Poem...Beneath A Scattered Rant - 12-steppers, This Is Not Meant To Offend!

I wrote a poem after I'd been off all drugs (except ones scripted to me for genuine reasons, even if my NA sponsor took my key-tags off me when she found out I was on clonazepam for epilepsy - not something I'd hidden from her intentionally, I just didn't know she'd see it as wrong, as I was also on dexamphetamine for ADHD...and she was okay with that cos it didn't make me 'high' - weird one, cos neither did the clonazepam, but anyway, I still considered myself drug-free, I just fucked off away from bloody NA...time to stop discussing this, shit it brings me down and pisses me off even thinking about that woman and the rest of her fellow 'worshippers of the nameless Higher Power')

btw: if ur into NA, I'm sorry if that hurt ur feelings, I hate hurting ppl...its just the NA group IN AUCKLAND (ppl tend to all go to the same meetings, this is a small country) really hurt mine, anyway NA obviously aint for me:
-I was ostracised by evryone, apart from my sponsor, who was into horses and seemed nice at first...and of course, my best friend, who went for about 6 months after leaving rehab (when she relapsed, I did too, not long after, esp after wat my sponsor did to me...)
-I'm actually a Christian (an open-minded one as u may have gathered but the idea of ppl being told to worship/make a Higher Power out of 'the NA rooms' felt too uncomfortably cult-like), I believe if any Higher Power can help me fully kick meth when I feel it's time too that'll b God, as in the biblical one
-I don't look at addiction in black-and-white terms...I think u can b addicted to heroin and know never to touch it again once uve started the road to recovery from skag addiction (this is just an example btw) yet still drink wine sometimes, smoke the odd J with mates, and even hav a pill or 2 at parties (after all - yes, u can cross-addict, but if u take precautions not to abuse these substances...u shud b fine, cos none of them really compare with heroin)
-I don't think one needs to get off evrything they abuse at once...IMO thats a shock to the system and makes u more likely to relapse if anything; eg. I had 2 main drugs of abuse after my last relapse: heroin and methamphetamine...I decided to get myself on the methadone program first and start with H since my veins r in bad shape and smacks so costly in NZ u have to fund it wiv crime/prostitution (no thanks); now I'm a yr clean (apart from the odd slip) from opiates, I'm working on P...this I'm doing by first weaning down the amount I use (just 3 months ago, I was smoking/IVing up to 3gms a day...then my gf and I both did a 2wk detox, and went back to it but only allow ourselves a ridiculously small amount: 1/16th of a gm each per week, always smoked [thats less than a point])...wen the time is right I plan to only use P if I'm at a party and theyre passing the pipe; Ill certainly never buy it myself - or even seek it out. P will b harder than opiates cos theres no 'methamphetadone', its always bn my first DOC, I have ADHD so my dopamine supplies were fucked before I started using, and my life has revolved round P for 10yrs...whereas H was only a 5yr addiction; just one I constantly relapsed on instead

but if ur into NA and dont believe I'm doing the right thing, thats fine, we r all allowed our own opinions - those r my reasons why NA isnt for me...no point trying to argue with me...thats not wat this is about (this morning im just scattered cos i had 2 scoops of P last night, and now fuck-all keeps me up all night! yay for tolerance! )

AGAIN, 12-STEPPERS, IF ANYTHING I SAID IN HERE OFFENDED U, IT WASN'T INTENDED, AND I APOLOGISE (please let me know, mods, if I've crossed the line and need to tone down on rants like the above!)

to get back on track here's the poem I wrote after finishing a diary I'd kept over the year I did the abstinence from alcohol/drugs not scripted to me/abuse of meds scripted to me, as far as I'M concerned:

DEAR MAVERICK
Noble steed, now I'm freed
No longer I'm a slave
To smoking weed or shooting speed
You took me from my grave
My little boy, my pride and joy
You helped me see this through
And now we're one, your job is done
Yes, now I'm here for you!


that was dedicated to my darling horse, PL Maverick...and to all his fans

 

I'm a 12 stepper and the only thing that I'm offended by is what your sponsor did. She needs to read her literature:

Basic Text 5th edition page 98. Chapter: More Will Be Revealed
'There are times, however, such as in cases of health problems involving surgery and/or extreme physical injury, when medication may be valid.'

