Please help me ( addiction creeping in again )

[F1n1shed]

I'm sorry i don't usually post in this section, or even on this site really for that matter anymore. But i need help, i have been doing meth and heroin mixed for the last 3 months or so. I definitely have the disease of addiction, thing is i have been somewhat controlling it. I got out of a long term rehab and picked up again.
Some how , some way i was able to control my usage and only use fri - sundays with a few cheat days here and there and still be able to keep my job.

But this is where i need help. My job is about to move soon, 7 days or so and then i am jobless. This job is what was helping me stay sober during the weekdays! Because i knew i couldn't work a job with a full on addiction and dealing with withdrawals. Now only that but this past weekend i visited my parents and was using the whole week end. They noticed something different with me, they noticed i was coughing again at night ( heroin ) and i had a horrible crash comedown on Monday. I slept many hours during the day since i couldn't sleep at night and my dad wanted me to get tested. ( i talked my way out of it though)

The highs are not as great anymore and the comedowns are getting worse. My body is starting to feel the toll of the drugs more. I do NOT want a full on addiction again, i have dealt with drugs for many many years and i was stupid enough to pick up again. I want off, i know i say this now but when th week end comes by again i know the disease will start talking and i will want more. So frustrated, please insight

 

[herbavore]

I am so sorry to hear that you are back in the grips of these two drugs. You probably aren't going to like what I am going to say but I think you need to come clean and ask for support not only here but IRL, too--your family, the rehab you were in, groups--whatever it takes to tackle this out front and center. Addiction makes you feel so alone--just like every other deep pain in life. Your family knows so why not ask for their help? Will they give it?

You are at a crossroads and you followed tyour best instincts to make this post--to be honest with yourself and to reach out for support. Keep doing that every way you can. You will want more on the weekend and next week so start setting up the support you need to not cave in to those wants--you know you don't want to go where this is leading. Really wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug.

 

[F1n1shed]

Thanks herbavore, how ever i cannot tell my parents. They had their suspicions but were still not certain. They invested so much in me for this rehab , time and money. I did my best these past few months to keep it a big secret from many people and i did pretty damn well. If it gets real out of control i will tell them of course, but it is still somewhat manageable. I'm going to try my BEST to visit family again this week end, and not use. That way they will see me have energy again and will maybe thing they misjudged. Let's see what happens

 

[ExInMil]

The only thing to do is keep total intellectual honesty.

Meaning, when the urge comes, you are going to rationalize it, that is inevitable. But then, you must realize that you are rationalizing it and decide if this is what you are going to do.

Thats what helps me anyway.

 

[Girlfriend75]

Hi there, I'm new here but I do have a lot of experience with using, recovery, and relapse. I'm sorry you are feeling so frustrated. I saw in your post that you mention the disease of addiction and rehab. This makes me think you have some experience with NA. I do and I was on a progression of relapse for the past 3 years that happened slowly, then suddenly. Once I found my DOC, I was bottoming out and using against my will in less than a month. This past weekend I was using so much at home alone that some part of me realized I would likely OD if I didn't reach out. For me, it was alcohol, large amounts of cocaine (DOC), crack, heroine, and handfuls of Tramadol and Xanax. When I realized I couldn't stop myself, I called the NA helpline and it was my first step in reaching out. It definitely helped. Like you, I had no desire to tell my family whatsoever but I did it anyway just because I knew I needed the accountability. I apparently have a problem being accountable to myself.
I've been ok for a couple of days now. I woke up today feeling like I must have Jekyll/Hyde syndrome. Also like you, my job keeps me in line and I had to go back to work today after the holiday weekend and a day off yesterday. I felt like a different person waking up knowing I had to go to work. I was thinking, 'what have I done?!' and feeling a lot of shame and embarrassment. I'm getting past it, though. I'm an addict too and this is the struggle, I suppose. It could have been worse, I'm still alive.
For me, living in Miami and having been in recovery for some years has given me a large support group. NA is very strong here with meetings everywhere. I've decided that I'm going to try to live my life on a recovery schedule (meetings, hanging out with friends and doing positive things, etc) rather than on my work schedule. I have lots of time off with my job which has allowed the Jekyll/Hyde thing to develop like it has. I'm one person when I'm working and another when I'm not, it seems. I can't keep that up because I'm going to end up dead if I do. Do you maybe have something positive in mind that you could use to ground yourself that is more stable than that job? Even if just during the week, that might help. This might sound lame, but what about volunteering for some cause you care about a few days a week where people depend on you to be there? Idk, just brainstorming...and writing this to help myself, too.
Good luck & I hope to read you are feeling better soon.