Polystimulant abuse

[NotQuiteAnonymous]

I'm broken. It started with mental health issues, an eating disorder, physically and emotional abusive parents, and Xenedrine 2 when I was 12. My mom's gyno (fuck you siri you piece of shit for telling autocorrect to spell 'GYNO' 6 different ways! I Am not editing your bullshit again!) told her I could take it so I wouldn't lie around in bed all day during my period.

20-80mg adderall IR most days

1-8 bronkaid (25-200mg ephedrine but usually 2-3 pills)

200mg-1g of caffeine

And I've recently added benzedrex cottons ranging from 50-150mg propylhexadrine every other day.

The propylhexadrine addition let me CUT BACK on the other stimulants much like microdosing LSD does, but it is months to find the latter and money goes to more important things now.

I'm an angry ball of sleep deprived hate without this stuff and just about fall asleep whenever any of this fucked up cocktail wears off.

I guess that is what I get for using stimulants with only a bit of time off for almost the last 20 years...no, let's not fool ourselves...it is more of a lifetime of abusive relationships and 13 years of the same one and now I have a beautiful, kind, charismatic, intelligent, empathetic little human to keep safe and no where to go if I leave. Keeping her safe is my priority and so we stay where I can keep her safe as long as I am vigilant.

I've added alcohol to the mix too over the last 2 years and LSD when I can get it. It is funny in an absurd way how the physical withdrawal effects of the ethanol leaving my system add yet another layer of complexity to the state of vigilance. Thankfully, I got the drinking under control for now but who knows a little while from now?2

Everything I do is just to keep the little part of me that cares going...but really, I feel like the little boys at the end of The Giver. I'm clinging to one last warm memory as hypothermia lulls me to eternal sleep.

The fucked up thing is my heart doesn't race. I jogged a 12:30 mile two days ago and I haven't done cardio or walked much in the last 3 years and my heart rate didn't hit 160.

My heart is so tired of ups and downs that I joke to myself that asystole will be the only stable rhythm I get to briefly experience before I expire.

I wish my mom had gotten me the help I needed when I was a kid.

If anyone has any advice for some kind of a taper, I am all eyes.

Thanks for reading my disjointed rambling.

I love you guys, gals, attack helicopters, whatever the fuck you kids are calling yourselves nowadays.

Be stronger than me.

 

[Jackal]

I would suggest you try not to beat yourself up too much, even thought that may seem difficult.

Do you have a doctor with whom you have an honest relationship?

If so, I would level with that doc, and see what they recommend for a taper or to initially consolidate your use.

Maybe attend NA, local to yourself.

And keep us posted.

 

[herbavore]

I'm really sorry to hear about the childhood issues with drugs. It gets hard for me not to feed my hatred of the medical establishment when I hear stuff like this concerning children who have no say in the matter (and cannot be expected to have the information necessary anyway). Sigh.

But here is what you can do: You can work at changing your life in the present. Your past created a brain that is dependent on stimulants but that can be overcome over time. More important I would guess is the damage to your sense of self. It sounds to me like you are an incredible survivor. It gets exhausting to be a tough survivor because eventually just surviving is no reward. You want more and you deserve more. All the work that you have put into surviving can be shifted slightly to include thriving. First you have to define for yourself what that would look like. For most of us it comes down to some pretty universal things: being loved for who we are, finding meaning in our lives, creating connections with a community or something larger than ourselves. Right now you are understandably concerned with the drug dependence but let yourself go bigger and imagine yourself living with acceptance and ease.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Do you have a GP and psychiatrist you can work on with this? Some medicines (bupropion as well as an SNRI I believe the name of which escapes me ATM) can help with dealing with stimulant use disorder. I have worked with people who have also benefited from low doses of buprenorphine to address their stimulant use disorder (in their case methampetamine), although that would be pretty unconventional treatment for it.

It sounds like a big priority for you would be getting your mental health and physical health concerns addressed. I'd start with the "easy stuff" such as getting a physical and any possible cardiovascular issues under control by beginning to working with a GP or cardiologist even ASAP. I'd also take steps on finding yourself a good psychologist who specialized in trauma therapy, as well as a psychiatrist who can help you and your GP/therapist to address any possible pharmacotherapies that can help with your substance use and mental health challenges.

Beyond that, and this is in line with herby's post, I'd strongly recommend checking out sometime like mindfulness based stress reduction. It sounds like you have a lot of trauma you are continuing to suffer the ill effects of, and along with someone good specializing in trauma related psychotherapy (someone experienced, not some intern or someone who just got their licenses), MBSR can really be the missing piece of the puzzle for many people struggling with the kind of challenges you are.

They are hard to find, but I want to emphasize how a good trauma therapist can really make a huge difference. I was raped and suffered various abused back when I first started working on my own substance use issues. My experience of trauma really fucked me up, and led me down a very dark road for many years. Only until finding the appropriate treatment for my substance use disorder, learning about mindfulness based stress reduction type practices and meeting an exceptional trauma therapist have I really been able to begin moving beyond the horrors that defined my experienced for far too many years.

We have a number of mindfulness resources on BL now. There is herby's sticky in TDS here and mine in SL (the MBHR link at the bottom of my post in the sig here). There is also this post I wrote earlier today explaining what MBSR is to a fellow BLer, which would perhaps be the best introduction of the three: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads...k-in-here!?p=14000536&viewfull=1#post14000536

I'm am sorry to hear you are suffering so OP. My heart goes out to you. This can really be the biggest struggle you face integrating childhood trauma and years of harmful substance use that (in all likelihood) you have been using as a salve to your pain. If you can go about this in a strategic way, making a plan with short and long term goals (long term, perhaps becoming free from harmful substance use; short term, working to get your body and mind healthy by working with the right medical team), you will find it is a lot more doable than you might imagine.

Yes, it is very intimidating and a lot to undertake, but if you can break up the process into quantifiable, achievable steps using short term goals focusing on your most immediate health concerns, it's a lot easier than you might imagine.

And for now, what Jackal wrote is crucially important: do whatever you need to do to try and not be to hard on yourself, to find any ways you can to be kinder and gentler to yourself. There is no rush in any of this, so there is no sense in pushing yourself too hard. You have the rest of your life to figure this stuff out and get healthier.

Of course, the flip side to that is that there is no time like the present, and there are so many things you can do to improve your present experience of life physically, psychologically and emotionally. Be gentle and kind with yourself, but do take the steps you need to in order to get to the healthier, happier place you deserve to be at (such as by getting that physical!).