Pining drifting dreaming.

I want to get high so bad. It's a blessing in disguise that he's gone, my one source, but all I seem to do lately is try to brainstorm a way to find some dope. And I'm sure I could if I worked at it, it just seems like too much of a hassle and I'm too depressed and have barely the energy to get up off my couch. Randomly drive around, put myself in a bad position, try to hang out where other users tend to hang out and make friends then bum one of their connects - I'm too lazy. So I sit around and eat pill after pill. They don't get rid of the craving but they take the edge off. Well, if I take enough I pass out - then I dream about dope. But at least I'm not conscious.

Today is the first day in a while that I didn't feel - I dunno, for lack of a better way of putting it - some actual mental anguish and physical ache in my bones for some dope. It's been over a month since I've used. All I want is dopedopedope, it's all I think about. Every day. Almost no one knows I've ever even used, I have no support in this, and the first chance I get to use, I know I'm going to. I'm just biding my time and suffering through this for now.

FUCK YOU for contacting me, FUCK YOU for forcing your way into my life, FUCK YOU for taking all my money and leaving me strung out and confused and wondering whether you are dead or alive. FUCK YOU for bailing on me, and FUCK ME for falling in love with you. And your dope.

 

Yeah, I get thoughts of getting high still. The thing is, the high is just so fucking temporary and just not worth the pain anymore.

Stay strong. You don't need that shit. WE don't need that shit. Those hardcore cravings go away in time. They get replaced with mere thoughts. Those thoughts don't have to turn into action. I had the hardest time with that before. i always figured that I had to act on every single thought that entered my head.

Its nice to know the difference.

Stay strong! You got this

 

This is such a fitting comment. So weird. Had a similar convo today with my brother. Thanks so much for your thoughts Just helps to have the random little reinforcements along the way...