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please tell me this wll end

theartofwar

theartofwar

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 29, 2009
Messages
3,263
Location
Boston
i will not use detals , went out with a girl im friends with , i have no license, i woke up this morning my headache is awful and i had no idea where i was. Their was acondom on the floor but frankly it was a horse size , i couldnt pull that shit. I never knew the girl, but i know what it feels like to be raped (esp the next day), its all over again. I'm goin to score a shit ton of tar and oxymorphine, I am a day away from seeing my BL'er fried who is keeping me up and im gonna be chillin with her for a good bit as a chance. She is so supportive, and i cannot wait. Im just so scared , im shaking, my body shivres all day but its warmish . I duno im a fucking idiot, i proved to myself my body is a rapers calling card. I hate myself. I know it will get better. But I dontcare, my life couldn't become more horrific again :(. I used to be able to enjoy life again years post childhood rape. I just got played by a 19 year old i got the booze for. I fucking hate myself. I just need to see it Seriousy, i suck dont let it happen to u.
 
later i will jake im going to get lit , i cant feel this again , that uck IS LOCKED UP, i know others are ou there. But fuck myself i hate it. I hate myself so much cept i finally get to see an amazinflt coolmethadon e made me a guuinea pig. My life ruins so mny ppl, im sorry, i wll fuck off for a bit. But i you can support, pls PM me , im begging you guys who know me and can de
 
That was very difficult to finish reading. No one should be subjected to that kind of abuse. I hope you can quickly recover and maybe learn something from the experience. Hopefully one day you, I, and all the other heroin addicts will realize that we can't ever really use drugs to run away from ourselves. I haven't even done opiates in a few months, but I've done other drugs and whenever I get high nowadays I hate myself for it. I hope I can learn to live a completely sober life before my lifestyle kills me.
 
Are you saying you were raped by a girl who was your "friend"? I'm sorry I'm just a bit confused. Do you think you were drugged or something?
I don't mean to pry for details but its very hard to understand how you wrote it.

I was molested as a child and remember it rather vividly. It fucked up a great deal of my teenage years and I can't even imagine what I'd do to myself if it happened again. Did you wake up with blurry vision/dissociated/out of it? Because you're a strong fuck I'd imagine it would have to take a powerful dose of something to be able to get over on you like that.

W/e the case thats fucking terrible. I can't understand why all this negative shit keeps happening to you. From your body falling apart, relapsing to this... man I don't know what to say. I wish I lived alone because I'd tell your ass to drive down here to stay for a few weeks, just to get your head clear. You need to be around good people, strong/accepting people who can help you. If you ever need to talk man you know how to find me, thats really horrible to hear.
 
it isn't like old times, 5x a week habitual - frankly this is a blessng.

ai'm just so confusd and I honestly hope that can get awau I hate lif.
 
TAOW I want to see you get better buddy what would you say is the main problem with your life right now?
Is it the drug use, the bipolar, or is it really just random chance with all this bad shit going on?

I remember just a couple months ago you sounded so happy and I was so happy for you bro. It kills me to see you going through all this shit. Opiates will ALWAYS be there for you, and if you try to stop it doesn't have to be forever. Maybe just tell yourself it'll be a shorttime off?

How long has this run been going for now? Would wds be that bad if you stopped?
And you sound high as a kite right now.. are you? lol. Because if you are it may be better to talk about this shit when you're coming down. Just saying. Although feel free to vent obviously. You're a strong fucking guy, don't let this shit get to you now. You own your life, not opiates. Don't convince yourself that your weak and can't come out of this with your head above water because you can. I think you just need to take a breather really and try to stablize somehow.
 
I know this is a serious topic. But are you a guy? And was there only a girl there? Or are you a girl and you were with another girl and u dont remember some guy there that used that big condom?

Im a little confused on the details here. But if ur a guy and ur saying u had sex with the girl, i think thats not that bad. but if its like u and ur friend got raped by a guy u dont remember, then im sorry about this, you will get better just try to be a little more safe with drug stuff and people you hang out with.

sorry if this isnt called for but if ur a girl and were raped by a guy, atleast there was a condom used and you wouldnt be pregnant

Also, drugs aren't the way to go man. I know that being raped, and having a history of it can be very traumatising to your psychological helath and everything, but a drug addiction isnt the right way to go about this. Your going to just be masking these feelings and continue doing it until you find yourself in a terrible habit. Please go to a therapist, a CBT therapist can help you a lot. They are really caring, help you, and really help you get over things like this and your history. It may be painful to go and talk about and re-experience it in ur mind, but once you come to terms with and it get therapy for it, you will be much better off than before. Drugs are just a terrible way to cope man, I hope you realise this and do go to a therapist for the help that you need. It will be for the better
 
Bojangles69 said:
TAOW I want to see you get better buddy what would you say is the main problem with your life right now?
Is it the drug use, the bipolar, or is it really just random chance with all this bad shit going on?

I remember just a couple months ago you sounded so happy and I was so happy for you bro. It kills me to see you going through all this shit. Opiates will ALWAYS be there for you, and if you try to stop it doesn't have to be forever. Maybe just tell yourself it'll be a shorttime off?

