PLEASE help me..I'm so scared..how could he do this? *Update page 4*

[Inspector Abberline]

MynameisnotDeja,

First, I'd suggest some language replacement.

The postings you've made have indicated that perhaps throughout the whole three years, this wasn't really a good relationship. You've been on an off, had problems with trust, etc. This is not love. Sorry, but it isn't. I think it more important to deal with the "now" and move forward, as there is little benefit in living in the past, but perhaps in your case, you should rexamine the relationship and come to the realization that it wasn't love.

What I'm saying is that you definitely should not be using the word love. I think if you stop using this word, it will make things easier. Instead of feeling bad about how it's all working out and crying "I love him!!", say, "I'm concerned about him." Sounds really damn silly, but if you can't change your words you can't change your thoughts.

he is my physically PERFECT IDEAL

ok.... think I'll just ignore that.

[guote]I think the thing for me is...I can't do this alone. This can't be ME DUMPING HIM. Then I will hurt and blame myself, and fall into a horrible self hating depression. If he dumped me or we were in this together with this decision, then I know I could move on.[/quote]

this is borderline pathetic... I would agree that it's sometimes easier to recover if you are the one being dumped, but having only been the dumpee once, I also know that breaking up with someone is something you can't be a baby about.

It would have been easier when he was being mean to me. Now it's like, he's saying how he wants to go out dancing with me and have fun (He never would do stuff like that with me all this time)..NOW he wants to go drinkin and party...it's unbelievable. I almost wish he would just treat me like shit for one more day so I could just leave. I know I am not strong enough to walk away now. It is so fucked up.

Ok.... he didn't do these things when he was with, you, now he want you back and wants to do these things..... Please don't say you can't see this for what it is.

About Thanksgiving...you forgot something...no taking phone calls.

Assume for a minute that he's being genuine, that he really wants to change, etc., it doesn't matter. It's not the right thing to do for him. Harder right vs. easier wrong.

So often in live, we do things that are supposedly for the benift for others when in reality it's for ourselves. You see him because you supposedly feel bad for him. In reality, you see him because it makes you feel better. It eases your pain.

it doesn't matter. It's what it is.

Wrong. It is what you make it.

my prediction. you'll stay involved with him until something really bad happens. seen this scenario play out a billion times. and it won't be because that's how it worked out or because of something he did, or because of anything else. you'll keep seeing him because you want to. In fact, you say it yourself.

I almost wish he would just treat me like shit for one more day so I could just leave.

but I was cursed with wayyyy to much of a damn heart.

Actually, a strong heart would enable you do the harder right vs. the easier wrong. Saying things like this are cop outs. I know because I've said them. Its an excuse you tell yourself so that you won't feel as bad about caving.

All in all, this will not be a bad experience for you. Without pain, without sacrifice, we have nothing. Things like this will take from you being a girl to being a woman. It's is the painful road that does the most for us. Hang on for a bumpy ride.

"If you can't say it, you can't do it." - Risky Business. On Bravo, right at this moment. And damn, if Rebecca De Mornay ain't hot!

 

[starlightgemini]

Awwww

I'm not sure why but I don't feel like putting my post here. But, you can PM me or whatever if you want to talk to me.

I was a meth addict for 2 years. I hid it from my boyfriend for over a year. Which makes me a horrible person but, maybe I can offer you some insight or at least some support.

*hugs*

Oh I'll go ahead and say this much though...if he's been lying to you for this long and wants another chance and SWEARS he'll change his ways...there's about a .01% chance that is going to happen.

Trust me. I've been there. And I've done way too much of this drug and I know what it does to people. And how they think...and how they act. I haven't gone through this whole thread so I don't know if he's "addicted" or just using on a somewhat frequent basis.

Meth addicts are an impossible breed of people to deal with. I can say this, because I was.

 

[tourette]

First of all, Inspector Abberline, your posts have been some of the best I've ever read on this board. Absolutely solid, good advise.

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years. It was a few months ago now. For the first month or so, I went through the same thing you are. Seeing her too much, getting jerked around, I was an emotional mess.

Finally, I realized for myself the most important message that Inspector A is trying to get across. Taking the path that seems most difficult is the only way it can work. Cutting off contact with him is for the greatest good. And I know how absolutely incredibly hard it is. I can't even believe it at this point. Its been a month since I've spoken more than a couple words to her, and I still want to pick up that phone and tell her I want to see her so often.

