Poem

[debaser]

Hi, I'm French so tell me if it's written well:


Why does life have to be so brutal
Flowers of evil, as the poet said

And why am I so down close to an animal
Hungry for love and at the same time failed

Falling down in despair

 

[panic in paradise]

hmm - very cool - a good interpretation of an old old story. i like simple and affective, this is that to me.
;-)

if i had to be picky - "Oh My" is used maybe as more of a sarcastic comment in english.
knowing english is not your first language changes that perception for myself, other english speaking readers, maybe not.

 

[debaser]

Thanks Panic. Maybe I wanted to say: Oh my God, but I don't believe in God, so I could just drop it and start with "Why does life...". Thanks again

 

[GirlInterrupted]

I love it. It has a unique flow to it.
I also love Lou Reed.

This I also wrote about heroin a while back. Mind if I share?

He enters your soul
Fills up all the holes
You finally feel whole

But he's gone by dawn
& Everything feels wrong
You realize that you're not so strong

Your whole body hurts
When you can't insert
You go berserk

You sell your life away
To make that phone call
& everyone you love is begging you to stay
But you go ahead anyways
In your head you say
"I'll just stop another day"

The cycle begins again
For a while you're in heaven
& You're screaming "AMEN"
Because you finally feel human

One day you'll realize
That he's the devil in disguise
But by then you can't kiss him good bye
Even if you try
Deep in your heart you know why
Deep in your heart you just want to die
There's no point in being alive

 

[panic in paradise]

make your own thread, dont try and play shy
haha


no one comments on most of mine - fuck it!
if you cant speak your worth...
;-)

 

[debaser]

Thanks GirlInterrupted I really like your poem too.

 

[Max Power]

Didn't know you liked to write, loulou. As if you weren't one of my favorite posters already. And I like the Baudelaire reference, although I'm more partial to Rimbaud myself.

I'm kinda big on formatting as a means of emphasis & flow, so let me know what you think (it's your poem after all):

Why does life have to be
so brutal
Flowers of evil,
as the poet said.

So why am I so
down close
to an animal
Hungry for love
and at the same time
failed

Falling down in despair

Have you a title? I think the last line would work well.

 

[debaser]

Thanks Max, your formatting is interesting but I like mine more

I write a lot of poems in French, this is my first attempt at writing a poem in English. I reckon it lacks something in the end, so I could add I don't know what to make the flow more just.

I don't like titles too much, all my poems have just numbers for practical reasons

Thanks again mon chéri

 

[Coreo*~]

I really enjoyed that poem you wrote about heroin. It's like you're speaking for so many people who don't have the words.