PLEASE help me..I'm so scared..how could he do this? *Update page 4*

[E-llusion]

Lies, Lies, Lies....... It all comes down to lies and lack of trust.

It's not meth or any other drug, it's not cheating with other men/women, it's not being ill..

It is all about Lies, if a person lies about ANYTHING while in relationship, that relationship that you thought you had with them is really gone and changed forever.

I know more than you think on this subject, if you can't fully trust your partner because of his/her actions {insert excuse here} then the whole balance of relationship changes.

And your partner, should you decide to be with him/her, will always feel like they are forced to prove to you that they are not doing anything behind your back, and what kind of relationship is that ?

It suxxx 1st class, and I know that first hand...........

 

[Innocuous]

For nine years of my childhood I watched this type of heart wrench, what can I give you, *hugs* Don't stay because it hurts to leave, stay because you want to.

 

[Powder_Sports]

I feel for you,
I have yet to see a positive thing come from Meth, only a continuing downward cycle of loved ones, best friends you name it. I like most drugs but hate meth with a true passion.

 

[jemelsaa]

MYNAMEISNOTDEJA>>>>>For now, I am starting to get excited about life and trying to look on the bright side of this situation. There are a lot of good things about it (for me)

1) I had always felt I was going to need some form of "a break" before I was able to marry Steve..I mean I lost SO much of myself in this relationship I can't even explain...I feel like right now I am sort of a blank slate and I know this is a time for me to experiment and grow as a person and just be free without all the boundries of the relationship to hold me back.
2) Since this situation is ALL HIS causing, I don't have to have any guilt about needing "a break" or anything else...it's not on me, which is relaxing in a way...my worst nightmare was to hurt this boy when he has already gone through so much pain. In a way I am kind of glad it was me who got hurt here, because I know my heart is strong and can handle it.
3) Things were so messed up before, I had an ache inside not knowing what was going to happen or WHY they were so messed up. Now I know, and life can change for the better.
4) There is a chance that if we do get back together, it will be the "fresh start" I know I needed to really feel the spark and the romance again, for things to be real.
5) This will really give us a chance to be independant, when we were SO damn codependant before. I'm kind of forcing myself to tell him "You need to find your own way home from work now" or "You need to take care of getting yourself some food"..it's hard..because I was SUCH a freakin mother to him for so long, but I want to know he can stand strong on his own two feet before he can be my man again."


GOOD ON YA MATE.....that is such a positive, beneficial way to look at all
diversity in our lives....
how is this teaching me to become more compassionate & loving towards myself as much as others?
what lessons are in this situation for me?
what needs to be changed within me?
what is acceptable & what is not?
how do I wish to be treated?
how do I treat others?
what are my boundaries?
what can I learn from co-creating this experience?
etc....

With all diversity we experience.......it truly has the potential to make us a BITTER or BETTER person, to be more compassionate & understanding when others hurt & are suffering.....to be more loving & respectful towards ourselves.....this I see as the greatest hidden treasure & gift we are given through our hardships & suffering. These people that bring this to us, for us to be more aware of ourselves are in my opinion 'spiritual teachers' whom we connect with at different stages on our journey, for our OWN learning & evolving....as we bring an opportunity with us for them........always a two way thing.....

you really will FIND & KNOW YOURSELF much more, on much deeper levels.......your strengths & weaknesses will become more apparent if you keep looking within......you will know what needs to be strengthened & what needs to be changed.......you will know, you will grow..........because of this...

much wisdom & strength sent your way....although from your above thoughts of your last post.....you seem to be in touch with both of these qualities that are within each & everyone of us......but dont show themselves too clearly until such times as these.......

one day at a time....seperating is like a death...sometimes much harder for us...as the person we love is still out there......you will have your up & down days for as long as you have them......feel your feelings, write them all down...express, understand, deal & heal.....time.....

whether you end up withdrawing, closing down, quitting or staying open.........is entirely up to you...........however to be of help to him in the most healthiest & beneficial way, you need to look at what you are contributing to the relationship, you need to be strong, centered within yourself, completely honest, know what is of the most benefit & for the highest good for both, be caring & detached with love....... & always be mindful of what your own motivation is.......a continual dance of balance.....

all the best........one day at a time......I feel for ya matey....



peace to you...
jemelsa...