You have to be strong though. Stronger than you've ever been. It may feel like it requires super human effort at times, but you absolutely need to do this, for his good as well as your own. Otherwise it will just keep tearing you apart and this state of horrible chaos and confusion will remain unending.

Get out a notebook. Start writing more. Get your feelings out that way. Whenever you want to call him, get out your pen and paper. Find some new music. Ask some of your good friends to give you recommendations. Things you normally wouldn't listen to, and especially wouldn't with him. Spend more time with people you are comfortable with, and just work on improving yourself.

I don't know all the answers. And I'm still dealing with the heartbreak of it all every day. But it does lessen, and become less frequent and easier to deal with. And it will get better. And you do really realize that you are doing the right thing (and the only possible thing) at some point, and that helps as well.

I just hope that someday these feeling fade enough that I can be friends with that girl again. Having somebody be a part of your life for 4 years is incredible and wonderful. And cutting that out may be necessary. But anything like that will take a very long, I'm coming to find, and thats how it goes...

I wish you the best.

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

*update again*

Well...things are better now I think.
I went over there last night, got my cat from him,
and we had our closure.
He was SO good to me. I love him SO much.
I don't care if anyone wants to try and tell me "this is not love".
This is no one else's life but MINE, and no one can
tell me who I love or don't love. And I LOVE this boy with
all my heart. That doesn't change the fact that we are letting
each other go for awhile though.
Anyways, when I went over there, he comforted me...it was like
we were mourning over the loss together. He held me
and told me he understood now why I had to have it
this way. He said he could let me go, but he wouldnt
never want to talk to me again. We both understood that
"being friends" does NOT mean things being the same
(me coming over every day, seeing each other all the time
kind of thing) but it means calling each other sometimes
when we need to talk about things only we would
understand, or seeing each other to see how our
lives are going and visit with each others pets and stuff..
It was the best closure I could have asked for...I
feel like my prayer got answered (they usually do)..
It hurt SO bad when I had to take Frogger (my kitty) home..
but I knew this was the only way things could
possibly work out for us..we have to seperate to
be able to have a real break. Without a real break,
there is almost NO chance for the future, and with one,
there is a chance. If we are meant to be again someday,
I know we will be...and if not, well then, thats okay too,
because that just means there is someone else for me.

As for the meth thing, he is doing so much better. It
felt so good to see him wolfing down his food the other
night...God to see him eat means so much, I was so
happy. He has gotten a lot of his color back and looks
AMAZING. He's been honest with me too..he came
really close to relapsing after a bad fight we had a couple
nights ago, but didn't (I believe him because of how much
weight he is putting on and how healthy he looks-plus
he is acting like a HUMAN BEING again now)..I hope he
doesn't relapse but if he does, I hope he will feel
free to call me and talk to me about it.

Thank you all SO extremely much for all of your help
through this...I am feeling so much better now that
there is closure..my heart is still broken but it's better
now because I know this is just a part of our path.
Last night Steve said to me "Today is the last day
of OUR old lives..tomorrow we will start new lives
together, but on our own." It was so perfect. He
was so good to me last night, he made it so much
easier..I feel like I'm not losing something as much
as setting something free, and it's meant to be this
way...I have to set him free. If he comes back, it
will mean it is SO real and right and I know he is the
one I'll marry one day...and if he doesn't come back
I will still cherish every moment with him. You all
might think he is an asshole because all I write
about during the bad time is OBVIOUSLY the BAD
times...he is not an asshole or a bad person..
He is a beautiful person and I love him and always
will...

Thank you guys again for giving me so much support!!!!



-Andi

 

[starlightgemini]

Honey I think you are doing the right thing :D

Good for you for taking a break.

And speaking as the former guilty party in a very similar situation I can say thank you for giving him a chance. On the one hand, with addicts, we lie. Many addicts do anyway. BUT at the same time, everyone deserves a second chance. I am glad he is showing signs of improvement.

Keep us updated. Best of luck *hugs* :D

 

[FaerieBum]

I totally feel for you. With my first boyfriend, We were only together for about a year, but he was so fucking awful to me for half of it. and i just couldnt let go because it was so hard and i loved him so much. Not only did he rip out my heart and feed it to me, but he pointed and laughed as i choked it back up..then he stomped on it. I found out at the end of the relationship he had been lying to my face constantly, and that he had cheated on me with over 10 different girls. For some fucked up reason it was still hard to let go of him, but i did.

