Hello. My name is Boris . I just turned 21 and have been on Heroin since 16. I've tried rehab.I've tried xanx.methadone.suboxone .12 step. Clonidine .Even got my doc to perscibe me hydromorphone so I could stay away but I keep relapsing. So I called my "father who I haven't spoken in 10 years to take me in so I could get away from the heroin. He is controlling my xanx scrip and refuses to give them to me even when I get panic attacks. I've been getting beat by him ever since day 1 I moved in when he gets drunk . In 2 months I could move out but I don't know if I can keep getting beat by my father on top of heroin and panic attacks . Should I just pick up my last bag of dope and end it ?
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Please help me live
- Thread starter inFamousB
- Start date
PotatoMan
Bluelight Crew
should you just end it?
"please help me live" is the name of your thread you know..
you sound like you've tried everything and are in a very bad situation mentally and physically.
have you looked into ibogaine treatment?
"please help me live" is the name of your thread you know..
you sound like you've tried everything and are in a very bad situation mentally and physically.
have you looked into ibogaine treatment?
PriestTheyCalledHim
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Leave your living arrangement with your father now. Do you have a friend or family member you can go live with? Or can you check into a local hospital, or detox/rehab run by medical professionals? Stay safe.
Can you get on suboxone? A lot of people find that to be helpful. Or just check into a detox/rehab for the opiates and benzos.
Ibogaine is not some miracle cure for opiate addiction. I know a lot of people who used it attempting to get clean or sober from opiates and they eventually relapsed. Kratom also was not helpful either.
But the most important question is, do you actually want to get sober/clean, and actually change your life completely?
DO NOT kill yourself. Instead get help.
Can you get on suboxone? A lot of people find that to be helpful. Or just check into a detox/rehab for the opiates and benzos.
Ibogaine is not some miracle cure for opiate addiction. I know a lot of people who used it attempting to get clean or sober from opiates and they eventually relapsed. Kratom also was not helpful either.
But the most important question is, do you actually want to get sober/clean, and actually change your life completely?
DO NOT kill yourself. Instead get help.
My mother is sleeping in the car right now cause of financial issues and can't take me in. Not close with my father's side nor do I want to ask. Mothers side of the family are all dead . All my friends are heavy drug users and my old friends I robbed .lied. and uses them so they won't help. I can't go into rehab cause I used my insurance too much.
And yes I do . I've lost half of my arm (side ways) and they cut my main vain cause it was so damaged . Actually counted down with the nurse cause it was new years .
But at the same time I'm feeling human again ... I don't like feeling emotions. I've been using on and off .Drinking everyday and taking xanx to fight the urge not to use .
My father is 1st generation Korean and beated me for asking to go to the suboxone doctor .I've tried subs in the past but thinking it would help this time I had to ask .
And yes I do . I've lost half of my arm (side ways) and they cut my main vain cause it was so damaged . Actually counted down with the nurse cause it was new years .
But at the same time I'm feeling human again ... I don't like feeling emotions. I've been using on and off .Drinking everyday and taking xanx to fight the urge not to use .
My father is 1st generation Korean and beated me for asking to go to the suboxone doctor .I've tried subs in the past but thinking it would help this time I had to ask .
Erikmen
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You are very young and still with all the things you said you have tried I wonder why none of them has had any success. Do you think you really want to get out of that or are you honestly torn apart like most of us when we start trying?
If you really want to stop using, that's going to require so much energy time and efforts that even with everyone onboard you have to be the leading actor. Meaning that you have to convince yourself that this life you are having with heroin is impossible to reconcile and it only gets worse.
Risking saying the obvious, think about yourself in 10 years from now. Being 21 you are pretty much inside a world that understands why young people seek drugs and have problems getting out off of them. But that changes if you remain in this situation for longer periods and you risk being target for the rest of your life when you are just beginning. Think about what you really want from you. A world with freedom, health, without the need of the next fix. I've literally seen dozens and dozens of people taking that very single first step of recognizing your need to get out of this world because there's only sadness and repetition of a life that does not go on. You know you can do this. A small part of you is growing inside saying this can't go on and I think it's time for you to listen to that voice and get your life back because everyday now matters.
Get the help you need from your parents/doctor but bare in mind that only you can help yourself. When you say you have done this and that and nothing has really worked I would consider asking why are you accepting this defeat. You don't have too. It's up to you and everything that happens when you stop does get better with time. It's a process and most of us here have gone through this in one way or the other. Don't end a life that hasn't even started yet? Why would you?
A doctor once asked me if I had ever been in love. That was when I was at your age passing through the very same situation you are. He asked if I have visited all the places in the world, and if I could view myself surrounded by kids. He told me to help him by being his assistant in his rounds at the hospital. And I saw how much I was privileged. That I deserved a chance, and it's stroke me that will that made me stop for the first time.
I suggest that you stop seeing yourself like someone who can't move without opiates to someone who can. It's easy to stop, difficult to keep living without it but totally possible. You just have to find that light in yourself that you know you have and turn it on. Everyone will be onboard with you and it's going to work but it's not easy although you will succeed as you are still young and have more chances to do so.
I'm cheering for you!! Remember that you have the power to do the impossible things you think are on its way to be totally sober.
