Pls help support my painkiller addiction/recovery fellow BLs

[Runtoparadise]

Oh, where to begin?? I guess right here & now.

Today I've used a sheet of oxy 40mgs. The OPs obviously, chewed to smithereens, never taken whole. 540mgs of oxy. I've merely caught a buzz a couple of times, nothing near the high that I once had from taking a single 5mg oxycodone. Let alone pain relief!

It's long been known to my doctors & myself that my fast metabolism is no benefit when it comes to pain relief,- hence dosing three rather than two times a day.

When this dosing schedule began & I still didn't feel sustained pain relief, I began to chew the tablets.

Ultimately, I've been left with a slight pain reduction & a major addiction to oxy. I've read so many similar stories here on BL, as well as online elsewhere. But..

I think I have hit rock bottom. Even just writing this I'm near tears, as it's such a huge thing to admit I can't do this in my own.

Thing is, despite larger doses, I'm becoming increasingly more despondent. Have a lower than low zest for life,- my motivation & energy levels have dropped dramatically. Even these were noticeable two years ago.

I regularly go CT (after running out), & suffer quite horribly. I have other meds that cushion the blow, but, well, these times still blow.


I actually hate the person I have become. To rely on pills as a crutch for pain relief is one thing, but to take them all day every day is a demon to my soul. They offer me no reprieve anyway.

Switching to another opiate has not worked well for me. I'm a mum, so I need to be on my toes, & other opiates/opiods have left me too sedated.

I've tried having a "friend" dole out my meds, but he just used that to his advantage.

So, after many days of going through sheets of tablets, I'm extremely down on myself. I can't continually put myself through withdrawls & "tapering" in the true sense won't be a realistic goal as I so need what pain relief I can get.

I have enough left to get me through the month if I dose myself correctly. Or within reason.

As I've said, I'm so upset with myself for getting things outta control for so long. So, from tomorrow, I'll be doing what I can to stay well. This dismays me no end, but I think many of you will understand & hopefully give words of encouragement.

Please help to build my inner strength up, & let's get me back to an even keel so that I can rebuild my life.

Rtp

 

[gringo90]

try a suboxone plan...may work for you. Also has a minor pain killing feeling in it.

 

[Stargazer]

It sounds like you need to end this hell and either go on suboxone as gring90 said, or go into a good detox facility, where you will do a medically supervised detox.

I know how horrible it is to be in withdrawal....way too many times. I have detoxed cold-turkey off of morphine and lyrica ...so I understand. It's good to get your life back, believe me.

There are alot of very understanding people in detox. I am hoping you figure out what you need to do and feel human again. You deserve to. I have been throught "having enough left to get through the month if I dose myself correctly. Or within reason" Sadly, it usually never worked.

I was in a chronic-pain program for 31 days. They understand this battle you're talking about. Best wishes to you RTP, you are far from alone. Or the only person that has been through what you're going through. There's help.

 

[Runtoparadise]

Thank you both for your responses. Suboxone is out of the question firstly because there's no equianalgesic dose high enough to compare to my prescribed oxy dose (200mg), even taking cross tolerance into account. Secondly, I can't risk coming clean to my doctors and risk being tapered off opiates or cut off comepletely.

For the first twelve months of pain I tried all the non-opiate medications & treatments. My pain was episodic, I'd have one box of twenty oxycodone & only need to use it every six-eight weeks for around seven days. As time went on though, I developed pain every day, even waking me at night, so began oxycontin in ever increasing doses.

I have difficulty walking without pain meds, some days worse than others, so I often use elbow crutches to help me get around. Periodically I also have flare ups of neuropathic pain on top of my chronic musculoskeletal pain. Oxycontin/codone has been the only opiate that I can function on, I've tried others such as fentanyl & Hydromorph, but find these too sedating.

I have extensive & progressive arthritis & have been through the wringer with disease modifying agents. Vomiting blood, passing out, night sweats & continual hair loss are a few of the side effects I've suffered while attempting to stop my condition worsening. I've been involved with my primary pain management doctor for several years now, & have tried various nerve blocks & SI joint injections, as well as trigger point injections to no avail. Ketamine infusions help maybe 50% of the time.