For me, i was pretty heartbroken and still loved him..but after we were apart and i started thinking about all the shit he had done to me, everything was suddenly so clear....i fell out of love pretty quickly and it was easy to forget him.

((((hugs))))

its good to hear you are doing better

ps meth is evil (i'm sure you know that) Every friend i've had that was a meth fiend that got better...just went back to it. I'm not saying your steve will...i'm just saying be careful hun.

 

[Inspector Abberline]

Sometimes this perception closure thing is part of the whole breaking up progress. What exactly does closure mean? A resolution of all problems? A final understanding? A final "letting go." I personally think closure, in this sense, never really happens. There are somethings that we will never understand. Somethings questions that will never be answererd. Some feelings that will never go away. To this day, there are some relationships that I've had that I still wonder about. Must have had closure several times after my first painful breakup.

But your attitude does sound better. Whatever the situation, good or bad, a postive attitude is a plus.

The catch for you is that the significant other has a serious addiction. Getting over the pain from a breakup can take a while. Getting over a drug...takes a long while. A very long time.

Still don't think what the way your going about is it is the best way. 3-4 year relationship with lots of turmoil, requires more than cutting back how much you call to achieve a true break. However, you sometimes gotta do what feels right at the time. Again, experiences like this will turn you from a girl to a woman.

I think one of the reasons that it's not a good idea to be around each other immediately after the breakup is this transition to friendship is born is a period of strife with and toward each other and that's a tough way to start a friendship. However, if you maintain distance and are able to achieve a good amount of healing and personal reconciliation, you'll back as friends with good spirits. My opinion.

Keep in my mind, advise that is contrary isn't meant to put you down. It is, on the other hand, advise from a different perspective.

Seriously, good luck to you. I hope that you are able to maintain a good attidude that that your heart allows you to see the truth.

And to tourette , thanks for the compliments. Any wisdom I have, has come with a high price. Lots of emotional turmail. Where I consider myself different is besides taking my personal experience and piling it in my brain, I have also done serious amounts of study (reading books, writing my thoughts, watching the right movies) on subjects of self-awareness, philosophy, metaphysics, enlightment extra. On the path, so to speak. It is a painful path to walk, though. Internal shame when I have been able to look in the mirror and see how I really am. Sometimes pulling away from the stereotypical party world. Sometimes isolating myself for purposes of intropection. A general rejection of the ideals that modern society holds. Lots of reading. I party hard too and still do a lot of things that I'd be better off not doing, but all in all, I don't tend to certain things as much as others. It boils down to what's most important to you. For some people, it's going out every night and seeing how much you can drink, how many people you can have sex with, watching american idol, being concerned about the fate of michael jackson. Or on a more seriousness note, for some it's important to find that special person, have a family, make a positive contribution to society through works, having more involvement with church, develop a career. For me, it's getting closer to the point where I can truly know who I am. That's what actually brought me to this board as I feel that used under the right manner, drugs can help you achieve higher and altered states of consciousness. And, they make good fun too. (Recently moved and no longer have the cannibas connection. What a crying shame... Hoping for good things from salvia, which is on the way!)

It's not for everone though. Some people aren't willing to put in the work, don't want to make the sacrifices. It's not like I'm trying to be buddha or anything, it just ain't all fun. I've gotten glimpses on a few occassions of myself as others see me and it's always been shocking, especially when it's something bad. Look at someone you know well, someone whom you might think poorly of and imagine if that person could see that perception. It has made me cry on occassion.

I still work, hang out with friends, watch some tv, movies. This might be considered a serious hobby that I'm very passionate about.

And keep up with your efforts tourette. I promise that not only will it get easier every day, put you will also be proud of yourself for having the strength to not run back and you will inevitably become a much stronger man.

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

^^ Your posts add a LOT to Bluelight. I hope you stick around.

Nothing much to update...except Steve found a house to live...he is still moving with the roomate he lives with now (the one that is a tweaker)..and he is all trying to tell me how they "can't have meth at that house"...I just looked at him and said "You CAN'T possibly be THAT naive with all you've been through, can you?" I do NOT believe his roomate will quit meth, and while I believe Steve is a strong enough person to still stay away from it if he REALLY wants to, I think he is putting himself in an extremely stupid and vulnerable position by moving with his roomate R.