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

*update*

Thank you so much for all of the replies..

Just to update...last night I went out to the bar where I work,
and met with some friends and made some new ones, and got
drunk and danced and didn't let myself feel guilty about it,
(even though I didn't fuck anyone else or anything, I know
if he saw me dancing with other guys it would KILL him)
The way I look at it, we are on a break..I am not planning
on fucking anyone else or anything...but I am not feeling
guilty about having fun on my own either..and I figure,
he doesn't need to know, right? I would tell him if I got
with someone else or something, but I don't have to tell
him every little detail about everything that happens to
me...and I shouldn't feel bad about it right? I ask this
because I have so much love for him and don't want to
hurt him..and I do feel a little weird..it's weird feeling
"single" again..I only put it in quotes like that because
it's such a weird...unfamiliar..long ago thing for me.
I was flirting all over the place last night...and thinking..
OMG, I forgot how "single Andi" was...!

 

[ibizakat]

Re: *update*

I would tell him if I got
with someone else or something, but I don't have to tell
him every little detail about everything that happens to
me...and I shouldn't feel bad about it right? I ask this
because I have so much love for him and don't want to
hurt him..

Oh my god girl, listen to yourself! You're asking if you HAVE to tell him what you do while you guys are obviously taking time off... when HE LIED TO YOU FOR TWO YEARS??? No. No, no, no. Don't tell him anything. He has no right or need to know. *hugz* i'm glad things are working out, and I wish you the best. Maybe in your "single Andi" mode you'll meet someone new... who won't lie to you about drug habits. Or maybe you'll just love being single!

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

^Hehe..I know it's stupid...he did me wrong but I still
could never lie to him, ya know? I just have this HEART
and these stupid MORALS..

*shrugs*

*LOL*

But yeah...I figure there is a line that if I crossed, I would
have to tell him, because thats what I would want. Like
if he flirts with other girls right now I just don't wanna
know about it, but if he kissed another girl I would definately
want to know.

 

[Winding Vines]

but I CAN'T...Thats not WRONG is it? I am not a bad person because I feel it's not the same? I know that is a stupid question, but he MAKES me feel that I am. He acts like I am a bitch because I haven't instantly forgiven him..he says he kept it from me "to not hurt me" and "This isn't his fault because of his childhood and his parents abuse"...but it's not MY fault either...all I did was trust him, and apparantly that was wrong.

NO its not wrong, it was HIS fault, no one elses and he should deal with the ramifications of his actions, you are a good person and you dont need someone to constantly be hurting you like this. You deserve someone who puts forth the effort in the relationship as you do. end of story, there is no excuse for drugs to be an issue in a relationship thus .. sorry to be so heartless YOU need to get out of that relationship, you are a strong beautiful honest young woman who doesnt need the emotional torcher you are going through right now andsomeone to be kind to you. Love is not pain, love is to apperciate life. hunny if you need someone to talk to IM me at Autum Poppy.

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

^ thank you for your kind words...
as of now we are broken up but it hurts so bad...
I see him getting well...and I am trying to be his friend..
I want so bad to start over but I am forcing myself
to spend more time apart first...

