Please Criticize, I never write Poetry

[Hammet]

Welcome, have you come to partake in the Ritual?

You will know when there is nothing behind you; stop
Come in and take a look around.
Open your eye and mind to what is really going on...
Everything is alive and vibrant now, not like before so dull and grey
You sit back and watch your clock stop with a grin
Feelings
Emotion
Though
The Wetness
Music
Adrenalin
Childhood
Loved ones
Horror
Death

Twisting, Binding, Propelling, Morphing, Shifting, Changing...
Color, Light, Shadows, Energy, It

Enlightenment
Rebirth
Sorrow
Love
Humor
Open your true eyes now and get back to reality

Remembering
Talking
Friendship
Sleep




Please criticize, I want to increase my poetry skills... not sure why. This poem is what I got from a mushroom trip.

 

[(Wordy)]

I can definitely see how you got this from a mushroom trip.

I think your opening is really strong:

Welcome, have you come to partake in the Ritual?

You will know when there is nothing behind you; stop
Come in and take a look around.
Open your eye and mind to what is really going on...
Everything is alive and vibrant now, not like before so dull and grey
You sit back and watch your clock stop with a grin

"You will know when there is nothing behind you; stop" - that line in particular really stood out for me, I guess because it's an unusual phrasing, but has a kind of hallucinatory logic to it.

I think you need to play around with all the isolated words in the piece, which at the moment are functioning as a kind of list of impressions. Most of them are nouns, and big bold conceptual nouns at that, but then there are these verbs:

Twisting, Binding, Propelling, Morphing, Shifting, Changing...

Maybe you should try blending the parts of speech together, make the nouns move by attaching verbs to them, bring them to life with adjectives and adverbs, try putting words together randomly to see what unexpected results you can come up with? Or use each individual word as a starting point for brainstorming, perhaps creating a sensory impression to go with each one. For example, "adrenalin" could be "a bitter taste in the mouth", and childhood could be "riding the swing high smiling in the park".

Anyway, just some suggestions...

 

[Hammet]

Thanks a lot for your imput. Poetry is foreign to me but sometimes it must come out. Freakin mushies make me think too much...