PLEASE help me..I'm so scared..how could he do this? *Update page 4*

[MynameisnotDeja]

Sorry this is so long..I really need support and am very thankful for anyone who reads all this and replies..it's so long because it's a looong story.
Here goes.


I've been with my boyfriend Steve 3 years exactly a week from today.
Well, WOULD have been is more appropriate.
For the past year, things have not been that great between us. There has been a lot of fighting, and he has had a lot of problems that have affected the both of us. There have been periods of time where he has acted almost insane, has emotionally abused me, and has just not made any sense..I should add that he was extremely abused during childhood and his parents are both drug addicts. I have done everything in my power to support him and love him throughout the years we have been together.
I love him with all of my heart, and I TRUSTED him with every part of my soul. I never would have thought he could have lied to me..we were SO close..he is my best friend..the last person I ever would have thought could be untrue to me or tell me lies.
During the past year, with all the ups and downs, some friends have asked me if it is possible he could be doing drugs behind my back. I always said no...Steve and I made a pact a long time ago to share EVERYTHING with each other and only do things together. We promised to talk to the other person first if we were ever in a situation to do drugs or get drunk when the other person wasn't around. I think it's VERY important to have moderation in things, and we both (I thought) felt that sharing the times we did choose to use a drug would help us "keep each other in line" so to speak..
Two days ago (tuesday night) my world shattered..Steve was very cruel to me all night, yelling at me, ripping me apart, telling me to get the fuck away from him one minute, then ten minutes later calling me sobbing, begging me to come back. This bullshit game went on most of the evening..until the last time I came back..I went over there and he looked right at me and told me something that destroyed everything I thought I knew.
He has been doing meth behind my back. FOR TWO FUCKING YEARS.
He has lied to me. Every day. He has lied to my face, dead in my eyes..hundreds of times. He has let me think that other friends of ours were using drugs when it was HIS fucking foil I found..he has made me think I was NUTS when I would walk into the bathroom and see a cloud of tweak smoke and he would say I was hallucinating..He has blamed SO much shit on other people and let me worry and be upset at other friends when it was him...he has walked around and talked SHIT about other people who use meth when he was using meth the whole time.
When he told me this, my heart felt like it was run over like a tractor..I cried harder than I ever had in my life..I cried until I almost threw up..
This person was my everything...someone I trusted to the deepest place in my heart..someone I LOVED and devoted the last three years of my life to..someone I have taken care of, put myself second for, and thought of in every moment..someone I would NEVER, EVER in a million years thought capable of LYING TO ME, even for a second..let alone for 75 FUCKING percent of our three year relationship. I am shattered.
After he told me this he was still so mean to me..I cannot even say the things he said..it makes me too sick.
Since this has happened we have still been around each other..but it drastically changed how I feel about him. I do not know how to continue in this relationship, even though I love him with all of my heart. I cannot trust him now...he shattered that trust.
I have told him I cannot be his girlfriend anymore, but still want to be his friend, and still hope there is SOME way we can work this out..he still wants to hang around me and kiss me and wants me to spend the night and take him to work and pick him up from work..he wants it to be the same but I CAN'T...Thats not WRONG is it? I am not a bad person because I feel it's not the same? I know that is a stupid question, but he MAKES me feel that I am. He acts like I am a bitch because I haven't instantly forgiven him..he says he kept it from me "to not hurt me" and "This isn't his fault because of his childhood and his parents abuse"...but it's not MY fault either...all I did was trust him, and apparantly that was wrong.
Today I had to do something very hard...I told him NO I would not be spending the night tonight..and NO I would not be picking him up from work tonight..he was on his own in that way. It hurt.. I'm crying right now because it hurt so fucking bad..I feel I have not only lost my boyfriend and my best friend..I want to be with my love tonight and have his arms around me while I fall asleep. WHY THE FUCK DID HE HAVE TO FUCK THIS UP?!!!!!!
I don't exactly know what I am asking...advice..kind words, anything to help right now, because I know I am doing the right thing but at the same time, I don't. A part of me wants to call him at work right now and just scream "I forgive you! LOVE ME!" but I can't bring myself to do it..I just don't know how I will ever learn to trust him after this. BUT I LOST MY EVERYTHING!

Thank you for listening..