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

*Update*

Things have gotten even more messed up. I don't know what to do.
Steve and I have been "on a break" or whatever...
We kind of agreed to do our thing, but tell each other if her kissed/hooked up with someone else...
Yesterday Steve was telling me he was letting go of me as a girlfriend and all this stuff...he said some other stuff...and I dunno...after I left I felt worse than I had before I saw him..
So last night...I went out with my friend (guy)..I KNOW he likes me...and I sort of like him...kind of a thing like, I would want to pursue something with him, but I'm scared of losing STeve...like losing him FOREVER, even as a friend.
Anyways...me and my friend, I'll just call him C..we were going to go see Gothica...but we were wayyy early..and stupid me, I think it would be good to go drink at my work before hand...well I'm an idiot..because I forgot I had been too depressed to eat ANYTHING since lunch, and lunch was only a couple bites of beans and rice...so I ended up drinking two Audios Motherfuckers on an empty stomach (they were like 80% hard alcohol)
And got Soooo drunk..I couldn't even walk, I had to totally fall all over C to keep me up (this was in the middle of the MALL in front of lots of people too)..so we stumbled to the movie..sat down in the movie for a couple minutes and I realize I am like, totally touching him and he has his hand on my leg and we are cuddling and all this shit...I was more fucked up than I had been in YEARS...Good Lord..so then I'm like "I'm going to VOMIT"..like really loud in the movies, and get up and try to run out of the theater but it's spinning and I fall on some guy on the way out..make it to the bathroom and puke...
SO then we left, no big deal..I was wayy to fucked up to watch the movie..and he had to drive my car to the store to get me water (after more puking in the planters outside, mind you)...but he drove to the store and bought me water and stuff, and was just soo sweet to me..
So then we went back to his house...hung out and smoked some weed and he made me a steak (which helped a lot)..this was where it started getting bad...
He just made me feel so good..and I feel this chemistry with him..I can't explain it but it's something that was never quite there with Steve..not in the same way. So we end up talking and flirting a LOT more than we ever have..I got really physical with him which was probably stupid..but God..his touch is like that butterflies in your gut, fire on your skin, shivering kind of thing...it's been SOOOOOO FUCKING LONG since I have felt that..so we wrestled and cuddled a lot...and talked forever..I just felt so good it was unbelievable..and I know that the only reason I could NOT think of Steve and how hurt he would be, was because I was so drunk..
It ended up with him basically saying this was torture and he wanted to kiss me soo badly..he started coming all close and like kissing/nibbling on my ear and OMG it was torture but in a good way..I told him it was too soon and I was just so damn confused..that I didn't know what I wanted or what was going to happen with Steve, and I didn't want to hurt either of them..
He was trying hard to be good but it was really hard for both of us, because I didn't really want to stop him either..GOD..he ended up kissing my neck and like, almost kissing me...just coming soooooo close and then I would have to stop it. I finally ended up leaving because he had school in the morning and I didn't want to keep him up all night...plus it was just getting too damn hard for the both of us.
So I went home and passed out, and I haven't talked to him since, although I'm sure I'll talk to him sometime in the next couple of days.
He usually comes by my work and talks to me (thats where I met him except he quit and works somewhere else now)
Anyways...apparantly Steve called my house numerous times last night, waking up my parents...freaked out as all hell...he calls me today and wakes me up and asks where the hell I was last night and I tell him, I'm not gonna lie. He tells me I need to decide...that this friendship isn't working out, and I either have to decide to get back together with him, or it's over for GOOD, with NO chance of ever getting back together, and if it's the second choice, he will not be talking to me ever again, and I have to come get my cat.
I can't tell you how sick this made me. I CANNOT MAKE THAT CHOICE! I still love him and he was my best fucking friend in the universe...HE MADE THIS SITUATION, WHY do I have to make a choice like this? I will NOT choose to never see him again, but I cannot get back together right now...he says I wont make the leap of faith for him and I don't believe in him...and I don't know if that is right or not, but I know when I think about getting back together right now, I don't exactly feel excited about it...I don't know how it would work..but I know I love him and when I dream about my future, I still see him there.
Now I feel I am going to hurt and hurt someone else no matter what. I like my friend C a lot, and even though I don't really want to jump into another relationship so fast, the thought of never talking to C again (what would basically have to happen for me to commit to Steve, C and I have waayyy to much chemistry to hang around together-I wouldn't trust myself) makes me very unhappy. I don't want to give up on something that I don't even know where it's going yet...
But OH MY GOD...it hurts so bad...seeing Steve, and thinking about what I lost...and how much I fucking loved him and all I did for him...all of our memories..it hurts..it hurts to the point where I want to get drunk every night just to numb the pain (not good I know)..
SO thats where it stands now...Steve says if I want to be with someone else he will cut me from his heart and never love me again. He also said that he could easily hook up with someone else tonight, to show me how it feels...that there are LOTS of girls who want to...and as much as that would hurt me, I wonder if it would make it easier...then at least I wouldn't have to feel guilty..
I don't want to hurt anymore...I don't want to hurt anyone..not Steve, not C, not ME...I'm so sick of hurting and I don't see any way out of this situation...I'm scared and my heart is fucking breaking...my life is falling apart...
And on top of everything, tomorrow is THANKSGIVING. The 27th. 3 Years since the day Steve and I met. I want to spend that day crying in bed, but NO, I have family coming in from all over that I have to put on a brave face for...Our fucking 27's were always so special to us...God this hurts.