Your sponsor is supposed to help you through that. Taking medications as legitimately prescribed is not a cleantime violation. On the other hand, if someone goes 'doctor shopping' and manipulates the system to get a 'get me high' prescription without a valid reason would be. Its not WHAT we use but WHY we use.

I wanna punch your old sponsor in the fuckin' head right about now.

Choosing sponsors is serious stuff. I chose one that has worked all 12 steps (a few times) and who knows the literature inside and out.

I know you didn't want a reply about the 12 step thing but seriously, if I had the loot, I would polish my boots, fly to Auckland and kick some of those fuckers in the head. This shit is serious and they are essentially killing people with their power trips and using a twisted interpretation of what the literature says. Grrrrrr!

 

yea i guess my sponsor was only, to b fair, 3yrs clean - but shes the only one who was kind to me, or even showed any intrest in me, apart from this other 10-yr-clean woman, who was known for being real OTT too...like she frowned upon drinking energy drinks and definitely frowned upon my dexamphetamine, even after i told her i promised to come to a meeting without taking my dose of dexamphetamine beforehand, and (wen i did) i kept talking all thru the meeting to my best friend, who has ADHD too, then i cudnt sit still so i started stretching and shifting in my seat, then kicking the floor w/one foot....i was so frustrated cos i cudnt even concentrate on wat ppl were saying...then i was asked to speak, and i talked on at top speed, leaping from one topic to the next and exceeded 10mins, so the secretary accused me of hogging the floor cos i was 'high on P' - aftawards i approached the 10-yr-clean potential sponsor and said 'this is me without my ADHD meds' and she said 'no, thats u on P' (yet i was wolfing down a piece of cake to celebrate a b'day)...

the other girl approached me at that meeting, told me her sister has ADHD and she knew i wasnt 'high on P', just twitchy wiv ADHD symptoms....she said she cud see i needed meds and it was ok to take them at NA as long as i didnt abuse them
i told her why id gone without my dose and she rolled her eyes and said Alana (alias) was known for being OTT cos she was a counsellor at Higher Ground, a rehab where ur not even allowed chocolate due to 'caffeine content' let alone psych meds

so Lucy (alias as well) became my new sponsor - she helped me work the steps, etc, but we also did things as friends cos she said she believed sponsors/sponsees shud get to know each other as friends

wen my puppy ozzy was born and i bought him, we walked our dogs together (she had a toy poodle and a papillon) in off-lead dog parks - ozzy was a rottweiler and grew quickly much bigger than polly the poodle and bruiser the papillon, but he was a gentle dog wiv his 2 best doggy friends
wed go out to cafes and talk and talk and talk - sumtimes, my best friend came along wiv her sponsor, a friend of Lucys

we went riding together - shed float her arabXclydesdale, pippin, to the farm i kept maverick at, and wed ride to the beach - again, sumtimes my best friend (and her brothers paint pony, red...a pony I used to give her bro lessons on) and her sponsor Katie - alias (and her thoroughbred, amber) wud come along too!
the best time Lucy and I had together was wen we were celebrating her 3rd clean time bday and we went to a trekking centre she used to work at, bringing maverick and pippin, plus Katie and May (my best friend - alias) wiv amber and red...and we had a 2-hr trek wiv a tour guide (just us 4) along Pakiri Beach and over the dunes; cos we were all experienced riders we got to gallop on the beach and canter up/down dune tracks, looking at gorgeous scenery...we even crossed a luvly river at the end - red, who can b an idiotic pony, reared up cos hed never seen water, let alone stood in it, so May slid off his backside and landed on her ass in the water, just as he jumped off his hindquarters and leapt across the riverbank to 'safety' then lowered his head and started maniacally stuffing his face wiv lush grass! - we hav a photo of her looking most disgruntled! (Mays bro falls off red all the time - hes moved down to Hawkes Bay, a gd 5hrs south of Auckland, taking red wiv him so Mays got no horse to ride now...but then, I dont either...I hardly get to see my remaining horses, maverick and apache...and wen I see mav, the girl who leases him/her mother r always there)