As I'm sure any addict says, only their DoC is the one that offers pain relief. Which is true with myself & oxy. I do start a course at the public pain clinic this Monday, which I'm looking forward to. Meeting others who suffer with chronic pain can be helpful. I've met a number of Cpp's while being an inpatient having ketamine administered. One who chewed his fent patches & another who'd inject his hydromorphone & wanted to start taking his meds as prescribed. I'm hoping (not on the first day), to form a friendship or two. Perhaps even one in my predicament.

I can be very strong willed, but most of us know the pull of opiates. Yesterday I only took 120mgs, today however, my pain was crippling when I woke & tried getting out of bed. I genuinely hobble like a retard (sorry), with pain & stiffness most mornings. I move so awkwardly, even getting to the bathroom is difficult. Putting on slippers is out of the question, I can't bend nor raise my leg enough. Movement is so restricted. So I allowed some time for the stiffness to wear off but then still had such pain,(mainly lumbar, sacrum & hips), so I took 120mgs again, then another 40mg.

I'm feeling reasonable now. Not pain free, but enough so that I can shower & raise my arms enough to wash my hair. Like yesterday I don't plan on taking anymore oxy today. I'm proud that I could do that without too many cravings.

In the past I'd dose first thing, then keep adding pill by pill, usually 30 or 40mg oxys. Until my pain improved or I hopefully caught a buzz. I was literally taking them all day long, even into the evening at times, with a glass of wine. I've known for so long now that there really is no recreational value left for me. Hasn't until now really sunk in. That I truly feel the same whether I take 200mg or 800mg per day.

I've exhausted my soul, my inner spirit with time consuming thoughts of how many days I'll be in wds every month. What meds I can supplement the symptoms with, & everything I need to tick off my to do list while I have oxy...

If you've read this far, please add a comment, a thought, some personal experience. Much appreciated,

Rtp

 

[Allein]

I went through something similar recently although here in the UK they don't prescribe Oxy.

I was on increasing amount of morphine over 3 years due to an injury and ongoing operations, I've never had an opiate habit before but I believe that with pain relief there is a element of instant addiction, your sick (in pain) the drugs make you well.

As my tolerance rose along with the dose I really couldnt tell how much pain I was in, I was still in a fair amount of pain but what effect the morphine was having was less and less clear. My doctor was pretty good, he's aware of my other substance problems and recommended SR morphine. I largely took it as prescribed but like many I would sometimes save a dose and double dose in the evening to get some rest.

Last October I had some fairly major corrective surgery on my wrecked knee / leg and after I got over the operation my back pain had gone along with much of the other pain I'd been in so I decided it was time to stop the pain killers and see how I really was. I tapered down hard over a couple of weeks then CTd, I got off pretty light, sweats and diarrhea for a few days but I didn't really crave too much, I;m told my lack of previous opiate use probably helped.

The SR morphine took a good hour to get up to level, I think the lack of come up helped me not form too much of an attachment to the pills themselves. I still have pain but it's within a level that I can move around and walk etc, I don't take any pain killers now.

I'm far from an expert in such things but I wonder of you could switch to a slow release treatment like morphine, it could continue to help with the pain but remove the desire to chase getting high, or at least getting more wasted than you really need to. I was cautious with what I was offered, I couldnt even handle oramorph so never refilled the one bottle I got after the ops, the instant effect was to compelling.

It's a tough one when you are in pain all the time and just want relief but this medication sounds like it's getting to be a problem, do yuo think you could manage with no pain medication ? if not the SR option may be a good stepping stone.

 

[Runtoparadise]

^Thanks for the input. I know I can barely move around the house without pain relief, let alone manage to excercise,( hydro especially,-it's vital to keep my joints mobile). I also take short walks & have a strengthening floor routine.