But I guess it's not my problem. All I've done is let him know if he goes back to it, I will pretty much eleminate my thoughts of getting back together anytime in the immediate future. And it's not because of the meth, it's because of how he let it change him.
It's stupid though...all the other friends I have and the one other guy I sort of like all use meth too...I can't seem to be free of it.

 

[evolvedadam]

can i just ad how god damn hot you are!

 

[Inspector Abberline]

he is still moving with the roomate he lives with now (the one that is a tweaker)..and he is all trying to tell me how they "can't have meth at that house"...I just looked at him and said "You CAN'T possibly be THAT naive with all you've been through, can you?" I do NOT believe his roomate will quit meth, and while I believe Steve is a strong enough person to still stay away from it if he REALLY wants to, I think he is putting himself in an extremely stupid and vulnerable position by moving with his roomate R.

I see grasshopper is learning... A very wise observation.

But I guess it's not my problem.

nope.

All I've done is let him know if he goes back to it, I will pretty much eleminate my thoughts of getting back together anytime in the immediate future.

Not bad, not bad. Not much more you can do then that.

If all your friends use meth and it seems like a problem, sometimes it helps to....find new friends.

Oh yeah, evolvedadam is right. I looked at your album. Very nice. Like that "bitch looking pic". You have a very striking and serious look about you. So often I've seen women of beauty (personally, I reserve that term for a woman with nice looks and nice personality), stress over a man in a bad relationship. Never understood that at all. If you can have this much passion and concern for someone whom perhaps you shouldn't be with, imagine how good it would feel to be with a man worthy of it.

You seem like a nice person. Demand higher standards.

 

[jemelsaa]

mynameisnotdeja.......

one day at a time....one moment at a time......you are working your way to the light at the end of the tunnel......& when you reach it, your spirit will have grown much stronger & wiser....due to the journey....you will make it....if you want to make it.

It will be as tough, as hard or as easier as you make it to be.....its your process & yours alone....wishing you much strength & wisdom on this roller coaster process of relationships & life....

what great words of wisdom.....Inspector......& even greater in sharing them to maybe help others.......very insightful posts.......so cool!!!

peace to all...
jemelsa...

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

Thank you guys for the compliments...I find it extremely hard to believe right now though...
This would all be so much easier if I had some friends around..the only other friend I had seems to be blowing me off right now...and it hurts...it hurts BAD. I have absolutely NO ONE to talk to, beyond people on the net.
Understand that I get up, and go to work, and come home from work, and SIT at my fucking house until I go to sleep to start all over again.
Find new friends? HOW????????????

No one talks to me or calls me...there has to be something wrong with me.

 

[Mean Girl]

If you can't have confidence in yourself, nobody else will, so remember to keep your head up.

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

I'm trying...it's just really weird for guys to blow me off...it hurts so bad and makes me think they are so stupid...
And as for it all ending...I think of it more as a new begining..I know me and Steve will end up together again..unless something drastic happens that is...

 

[Inspector Abberline]

No one talks to me or calls me...there has to be something wrong with me.

Went through myself on my first break-up. I had just moved to the area and didn't know many people besides my girlfriend. So...when she left. It was just me...all by myself. Definitely not fun at all. Making matters worse, when I'm elated, I'm out being the life of the party. When I'm sad, I pull into my little cave all by myself, and God help you if you come near me.

Understand that I get up, and go to work, and come home from work, and SIT at my fucking house until I go to sleep to start all over again.

That was totally me. Got up at 7, got on the train at 7:30, got to work sometime before 9, at lunch by myself, left at 5p, got home at 6:30p. Sat around being sad, watching tv, writing sad poems, trying to sleep. Got up at 7am... On weekends...got home on Friday at 6:30p. Didn't leave the apartment until 7:30am on Monday.

If you have friends and they're not there for you...that hurts. Sometimes people just don't care about others as much as they say they do. I would discourage you from getting upset at them though, if you can help it.

I talked with a good friend last night that I hadn't spoke to in several months. I spoke with him about an experience I recently went through in which some people that I thought were my friends didn't act like it. He read me something that I wish I could remember in its entirety here, but it went something like this, in a simplified version:

If you are kind and you are not treated kindly, still be kind.
If you love and are not loved in return, still love.
etc, etc.
Basically...
If you demonstrate a characteristics of a good person and it is not returned, still do it.

People will disappoint you. The people you are closest to will disappoint you the most. If they are your friends, and you love them, well...you will them.

