Please read the whole thing and consider all parts before answering.

[useranonymous]

I’ll try to be as brief as possible (but I probably won’t be). I’m substance-free and have been my entire life. I have many reasons as to why, but the biggest 1 that keeps me substance free is I quite simply don’t have the desire. It was never in me. As I got older, I learned even more reasons why I don’t like it, largely because since middle school I was constantly surrounded by it. I come from a very drug-plentiful region of the country and addiction has reared its ugly head in my own home (cops were called several times), and my friends’ homes. I still to this day don’t understand why people partake in it if the risks are so high. I get that it feels good so obviously there’s an appeal. But lots of things feel good and it doesn’t mean it’s particularly a good idea. Especially, being female I know the only reason I’m even offered free drinks and drugs is ‘cause it presumably makes me easier to sleep with. Something I read on this site is “There is no such thing as safe drug use” that I have always inherently believed, but my reasons seem not to be good enough for 99% of people I’ve interacted with. So why have the content-creators of this site come to that conclusion, like me? All I can do is explain my reasons. I think it’s unsafe because it puts you in an altered state. You don’t have as much control as you would if you were 100% sober. Then people can take advantage of you, or you might do something that’s inconsiderate to others and that’s when it becomes a problem. I understand not every time will end in a catastrophe, but to me that’s like saying “I’ve had unprotected sex plenty of times and nothing bad ever happened.” I get that I can’t control the world, and not everyone doing drugs is trying to hurt other people (took me 25 yrs. to finally learn that one) but that doesn’t mean drugs are helpful in a constructive way.
Anyway…
My boyfriend and I had a debate about marijuana earlier today and I’m still thinking about it. Although he doesn’t use it anymore, he said it’s not like he’ll never smoke it again. I reminded him that I told him a year ago when I first started seeing him that I don’t want to be with someone that uses drugs (yes, I consider marijuana a drug). I’m not even thrilled with the fact that he drinks occasionally, but I know he’s not dependent on it, so I remain tolerant. I try to be mature about this stuff and understand the other side, but it seems like any answer (from anyone, not just my boyfriend) I’m met with, just isn’t good enough for me…the same way my answers aren’t good enough for why I don’t agree with inebriating substance use. I feel like if he ever smoked that stuff again, it would be saying he doesn’t really care about me or what makes me feel safe…It’s quite a conflict for me, because I don’t want to make him feel like I’m restricting him. I consider myself a pretty non-possessive person, so I don’t think I’m being unreasonable by making that request. I also know if someone is going to make a change, they should do it for themselves, not someone else. It’s also more effective that way. Where he’s coming from is he would be very hurt if I were to throw away our whole relationship just because he ingested something as harmless as marihuana. He also asked if he’s really going to have to think about losing me every time he’s faced with that situation, if it ever comes up in the future. I told him there’s thing I have to think about because of him. People have to think about their partners when they’re tempted by lust or whatever, right? I have to think about him when I decide where I’m going to live (he wanted to live in the Philippines, I wanted to live in Salem, MA). We’re in this for the long-term, which we’ve both made very clear to each other. If we want to build a life together, we know we can’t do it in 2 different countries so we’re going to have to compromise. So comparing with drug-use, I don’t see why he feels so taken aback by having to make a “sacrifice” like that. Maybe because he’s never lived with a significant other before, and I have, I have a better understanding of what it means to put another person first. Not that he’s selfish, but we can’t seem to agree on this. We don’t want to break up…but I don’t know…maybe we should? As much as it kills me to say it, if we can’t come to terms with this, what else are we supposed to do? Fight and be miserable forever? I don’t feel safe knowing people I love are putting those things into their body, mainly because of the inebriation factor. Yes, I get that coffee and lots of American food can be considered drugs, but again, they don’t “intoxicate” you on a conscious level. Deep down, I wish the whole world was substance-free. It makes me really sad that the vast majority of people in the world use alcohol, marijuana, drugs, etc. I also find it a little scary that something, when consumed, can have that much power over someone’s psyche. Even the lesser drugs are still used to enhance someone’s mood. Part of me wants someone to give me tough love and tell me we should just part ways because if being substance-free is so important to me, then I should be with someone who feels the same way…But the other part just wants some help. I mean…I’m at a crossroads. I don’t know if I should stay or go. This is really my only issue with him, but it’s the one of utmost significance to me. This has been a deal-breaker in past relationships for me…I’ll probably never change with my point of view about substances, and I have no intention of changing. Not that I’m not willing to hear the other side of the story or change my mind about other things, but something inside me just tells me drugs and alcohol have too high of a price for what is to be gained. Maybe I have an undiagnosed disorder, but I’m able to get that high (or sometimes, that scary low) without any substances. I know the brain has natural hallucinogens in it, particularly while you’re dreaming and I think the emotion or mood means so much more when it happens naturally. When I was younger (in my late teens and early 20s) people even used to ask me what drugs I was on, ‘cause they wanted them. Even to this day, people assume I must have had a lot to drink in order to dance with so little self-consciousness. I’ve calmed it down since then, and moved to a state where drugs are not nearly as prevalent as where I used to live. I’m just hoping someone will tell me something I don’t already know, or that I’m not anticipating. I’m trying really hard not to be a self-righteous judgmental bitch about drug-users. Like I said, it took me most of my life to finally have some sympathy for these people…Anyway, if anyone can offer me new knowledge or advice, I’m willing to listen (judgment-free).

 

[socko]

I have no advice, but I have a few questions.
Are you opposed to the drugs themselves or to the lifestyle? For example, is it the stereotypical, irresponsible, spaced-out stoner image that you hate? The loud, obnoxious beer-swilling frat-boy image?

Maybe you already know this, but coffee contains caffeine which is a drug. I think the Mormon church even forbids it. Chocolate contains the mood-altering drug theobromine. So how do you feel about socially acceptable drugs like coffee, chocolate, or tobacco?

I think one of the points of that statement that all drugs are harmful to some degree is to get people to think about what they're planning to ingest. All of those substances, including coffee and chocolate, can be harmful if taken in excess. Even coffee and chocolate, if nothing else, can make you jittery and snap at people or fat.

I wanted to add that every human seeks and craves some kind of "escape" from every day reality. You must have some escapist impulse you act on sometimes too, right? For some people, it's drugs. For others, it's religion, sex, eating, shopping, gambling, exercise, yoga, meditation, TV-watching, movies, immersion in their work, etc. Like drugs, some of those activities have obvious risks.