Poly addiction is my off and on switch

[LetOutTheDark]

I need advice.. Help me before I'm fucked for good

Got into amphetamines (adderall/vyvanse) approximately 8 months ago for school performance.. Worst decision of my life.. Being stubborn after research, solely searching for reassuring posts of people surviving abusive episodes (to justify study binges), I feel fucked... But I'm conscious so it's never too late.. But idk how...

As a synopsis, my abuse grew with tolerance from casual to frequent (averaging around 60-90mg adderall a day, with occasional binges of 120-180 over a day and a half to give ideas). I do occasional break when time permits, but all in all I'm running back to pop one like as I looked at them as a life cheat code. Dead wrong, and cheated my body in the long run.

What just makes me scared is I've thrown myself into a poly addiction.. I stupidly acquired Xanax and began taking ~.5mg a night to sleep initially near the end of February ... Adderall sleep deprivation is a bitch.. Of course tolerance developed, and my addictive nature with the amphetamines crawled into my benzo usage... I take now ~1.5-2.0 mg a day... .5 doses needed occasionally throughout the day for anxiety induced panic attacks (I never needed those fuckers during the day before fuck me) and usually close to 1mg to sleep... Thank God that amount still Knocks me out... For now...

Which is why I'm seeking advice on TDS.. Recently after a 200mg vyvanse binge (24hrs), I've never felt the same. My heart that is.. While coming down that night I thought I was ODing..srsly, but I'm that arrogant dumb ass who waits with an unlocked door just in case I go unconscious before I would trip to the ER.. Ridiculous brain zaps, vomited, muscle aches and spasms, and I know for a fact my heart stopped like 6 times while palpating.. Never felt so many so physical symptoms at once...

Thankfully nothing crazy happened because I figured out why the symptoms were so severe, it was Xanax withdrawal (had not taken a dose for 36hrs). I cut a .5mg and fell asleep almost instantly after it kicked in... I woke up relieved, but at the same time incredibly mind fucked.

I went too far. I'm addicted to adderall and Xanax, and I'm scared to run out (really just only the Xanax). I'm controlled by this poly addiction in the midst of the climatic season of like all my responsibilities (school, work, church, relationship, multitude assortment of life's bullshits; if my car breaks down I will shit anxiety bricks). Those 36 hrs during the vyvsnse binge that I didn't take the Xanax humbled me.. Im pretty sure the binge comedown anxiety and xanax WD would have gave me a seizure.. After only 2 months of daily Xanax use... I'm a fuckin fool.. I let these drugs destroy me... Depersonalization is already taking it's toll on my 7 year relationship, as well as my family, and all this anxiety has caused me to almost bomb all of my schoolwork.. How I haven't quit my job yet I just don't know, Ugh I know I can't bitch forever, but I just want you bluelighters to deeply understand... Because I NEED HELP!!!!

Seriousfuckinly, alot of yall have been through so much worse.. I need to detox without destroying myself..Help me out.. I can't abstain from these drugs completely at least until next month, May, or I will definitely fail all of my classes... Which would probably initiate binge phases that I've first hand examined.. As the person deliriously withers away to a diminishment far from their aspirations prior to that first high... Off switch time..

 

[LetOutTheDark]

5'9 Weigh 170 pounds, consider myself pretty in shape from high school sports, and I'm 20. This information usually seems to help so I included it before I powered down.. Help me get through this Bluelight..

 

[Moreaux]

It almost sounds like you had a siezure - not being there I can't say for certain, but in my early recovery from Xanax sometimes I would wake up so sore only to discover I had a massive seizure. That being said, taper the Xanax. DO NOT quit cold turkey- that can kill you. As for Adderral, you can stop taking that or do a taper. If you are going to taper off Xanax, do not take adderral during this process as your blood pressure will be high and your anxiety through the roof, and adderral will make it worse.

I strongly recommend you seek the assistance of a doctor as your body is going to be going through a lot.

I don't have much time right now to write a long response. I will try to come back to this shortly, but feel free to message me with questions. Also, if at all possible get a longer acting benzo for the taper - Xanax has a short half life. I recommend diazapam (Valium).

 

[LetOutTheDark]

Yes.. My body just does not feel normal.. And I'm well aware of benzo withdrawals crushing symotoms... Prior to daily intake in late February, I researched their effects, detox pathways, and the relatively short half life of Xanax (making its withdrawal paradoxical).

