Please critique if you have the time

[Partycries]

I write alot of poetry but I never know if I am any good. Al of my friends seem to tell me what I want to hear. So if you can find the time.. Take a peek and lemme know.

-PartY

They question his means and his motives,
Never realizing it’s all a subconscious quota.
Verbally or physically abusing himself,
Or maybe causing pain to someone else.
Punishment for a life he did not choose.
When you’ve got nothing, what else is there to lose?
The more he does it the stronger the pain,
Slashing his heart, numbing his brain.
They think maybe it’s a cry for help,
But if that’s true, why is it that he doesn’t let anyone
get close to his true self?
Looking ahead it seems rather bleak,
Whats the point of living through next week?
A few precious moments make it worthwhile,
A few precious people can cause him to smile.
But these precious people can be gone in an instant.
And when they are gone.. he will be hell bent.
Maybe he will be able to keep it under control,
Maybe he’ll manage to crawl into a hole.
None of it would happen if he had what he desired,
All of this anger makes him so tired.
His greatest fear, and to this I can a tone.
Is to have no one to love, to be all alone..05/27/03 partycries

 

[Raz]

Honestly? I think you've got a really good way with words, and you can definitely present ideas in a stimulating way...I was motivated to read the whole thing, so that's always a good thing. :D

But as a suggestion, maybe don't work within the confines of rhyme? I think the style that you've used here would flow and come across much better if you had the freedom to write what you're feeling without having to find words that rhyme every line.

Just my opinion

--Raz--

 

[MandyInTheMiddle]

Hello, first off I want to say that I think your piece was very well done now on to my critique.

All through the piece you keep the audience's attention by painting a vivid mental picture that eventually comes together to form an imaginative character most people can relate to. This is very good.

Raz previously mentioned the confines of rhyme and I completely agree. Without those restrictions your free to create with words exactly what you want your piece to say to the reader. Although you deliver the message quite well,I still feel as if there was more that could have been said or presented in a different way to create more of an effect for the reader. Some of the best pieces ever written don't rhyme.

On to the moving lines or attention lines you have two in your piece that are amazing and actually had me in suspense moving on to the next line.

"Punishment for a life he did not choose" line 5
- That line makes the reader want to know what happened in this characters life that has created the presented attitude and keeps us reading.

"Whats the point of living through next week?"
- This line actually gave me chills and redirected me to find out what were his reasons for living if any.

You follow with his reasons for living and the plot begins to come together this character is attention starved.
The closing tells the reader that love is what the character has been longing for all through the piece.

The last paragraph in my opinion leaves the reader reliving all the times he or she may have been faced with this very same situation and wondering whether or not they gave what was needed but not expressed.

This is a great piece and from what I've read you are an excellent writer and I love the suspense.

Just my opinion.

Mandy

 

[bisKi]

i like it loads - your words defines almost how everyone feels at a point in their lives (or constantly), the questions they've asked themselves when going through the notions of an emotional roller coaster ride - in this line more significantly::

Looking ahead it seems rather bleak,
Whats the point of living through next week?

I like this part especially :-

A few precious moments make it worthwhile,
A few precious people can cause him to smile.

Although not many can deny they never feared this ~ His greatest fear, and to this I can a tone.
Is to have no one to love, to be all alone

Nice work Partycries