If my pain was purely neuropathic in nature then I feel the psychological methods I've been practicing could bring my pain levels down, but because my pain is musculoskeletal & widespread, any movement, particularly in the mornings is agonising.

I appreciate where you're coming from, a less tempting opiod might be a more realistic approach, but I've tried all the SR meds where I live. They haven't given nearly as good if really any noticable pain relief, certainly not the level of physical freedom oxycontin allows me.

The one option even feasible now would be methadone tablets for pain. My PM dr feels that with dosing that as high as my prescribed oxy I'd only run into more side effects & risks. But certainly, I understand that I can't titrate methadone according to my own whims. The reason I've never given it a trial is because of the associated stigma & ignorance in the medical community.

I've had visits to ED, kidney stones, burning oil in my eye,(lol don't ask), & treated like a junkie even though I bring letters etc documenting my regular meds.

I'm getting into a groove now, the last three days I've only dosed in the morning, & not touched the stuff for the remainder of the day/night. A very positive move!

I'm a mum & it's really important that I can participate in life with sweet child of mine. I previously had the mindset that more oxy= better pain relief + extra energy. Realistically, I could need to be in PM for the rest of my life, so bringing my tolerance down if that can possibly be achieved can only be a good thing

Thanks again for the reply, & glad for you that surgery had a good outcome!

Rtp

 

[Allein]

I get you, I guess you're in the US, the UK medical system is totally different.

I worked hard to keep my doses as low as possible, I found it easy to loose sight of how much I needed or what level of pain was acceptable. My fix is temporary, athritis has taken hold and I'll need a new knee in the next few years, probably both sides. My knee was a long way out of line prior to the last op and it caused my back to twist, the back pain was by far the worst and that is gone now.

I had huge problems getting the correct pain relief, fortunately my doctor was pretty good but was still reluctant to provide an ongoing prescription and if he was not available I got a hard time. There were certainly times when I didnt have enough pain relief, in the UK they mostly prescribe Tramadol or codeine, getting morphine or anyting else is not easy and I'm pretty sure Oxy isnt available at all.

I have heard good things of methadone for long term PM, it is certainly not easy to some off of but if it;s along term thing that isnt really a big issue. I was made to feel like a drug seeker or just met plain in difference to my pain but like you I have work and kids and a life to lead, if that means taking medication then so be it, don't feel bad about it. I spent periods in a wheelchair and periods where I just could move much at all, I had to sleep down stairs after each of the 3 ops, I felt week and helpless and I got a glimpse of what I guess you go through.

I would keep pushing for a better PM solution, my doctor was keen on morphine as apposed to Tramadol, I've been on Venlafaxine in the past and he knew how sensitive I am to those type of drugs and his view was that for longer term use opiates are more predictable, I could have had oramorph to deal with break through pain but largely avoided it as i could tell I'd have been drinking it by the bottle in no time.

I hope things work out, I know it's obvious but keep going back, find another doctor etc. I spent years suffering an acute skin condition that is hard to treat but I finally got to see the right specialist and after years of struggling I got it under control although I had to take some serious medication ( immune system suppressants) for a while and have to apply some crazy Vitamin D analogue cream twice a day even now but it no longer has any real impact on my life. I must have gone through 4 doctors who all thought they could deal with it before insisting on a referral, the dermatologist was horrified by the treatments I'd had much of which had made it worse, one of which had caused me a serious health issue ( my adrenal gland stopped working )

Good luck, and don't stand for any fob offs

 

[AuraLee]

It sounds to me like methadone could be a good option for a couple of reasons. First, it's a great pain killer. You often don't realize how much pain it's blocking until it starts wearing off. Also, as you said, you need something that has a high enough potency to be equianalgesic to your current dose of oxy.