I've probably popped on maybe four occasions ever, all of which was within last year.. First ever was 2.0mg blackout at cinematic fulfillment of my asshole coworker, lol.. Besides that no more than. 5. After the blackout, it's therapeutic dose didn't satisfy me, just felt like I smoked alot of weed. Ooh weed

What really had my heart was chronic marijuana smokin.. Something important I forgot to mention.. Literally have smoked almost every day of the year (until recently) for almost the past 2 years. Started at 16, and gradually morphed into a stoner since. Just felt that weed effects just mask lumps of anxiety, with like almost no negatives. it has never really impaired my psych function.. Feels like smoking out of tobacco wrap for like a year straight fucked with me more than the weed has ever.. Thank God I quit tobacco wraps at new year's, and I've never smoked cigarettes.

But these past few weeks, right after that vyvanse binge, Ive felt so different.. Detriment in my thought process, stiff muscles accompany brain zaps, and I've never felt this way even when abusing similar amounts in the past.. And weed now randomly triggers intense panic attacks without a stim or benzo and it must be a small amount.. It's gay af cause I frequently enjoyed getting synergistically stoned on amph, made me a calm beast.

So I've only been smoking from nothibe few bowl hits when bored/accompanying Xanax at night. Fuck Xanax. Took .75 throughout today and 1mg an hr ago, pretty sedated but noticeably more tolerant... Shit I don't wanna average 2mg a day..

It's just that.. How can I approach a doctor with this matter? I don't mind scorching out rx and visit copays with my insurance, but how much more could they assist beyond health info I can get at an express clinic? Because I'm going to ekg and blood tests in a few days (finally have free time).. I Exocet,experiences they'll find something small whacked out of place like blood pressure or electrolyte imbalance, because I definitely feel off (pls god no murmur discovery on ekg)

I don't get sick often, and have only been to the hospital sparingly for surgery and physical therapy. Never felt any interest in abusing the 2 ever oxy rxs I got for pain, and the prescribed dose did nothing for me that weed could. Always made sure to hydrate and eat properly/exercise as much as possible, which has done wonders for me along with the placebo from vitamins and magnesiums supps..

But I really think I did have a seizure (first of my life if true.. Felt like an outer body bad anxiety delirium with an exploding chest till i popped a chip). Honestly, I don't know what to expect and if I do go I'll be 100% honest about my abuse to the doc, but at the same time I don't wanna be put on some type of druggie list or go through some unnecessary treatment when I could just self medicate and taper.. Xanax is a bitch tho so yes I do need valium..

It just all happened so fast with the Xanax.. I don't wanna ruin my life please help, I feel the slow cognitive impairment coming, all this is so crazy and I need support and advice and for it all to be feasible to my crazy schedule for at least the next month. But now I'm rolling dice with my life..
Xanax daily fucks you up all around fuuck please help me escape this without dying from s seizure.. Fuck grammar check

 

[Moreaux]

I do feel your pain - I had a 10 year run with Xanax and it was difficult to get off of...well, stopping is the easy part, withdrawal and subsequent PAWS is hard. I never did Adderral. I tried Ritalin once and it knocked me out cold - slept for 14 hours.

If you see a doctor about this they can help you with a taper and prescribe a longer acting benzo. They can also prescribe an antisiezure Med to keep on hand, and Indural (propranolol) which is a beta blocker which will help with anxiety during withdrawal.

It's great you want to make a change now and recognize the problems these drugs can have on your life and health. The longer you are on them the more painful it is to get off them. You also don't want to be like me, essentially starting over at 40 with little to know memory of your twenties Again, feel free to hit me up with questions or you want to vent while going through withdrawal. Keep in mind it gets worse before it gets better, but it does get better and the bad is only temporary.

 

[LetOutTheDark]

Thank you benzo girl.. Your input is extremely helpful (pretty sure you know why from your provided experience).. I just want to take initiatives to detox asap while not hindering my functioning to a detrimental point (failing these classes mainly). I'll detail more later when i have the chance, just wanted to bump to show that i care..

I'm kinda afraid going to a medical professional now will just add to my anxiety from either a terrible diagnosis (while I feel a lil off, I don't feel enough continuity in the major symotoms to not feel "okay") or a regimen that throws me under the bush (some professionals either feel ur pain or don't give a shit from what I've researched).

Subconsciously stating, I just want to get rx'd for valium to get off xanax and efficiently taper, and finding a doctor that will do that instead of judging from a misconception of just getting more drugs is too much bullshit to adapt to atm while I'm still in school for this month, and especially when supply for taper isn't an issue (of Xanax at least). Yea my health is still priority though, and of course I'll make accommodations if my short term health is too bad to continue intoxication (which I'll figure out from an express clinic tomorrow or the following day).