Lucy and I even went to the Easter Show together (she paid - its pricey, I hadnt gone since I was a kid), wiv her fiance (more aliases) Terry and his P-addicted daughter, Shannon...we all went on all the wild rides like the kamikaze, the roller-coaster, the gravitron, etc (I dont know anyone else whos got the guts to go on those wiv me except Lucy/Terry/Shannon), then Terry went home cos Shannon was whining bout wanting to go hang out wiv sum bf (Terry rolled his eyes at Lucy/I and made the 'P pipe' sign and we nodded in understanding...secretly I was glad to hav Lucy to myself) so we 'equestriennes' went to the horse show attached, where we watched the round-the-ring jumping, Grand Prix show-jumping, Arabian show and show-hunter/equitation rounds (where I recognised DD, a pony I brought on yrs ago, who was, the previous yr, Show Hunter of the Year Cat C [ponies jumping up to 90cm]...and saw her win a class [they had changed her show name from Double Dip to Connie'O'Mara, but who cares?]...I felt proud that I had taken her to her first [Cat A, ponies jumping up to 45cm - she was just a filly, broken in 6mnths at the time] show-hunter competition, wen I was 16, and we had placed, therefore I had laid the foundations for this superstar pony!)

as u see, I thought I'd found the perfect sponsor...till the benzo incident

maybe she thought I had bn abusing the clonazepam and that was why she reacted like that - who knows?
all I know is, May had left by then and was battling P addiction again, and I was glad for an 'excuse' to go join her as I missed her dearly

OD, in UR opinion, do u think ppl shud b allowed to say theyre clean (at NA meetings)/b able to speak wen the floor opens, if they r undergoing (not abusing) opioid maintenance therapy (ie. MMT/suboxone?)
after all, contrary to popular belief, if u r on a stable dose, even methadone does not make u high

at Aucklands NA fellowship, ud think methadone was the worst drug on this planet
the ppl there r always going on bout how bad it is
they call ppl who speak, after taking their daily dose, 'the metha-drone' (cos apparently it makes u go on and on and on in a monotonous voice)
now, Sweet P/versd hav both met me, since I've bn on MMT - if either of u 2 r reading this (try to hav an unbiased opinion), do u notice that i talk on and on in a monotonous voice? (I'm aware I talk on and on...thats ADHD - and this morning, P use, as I spent New Years alone so gimme a break, I needed something to take away the overwhelming grief I'm going thru atm...no more to b said on that subject)
I'd b intrested to know, as I know many ppl on MMT - wen I was dosing at the clinic, a group of us used to go out aftawards for brunch
some of them did talk on in a monotonous voice (almost like a person wiv Aspergers) - but they tended to b ppl who admitted that they were on a higher dose than they needed cos they liked 'the nod' (I feel a bit sleepy wen I peak, for bout 30mins but I never 'nod' unless I'm stabilising [that takes 4 days] on a new dose, and again that only happens at the peak...its not a true 'nod' anyway...I think of a 'true nod' on opes as being euphoric - this 'nod' is more like just getting so drowsy I hav to lie down/pass out)
so I'm guessing the ppl on MMT who come to NA and ramble on using the 'metha-drone' (sounds like a drug eh?8)) were abusing MMT?

wat r ur thoughts on this, OD? do u think its ok to b on MMT/suboxone maintenance and talk wen the floors open/call urself clean if ur not abusing these meds?

and Sweet P/versd - as uve both met me, since I started MMT...do I drone on monotonously?

