colors
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 30, 2006
- Messages
- 664
Although I've been using drugs regularly for the last 6 years, I've never really dabbled in opiates. I've had meperidine, codeine, and oxy for medical reasons, but I can't say I ever really enjoyed them on a recreational level. The classic image of opiates and users has always appealed to me though, especially smoked opium. That cessation of physical drag on the mind, leaving it open to float and morph like smoke – that's something I've always desired. I used to smoke pot thinking it would fit that bill, but in the end it turned out to be mostly a thought looper, drowning me in my own aggravating dysfunctions. So in the absence of fresh poppies and smokeable O, I recently decided to try poppy pod tea.
Over the course of 2 weeks, I drank about 12 doses of tea trying to figure things out and 'get there'. The taste and physical side effects interfered with the goal of leaving my body behind. Reminded me of HBWR extractions. Tried various activities and settings, but eventually I realized that I had to lay perfectly still in a dark, cool, silent room. This was the only way to allow the mental effects to take over and leave the bodily garbage behind.
Laying down as such, I became aware of the incredibly imaginative trains of thought occurring. They weren't like the pseudo-mastermind schemes brought about by stimulants, nor were they the profound and urgent connections/realizations of psychedelics. They were more epic and elegant, opposite to my regular thought patterns (would describe my regular thought process as ugly ... definitely bogged down in anxiety, anger, confusion). These visions were soaring by, and I didn't really feel 'attached' to them like they were my own ideas that I needed to remember, just demonstrations of beauty in the world that I can't seem to access normally. Not a glow and sparkle that psychs lend to the perceived sensation of the power of nature etc, but more a culmination of creativity and imagination into glorious being. It's hard to describe the sort of majesty they carried, but it was something like classic children's fantasy – Never Ending Story comes to mind ... stuff like that (sorry, corny I know). Very fluid and emotionally cool, disconnected from reality but without a sense of delusion! - which was a big distinction from other substances.
It was in the deep sleep following the trips that things really took off mentally. Lucid dreaming became typical. I felt like I was being blown through the cosmos by some kind of magic wind. Undoubtedly the most awesome sleep of my life. The experiments were going well.
On the final night that I dosed tea I took more than usual and got pretty sick. I was a little scared about passing out not sure if it was safe, but I laid down and let go. And from there I plunged to the depths of my subconscious. In an incredible dream, I witnessed the split in my personality in a literal sense. I'll digress here for a quick explanation of my psychology.
As I understand it, I am mildly schizophrenic. I constantly sense conflict, and life feels futile. I have a weak grasp on reality and my identity, and sometimes it slips and I'll lose it. This can manifest as verbal arguments with myself, or random confrontation with people around me who transform into archetypes stemming from my persecution mania. Through some kind of defense mechanism, the part of me which feels and appreciates reality like a sentient human being has been buried, and what I'm left with is this reactionary persona which constantly seeks distraction and escapism. I've flirted with professional help but for one reason or another, I've never given it all and gone the whole way with treatment. I've tried various medications, but nothing seems to help resurrect that missing part of my personality ( aside from MDMA :D ).
So anyways, on this final night I had a vivid dream in which the 'whole' me was engaging in some kind of public activity. He was fitting in and functioning properly. He could relate to people and see eye to eye. They shared humor and seemed to have a common spirit.
In this moment I realized that I had kind of given up on trying to be a functioning member of society a long time ago. I think I saw myself as totally incongruous with typical existence, and that's how this nearly invisible, bitter shell of a person sort of came to be. Now to counterbalance, my life is ok considering how fucked up I am. I still have a pretty normal and comfortable day-to-day, but it's very hollow and to me it feels excruciatingly pointless and misguided. I am suicidally depressed for the most part. In the dream I talked face to face with myself (this has never happened before – I tend to avoid physical images of myself), and through this conversation the shell agreed to let the 'whole' take over once again, and redirect the course of 'our' life! I suddenly woke up and expressed reconciliation out loud. I was smiling ear to ear.