-Andi

 

[ibizakat]

oh my god sweetie, I am so sorry. That is the worst thing I have ever heard of. Meth is such a destructive drug, it really is. It turns honest people into liars and cheaters. I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but in reality there isn't anything I can say.

One of my good friends was in this same situation a few months ago, on the verge of breaking up with her boyfriend over it. He hadn't been lying about it as long as yours had, but it was long enough to make her feel really betrayed. In this situation I think that the best thing to do is to try to get him help. As far as I know her boyfriend is 100% clean now. Meth is such a horrible, addictive drug, and it makes people not behave like themselves. Help him get treatment, and give him another chance if you can find it within your heart. He's got a serious problem, and he may need your help to beat it. *hugs* I hope things get better for you, sweetie, you deserve it.

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

*Hugz* Thank you Ibiza..
As far as the getting him help thing..
When he first told me, I barely spoke the words
"Narcotics anonymous-"
And got my head ripped off..
he said NEVER. That this was HIS life and he would handle HIS life by himself.
I didn't bother pushing the issue, I know it wont change anything.
I don't know how to help him..
I have never met anyone in my life that was more abused as
a child than this person...I mean I wont go into details but
abused in every form if you hear what I am saying...not to mention
they were neglegent drug (meth-BIG SUPRISE) addicts on top of that.
I feel so bad for him..
But I cannot be his therapist..and I have brought up therapy many
times with the same response. HELL NO. NOT EVER.
I have been trying to be his friend, to spend time
with him, to forgive...but every time it gets close
to romantic, touching, sexual, I pull away. I let him
touch me yesterday..and felt GUILT about it..I only
did it because I was so damn lonely and missed him so much.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should walk away
for my own life and my own protection (he gets VERY
manipulative and emotionally abusive-he is one of those
people that can talk to you in this way and make it seem
like everything is somehow on YOU)..I don't know if I should
do what I am doing now (spending time with him as a friend
and trying to help) I don't know if I should suck it up
and try to get back together with him...because I dont
know if this friend thing is going to work for long..
But the thought of losing him all the way (I already
feel like I lost who I thought he was)...God it is just to
painful to even think about. I don't know what to do
or where to turn for help.

 

[alasdairm]

hi

first things first - i feel for you. you are not a bad person.

my group of friends has been through something of a drugspocalypse over the past three or four years and the problems associated with drug use and abuse have manifested themselves in some very strange ways.

i am not defending your boyfriend's actions. bottom line, people have to accept responsibility for their own actions, drugs or no drugs.

my opinion of meth is hardly relevant here but i'll give it to you anyway - it's a powerful drug which can significantly alter the way people behave. it can make them say and do things which they would never in their right mind say or do.

i have this theory about (other people's) relationships which i call the iceberg theory. no matter how well people think they understand another relationship ("they look so happy together", "i can't understand why they're together", etc,) the outside world only sees the 10% of the iceberg which is above the water. the other 90% can be a world of pain and misery or a world of infinite wonder and love.

given that, the only advice i can give you in good conscience is to look deep inside yourself and establish truly how you feel about this and how you want to deal with it.

consider this hokey equation:

methboyfriend - meth = boyfriend

can you see a way to remove the meth from this situation and get your boyfriend back (for want of a better phrase)?

no matter how bad things seem, if you are true to yourself things will be fine.

((hug))

i posted my message then read this:

I don't know if I should walk away for my own life and my own protection (he gets VERY manipulative and emotionally abusive-he is one of those people that can talk to you in this way and make it seem like everything is somehow on YOU)..I don't know if I should do what I am doing now (spending time with him as a friend and trying to help)

how would you feel about putting some space between the two of you to give yourself some perspective and, hopefully, to give him the chance to see how badly he's treating you?

alasdair

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

*Hugz* Thank you...
He says he has quit...but for me this is an issue of trust..
I don't know how I would KNOW he has stopped when
he lied to me for so long..how would I ever know that he
was lying? He looked me right in my eyes and lied and I
believed, with every inch of me...I don't know how to trust
now.
If only he would just get treatment. Treatment for his
abuse, threatment for the drugs..GOD WHY IS HE SO
STUBBORN! I know he needs help, but he yells at
me when I even suggest it. I don't know what else to
do but try and get him help and he refuses..