But the main reason, and this almost trumps the rest, is it would allow you to regain control over your life and pain. I wouldn't be surprised if the constant redosing is adding to the psychological aspects of the "dependence". If you could take something that legitimately covered the pain, and your blood levels weren't continually fluctuating, you might be able to get into a better frame of mind. Methadone is the kind of thing that is pretty useless to have more than once a day (unless you're a fast metaboliser and need a split dose). It isn't a particularly euphoric drug but is great for pain. In addition, it tends to block the effects of other opiates so that removes any temptation to supplement your dose. If the pain isn't covered, you can get an increase in your dose but there wouldn't be any need to be redosing or going through your meds too fast. Once your dose is titrated, you shouldn't need to increase and if you did have too much it just zonks you out with no buzz so it's a bit easier to stick to the regime.

It is a pain in the ass to taper down but that's because it is so long acting. Judging from your pain, you're not going to need or want to be tapering down anyway!

The stigma held me off from starting it and when I did I was like why on earth did I not do this sooner? When it gets to the point that your life is being taken over by pain, constant redosing and fear of withdrawals, not to mention lack of everyday functionality, something has to give.

I wish you the best of luck in getting this sorted so you can regain quality of life.

 

[Runtoparadise]

Thanks for the info & support guys! It does mean a lot to me. Btw, I'm in Australia.

As I've mentioned, as well as "not taking as prescribed", I've also been chewing my oxys for the last few years. The OCs used to crumble so easily, & I've been on 30's, 40s & 80s,- so obviously that was a way to not only gain superior pain relief pretty much instantly, but also to trash my tolerance to insane levels.

The ridiculous thing is that only at 5am today with chills/sweats strong enough to get me out of bed, did it occur to me that if I actually swallowed them whole,(despite being a fast metaboliser), it would probably stave of wd symptoms for much longer.

Or at my reduced dose, around 100mgs the last two mornings would that be too much of an insignificant amount? (It's my fifth day down from 400mg+). Obviously I don't want to "waste" any pills. Just to have them pass through my system unnoticed...

I just got into this mindset a bit too late in the month with my current scripts. Hence the lower doses. I should think by the end of next week when my scripts fall due again, I'll well have things under control & be able to just stick to my 200mg. Whether all in the mornings to get a few good hours or split doses.

I've been through opiate withdrawl roughly 74 times. Lol, really, so many times I don't care to remember. I think there was a post over in the pregabalin megathread about tolerance to lyrica never going down once it is raised & think that's where my downfall lay.

Previously, wds sucked, but didn't particularly bother me that much, as I figured it was a necessary evil & coasted through on a cloud of increasingly higher lyrica. I just don't seem to get as sick as some of the recounts I've read about, well most really...However, last month I didn't do so well, & predict that lyrica is no longer as helpful. I'm actually scared to feel that awful again! That & reading about others addictions & devastating loss of friends, family, children, homes etc, will hopefully keep me from taking extra oxy when the cravings hit. Fingers crossed my pain remains on an even keel.

I had my first meeting with the pain unit yesterday. They don't call it a "clinic", as that would infer that they could "fix" us, apparently,( it's a group of ten or so). A main focus was on removing "unhelpful" pain meds. Newer research is showing that opioid therapy is no longer indicated for use in chronic pain due to associated risks & complications in the long term.

I know I'm lucky to be prescribed the amount I am, & atm don't want to ruffle any feathers & risk the pain unit doctors thinking my oxy falls into the "unhelpful" category!! I go again this Friday. I'll gladly listen to what the doctors, physio & psych have to say, maybe I can gain something from this experience. Though I privately see a PM doctor I greatly respect, as well as a physio. Ive made an appt with my old psychologist too.

There was an example given where the patient told the doctor his meds were working extremely well, that he'd lay on the couch each day & marvel how little pain he felt. I told the group how I can hardly move, let alone get into a cab,(some days I have to use my hands to lift my right leg into the car), & attend a four hour course without pain meds. I NEED them to have any quality of life.

But, for now, one day at a time. Heck, one hour at a time even.

Rtp

 

[neversickanymore]

How are you doing RTP?

 

[Runtoparadise]

^Hey there, thanks for dropping by & asking. I'm doing Really Well with just dosing mornings. Why I left it this long to do so was pure ignorance.

