I took my first 20mgs of paxil/paroxetine today. I was first prescribed this particular anti-d in '93. I have mostly been on them since with maybe a handful of attempts to stop. I've noticed that the lengthier times that I went without them were times I have relapsed. Each fall worse than the last.
Its so odd how these pills work. I don't know if it is a placebo effect or the real deal but I took 1 today and notice a distinct difference in my attitude, perspective, mood from the past week.
Shit, last night I was extremely suicidal, angry, hurt, (insert any negative feeling here).
Tonight I actually feel somewhat at peace in my head.
These pills aren't really supposed to take their full effect for a few weeks.
I have to give 'M' credit. She took my unfounded, paranoid, insecure thoughts, and kicked the shit out of them. She cares for me a great deal I believe. I just feel bad that she was burdened by my stupid mindset.
She has a point though. I have a chemical imbalance. I need to accept the fact that I can't control this mental disease but I CAN make it easier to tolerate through medication.
She's a real good woman. Caring, kind, compassionate. Alright, take everything that is good and proper and that defines 'M'.
She asked me once if I was replacing the drugs with her. The answer was, and still is, 'no'. We were together when I was clean (I was clean for 5 years but we weren't together for more than a year). I loved her then, I simply love her more now.
Just because I'm an addict doesn't mean I'm filling in the void that lack of drugs has created. She knows this.
I've said this before to her and I need to accept this statement 'I'll be on medication forever'. She accepts it so why do I struggle with it so much.
These pills have delivered me from the horrors I've created in my head.
I hope I don't get cocky. Each time I go off them gets worse and worse.
Its so odd how these pills work. I don't know if it is a placebo effect or the real deal but I took 1 today and notice a distinct difference in my attitude, perspective, mood from the past week.
Shit, last night I was extremely suicidal, angry, hurt, (insert any negative feeling here).
Tonight I actually feel somewhat at peace in my head.
These pills aren't really supposed to take their full effect for a few weeks.
I have to give 'M' credit. She took my unfounded, paranoid, insecure thoughts, and kicked the shit out of them. She cares for me a great deal I believe. I just feel bad that she was burdened by my stupid mindset.
She has a point though. I have a chemical imbalance. I need to accept the fact that I can't control this mental disease but I CAN make it easier to tolerate through medication.
She's a real good woman. Caring, kind, compassionate. Alright, take everything that is good and proper and that defines 'M'.
She asked me once if I was replacing the drugs with her. The answer was, and still is, 'no'. We were together when I was clean (I was clean for 5 years but we weren't together for more than a year). I loved her then, I simply love her more now.
Just because I'm an addict doesn't mean I'm filling in the void that lack of drugs has created. She knows this.
I've said this before to her and I need to accept this statement 'I'll be on medication forever'. She accepts it so why do I struggle with it so much.
These pills have delivered me from the horrors I've created in my head.
I hope I don't get cocky. Each time I go off them gets worse and worse.