EDIT- To the other thing you said...that is what I am trying
to do now..but he says basically if I can't be there in full then
he is done with me..I wanted to take a break and see
how things work out but he keeps just being like "don't call
me again ever then"... *Sigh*

 

[MOS]

Hugs

I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

However, you need to walk away. He has spent the majority of your relationship lying to you, and a third of it treating you like garbage. You don't deserve that.

You have also said he's manipulative. To me,

meth+boyfriend+manipulative= neverending cycle of pain

Think of what you've been through. Think of what you will have to go through to get this worked out. Then ask yourself - is the one year that things were wonderful ever going to come back? Will the relationship ever recover?

You need to think of yourself now. As far as I am concerned, this person has failed you. You should try to move on.

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

Thank you. Ironically, what you said about the first year..
during that time I was very sick with depression,a bad skin disease
and struggling with a bad pot habit that I was too young
and stupid to get a grasp on. During this time, I was extremely
hard on him. I was clingy, horrible to be around, and
even somewhat manipulative myself.
Once I got better of course, all this changed.
But he stayed with me, and he throws that back in my face now.

I also wanted to add that the first day he told me
when I brought up the idea of taking a break
from being together he told me he was "going home"
and taking the cats (that I fucking LOVE) with him.
BTW "going home" means committing suicide.
I believe that he meant it..I had to cry at his
feet, scream and BEG him not to do it.
I can't describe how that hurt.



I believe this person has a good heart inside...but
he is more messed up than I have ANY clue how to
help. GOD If only he wasn't so stubborn, I would
totally go with him to meetings and stuff if that
was what he needed...but no.

 

[tathra]

*hugs*

you are not a bad person and this is in no way your fault, so dont let him make you feel as if it is or make you feel guilty (in any way).

honestly if i were you i would do my best to forget about him and move on. he's been lying to you for not just part of your relationship, but for 2 out of 3 years straight. there is no possible way you can trust him. sure, he'll say he quit just to get you back, but you cant know for sure; my bet would be that he'll just be more careful in hiding his addiction from you.

i wish i could say something to make you feel better, but i have no comforting words in this situation, all i can offer is my sympathy and virtual hugs and hope that you come through this ok and hope that such a thing doesnt happen again

 

[MoFo_S]

As long as he is using the drugs will always come before you.
The drugs will come before everything. This is the nature of drug addiction.

He will lie, cheat, steal, whatever it takes. Later he may promise you "Never again, never again" but he will always go back out, no matter how sincere his promises. Get him to a meeting. It's the only way I know that works.

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

How can I get him to a meeting? Give him an ultimatum?
Say he has to get help or I am gone?

I just wanted to say that he made the choice to FINALLY tell
me the truth because he is ready to stop and he wants my
help. I only say that because it was HIS choice and it's not
like I walked in on him hittin it or something.

It's hard because it was SUCH a long time...I keep going
back through the memories and realizing times he lied to
my face..So many times.

I am trying my best to be strong and do what I need
right now..I know I need some space to process this..
that is all I know right now. I love him with all of
my heart and don't know how to just walk away,
ya know? I don't want to abandon him in his lowest
hour but I don't know how to help either..

The only help I have been able to offer is help
healing his physical body and his brain..I was
going to take him shopping when he gets paid
and show him all the supplements and vitamins
and healthy foods he should eat to help
heal the brain damage..but I dunno..I am not
someone who can stop addiction. I am truly
scared he might die or something.

 

[new_piller]

i feel for u dude.....

that sucks big time....

my own opinion is that if someone had been lying to me for 2 years, they'd never hear my voice again....

but im very black and white on things like this, and let my brain make the decisions not my heart!!

most people cant do that, and let there heart get in the way!!

good luck on wateva u do!!

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

My heart definately is the ruler...

 

[Strawberry_lovemuffin]

very long!

Wow... I'm stunned and speechless. I feel for you so much. I know what it's like; it's not the THING they've done so much as the lying. It's the fact the person you knew - or thought you knew - was all a lie. It makes you question everything you ever believed about them, and how they felt about you, because in the midst of this shock, everything seems like it could have been a lie. Your world, your reality, is shattered.

How do I know all this? Because I've been through it. Not with meth, but with money and affairs.