This glow lasted for about 12 hours into the next day before I lost touch with the sentiment, a depressing sensation which everyone can relate to, I'm sure. In some ways it was very inspiring. But at the moment I can't seem to get back in touch with the key elements in transforming back into who I really want to be. In the dream it was apparent that that my current identity had been suppressing this part of my nature. And it was shown as a complete split, as if the person who I am now cannot transform but rather must give way to a whole other personality. I feel willing to let go and I want that change, but I can't feel it inside of me anymore. How can I inspire it to rise up, without using PPT on a daily basis?
substancecode_poppies
substancecode_poppypod
substancecode_poppypodtea
substancecode_opiates
Over the course of 2 weeks, I drank about 12 doses of tea trying to figure things out and 'get there'. The taste and physical side effects interfered with the goal of leaving my body behind. Reminded me of HBWR extractions. Tried various activities and settings, but eventually I realized that I had to lay perfectly still in a dark, cool, silent room. This was the only way to allow the mental effects to take over and leave the bodily garbage behind.
Laying down as such, I became aware of the incredibly imaginative trains of thought occurring. They weren't like the pseudo-mastermind schemes brought about by stimulants, nor were they the profound and urgent connections/realizations of psychedelics. They were more epic and elegant, opposite to my regular thought patterns (would describe my regular thought process as ugly ... definitely bogged down in anxiety, anger, confusion). These visions were soaring by, and I didn't really feel 'attached' to them like they were my own ideas that I needed to remember, just demonstrations of beauty in the world that I can't seem to access normally. Not a glow and sparkle that psychs lend to the perceived sensation of the power of nature etc, but more a culmination of creativity and imagination into glorious being. It's hard to describe the sort of majesty they carried, but it was something like classic children's fantasy – Never Ending Story comes to mind ... stuff like that (sorry, corny I know). Very fluid and emotionally cool, disconnected from reality but without a sense of delusion! - which was a big distinction from other substances.
It was in the deep sleep following the trips that things really took off mentally. Lucid dreaming became typical. I felt like I was being blown through the cosmos by some kind of magic wind. Undoubtedly the most awesome sleep of my life. The experiments were going well.
On the final night that I dosed tea I took more than usual and got pretty sick. I was a little scared about passing out not sure if it was safe, but I laid down and let go. And from there I plunged to the depths of my subconscious. In an incredible dream, I witnessed the split in my personality in a literal sense. I'll digress here for a quick explanation of my psychology.
As I understand it, I am mildly schizophrenic. I constantly sense conflict, and life feels futile. I have a weak grasp on reality and my identity, and sometimes it slips and I'll lose it. This can manifest as verbal arguments with myself, or random confrontation with people around me who transform into archetypes stemming from my persecution mania. Through some kind of defense mechanism, the part of me which feels and appreciates reality like a sentient human being has been buried, and what I'm left with is this reactionary persona which constantly seeks distraction and escapism. I've flirted with professional help but for one reason or another, I've never given it all and gone the whole way with treatment. I've tried various medications, but nothing seems to help resurrect that missing part of my personality ( aside from MDMA :D ).
So anyways, on this final night I had a vivid dream in which the 'whole' me was engaging in some kind of public activity. He was fitting in and functioning properly. He could relate to people and see eye to eye. They shared humor and seemed to have a common spirit.
In this moment I realized that I had kind of given up on trying to be a functioning member of society a long time ago. I think I saw myself as totally incongruous with typical existence, and that's how this nearly invisible, bitter shell of a person sort of came to be. Now to counterbalance, my life is ok considering how fucked up I am. I still have a pretty normal and comfortable day-to-day, but it's very hollow and to me it feels excruciatingly pointless and misguided. I am suicidally depressed for the most part. In the dream I talked face to face with myself (this has never happened before – I tend to avoid physical images of myself), and through this conversation the shell agreed to let the 'whole' take over once again, and redirect the course of 'our' life! I suddenly woke up and expressed reconciliation out loud. I was smiling ear to ear.
This glow lasted for about 12 hours into the next day before I lost touch with the sentiment, a depressing sensation which everyone can relate to, I'm sure. In some ways it was very inspiring. But at the moment I can't seem to get back in touch with the key elements in transforming back into who I really want to be. In the dream it was apparent that that my current identity had been suppressing this part of my nature. And it was shown as a complete split, as if the person who I am now cannot transform but rather must give way to a whole other personality. I feel willing to let go and I want that change, but I can't feel it inside of me anymore. How can I inspire it to rise up, without using PPT on a daily basis?
substancecode_poppies
substancecode_poppypod
substancecode_poppypodtea
substancecode_opiates
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