How long has this run been going for now? Would wds be that bad if you stopped?
And you sound high as a kite right now.. are you? lol. Because if you are it may be better to talk about this shit when you're coming down. Just saying. Although feel free to vent obviously. You're a strong fucking guy, don't let this shit get to you now. You own your life, not opiates. Don't convince yourself that your weak and can't come out of this with your head above water because you can. I think you just need to take a breather really and try to stablize somehow.
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Bo, thank you so much for the kind words. I will say a few things - the opiates when I relapsed took me darker than i had ever been. But it was time , I believe in god - and the ability to much into areas where I can see life itself grow - without being hurt by humans. ( okay we aren't perfect gardners... ut yes).

I was gon opiates a good bit , i had 3 1/2 weeks off just 10 days ago, i used for a 8 day binge, but now, now I want for mself.

a) all humans need to eat

b) seeing people have hoerrible times / driving us insaenly MAD - well God observes and watch.

Just please, do not ask me to do anything organized, I don't like them.
 
You are a great friend TAoW. This should never happen to anyone.

Just remember that you are still a good person underneath any of the traumas you have lived through.

I know that living through additional traumas only makes things worse - but hang in there man. Things will get better.

There are too many of us who have lived through molestation, rape, or worse. There is hope for us all. <3
 
hey guys, thank you for being supportive, I feel very stupid about this. My choics with friends, it's my fault, I'll own up to it. That aid, im really hurt and the deed done makes me so stupid
 
Hey man...have not gotten to communicate with you much, but from all your posts you show that you're a hell of a fighter and can make it through more shit than I ever could. I don't have any specific suggestions I just hope you can acknowledge your own strength. You'll make it through this.
 
Legerity said:
Hey man...have not gotten to communicate with you much, but from all your posts you show that you're a hell of a fighter and can make it through more shit than I ever could. I don't have any specific suggestions I just hope you can acknowledge your own strength. You'll make it through this.
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This.

I know him well and consider him a member of my family. He is a good person and he's been through a lot of stuff most people would not have survived.

TAOW - keep fighting. You may not be remembering much right now but the trauma keeps repeating itself. You will soon need to get out of that thought loop. A change of scenery would do you a lot of good.

Please engineer your life so that you can be around people you trust. Hope the meetup with the BLer goes well; the ones I've gotten to know are great people.

I wish you peace and happiness. You know how to reach me.
 
You really need to talk to someone about everything thats going on. I can tell you are trying to reach out to someone for help just by that last topic u created that said "It Hurts So Much" and wrote "fjdsoigfjsd" or something. Its a blatent cry and reachout for help, but writing just that isn't going to help or do anything. You need to let people and tell them exactly how you feel, open up. you can bury this or try to disguise it, you need to deal with it head on and you need to feel the pain in order to feel the relief
 
^ you are right , I'm trying and I can't make myself yet. I am so fucking hurt, i am so fucking sick of crying - i never cyry :( - i just cannot believe people are willing to do this. It truly hurts so badly. I have been talked out of violence, GOD i fucking hate it. IM SO fucking pissed and hurt.

thank you bl :( im sorry to waste time w a buncha whining.
 
theartofwar said:
^ you are right , I'm trying and I can't make myself yet. I am so fucking hurt, i am so fucking sick of crying - i never cyry :( - i just cannot believe people are willing to do this. It truly hurts so badly. I have been talked out of violence, GOD i fucking hate it. IM SO fucking pissed and hurt.

thank you bl :( im sorry to waste time w a buncha whining.
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Its okay if you can't right now, but you need to be able to face it and take the pain and get through it that way. Hiding certain things is just going to make it worse and when you bottle up emotions its going to explode one day into something worse than everything in your past.

Btw i saw the post with the picture of you on it.. i dont see how someone like you got raped unless it was the other way around.. but even so, how would it be considered like rape to the girl if you don't remember what happened, its possible that she wanted to? Im sorry I'm just really confused about the whole situation so I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear.

Also, everyone crys. Its normal, we weren't all built with the ability to cry if it weren't necessary and normal for every living person. Dont beat yourself up over stuff like that
 
theartofwar said:
hey guys, thank you for being supportive, I feel very stupid about this. My choics with friends, it's my fault, I'll own up to it. That aid, im really hurt and the deed done makes me so stupid
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It's not your fault. You don't have to think of it like that.

You aren't stupid man, you are a really smart person.

theartofwar said:
^ you are right , I'm trying and I can't make myself yet. I am so fucking hurt, i am so fucking sick of crying - i never cyry :( - i just cannot believe people are willing to do this. It truly hurts so badly. I have been talked out of violence, GOD i fucking hate it. IM SO fucking pissed and hurt.

thank you bl :( im sorry to waste time w a buncha whining.
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You aren't whining and you aren't wasting time man. You're working past difficult emotions and thoughts. A lot of us are too. Everyone cries, it's just a fact of life.
 
kanyeknievel said:
Its okay if you can't right now, but you need to be able to face it and take the pain and get through it that way. Hiding certain things is just going to make it worse and when you bottle up emotions its going to explode one day into something worse than everything in your past.

Btw i saw the post with the picture of you on it.. i dont see how someone like you got raped unless it was the other way around.. but even so, how would it be considered like rape to the girl if you don't remember what happened, its possible that she wanted to? Im sorry I'm just really confused about the whole situation so I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear.

Also, everyone crys. Its normal, we weren't all built with the ability to cry if it weren't necessary and normal for every living person. Dont beat yourself up over stuff like that
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I couldn't move for 8 hours almost. Have no memory of it and i didn't bring condoms they were there n i am sore. I have to get tested tomorrow. I am so fucking disgusting its sad.
 
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