Mine was a four-year relationship and I loved him and trusted him with all my heart and soul. He was a school teacher, a respected community member, a DAD, someone who constantly called me his 'princess' and said he'd 'die for me'... ie. not someone I'd ever... *EVER* have thought capable of what he did. I would have put my life in his hands I trusted him that much.

One day I got a credit card statement and instead of throwing it in the bin as usual I actually looked at it - my limit was almost maxed out. It was $7000. Last time I had checked (admittedly a few months prior) it was only around $3000. I called the bank, in shock, thinking it was some kind of mistake. They told me no, you've taken cash withdrawals of this amount and that amount - amounts of $300 or $400 at a time over a few months.

I'm like - NO i DIDN'T! Bullshit! It must be a computer error. So they launched an investigation. Has anyone else got access to your card? They said. Well, only my boyfriend, I told them, but it's not him. I even rang him and asked - even though I felt silly doing so - but he said no he had no idea what had happened, and I apologised for even asking.

Anyway long story short; the bank rang a few weeks later. They'd checked their video surveillance tapes and it was indeed Don. He was caught on tape - I had to see the tapes with my own eyes to believe it. Here was my loving, darling boyfriend, STEALING money from me. The worst part of it was, I was unemployed at the time and HE had a job!!

I went through the same sort of spin cycle of emotions as you're going through now. First it was ANGER... just uncontrollable, seething rage. I yelled and I screamed and I swore, I called him names I didn't even know I had in my vocabulary.

Then I ignored him. I completely blank walled him - wouldn't answer his calls, locked myself away, curled up in my grief all alone. I had to let it sink in. It wasn't the money, you see - it was the BETRAYAL. How could he have done this to me? I mean how? HOW? What makes a person think - oh, I might just pinch my girlfriend's money and leave her in debt? Did he think he wouldn't get caught?

Anyway, slowly... slowly... I started to calm down then I just wanted answers. I had to know the answers. This started a lot of talks and such, which did help - I admit. He promised me the moon and the stars... he said he'd get help, he said he'd change, he was seeing a psychiatrist and going on medication (he blamed his bipolar disorder).

So I took him back. I managed to (somehow) put it behind me as "just the money incident". His sister paid me the money, although to this day I'm still paying off the interest from the withdrawals. Things were peaceful again.

Then, six months later, the big bomb hit. If the money incident was a firecreacker, this was Hiroshima.

I found out he'd been seeing another woman for 3 years of our 4 year relationship. I won't go into details about how I confirmed this, but to my absolute disbelief it was true. Not only that, this woman believed she was my boyfriend's steady girlfriend - that I was simply a flatmate. This whole elaborate charade just unravelled before my eyes and all of a sudden I could see things crystal clear.

That time I had no need to find out why. I had one phone conversation in which I told him he was sick, and pathetic, and I would never, ever speak to him again, and I never did.

I didn't stop loving him immediately of course, but my self-preservation instinct kicked in big time. This man obviously had a screw loose in his morality somewhere, and I just wish I'd sensed it sooner.

This experience as you can imagine has made me somewhat hypersensitive to stories like yours, Deja... which is why I wanted to tell you the whole thing first. Because if I gave you an answer like "get out now as fast as you can" you wouldn't have any background as to why.

Having said that; your man's problem's may NOT be the same as my ex's. Drugs are a different animal after all. But a compulsive liar is a compulsive liar... and your trust is shattered in him now. How on earth do you pick up the pieces from here? I wish I could tell you. After I found out about the affair I spent literally days sobbing in my office; driving around aimlessly, babbling nonsense. I think I may have gone a little mad, literally. Finally I made an appointment with a grief councellor - and it was the thing that saved my sanity. A relationship ending is like a death, and she was so gentle and helped me through it, very very slowly building up my confidence in myself again.

Another thing that helped was writing. I wrote a 6 page letter to my ex, spewing forth every hateful thing that was in my soul to him; and afterwards I felt purged. I never sent it. It didn't matter, at least it was on paper, not festering inside of me anymore.

Those are the only two things I would suggest if you decide this relationship is over. That and allow heaps of time.

I hope this has helped somewhat. I know all your emotions right now, it's a very very tough time my darling. Please be strong.

((((((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))))))) SLM. x

ps. Side-note: My ex threatened to commit suicide many, many times too. At first this always had the desired affect; then I stopped caring. It's just a manipulation tool, like all the others. If he does it, he does it - it won't be your fault. There is nothing you could ever, ever do.

