WranglerPants
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Sep 10, 2013
- Messages
- 21
Hi,
Male, late 20s, living in Europe. Since approx 17 years of age been using lots of different drugs, in hindsight as an escape from what I viewed as a non-existent future & haven't really been good at having friends, so also quite a bit of unrealistic expectation of things, which led me to lying about my situation (for instance telling family that I had a job, when, in fact, I did not). Fast-forward to August this year. Got a job in IT (love it), admitted my use of drugs had gone crazy for quite some time (turning point being at a family dinner, high as crazy on ketamine, which was always like my justification for whatever drugs I took, that it wasn't affecting anyone negatively), as well as coming clean to the people around me, which have been very supportive, I might add. Since then it wasn't even hard to stay off drugs, as I saw (and see) it as I can either have my work or drugs, and I choose work, but I would be lying if I said I wouldn't do both if it was possible. My DOC has always been either stimulants, which always starts with a quite small amount, for a seemingly innocent task, for instance some methylphenidate before I had to accomplish something, but, each and every time it would turn into quite the episode of 'Drugs, Porn, More Drugs, Some more drugs, and then the rest of'em'. On the other hand I used ketamine when 'deserving to relax', and also whatever I could source, but mainly ketamine & stimulants. Since I started working, as I said, it wasn't difficult or painful to abstain from using. So, yet another Fast Forward(tm) to yesterday. At work, hanging my coat on the coathanger, when I see a zipbag of 2,25 grams of MPA (methiopropamine, a stimulant), which must have been sitting there for quite some time. It was in a kind of lesser obvious pocket, so I never saw it before, and to be honest, I can't give any kind of estimate as to when it was placed there. I'm guessing it could be from a binge, where I threw it in there, instead of throwing it out. Anyway, after returning home from work, I decided to have 40 mg. in a glass of juice (it had been so long time since me using, that I had to look up the dosage at erowid), my justification being that it would help me focus for some work-related stuff. However, it ended quite differently. After I ingested the 40 mg., I started to do what I had intended. Well, I say do what I had intended (writing a few pages of technical documentation), actually I started Word. Planned it out a bit in my head, and then.... well, if you read through the previous text, yep, you guessed correctly: more MPA, porn, and nothing was written what-so-ever. Didn't even bother to close down Word before I indulged. However, the one thing I did differently, comparing to all my other stimulant binges was that instead of going overboard, well, I guess you could say I got overboard, but instead of going Giga Enormous Overboard(tm) (which would be dosing until a) no drugs left, b) stimulant psychosis or c) simply exhausted), I just went Slightly Overboard(tm), meaning my dosages were 1 additional dose of 50 mg. and 1 some hours later, of the same amount and ROA as the first one, the total amounting to 140 mg.
What almost stopped me from writing this, was the not-very-impressive fact that I F*ING KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I TAKE STIMULANTS. IT HAS HAPPENED EVERY TIME, AND EVERY TIME HAS I VOWED TO NEVER DO THEM AGAIN. I consider myself fairly smart & knowledgeable, to the point that it's bugging me like a evil Tranformers-style bug sorta thing. Meaning very much.
And, furthermore, I mean, I can understand an Unhappy-Me, Lying-Me, Not-feeling-very-fitting-in-Me taking drugs almost just to pass the time / been that way for so long (my new normal), HOWEVER, I have not a single thing I can point to, that I'm unsatisfied with, and, as established, I had been successful up until this very incident, in staying off of drugs, and not missing them at all really. I am however convinced, that I would not have dosed, had I not had today off. I take great pride in showing up for the job, well-refreshed, and ready to be the best I can be. Still, I also consider it a serious issue, that I wasn't unable to abstain from a 'crime' of opportunity.
I flushed the remainder of the powder into the toilet. I'm not letting this incident ruin my new-found 'normal'/non-stressing-scheming life. As long as I can remember, I've been lying, trying to fit in, whatever, and I hadn't considered it would ever change, or even that it was possible to change.
I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking of you, but whatever's on your mind, type away. Feels quite good to have it out there too, thought, verbalized.