 

[quiet roar]

Babe, what are you doing to yourself?

He is still fucking with your head!

Informing each other about anything you get up to, then saying it's all over, then calling you constantly and abusing you, then giving you an ultimatum - these are all head games! He hasn't stopped manipulating you at all - I even doubt he has slowed the meth usage.

I know it's hard to believe but if this is the end, it will the best thing that has happened to you in the last 3 years. But YOU need to be the one to break it off completely and not have anything to do with him.

If you can't cope with the idea of never seeing him again give it 6 months - but don't see him or talk to him for those six months. And don't be worried about the potential loss because if he does straighten himself up and "see the light" he will understand what he put you through, and will be happy to see you again after 6 months.

I know it is easy to be objective from my position, but I cannot bear to see another person unable to release themselves from destructive relationships.

Good Luck, Be Strong!

 

[treasonatsea]

From everything u've written I think there's one important thing you need to do right now.

Be strong. The poster above got it right i think. Your head is such a mess now, i understand, you can't wrestle with these conflicting feelings and doubts. But if you continue this relationship, there is very little chance that you will work anything out or that the situation will improve. I've been there, and believe me, you need to break it off, completely, and work on you. Work out on existing as an individual and sorting your head out. Only then will you begin to see the answers you're after.

Good luck

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

Thank you....I sort of feel that way too...but GOD I LOVE HIM.
I feel like my heart is shattering and a part of me wants to give
him just "one more chance" because he keeps telling me if
I have a leap of faith for him, it will totally be worth it. But at the
same time, I know that if it doesn't get better, it will only
hurt more in the end.
The other complication is taking my cat. I'm terrified of how
angry my dad is going to get. We already have THREE cats
here and a lot of problems because of them. I love this cat
with all my heart, and cannot let Steve have him. But taking
him home is going to cause a lot of problems..I dunno I guess
I don't have a choice.

 

[flashco]

hey there, situation sounds like bad to worse. life is kinda like that if you let it.

when that happens, i watch the history channel... watching like how President Kennedy dealt with the Cuban missile crisis ( he had to decide whether or not to invade Cuba. we now know that it would have triggered a nuclear war with Russia if we did and we probably wouldn't be here today) puts me in my place. i don't have the lives of the world depending on my choices.

without that feeling of life or death pressure, my thinking clears up a bit and im actually able to make pretty decent decisions. so i guess im suggesting that sometimes, you need to look at someone in a worse situation who made it out ok. then you'll maybe feel better about your situation and then can make a good choice for yourself

i say if he wants to make the ultimate sacrifice for you by taking on the hardest obstacle he has to face (outside help) then he's worth keeping.
you've made so much sacrifice for this relationship already and willing to do so much more to keep it going, you should know your worth keeping ( if not, i'll let you in on a lil secret... your worth keeping ).

i don't think its all on you to make the choice to solve this problem.
you already made yours, now its all up to him.

in the meantime, don't feel like you need to commit to anything... if its good, it will wait for you. give yourself some time, i do believe your on "break" ?

g.l.

 

[Inspector Abberline]

MynameisnotDeja,

You are experiecing probably one of the most painful experiences of human existence: an ending of a relationship.

Forget about the drugs for a minute as I don't think it really has anything to do with the larger picture. The drugs and the lying were the cause, but the end result was you breaking up.

I think you should take a moment of honesty with yourself and realize and say to yourself that it's over. This is not a break. It's done. It is very important that you realize this.

Have you ever cut yourself and had a scab? If you pick at, it takes forever to heal whereas if you leave it alone it's gone a lot faster. I went through a breakup years ago with a girl. L, I dated for two years. My first serious girlfriend. We'd simply grown apart and she had come to the realization that we just weren't the right people for each other. God...what a nightmare that was. In reading your posts, I'm so reminded of the way I thought back then. It was such a mistake to try and remain friends, to think about getting back together. I was contanstly picking this wound in my heart. If you hold these ideas in your head about getting back together...it'll never heal. You should not talk about this, you should not think about this. You should not let friends talk about this with you.