 

[Siany]

I am SO sorry for what you are going through at the moment.. reading your post really made me feel for you.

IMO I think you should walk away now. This man who you've been with for 3 years has been LIEING to you for 2 of those years! I have seen people majorly fck up their lives with meth, as i'm sure many people on these forums have. You deserved to be told the truth long ago and he didn't have the decency to tell you, I can't comprehend how someone could do this.

If he has been using for 2 years it is not going to be easy at all for him to stop without professional help. And he is refusing to get this.. refusing to even think about it... even though his partner of three years is begging him to?? To me that seems VERY inconsiderate of your feelings. He doesn't seem to be thinking about how you feel ONE LITTLE BIT. After lieing to you and deceiving you for 2 years, you'd think he'd go to Narcotics Annonymous simply to please YOU.. what harm could it do? But he's not willing to do this. He's not willing to try and please you. This makes me angry just thinking about it and I don't even know you or him.

I believe you should walk away, although I know that is easier said than done and when in the situation yourself, everything is not so black and white. He is emotionally abusing you BADLY... he is basically blackmailing you into staying with him.. "If you don't stay with me, i'll kill myself"... I know it must be very hard to leave when he says things like this but you have to think about YOURSELF. You deserve better than this.

In regards to his childhood... this is obviously another area which he needs professional help in. It seems that you already realise this, but i'll say it anyway... YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO GIVE HIM THE HELP HE NEEDS... He NEEDS professional help. I don't see how anything can change without this.

You deserve to be treated with respect
You deserve to be respected
You don't deserve to be lied to
You don't deserve to be emotionally blackmailed
You deserve to be with someone who is considerate of you
You deserve to be with someone who will go out of their way for you
You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy

If I were you, I would give him an ultimatum if you don't believe you can shut him out from your life: Get professional help or I don't want to know you anymore. And stick to your guns if you do give him this ultimatum.

I believe that if he really loves you then he'll do this. If not, then that is definitely his loss.

Good luck and I really hope you find a way to bring yourself up from this mess.

~Siany~

 

[ibizakat]

You know, after reading your other responses and what other people have said, I take back what I said earlier. Don't try to help him, WALK AWAY. Leave him. Cut him out of your life entirely. It won't be easy at all, and I wish I could be there for you, because you really need a friend right now, but this is not a healthy situation for you at all and you have done nothing to deserve it. Cut him out of your life entirely and tell him that he can call you if and when he has completely kicked his meth habit and is ready to stop lying to you. Don't count on that happening though, and if it does, be wary of just taking him back. You need to watch out for YOU, not some lying drug-addict whom you call a "boyfriend." He doesn't treat you with respect. You don't have to put up with that. Say goodbye.
*hugs*

 

[ibizakat]

Oh and one more thing - anyone who threatens suicide to get someone to stay with them, or for any reason other than they really think they might end their life, deserves to be shot. That's the worst form of emotional abuse (i've been there) and no one should have to take it.

 

[MOS]

Oh and one more thing - anyone who threatens suicide to get someone to stay with them, or for any reason other than they really think they might end their life, deserves to be shot.

My dad pulled this with my mum all the time - she finally said "Do you want me to help you??!!!"



He's still alive, btw....

 

[alasdairm]

hi again

there's a lot of good advice in this thread. it's early but i hope it's helping you towards the answer you are looking for.

it's easy for me to sit back here, from behind the safety of a (somewhat) anonymous internet persona and suggest what you should and should not do, but the more i read what you're writing, the more i feel i agree with some of the other posters that this is extremely unhealthy and you need to consider walking away from this. maybe not forever but certainly for now.

it's crystal clear that you care and you are trying real hard to help this guy. can i throw a cliche at you? you can't help somebody who doesn't want to help themselves.

namaste

alasdair

 

[USEmeABUSEme]

anders, i know i havent been around much but i just wanted to remind you that im still here, i luv ya my deja girl and hopefully i'll be home sometime soon so i can be there for you as much as i can!!!
love you "sis"

 

[Infinite Jest]

Andi, you're too good a person to be going through this. To me, it's not what he did, it's that he lied about it. Also, some other posts of yours have suggested that you're not too happy in the relationship, even before this.

That said, maybe you should get out of the situation?

((((((hugs))))))