspergers due to the difficulty making friends which is common in ADHD. The one difference though is that I have no problems reading peoples facial expressions and have no problem with eye contact (even maintain it for too long especially when looking at others). The other think that leads him to believe it's ADHD is my constant posting of random topics on the internet (I should him my Bluelight posting history and Reddit posting history).
Ever since I was a child I would get into a lot of trouble. I was polite but extremely impulsive (moreso than other kids my age) and used to lose things and forget to turn off the tap/TV which would get me beaten by my father. I didn't seem to learn a lesson. I also had an extraordinarily good memory (not me saying this but others) which I still have to this day.
I was never able to make friends as I'd weird/annoy people. I experienced severe depression and thoughts of suicide back in 2011. In late-2012, something happened which changed my life completely. I experienced euphoria like never before. I took ecstasy and cocaine two years ago and was stunned by how I could have felt exactly like that as a kid without taking any substances. I had so much motivation to do anything. For the entirety of 2013, I genuinely believed that my life would be happy and trouble free. I did well in school but eventually became to euphoric that I forgot to study. I also attempted to castrate myself after listening to Sting's - If I Ever Lose My Faith In You. One thing that a lot of people mentioned (and still do today) is that I had a creepy grin on my face. A guy in my class in school actually thought I was high all the time because he said I had a constant grin.
The next year, the depression returned only this time, it lasted for the whole year. It was really horrible and one night in November, I felt horrible. The next week my mother and I got into an argument and I assaulted her physically. Something I have never done and which shocked both of us.
I continued going to school but eventually I started making homicidal/suicidal comments which disturbed students and they told the principal in 2015. My principal contacted social service who contacted my parents and said that they'd have to bring me to a GP. My GP organised an appointment with CAMHS and I saw a psychiatrist the next month. I was prescribed the antipsychotic Abilify and Prozac and though it got rid of my homicidal thoughts, I felt suicidal again as well as extremely tired. I stopped attending school physically and was homeschooled.
After failing school and having a bad experience with the psychiatric system I decided to start self-medicating. That's around the first time I discovered sites like erowid, bluelight, drugs-forum and Reddit's /r/drugs. My GP also gave me a large supply of benzodiazepines and that started my addiction. I soon started taking benzos, OTC opioids (codeine), nicotine, and alcohol. When I went to America, I tried my aunt's hydrocodone pills and loved them even more.
I came back to Europe and started forging scripts until I got caught and cautioned.
Today I'm drug-free (sort of) but still have difficulty making friends and I'm constantly called annoying, weird, and immature (my parents think me wanting to castrate myself is immaturity and I'm not sure about that). On the plus side, the same people who put me down also say I'm really smart but I'm not sure about that especially as I'm 23 and only entering college while others my age are out in the world working and living independently.
My GP said he thinks I might have ADHD or Aspergers. He said that if it was the former, prescribing Ritalin, Adderall, or Vyanase would help my symptoms.
He believes that I may have been mistakenly diagnosed with Aspergers due to the difficulty making friends which is common in ADHD. The one difference though is that I have no problems reading peoples facial expressions and have no problem with eye contact (even maintain it for too long especially when looking at others). The other think that leads him to believe it's ADHD is my constant posting of random topics on the internet (I should him my Bluelight posting history and Reddit posting history).