sorry for the P-rambling reply
I'm just trying to forget I'm alone on the one night I shudnt b alone, that the worst day of my life has bn yesterday - NYE...and that it was my own fault too (dont ask)

as usual, OD, I luv ur replies - like I always say...if all the ppl at my chapter of NA were like u, I wud probly still b there!
and, yes, u were the one I was thinking of wen I said I didnt wanna offend any '12-steppers' - u and TJ5 - uve bn 2 12-steppers whove proven to me that not evryone who goes to NA/AA r pricks (just those that go to the Auckland chapter!)
Happy New Year - I hope urs was better than mine! (that wudnt b hard)
God (or Higher Power) bless!

 

hey, sorry for the late response. I wanted my reply to be worded carefully so that in the event anyone reading gets angry at what I'm writing as to opposed to what they may think I am writing/implying.

OD, in UR opinion, do u think ppl shud b allowed to say theyre clean (at NA meetings)/b able to speak wen the floor opens, if they r undergoing (not abusing) opioid maintenance therapy (ie. MMT/suboxone?)

wat r ur thoughts on this, OD? do u think its ok to b on MMT/suboxone maintenance and talk wen the floors open/call urself clean if ur not abusing these meds?

First, you need to know about the type of person that is answering this question:
1) I have 133 days clean
2) I have a sponsor and a home group
3) I have followed (and completed) the suggestion of making 90 meetings in 90 days (for me that means a meeting a day for 90 days) Some will go to 4 meetings in a day and count that as four meetings towards their 90 and 90
4) I have never been physically addicted to drugs
5) I believe in NA literature more than the NA people

So, that being said, if someone is on MMT/suboxone (not abusing it) and in NA then, in my opinion, they are CLEAN.

...this is the part where I quote literature and then I'll add my own thoughts:

Basic Textt, 5th Edition, page 9, What Is the Narcotics Anonymous Program?
There is only one requirement for membership, the desire to stop using.
--This is unrelated to your question but extremely important. It doesn't say you have to stop using drugs to be a member of NA. All you need is the desire to stop using. This is HUGE but some folks overlook it

Basic Textt, 5th Edition, page 10, What Is the Narcotics Anonymous Program?
We don't have to be clean when we get here, but after the first meeting, we suggest that newcomers keep coming back and come back clean

Basic Textt, 5th Edition, page 11, What Is the Narcotics Anonymous Program?
Our meetings have an atmosphere of empathy. In accordance with the principles of recovery, we try not to judge, stereotype or moralize with each other.

Basic Textt, 5th Edition, page 53, What Can I Do?
If we had problems in the past, it is unlikely that simple abstinence will solve these problems.

Ok, I'm not feeling the 'quoting literature' approach so here's what my current belief is.

1) Its not what we use but WHY we use. If a man or woman is sitting in a meeting then as far as I'm concerned they are applying effort towards change. Meetings can be uncomfortable at first and yet they still go.

2) Who the fuck would want to be all high in a meeting? For me, it would be a buzz kill. Well, if I didn't respect some people and value their willingness to do something difficult maybe I could see going to a meeting high on certain drugs for a few shits and giggles. Most wouldn't enjoy their high as well if they were high in an NA meeting

3) If you are prescribed a drug INCLUDING methodone/suboxone, and you didn't manipulate the doctor to get prescribed those drugs and take them for a legitimate purpose AS PRESCRIBED you are still (in my eyes) one clean ass motherfucker. Keep countin' your days with a smile of accomplishment (not cockiness) and raise your hand at a meeting and share your experience, strength and hope. You are NOT alone and will most definitely be helping someone with your words

Now, stuff that concerns me is (keep in mind that I have never experienced physical dependence) that (from my understanding) methadone is much harder to quit than heroin. Methadone also causes damage to your bone marrow.

I would (in my perfect little world) want EVERYONE to live a completely drug-free life (if drugs are an issue for them) but this is not always realistic. Many NEED medications such as methadone. Shit, at some point in recovery I know old timers that needed oxycontin.