At the same time, you got to ask yourself how you are around your friends. Are you always sad and talking about your ex? It is really hard being around someone who is sad all the time. In an ideal friendships, you would expect this to not matter, but unfortunately it does. People can only take so much of it before they get tired of it or it starts pulling them down too. Furthermore, it is not totally fair to expect your friends to be able to handle this.

It is very easy to feel sorry for yourself in situations like this, which starts a downward spiral of sandess and further self-pity. It also makes the relationship that you just ended all the more appealing and it increases the perceived value you give it, i.e. you make it out to be better than it was. You might be really tempted to step back into your relationship.

it's just really weird for guys to blow me off

The curse of being pretty, I suppose. This something you have to get used to. Not because it's going to happen all the time, but it's important for us to understand that we are "not all that." We can be a really good person and have a lot of great attributes about us that anyone would be honored to have in a significant other, yet at the same time, it doesn't mean that everyone is, or should, fall all over us.

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

I'm stupid, he didn't blow me off

I just wanted to say SORRY for the insecure depressed posts from yesterday...I am really starting to realize that I need to go back to therapy. My friend C didn't blow me off, there are a perfectly logical explanation for why he wasn't calling.
IA, I LOVE your posts. You really should be a professional writer, if you are not already. I will keep this thread bookmarked forever.
I just wanted to say...in regard to friends..I am definately NOT a self pity (despite my random depressed posts from yesterday) kind of person. Usually when I go out I don't even talk about Steve, because I am trying to get my mind off Steve. I am the kind of person who wants to have fun and is laughing a lot and stuff..with friends and me, it's not as much a thing of me not attracting them, its the ability to keep them around or progress the friendship. I know that I have some weird social phobia things too..so maybe it's more me than other people, I dunno...but anyways, thats another topic.
An update on my topic...last night I kissed someone else for the first time since a week before I met Steve. It was really weird, (not the kiss, just the idea of kissing someone else) but I'm SO glad I did it. I like this person a lot but made it clear that I am in a very confusing point in my life, and I don't know whats going to happen with me and Steve or anything..but yeah...wow. It did feel so good to get a kiss...a nice kiss at that. I am very sexually frustrated and it was hard not to want to take it further, but I didn't. No clothes came off..nothing like that. Just kissing..
Anyways..Steve asked me if anything happened this morning, and I told him. He wasn't very happy, but I had told him, I am not making ANY promises when it comes to other people...if I did then we really wouldn't be broken up. And he said something about how he should have had Kristy over last night...I don't know who Kristy is..but yeah..he should have had her over if thats what he wants. I think we both should be able to be with other people, thats fine. I mean, it doesn't make me happy, but I want him to feel free to do what he wants. As long as he still loves me and wants to call and let me know how he is, I don't care.

So yeah...I'm amazed anyone ever replies to this thread anymore..I appreciate you guys so much. One of these days I'll stop updating it I guess..but thank you again for giving so much good advice!!!!

 

[Dancing_Princess]

^^^^ Sweety, I have been reading everyones posts right from the start, and for the first time in a long time, I really felt that in this post you sounded alot happier. I am glad things are looking up for you and you are being so stong. Not only by being strong for yourself, but also for being able to stay friends with Steve and also helping him!!!! Keep up the good work sweety, and make sure to keep us updated.

 

[PlurredChemistry]

and makes me think they are so stupid...

well, guys are stupid...duh

----------------------

anyways, i can't believe i haven't read this thread yet. i don't have much to add that hasn't been already stated, but i do want to tell you that your bravery and ability to deal with this situation are simply AMAZING.

::hugs::

 

[Strawberry_lovemuffin]

Wow girl, I am so impressed. Look how far you've come since your first post! And all the emotions you've gone through.... shock, anger, denial, depression, hope and finally - what looks to me like a kind of acceptance. It truly is remarkable.... this thread is why I love SLR so much. You get to witness this kind of transformation, and it reminds you how incredibly beautiful and human we all are.
And the fact we've made some kind of difference is great. To support someone through this kind of a life change is a challenge and an honour; and I'm so proud of each and every bluelighter in this thread.
I think so many people still reply to you honey because you're brave enough to admit you're not perfect. You show your vulnerability, but are learn from your experiences and to listen.... and that makes everyone relate to you and respect you.
This journey is far from over of course, but you're doing so well.
Go girl

 

[quiet roar]

Shucks SLM, now you've made me blush.

However notDeja, I do think you need to put more distance between you and Steve.