I do not think you should even be friends. It is best to walk away from things like this. My ex and I made an effort, well, she made an effort, to be friends, but being around her...made things worse. God, I wish I had just stayed away. In breakups of serious relationships, out of sight, out of mind is really the best way to go. You have to believe me when I say this.

And.... this will be used against you. Count on it. If he knows that you are pining over him, he will use it. And you will end up more hurt.

A good friend of mine, N, was dating a girl, A, for four years. It came to the point where the relationship wasn't going anywhere and neither was happy, so...he left. Right away, he starts feeling bad about it, but I was able to help him some. He eventually got over it, but A had a hard time. I kept telling him that he should just leave her alone for a while. Not answer her phone calls, not answer her e-mails. I felt slightly dissapointed with N as I felt that any time he caved in a believe that he was making her feel better, he was actually pushing her back into her emotional hole. She would call him up and say things like "I'm just calling to let you know that I'm over you.", then show up drunk off her ass at the bar he worked at. You gotta leave it alone. When we learn new things, our brain forms paths, in a way, between, certain parts, i.e. neural pathways. The more these things are in our life, the more the paths are worn in. It's a lot like walking through the woods. Take the same way every time, and after a while, a smooth path will develop. Right now, you have a path in your brain for this person and taking an occassional walk on it will only keep it there. Leave it alone. Let the weeds grow! The harder right vs. the easier wrong.

You cannot trust your own judgement right now. You are clouded by so many emotions. This is not something that you can think about.

You say that you love him? Really.... do you? Seriously? Why? Answers that you can write down on paper and explain to others are good answers. Answers that start with "I can't explain it" or "You wouldn't understand" or cliche response are not good answers. You ever notice the tendency of people to be elevated, i.e. eulogized eccesively, after their death? The same thing happens in relationships. How many times I must have said, "O God, I loved her so much. Why did L have to go?!!!"

We often confuse the word love with the word care.

Probably the most appropiate place to make this comment. Ending a relationship is very much like quitting a drug. There's a lot of scientific study behind this. You develop a need for the chemicals on the person's skin. A need to hear the sound of their voice. They become a part of your environment. Throw out your couch and I'll bet it'll feel really weird. Throw your your boyfriend that you spent three years with.... They become part of your habits. You think, if only I can get see them for a little bit it'll be ok. If only I can get a little fix, it'll be ok. The harder right vs. the easier wrong. God help you should back in the sack.... You might as well start over after taking that big of a "dose" from a person you are trying to quit.

With lying, it's not only the lying that hurts but the shame of admitting that we were actually deceived. This is a tough one to admit to oneself, but I think it's part of the process.

It's going to hurt bad, and it'll probably hurt for a while. Some days you'll feel great and on top of the world, and then the next you won't. This will go on for a while. Not really much you can do about it except just handle it on a day to day basis.

Hopefully, you have a good base of female friends. I never thought it was a good idea to hang out with member's of the opposite sex after a hard breakup. You kinda have to ween yourself from male attention. And evil men will try to take advantage of you in your state of despair. That's reality.

Hanging out in places where you know there are people there he knows, hanging out with his friends that you know like you.... come on.... Does no good for no one. We've all done it, but we all know it's the wrong thing to do. The harder right vs. the easier wrong. It in these moments where you define your level of womanhood.

As for the drugs... it is not your responsibility to care of this man. You can only do so much then you have to walk away. The harder right vs. the easier wrong. That's all there is to it. If anything, helping him will only likely make it that much harder to get away as you will feel that he "needs" you. He needs to turn to his friends, his family. If he can't/doesn't want to...you have better things to worry about.

Someone else posted "never stay because it hurts to leave". Ingrain that in your brain.

All part of life, my friend, and part of gaining wisdom....

the words I speak are true

 

[Strawberry_lovemuffin]

^ That is probably one of the best posts I've read in SLR.

I can simply say I wholeheartedly agree with everything Inspector Abberline just said. It's well worth a second read, and a third.

And..... ((((((((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))))))))))

If bluelight hasn't given you a sense of the huge world of beautiful hearts out there waiting to know you, appreciate you, and bring different dimensions to your life I dont' know what will We love ya babe. Be strong in this ok.... don't underestimate yourself. You know in your heart what to do, and the more you stick to that convinction, the more everything else will fade away.