The most important thing to me is this... who the fuck are you going to meetings for, some judgemental person that has unknown issues? Nah, fuck them. You are there for YOU. Will they be there when you are curled up puking, shitting yourself, sweating AND obsessing? Probably not.

Share your ass off on a group level (in meetings) about certain things. Other stuff is best shared with a sponsor who was chosen with GREAT care. Watch potential sponsors vigilantly and don't just go by their words. Watch how they are living. If their words and actions are in sync than cool deal. If they share all kinds of beautiful and profoundly impacting words and sometime on the weekend you see them paying an active addict for sex then stay the fuck away from them. NA isn't a pissing contest. For me, I need to know how a person is living. If they are clean but living dirty than I'll be around for them to an extent but would have a hard time trusting.

Sorry this is long but, as simple as the question is, I kinda feel the need to complicate it all the fuck up.

In closing, don't forget this part:
1) I have 133 days clean

I'm new to this and have a lot to learn. Quitting drugs is a process. If someone needs MMT/suboxone than they need MMT/suboxone. Perhaps in time, they will find it unnecessary to take it in the future. If so, than COOL but if in the future they are still on it than at least they have (hopefully) improved their quality of life by abstaining from all the other shit they were doing

 

I forgot to add that I value our friendsip, DW. You have helped me a GREAT deal when you were clean and I was still using and in a LOT of pain.

I still have much love and respect for you. Your strength, resilience, compassion, empathy, courage AND fear are just a few factors that make you so impressionable to me. You were there for me, you knew EXACTLY what I was feeling and you never judged me.

In my tiny little idealistic world I see you clean and happy again. I respect and love you whether your getting high or not because you are a REAL person who, regardless of all the pain, is still able to be compassionate and empathetic. That's fuckin' hardcore in my eyes.

I know I'm just some dude but I still needed to say that. Every now and then I look back at some of the replies you made to my earlier posts. It makes me feel good. I'm angry at myself that I didn't save my threads before the BL pruning but I still remember the feeling that was inspired.

Alright, I'm sounding like a big ass softy now so I'm gonna shut up. I just needed to let ya know

 

u might hav complicated it to a degree but all the answers i was looking for were in that first answer, OD

sadly, NA in auckland...well, its a chapter full of gossips - evryone knows evryones business
they all know im on methadone - and there r no meetings i can go to and share
even going along wiv utha ppl at various times to my old home-group, no one welcomed me back - rather they gave me dirty looks, as Lucy had told evryone i 'faked being clean for a yr' while i was on clonazepam

i liked reading this:
-Basic Textt, 5th Edition, page 11, What Is the Narcotics Anonymous Program?
Our meetings have an atmosphere of empathy. In accordance with the principles of recovery, we try not to judge, stereotype or moralize with each other
THE ABOVE IS WAT LURED ME TO NA - I GOT THE BOOK BEFORE I ATTENDED ANY MEETINGS - BUT SADLY THE AUCKLAND CHAPTER IS NOT LIKE THIS! THERE IS A LOT OF JUDGEMENTAL, DEMORALISING AND STEREOTYPING BEHAVIOUR TOWARDS ANYONE ON METHADONE IN PARTICULAR...AND A LACK OF EMPATHY; THERES A CLIQUE - THOSE WHO GOT CLEAN AT HIGHER GROUND - AND IT TAKES A LONG TIME FOR THE POPULAR CROWD TO EVEN TALK TO LONERS