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Erik. Thank you for your time.
Maybe it's the paws . Maybe it's me . I know I sound like an emotional f***.I'm not looking for sympathy or attention.
I'm honestly just ..scared ? Defeated ?
Maybe I'll just be another statistics. I have no more strength to continue like this . Maybe it's time
Maybe it's the paws . Maybe it's me . I know I sound like an emotional f***.I'm not looking for sympathy or attention.
I'm honestly just ..scared ? Defeated ?
Maybe I'll just be another statistics. I have no more strength to continue like this . Maybe it's time
dicko89
Bluelighter
don't end it mate your young I fully understand you must be going thorough hell atm stay strong for us..keep intouch if you need advice just pm me.
dicko89
Bluelighter
hi mate last week I was in the same position I was stood on a train track ready to end it then I seen the train coming and something clicked into my head I went straight to st georges hospital they give you meds there Xanax and vailum its worth a shot.
Erikmen
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You are here. You are looking for answers. It's not over.
It's easier to accept things like they are now but seeing you here shows that a part of yourself is seeking for a way out of it. Not by ending it, but ending the circle that feeds the addiction. It's so much more convenient to accept your life as you reply. You don't know what's on the other side. It could be worse it could be hell. Do worry if you are emotional, there's not a problem with it.
Be whatever you want but give yourself a chance. You could have a great life, looking from outside you having even started. There's so much more in life you still have to live. I was 21 once I had a similar reaction and 15 years later I were so grateful for having had an opportunity to live things much better than addiction. I relapsed and then I saw how fortunate I was when I was younger. Don't give up. There is a world of things that will still happen to you and this suffering in the future will be like a short lapse of time. I can only wish that you hear your instincts, like the one that made you come here and ask for help.
Erikmen
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This!
If you see what I have written as well as the support messages from everyone else it seems clear to me that you need to do this and do it now. You are young and this will help you!
You can do this!
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
InFamousB, what if at this very "rock bottom" frame of mind you chose to kill everything in your head that is standing in the way of recovery instead of killing yourself? You have obviously not had a nurturing start to life and you cannot be blamed for that--but this does not have to define your life. Addiction is only the surface symptom of what is defeating you. How can you get down underneath it and discover all the underpinnings? Despair is the real killer here. Most of us learn early how to curl up in the fetal position when faced with despair--what we should be taught, and have to teach ourselves, is how to face it like a warrior.
I agree completely. Since reading everyones support I'm still alive. A friend called cause he was around where I moved to and handed me a bag and a rig . I mixed it up and pulled up the syringe . In the process of the needle in my arm . I pulled out and said enough is enough .
1 question tho. I had a persciption of dilaudid 6months ago for several chronic pain. If I went to the er. Would they give me a script of dilaudid until I can get back to a pain managment near me .
1 question tho. I had a persciption of dilaudid 6months ago for several chronic pain. If I went to the er. Would they give me a script of dilaudid until I can get back to a pain managment near me .
And here is what I've been doing recently. While posting on here the first time . There were cops at the end of the street. I walked up and asked where the closest NA meetings were in town (middle of nowhere ) . Since then I've went twice . Weds and Friday. Doesn't seem to help yet much cause all they talk about is god this God that. But I've been trying still cause thanks to all of you guys encouraging me . My title said please help me live . Now . Thank you all for letting me live . I wish I could meet everyone who helped me and thank you personally . Thank you all for giving me strength when I needed it the most .
Erikmen
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This!
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
It sucks that AA and NA can be so religious in certain parts of the country. Just try to frame other people's use of the concept of "God" for yourself. When I was using a 12-step program for support (al-anon) during my son's addiction, I chose to think of my own higher power as my own future self--the calm and centered person that I wanted to be but was failing miserably at being. It was a way to acknowledge to myself that my own strategies (if I even had any) were not working. The power of the group itself (people that truly understood the pain and sense of helplessness and chaos) was also a part of my "higher power". I am neither religious nor a believe in any kind of actual deity but I do believe in the power of our own spirits to have a healthy life-sustaining connection to something far more timeless and infinite than most of us can even imagine. In other words, I don't try to imagine or define it, but I allow myself to feel it. Sounds crazy when I write it that way.8)
I do believe that recovery is physical, mental and spiritual. The physical is unique to you because drugs interact with every body differently. The mental is unique to you because no one else has your nature combined with your history. The spiritual is even more unique. We all share so much and we are all quite alone in a way. Once you can embrace both of those facts, you find your own sense of balance greatly improved.
Erikmen
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Yes I know, and that is not so good imho. I realized that sometimes we have just to get the energy from these meetings and discard what doesn't suit you. Look for other places other meetings. Online meetings if you will. The power of the group as you mentioned has a healing purpose and it has worked for some of us especially when you are most need it.
You are right about recovery, it's also very emotional in all levels. Finding the balance is tricky but the trying to get there is as important as the results. It seems you are moving on the right direction. You'll get there.
Take care!
You are right about recovery, it's also very emotional in all levels. Finding the balance is tricky but the trying to get there is as important as the results. It seems you are moving on the right direction. You'll get there.
Take care!