Male, late 20s, living in Europe. Since approx 17 years of age been using lots of different drugs, in hindsight as an escape from what I viewed as a non-existent future & haven't really been good at having friends, so also quite a bit of unrealistic expectation of things, which led me to lying about my situation (for instance telling family that I had a job, when, in fact, I did not). Fast-forward to August this year. Got a job in IT (love it), admitted my use of drugs had gone crazy for quite some time (turning point being at a family dinner, high as crazy on ketamine, which was always like my justification for whatever drugs I took, that it wasn't affecting anyone negatively), as well as coming clean to the people around me, which have been very supportive, I might add. Since then it wasn't even hard to stay off drugs, as I saw (and see) it as I can either have my work or drugs, and I choose work, but I would be lying if I said I wouldn't do both if it was possible. My DOC has always been either stimulants, which always starts with a quite small amount, for a seemingly innocent task, for instance some methylphenidate before I had to accomplish something, but, each and every time it would turn into quite the episode of 'Drugs, Porn, More Drugs, Some more drugs, and then the rest of'em'. On the other hand I used ketamine when 'deserving to relax', and also whatever I could source, but mainly ketamine & stimulants. Since I started working, as I said, it wasn't difficult or painful to abstain from using. So, yet another Fast Forward(tm) to yesterday. At work, hanging my coat on the coathanger, when I see a zipbag of 2,25 grams of MPA (methiopropamine, a stimulant), which must have been sitting there for quite some time. It was in a kind of lesser obvious pocket, so I never saw it before, and to be honest, I can't give any kind of estimate as to when it was placed there. I'm guessing it could be from a binge, where I threw it in there, instead of throwing it out. Anyway, after returning home from work, I decided to have 40 mg. in a glass of juice (it had been so long time since me using, that I had to look up the dosage at erowid), my justification being that it would help me focus for some work-related stuff. However, it ended quite differently. After I ingested the 40 mg., I started to do what I had intended. Well, I say do what I had intended (writing a few pages of technical documentation), actually I started Word. Planned it out a bit in my head, and then.... well, if you read through the previous text, yep, you guessed correctly: more MPA, porn, and nothing was written what-so-ever. Didn't even bother to close down Word before I indulged. However, the one thing I did differently, comparing to all my other stimulant binges was that instead of going overboard, well, I guess you could say I got overboard, but instead of going Giga Enormous Overboard(tm) (which would be dosing until a) no drugs left, b) stimulant psychosis or c) simply exhausted), I just went Slightly Overboard(tm), meaning my dosages were 1 additional dose of 50 mg. and 1 some hours later, of the same amount and ROA as the first one, the total amounting to 140 mg.
What almost stopped me from writing this, was the not-very-impressive fact that I F*ING KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I TAKE STIMULANTS. IT HAS HAPPENED EVERY TIME, AND EVERY TIME HAS I VOWED TO NEVER DO THEM AGAIN. I consider myself fairly smart & knowledgeable, to the point that it's bugging me like a evil Tranformers-style bug sorta thing. Meaning very much.
And, furthermore, I mean, I can understand an Unhappy-Me, Lying-Me, Not-feeling-very-fitting-in-Me taking drugs almost just to pass the time / been that way for so long (my new normal), HOWEVER, I have not a single thing I can point to, that I'm unsatisfied with, and, as established, I had been successful up until this very incident, in staying off of drugs, and not missing them at all really. I am however convinced, that I would not have dosed, had I not had today off. I take great pride in showing up for the job, well-refreshed, and ready to be the best I can be. Still, I also consider it a serious issue, that I wasn't unable to abstain from a 'crime' of opportunity.
I flushed the remainder of the powder into the toilet. I'm not letting this incident ruin my new-found 'normal'/non-stressing-scheming life. As long as I can remember, I've been lying, trying to fit in, whatever, and I hadn't considered it would ever change, or even that it was possible to change.
I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking of you, but whatever's on your mind, type away. Feels quite good to have it out there too, thought, verbalized.
