Please feel free to ignore (I'm usually just a lurker)

[julesy]

I hope it's ok to post here. I've only ever posted a few times at all on BL but need to just get this out, somewhere. I can't really talk to friends about it because I've tried and they just don't get it though they mean well.

I am just so tired of my life right now. I'm in constant pain from a rare tumor that's destroying the bones in my foot, and is also affecting my other joints cause it throws everytjing out of wack (dealing with a torn hip tendon and labral tear also). I'm on dilaudid and sulendac for pain but it doesn't help. The only reason I even get that is due to my oncologist. The PM dr doesn't even want me on narcotics as she only likes to give them to end-stage cancer patients or the elderly. I guess if you're not dying or very old you don't feel pain, in her world. I have tried other painbrelief, like tramadol, which didn't work, and neurontin and lyrica, which I'm allergic to. She offeted me an anti-depresdant which I turned down.

In addition to that tumor, I have hyperparathyroidism which causes a lot of symptoms - debilitating fatigue, nausra and vomiting, insomnia, body aches ... It goes on and on. And I had to fight to get that diagnosed as for the lomgest time I wss just, agan offered anti-depressants.

I haven't been able to work in months and recently found out they're filling my position. I'm a secretaty and really like the group I support. They're going to make me a floater since even when I do return to work I have so many dr appointments all the time that it's 'disruptive' and I am not physically able to run around much. This really depresses me and makes me fear I'm going to have trouble finding future employment should I move or just want to change jobs.

I'm so broke. I've been on 1/2 pay for months and months, plus with the addition of average 2 to 3 dr appts a week, and I was stupidly taking a lotvof cabs rather than the subway instead of saving mybmoney since it hurts so much to walk much and I didn't think I'd be out from work this long.

I'm also on chemo and my hsir is turning white from that although thankfully hasn't fallen out yet. I'm just so very tiref. Everything is an effort even just basic hygiene, and I know how stupid that sounds. I've been 'pushing through' fatigue for years and it's got to a point whete I just can't. And I'm so tired of being in pain but it looks like pain is now a part of my life. I know how whiney that sounds which is why I'm posting somewhete no one knows me but sometimes I feel like I just can't go on. I have an appt with a surgeon re my parathyroid issue amd I just pray after surgery I'll at least have energy again. If it doesn't I don't know what I'll do. What's the point of a life that is nothing but misery?

 

[DooMMooD]

Dude sometimes I wonder if i have a thyroid problem too. It runs in my family (grandparents, mother, etc) but I've never asked to be tested specially for it. I never have energy, I ache all the time, I'm tired ALL THE TIME. I dunno...maybe it is just depression or bipolar for me. But I have seen many people have to deal with it. There are medications available that help a lot

Just know your not alone and that shit might seem sucky but it truly is all about how you look at it. Reframing helps. Reframe it maybe to say that well at least youre someone who they KNOW whats wrong with, and its being treated. Some people suffer what you suffer, never find out about it, and die. This reframing "trick" does not work for everyone. It's just one tool to break through the mental shroud that you need to get out of.

It does not help to compare EVERYTHING about your life to other people, but sometimes it can do the trick. And its past that though: reframing is more than just "Oh people in africa have it worse than me". Its about looking at something in a totally unique and new light.

Be well.

 

[RobotRipping]

sorry to hear; wish i had some advice for you but i have no experience with what you're going through really. Good luck and hope the future is bright.

there is no point to a life of misery, but it doesn't have to be that way.

 

[julesy]

Thanks. I actually kind if do that when I see people at Sloan Kettering who are dying. I feel so bad for them and it sortbof forces me to realize hey, at least that's not me.

I realized today that what's really depressing me is not the being sick and ferling awful - although it's bad - it's that I really have no suppory. My friends lnow how bad things are. They just don't seem to care. I have 3 dogs that need a lot of exercise and have basicalky begged people to help me walk them and people eitjer ignore it or say they want to help and disappear. And I've bern a goid friend, helpef people move, took cate of their pets while on vacation, took care of them and ran errands when they were sick. So it makes me really sad.

I will say if you are suffering fatigie get it checked out. What I have involves the parathyroid gland (not thyroid) and one of the signs is elevated blood calcium. Look at your bloodwork. A lot of drs don't know about this disease and the only cure is surgery. If you notice blood calcium over 10.1 on a few tests go to someonevwho knows what theyre doing. Eventually it will kill you and in the meantime make you miserable.

 

[mrflowers00]

that sucks i'm glad your oncologist is helping you with the pain though

 

[herbavore]

I realized today that what's really depressing me is not the being sick and ferling awful - although it's bad - it's that I really have no suppory. My friends lnow how bad things are. They just don't seem to care. I have 3 dogs that need a lot of exercise and have basicalky begged people to help me walk them and people eitjer ignore it or say they want to help and disappear. And I've bern a goid friend, helpef people move, took cate of their pets while on vacation, took care of them and ran errands when they were sick. So it makes me really sad.

It seems such an easy thing to do (walk the dogs). I can see why that makes you sad. People can be uncomfortable around illness but if they could just see how the relatively small things like walking a pet can help so much. I'm really sorry you don't have that support.

 

[parachuteantics]

I am sorry to hear about your health problems, I guess I am lucky in that respect.

It sounds like you need a support system and new friends. Do you have any family, if not in the area to help you, to even just talk to? Is there anything you can do that can help you meet people that could be possible new true friends or people in your situation? Maybe if a psychologist can give you some new perscpectives (although I have not had much help with that personally). Maybe tell your doctor everything: how delibating it is to get to work/appointments, how your doctors appointments effect your work schedule and pay. Some doctors can lend an ear and give you some insight.

I don't have much advice but I think things will work out for the best, be patient, stay positive and maybe pick up a new hobby that you can focus your frustration on. Best of luck!