I feel much more in charge of life, & haven't been waking with that awful pit of dread in my gut.

I've got my oxy down to 90mgs a day. That's what I've learnt is the magic number to keep the chills/sweats at bay, & by dosing after 24hrs, I do get some pain relief.

I was going to even go so far as dosing every second day when it's possible, to make what I have last the last week. Well. That was my intention last night, but I don't know if I can realistically do that with oxy a few metres away.

I've just taken a few Lyrica, that might help me caving in to temptation. Just the general, meh feeling can help me just chill out & not over think things.

But, if I know me, pretty soon I'm gonna say, stuff it!! & eat half of what I have left. (Around 250mg), Then pay the price.

I get my scripts Friday, & am sure that now I can keep my doses within the parameters of my prescribed 200mg. Which is great! I'm just gonna have a few tough days this wk whichever way I go about things

Rtp

 

[Runtoparadise]

Bump

C'mon guys, support needed pls!

Rtp

 

[Highdro88]

You're doing awesome. That much reduction is something to be really proud of. I'm working off 40-80mg a day and it's very hard! The withdrawals is what keeps me going back to the meds. I know there are some risks with it, but the loperamide is doing amazing for me right now. 6 days clean with 12-20mg loperamide a day and virtually 0 withdrawals. I'm sure it could help you too. Gotta drink a ton of fluid and garorade helps alot.

How is your dose and symptoms today? Keep digging and your taper sounds like a great plan! Best of luck!!

Mark

 

[Highdro88]

I have a refill for 120 on Friday and am not sure I want to get them. I prob will but it's so nice to feel better without them! Like you said, much better control and feelings clean. Really hope you are doing well.

 

[CfZrx]

RTP! Good to hear from you! Sorry things are tough now You took 540mg just today!? Damn! You got an amazing tolerance. Sounds like it's time for Butrans. I'm gonna start wearin them if my insurance covers it. Read about buprenorphine patches for pain. They have a much better side effect profile, while being preferred to fentanyl patches by many pain patients! Let's do it man! Fuck hyperalgesia for real. Bupe is thought to reverse hyperalgesia, and doesn't escalate tolerance like oxys

 

[Runtoparadise]

Thank you both for your contributions...that weren't at all coerced from you

I'm doing pretty awesomely atm. No oxy today, Just around a ton of Lyrica! I need to save some for Thursday. Then I see My dr for my scripts again Friday.

Hvng said that, it's nearly five am & I haven't been to bed at all. So, obviously my body's missing it's usual dose.

sorry if a lil incoherant,

Rtp

 

[Highdro88]

You're only 2 days from your script! I hope you eventually got some sleep and are hanging in there. Let us know how you're doing ?

 

[P0kemama]

RTP: I hope you are hanging in there and perhaps being able to distract yourself with TV, Netflix, or reading... sending positive energy your way. I know how difficult this time is for you, and it sounds like you are a survivor. Friday is approaching!

 

[Runtoparadise]

Thanks POkemama & Hydro88!!
Hope your both doing well this morning.

News that I'm super happy about is that this morning I've taken the 60mg oxy with a few ibuprofen & not only feel well, but there's a nice little buzz going on in the background.

That's pretty massive for me, considering it was only wks ago I was taking such high doses, (4-600mgs split through the day)!!

I've used many things to potentiate over the years. Except ibuprofen. I bought some for pain relief the last time I went through *serious* wd, & only recently discovered it boosts not only the pain relief of the oxy, but the buzz.

I've always metabolised the oxy quickly, hence my prescribed dose of taking it three rather than two times daily as per usual. Along with twenty mgs oxycodone between these times.

Though that's all out the window, I can only think it's because of my speedy metabolism that I appear to have brought my tolerance Way Down over the past weeks by reducing my intake, & in particular being tough & realistic with myself & limiting it to one dose in 24hrs. (Lol, or none in the last 48hrs)!!

Rtp

 

[walkingblind]

I feel so sorry for you. It must be hell being a slave to the drug. I took Hika to get off Lortab. Good Luck