Hi there
I would appreciate any form of help whatsoever....if you dont wish to reply then dont worry.
Much of our personal woes come from peer-comparative analyses, whereby we look at our friends and see, "Oh, he has a wife, kids, a house" and "Look how happy they are" or "He is clean, has no addiction, never has and somehow doesn't suffer anxiety or need anything to survive the day". This is of course fruitless, but nonetheless common as anything. It leads to not only self-doubt and self-deprecation but real self-loathing and identity issues.
I had a pretty fucked upbringing and found drugs at an early age. It's the same old story - they cured my lifelong anxiety and depression that plagued me since the day I was born. Don't get me wrong, deep down I know I am actually a rather happy person.....I just suffer from over-analysis and anxiety. But let me fast forward to today....I finally have a flat but I feel so fucking trapped. The drudgery of waking up alone in my shitty tiny flat, going to a job where I get all kinds of stress, injuring myself daily and aging 10 years every day, fucking up my back and hip then back home where I'm too tired to do anything but sit alone and stare at a screen. I am aware that this is what people claim "real life" is but this is not for me. I would sooner die than spend 5 more years doing this.
I've attempted suicide before and i'm scared that if I stay here and fall further in then the feelings will come back....that or I develop full-blown addiction again. I've come pretty damn far and don't want to lose that....now I feel it's time to help myself, and reward myself with what i've always wanted to do. Is that selfish? It feels selfish?
I was supposed to meet my dad this week. Haven't seen him in 15+ years, but I couldn't face it and fucking chickened out. I feel pretty pathetic tbh, and he will be angry. Ugh....He shouldn't have been such a psychopath and then fucked off. I often wonder how much more stable I'd be if I had a more "normal" upbringing, or if he stayed, or wasn't who he was, you know? Sorry for the rambling. But I see my friends who had stable upbringings and how different and settled they are...I certainly don't want the whole facade of mortgage and kids etc etc but stability with regards to fulfilling the dreams I've always longed for would be nice.
All I want to do is travel. It's the only thing I want to do. I just don't know how to get there.....I've heard of and looked into WWOOFing but with having a flat and one parent (who has absolutely no money), I cant really afford to save up much at all. I know I'd work incredibly hard and do a good job, it's just having a contact or somewhere to stay/something to do/a job really. Any advice? I can't take this anymore.
Living here reminds me of all the trauma, and whilst I know I can't simply move away from it and magically escape and cure it, I do want to fulfill my lifelong dream of traveling. Can anybody give me any tips on how to travel, do things, see the world, on a less-than-shoestring budget?
Sorry if this is the wrong sub-forum. I just feel the two ideologies (traveling and lifestyle-based depression) tie in somewhat. I think it probably isnt the right place though..MY depression is coming back like a fucking steamtrain and living in Scotland with winter coming and the S.A.D is pretty terrifying. I always get incredibly suicidal during winter....ugh...
Apologies also if this is a rambling post....
Thanks for any response.
I would appreciate any form of help whatsoever....if you dont wish to reply then dont worry.
Much of our personal woes come from peer-comparative analyses, whereby we look at our friends and see, "Oh, he has a wife, kids, a house" and "Look how happy they are" or "He is clean, has no addiction, never has and somehow doesn't suffer anxiety or need anything to survive the day". This is of course fruitless, but nonetheless common as anything. It leads to not only self-doubt and self-deprecation but real self-loathing and identity issues.
I had a pretty fucked upbringing and found drugs at an early age. It's the same old story - they cured my lifelong anxiety and depression that plagued me since the day I was born. Don't get me wrong, deep down I know I am actually a rather happy person.....I just suffer from over-analysis and anxiety. But let me fast forward to today....I finally have a flat but I feel so fucking trapped. The drudgery of waking up alone in my shitty tiny flat, going to a job where I get all kinds of stress, injuring myself daily and aging 10 years every day, fucking up my back and hip then back home where I'm too tired to do anything but sit alone and stare at a screen. I am aware that this is what people claim "real life" is but this is not for me. I would sooner die than spend 5 more years doing this.
I've attempted suicide before and i'm scared that if I stay here and fall further in then the feelings will come back....that or I develop full-blown addiction again. I've come pretty damn far and don't want to lose that....now I feel it's time to help myself, and reward myself with what i've always wanted to do. Is that selfish? It feels selfish?
I was supposed to meet my dad this week. Haven't seen him in 15+ years, but I couldn't face it and fucking chickened out. I feel pretty pathetic tbh, and he will be angry. Ugh....He shouldn't have been such a psychopath and then fucked off. I often wonder how much more stable I'd be if I had a more "normal" upbringing, or if he stayed, or wasn't who he was, you know? Sorry for the rambling. But I see my friends who had stable upbringings and how different and settled they are...I certainly don't want the whole facade of mortgage and kids etc etc but stability with regards to fulfilling the dreams I've always longed for would be nice.
All I want to do is travel. It's the only thing I want to do. I just don't know how to get there.....I've heard of and looked into WWOOFing but with having a flat and one parent (who has absolutely no money), I cant really afford to save up much at all. I know I'd work incredibly hard and do a good job, it's just having a contact or somewhere to stay/something to do/a job really. Any advice? I can't take this anymore.
Living here reminds me of all the trauma, and whilst I know I can't simply move away from it and magically escape and cure it, I do want to fulfill my lifelong dream of traveling. Can anybody give me any tips on how to travel, do things, see the world, on a less-than-shoestring budget?
Sorry if this is the wrong sub-forum. I just feel the two ideologies (traveling and lifestyle-based depression) tie in somewhat. I think it probably isnt the right place though..MY depression is coming back like a fucking steamtrain and living in Scotland with winter coming and the S.A.D is pretty terrifying. I always get incredibly suicidal during winter....ugh...
Apologies also if this is a rambling post....
Thanks for any response.