I, by no means, plan to stay on methadone - fuck that; its liquid handcuffs
i plan to first get my life together, P-wise (thats the only drug I still abuse - and I plan to try and stop buying P/seeking it once I hav moved house, to the part of Auckland I feel most comfy [the edge of the country] and I hav Maverick back, wiv a new paddock-mate - the young one I'm bringing on, who I plan to take to tech wiv me; plus a new rottweiler pup to train to regiment again...I need sumthing to get my mind off P, and thats the outdoors), then wen I'm completely off diazepam (22mg to go!!!), I'm going to spend a a further yr in Auckland, doing some work for a racing - or even riding school - stable...just getting used to being back in the workforce
THEN comes the bit I can't wait for - I plan to apply for Telford rural polytech to study basic agriculture, and specialise in sporthorse training to level 4 - at Telford, which is at the bottom of the south island of NZ, south of Christchurch (probly 30kms away approx), they hav boarding stables and arenas for dressage/show-jumping, a racing track, trails all around the property for riding, and a cross-country course going up to Advanced/3-star level (a level below Olympic level in eventing), as well as top instructors, etc...and its cheap cos its so cold/out-of-the-way down there!
theres student accomodation on the grounds - I cant speak for Keira but I doubt shell want to live wiv me while I'm in the wops in the south island...but if she does come wiv me well hav to go flatting off the campus...if so I can handle that
I doubt it'll b Mav I take down however - I think it will be my young horse Apache, as hes showing amazing talent in dressage (one discipline Mav never took to and is the reason we never got further than Novice in eventing - eventers hav to b gd at dressage AND jumping!) plus hes half-quarter horse and theyre short-coupled/muscular and fast so he shud take to jumping easily too
and if not Apache, it seems I'm being offered horses left, right and centre atm - Apaches full brother is ready for breaking soon and my cousins done a terrible permanent injury to his arm so he cant work wiv young/difficult horses anymore, and hes hinting he doesnt want Apache and his brother Blaze separated so wen we move out to Swanson/get Mav back, he wants to bring Blaze up too and keeps saying 'hes an elegant little thing - hell shine in the dressage like his brother; too small for me tho, more UR size' (Apaches a nice stocky 15.2hh; Blazes expected to mature more his dams height - 14.3hh and is fine-built)...plus the lady whos leasing Maverick atm, takes on racehorses off the track and shes got one, a little grey filly thats going nicely on the flat/over small jumps, called Sterling, but shes only 15hh and this ladys heavy...she said shed sell me this mare for $500 if I'm intrested, and tbh I am; u can never go wrong wiv a thoroughbred, theyre gd all-rounders, esp gd at eventing

getting off-track - anyway, whether I take Apache, Sterling or some other horse down to Telford, I plan to stay on methadone while I'm, for the first time, away from home, at tech, esp as H is rife in Christchurch
but wen I finish my certificate down there I plan to come up to Auckland again, where I'll again take on a job, only hopefully a more money-making one wiv those kinda qualifications, so I can live away from home - then thats wen I'm going to come, slowly, off methadone

once I'm down to below 30mg apparently then I can do a rapid detox, in medical detox, and switch from that level of methadone to the equivalent in subs, and come off in 2wks
yes, itll b rough cos they always drop u off at 2mg suboxone and u feel like shit for the next 3 mnths - but I hear dropping off methadone is brutally worse - even if u get down to 1/0.5mg of the shit ull hav 3 mnths of agony...and I've bn thru the suboxone detox many times and handled it, so I can handle it again
and the faster I get off methadone the better
I don't actually enjoy taking it - I just enjoy not constantly feeling the nd to use street opes

btw, thanks for the compliments, OD - I'm not gd at taking compliments cos tbh I dont think that highly of myself: maybe that was growing up wiv a dad who constantly told me I was no gd, maybe its ADHD, maybe its BPD, maybe its addiction...all I know is I squirm wen someones nice to me...even tho I cant handle ppl putting me down 8(
however deep down it means a lot to know that someone sees me as impressionable and values my friendship
if it means anything, I think highly of u too - u may not realise it, but all the things u respect in me r the things I see shining in u too - ur not afraid to b 'real' and that is cool!
(btw I wasnt telling u not to compliment me lol - I'm teaching myself that hey, if uthas like me, they must see sumthing in me for a reason...I was just expressing how hard it is for me to take compliments; theyre gd for me tho!)

OH AND NOTHING WRONG WIV BEING A BIG SOFTY!!! I KNOW IM ONE