Grieve baby, but do not turn back. xo

 

[Mid-Age-Couple]

It's a wellknown fact about drug-users:
No other person can help them if they don't look for help themselfes and truely want to be helped!!

For you:
Make it a clear cut and forget about him as fast as possible!

If you keep hanging around with him, you will go down with him! (Promised!)

 

[WarmRushes]

I feel really bad for you. But I think you should just stay seperated. I understand the pain your feeling but all you can do is breathe it in and let it go. You'll be better off for it.

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

Hanging out in places where you know there are people there he knows, hanging out with his friends that you know like you.... come on.... Does no good for no one. We've all done it, but we all know it's the wrong thing to do. The harder right vs. the easier wrong. It in these moments where you define your level of womanhood.

Thanky ou for your post...I just wanted to reply to this part because it was a little confusing...like, my friend C is MY friend...he and Steve were never friends. ANd I LIKE HIM. I don't want to stop hanging around him because it makes me feel good. And in the town I live in, most places you are going to run into people he knows. Can't really try not to do that. It's a very small place.

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

I came to kind of a realization last night...I love this man with all my heart but I don't know if I am IN love with him anymore...and it's not just because of the lie...things have gone downhill ever since we started doing drugs together a LOONNNNG time ago (I thought those were the only drugs he ever did) and that became the only time we had sex/had fun/did much of anything together...
But loving him...that isn't a problem..it's the sex mostly. Being high on crack was the only time I ever (in the past year or so) was able to feel much sexual pleasure with him. I don't know why, and it makes me feel like such an idiot..he is physically my PERFECT IDEAL. I mean, I should be so turned on by him but I'm just not anymore. He doesn't give me that chemical rushy feeling I get when others have touched me. Maybe it's just a body chemistry thing?
Last night it got worse than ever. We were trying to see if anything would happen...and thats when I realized I just wasn't feeling it in that way anymore..he was kissing me, and it felt SO good..warm, soft, smooth, sweet, loving. The love was there...but when it comes to sexual passion...there wasn't any. And because I am such an idiot, I end up feeling bad for HIM and...well..doing something I probably shouldn't have for him. Thats all I'll say but it was a bad idea. I am a fucking idiot sometimes.
I feel like walking away will be the supidest thing I ever did. And Inspector, what you said about picking a scab is EXACTLY right on. I'm hurting both of us. Every time it ALMOST gets to the point where I am going to walk away, I freak out and cry and hold onto him and tell him I love him and I'm scared and sorry...then we just sit together and nothing gets resolved, nothing changes. It's horrible. It's killing both of us.
I think the thing for me is...I can't do this alone. This can't be ME DUMPING HIM. Then I will hurt and blame myself, and fall into a horrible self hating depression. If he dumped me or we were in this together with this decision, then I know I could move on. But NO. He keeps saying to have some faith in him and PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE give him another chance to prove himself to me. I'm just like, "NOW, you decide you are going to change? NOW, when my heart is already half broken and after THREE years of me trying my hardest for you? NOW???" It's just so messed up. It would have been easier when he was being mean to me. Now it's like, he's saying how he wants to go out dancing with me and have fun (He never would do stuff like that with me all this time)..NOW he wants to go drinkin and party...it's unbelievable. I almost wish he would just treat me like shit for one more day so I could just leave. I know I am not strong enough to walk away now. It is so fucked up.
Believe me...I know you guys are right...about it being manipulation..whether or not he is conciously doing it, it doesn't matter. It's what it is. But it works on me. I am stupid and weak, and yea, he is like a drug to me.
It's just so messed up. I missed my Thanksgiving practically because he called me and we had a horrible conversation right before we were going to sit down to our meal...I was crying and so sick I couldn't eat. I hate to feel so sorry for myself like this, but I really am being physically and emotionally damaged by this situation. I mostly write all this on here just to get it out..I know most of you guys are probably like, "WHY DOESN'T SHE JUST LEAVE ALREADY?" Like it's obvious but it's soooo hard.
Sometimes I wish I was a cold hearted bitch. If I was I would be out partying with C and having the time of my life and not even looking back...but I was cursed with wayyyy to much of a damn heart.
8(