Not sure if this is the right place to post or not. My brain is trying to squirm out of my head and I need some type of outlet so I thought I would post my journal of what I am experiencing.
First a little background. I am a 55 year old male that has been on some type of opiate for the past 20 years off and on (mostly on). I own a successful company, married, three kids that are almost through college and out of the house. Amazingly no one suspects a thing. The reason i note these things is to show that the monkey does not discriminate whose back it chooses to climb upon. Recently my sister was diagnosed with cancer and has asked me to take her to a specialty clinic in Texas for treatment in 2 weeks. Since I cannot take my tea with me, i need to get clean and quick. I think I may have waited too late though.
I am on day 2 of cold turkey from a 3-4 lb per day poppy seed tea habit that I started about 4 years ago. The first day was not horrible and the withdrawals did not start until about 8 last night. Managed to sleep from midnight to about 5am but woke up in full agony. Head pounding, legs aching, nausea, running nose, watery eyes. It is now about 4 on the second day and I am losing my mind. Time seems to crawl by. I know I have at least another week of hell before the physical effects pass but I am not sure I can make it. I have considered trying to evaporate some tea down into a paste that I can transport, but I really do not want to get caught with pure opium at the airport...it's just my brain trying to rationalize using.
I can go through my whole story of how I got to this point, but it seems pointless. Everyone on this site has a similar story of why we use. The thing is I know I should have stopped years ago. My wife and I and kids used to travel a lot, but since tea is not very portable, i chose to just stay home to be with it. My sex life disappeared years ago and my wife and I usually don't sleep in the same room anymore--I say it is because she snores. I used to be very focused on growing my company and just kind of let it go on autopilot. Luckily I have a manger who runs the day to day but it has not shown any improvement in the past few years. I used to do woodworking and build mission-style furniture in my spare time, but now I just get high. I used to workout and run but stopped. I have gained 25 pounds in the past two years and I hate myself.
The highs actually kind of stopped about a year ago. It still relaxed me and made me feel "normal" but for the most part I was afraid of the withdrawals so I kept using. And so here I am using the old "flu" excuse to try and get clean. Who gets the flu in May? I feel stupid and useless. I am smarter than this.
And, I am not sure even now I am completely committed to getting clean. I have about 10 pounds of seeds out in my special corner of the garage still. I should go throw them out but I don't. What does that mean? That I am not serious--just doing to for my sister and plan to go back to my old life once I get past that trip? I don't know, but it worries me.
Okay, I have killed about 30 minutes writing this. Why does time go so slow?! The clock is my biggest enemy right now because I know eventually I will feel better but not soon, and not soon enough.
I will post more later.
First a little background. I am a 55 year old male that has been on some type of opiate for the past 20 years off and on (mostly on). I own a successful company, married, three kids that are almost through college and out of the house. Amazingly no one suspects a thing. The reason i note these things is to show that the monkey does not discriminate whose back it chooses to climb upon. Recently my sister was diagnosed with cancer and has asked me to take her to a specialty clinic in Texas for treatment in 2 weeks. Since I cannot take my tea with me, i need to get clean and quick. I think I may have waited too late though.
I am on day 2 of cold turkey from a 3-4 lb per day poppy seed tea habit that I started about 4 years ago. The first day was not horrible and the withdrawals did not start until about 8 last night. Managed to sleep from midnight to about 5am but woke up in full agony. Head pounding, legs aching, nausea, running nose, watery eyes. It is now about 4 on the second day and I am losing my mind. Time seems to crawl by. I know I have at least another week of hell before the physical effects pass but I am not sure I can make it. I have considered trying to evaporate some tea down into a paste that I can transport, but I really do not want to get caught with pure opium at the airport...it's just my brain trying to rationalize using.
I can go through my whole story of how I got to this point, but it seems pointless. Everyone on this site has a similar story of why we use. The thing is I know I should have stopped years ago. My wife and I and kids used to travel a lot, but since tea is not very portable, i chose to just stay home to be with it. My sex life disappeared years ago and my wife and I usually don't sleep in the same room anymore--I say it is because she snores. I used to be very focused on growing my company and just kind of let it go on autopilot. Luckily I have a manger who runs the day to day but it has not shown any improvement in the past few years. I used to do woodworking and build mission-style furniture in my spare time, but now I just get high. I used to workout and run but stopped. I have gained 25 pounds in the past two years and I hate myself.
The highs actually kind of stopped about a year ago. It still relaxed me and made me feel "normal" but for the most part I was afraid of the withdrawals so I kept using. And so here I am using the old "flu" excuse to try and get clean. Who gets the flu in May? I feel stupid and useless. I am smarter than this.
And, I am not sure even now I am completely committed to getting clean. I have about 10 pounds of seeds out in my special corner of the garage still. I should go throw them out but I don't. What does that mean? That I am not serious--just doing to for my sister and plan to go back to my old life once I get past that trip? I don't know, but it worries me.
Okay, I have killed about 30 minutes writing this. Why does time go so slow?! The clock is my biggest enemy right now because I know eventually I will feel better but not soon, and not soon enough.
I will post more later.