Damn why can't valium be as easy to obtain as Xanax around here..

 

[goodtimez]

Hey man you're not alone. I am also a 20 year old dude living on my own doing college and work. I have been abusing amphetamines (4-FA, vyvanse, adderall , not prescribed) like a madman for the past year, for similar reasons as you. Felt like a cheat code to life! How much more wrong could we be right? I didn't take it everyday, but I always took way more than I should have. I was always taking 30mg-60mg+ normally, with some retarded two-day binges consuming 180MG adderall drinking and smoking weed the whole time as well. (I sure WISH I had benzos on some of those comedowns, let me tell yah ) Two days ago I came off the worst binge I've been on, about 260 MG adderall in 4 days with only one night of sleep. Nearly went to the ER but suffered through, and I have made a adamant decision to not use amphetamines for at least 6 months, and hopefully never again. All I can say is, get off the vyvanse. In my opinion amp abuse is like 1 step forward 3 steps back in terms of quality of life. use the benzos to sleep and taper off them. You will feel better man, I am only 5'4 135 lbs and a day later I am already feeling my body recover... I noticed with marijuana, a drug I have loved since 14, triggers awful anxiety attacks for me if I mix it with adderall and even for a week or two after no amp usage. I think it has to do with dopamine, the amps drain the dope right out of you, making marijuana not have the same dopamine "feel good" effect on the brain as it would normally. http://www.leafscience.com/2014/05/10/marijuana-dopamine-science/ but dopamine (and God knows what else) does regenerate quite fully over the course of a few weeks I have noticed. You will feel better man, just give your body time to heal.

 

[LetOutTheDark]

About to be two months now I've been using adderall and Xanax almost daily...

Last day of semester is in the beginning of may.. Should I attempt taper now or just wait?

 

[LetOutTheDark]

Well I'm in class right now, I FUCKIN love organic chemistry. This anxiety tho has me browsing drug forums instead.. It's like I actually have add now.. I'm overwhelmed and want to pause my responsibilities for just like a week at least.. Instead I have finals in less than a month.. Damn

I can't stop binging because of this.. I took 120mg total adderall IR yesterday.. Catching up on my studies that I've missed from dealing with this issue the day prior (I took none; had work that day and my performance was noticeably affected.. Still took ~2mg xanax throughout the day)..

Boy Xanax seems like the worst drug of life (besides methadone from my readings; never trying that crap). Browsing benzo buddies last night during the comedown had me trippen, but was very informative and sort of catalyzed my determination to quit.. I ended up binge texting my girlfriend about my anxiety and said I would reveal to her the underlying issue today..

Besides diet, my body chemistry's recovery is not under my control... I can only find ways to minimize the rebound anxiety and not relapse, with support being the biggest weapon..

IF ONLY I DIDN'T HAVE SO MUCH THINGS TO DO

 

[LetOutTheDark]

I took only 30mg adderall before class.. I never feel the need to take Xanax while on adderall, and if I did it was always less than .5mg. I'm off today though and I've also ran out of adderall..

I'm way more scared of running out of Xanax though, adderall ain't shit in comparison and I can cold turkey that when I get the time.. I want to now but doubt I'll be functional for at least a week.. Sure I can substitute with caffeine or something but that would probably exacerbate my anxiety (and correspondingly my xanax dose) greatly..

Help.

 

[Moreaux]

Try to stretch the Xanax as long as possible until you can get more benzos. Unfortunately, the half life of Xanax is incredibly short which is part of the reason Xanax is so nasty. As far as avoiding a doctor, personally I wouldn't worry about it for the reasons you have. In my case, I was honest with my doctors (general physicians) and they understood that I had fire cause to not run out of benzos, so I had a continuous open script for klonopin as a back up. Coming from a Xanax background, all klonopin did for me was keep me from having siezures. I know some people love klonopin, but I saw few benefits, and it didn't touch anxiety. I think Valium is harder to get because it has such a long standing reputation as being "Mommy's little helper" from the mid 1900's, though I'm speculating.

To help anxiety, particularly through withdrawal I found Indural (propranolol) invaluable. It's nonaddictive, and is a beta blocker that stops the adrenaline reaction. I always keep some on hand, just in case, but it saved both my sanity and life when going through benzo withdrawal.

I think you should try to maintain right now, and then focus on getting clean after the semester is over. It's not much longer, and you don't want to blow your gpa over this set back.

Enjoy your organic chemistry- I'm so jealous. I wanted to peruse a science degree when I was at university but drugs and alcohol got in the way. Chemistry and calculus were my favorite classes.