picture that

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

Every time I sit down to think
of a time that brought me where I am today,
I somehow get reminded of him.
It isn't a good reminded,
or a bad reminded...
I just start to remember a time
where all in my life wasn't planned
but there was this sense of
certainty, and I never had to be reminded.

Everytime my mind wanders back
and old memories are rekindled,
I end up frustrated.
Left thinking about
how I got back to thinking in the beginning,
and more frustrated.
I can never find the words
to give him
or I justice...
if maybe that's what I am looking for.

So tonight,
I am just going to tell my story.
A story that only me, in my frame of mind,
will understand now.
A story that is buried in a Fed Ex box
which fits the cliche a picture says a thousand words.

There I am.
Thirty-some fucking staples,
brusies and black and blues.
An EIGHTEEN year old mind
damaged, forever.

I can see the difference in myself,
since that day almost five years ago.
And I can't say I am proud.
I pictured myself at a different
point in my life,
where I wouldn't be doing
something less,
other than what matters.
And I find myself day after day,
making up excuses.

There was a time where I'd make
up excuses, jus to leave this place.
And it worked for a bit.
It was hideous.
To think we'd be able to run away
to Vermont....
and escape the world, the two of us.
Isn't it marvelous,
how teenage minds work.

That accident haunts me to this day.
I can see it all,
standind up to go to the hospital
room mirror, comb in my hand.
That is NOT me. That is NOT ME. It COULDN'T BE.

Sometimes even now,
I feel the same way.
I can't recgonize my own face.
I am a stranger in my own reflection.



We spent +2 weeks in Europe.
I can almost see it now,
us running around by the Pastille,
as it poured down rain,
as we darted from awning to awning
trying not to get soaked.
Buy my gosh,
how many more times would it be
that we'd get soaking wet
by the european rain.

i couldn't complain
sleeping in train station
downtown Zurich Switzerland.
When would the next time
arise, like this?
And The CURE......
They performed beyond
my wildest fantasty.....
I was in a world
I'd never believe...
I'd never have believed.......

I have the first picture
I took in Philadelphia.
After I moved from here.
It is a reminder
of the first attempt at something
without you.
And I failed.

A conversation lingers
Jen, what the fuck are you still doing here?
I'd figure you'd be in Africa right now,
or somewhere far from here.
With national geographic or something,
doing work for them.
What are you still doing here?

And the truth is,
I don't know.
I'm not that girl you knew
who spoke her mind on anything.
I'm not the same idealistic opinionist
who fell in love with you.
Then broke your heart.

I'm having a real hard time
figuring anything out anymore.
I don't know who am I
or why I am here,
or why I continue to linger
around this daily routine
that I wish I didn't.
But can't get away from.
I'm not strong anymore.

I'm having a real hard time
growing up
and taking place in this world.
I can't quite seem to find the
place I fit.
I can't find that someone to help me.
make me feel perfect, just right.

I have all these pictures
that remind me of a different time,
a different life, a different me
that I didn't mind......
because I had a reason back then
to try to succeed.
And now all I have,
is a remembrance of a time
I failed and failed again.
And not enough courage
or strength to go on now.

 

[cherub]

Girl, i loved reading this,,,, cause i feel you.

Growing up is part of finding you and it doesn't happen over night.
Everyone finds their place in there own time.

I relate to this more then any part though alot of it made me relate:

Sometimes even now,
I feel the same way.
I can't recgonize my own face.
I am a stranger in my own reflection.

BUT ON THIS NOTE:

I'm having a real hard time
growing up
and taking place in this world.
I can't quite seem to find the
place I fit.
I can't find that someone to help me.
make me feel perfect, just right.

Girl the only one that can find your place and make you feel who you really are is you. Not a man, not a friend,,, only you and YOU WILL IN TIME!!


*HUGS*

 

[E-girl]

Buy my gosh,
how many more times would it be
that we'd get soaking wet
by the european rain.

so vivid... you paint awesome pictures in my mind with this one.

listen, i've always known you to be stronger than you think, and even though the light at the end of the tunnel seems so dim, it wont forever. But if i've learned one thing it's that you need to let go of the past, if you can have any kind of a future. Sure, the past dictates who we are now, but who you are tomorrow is all up to YOU! so put away the fed ex box and go on with your life -- you are better than all that. you are SOMEONE. someone great.