The fucking bitch that wants to run my life becuz she thinks that my addiction is her problem. Any concern is appreciated. i told her i am happy she cares that much and that its nice of her to want to see me doin good. But she dont know dick about addiction. Her theory:
"Like, I just dont get it tho. YOU NEED TO STOP. You NEED to. And you cant!"
"I can stop. I have before, But. Right now, i aint ready to do it."
"Well if you COULD stop, you would do it RIGHT NOW, becuz you KNOW its BAD!"
"It dont work like that. I need to find it inside my self to quit totally, and until i make that inner change, any effort i make is in vain, and it aint gonna work. I know enough after tryin to quit 3 times already when i wasnt fully ready, that unless i am ready to put my all into it, I aint gonna stop."
"Well then you just need someone to MAKE you stop!"
"Nobody can make me stop. Its up to me."
"Yea, thats why you need to go to REHAB, becuz they can MAKE you stop there! Obviously you have a PROBLEM if you cant stop! If you could, you would already have did it, becuz if its so bad for you, and you KNOW its bad, then why cant you just STOP?"
"I been to rehab. It didnt make me stop. I need to do this shit on my own time and all i need from you is your support and understandin when i need somebody to talk to."
"So you should go to a DIFFERENT rehab! maybe the one you went to just wasnt the right one! I went to rehab once, and it made me a totally different person! (Note: She was 15, and she went to a Wilderness Program in arizona, because her mom caught her smoking weed. It was not for drug addiction, it was a "adolescents with bad attitudes" camp. Hardly a fuckin expert on the subject of drug rehab.)
"Listen yo, i aint goin to no fucking rehab. There aint nobody on this earth who can make me stop. I been with my man for 6 years, and almost losing him wasnt enough to make him stop. My mother gave birth to me and her tears wasnt enough to make me stop. If i aint doin it for me, I aint doin it, so as much as i really appreciate your concern, I got to be real with you and tell you that I aint stopping til I know I am ready. If i lie and say im ready when I aint i will just fail again, and I rather just be honest and say Im still using and I am cutting back til Im ready to really end my use, than lie to my self and others that I want to stop when I really dont, becuz i will never, ever be successful at stopping til I am ready inside my heart, you cant fake that, and you cant force it."
"But your just gonna get worse and worse! You cant control yourself! You dont have willpower, the drugs controlling you and telling you wat to do! You say youll stop if you go back on probation, but you WONT, cuz you cant stop when I TELL YOU TO! Youll just keep using and fail your piss tests and go to JAIL!"
(When i was on probation, i quit for five days every 2 weeks so i could pass my piss test. I have no problem controlling my use when it comes to shit like that.)
"Listen yo, at this point youre just too upset and worried to even really know wats goin on. Im glad to have a friend like you whose tryin to be involved in helping, but there aint nothing you personally can do. The best thing you can do for a addict that you care about is just be there for them , thats all."
"But I aint gonna LET you do this to yourself! Im gonna MAKE you stop, whether you want to or not. I dont care wat I have to do, cuz you dont even know wat youre doin, you are making bad decisions and I WANT THIS TO STOP! I dont understand why you dont just quit right now?!! If you say you can stop, then DO IT! If you dont do it, it means that you CANT STOP ON YOUR OWN. i already looked up rehabs for you to go to on the internet! They got a payment plan and charity care so that you can afford it! You need to do this, I dont like seeing you like this and its really upsetting me!"
"Yo, wat I need, is to search inside myself and find the turning point where I am ready to let go of this shit. Til then, I am gonna continue using, i have stopped using as much as i used to, i use less days out of the week, and i been spending less and less money on it, and copping in less shady places. i am doin a lot better than I was even 2 months ago, so give me some credit for that. Until then, I aint gonna be changing. change comes from inside, not from people outside pushing you."
"Well sometimes you just need somebody to FORCE you to stop becuz you CANT do it on your own! And youre in denial, you dont think you have a problem, obviously you dont think you have a problem if you think you can stop on your own, becuz if you could, you would have did it already, so that means YOU NEED ME TO MAKE YOU STOP."
I seriously want to shoot myself in the fucking head when i talk to this girl. The best part about it is, she told me, "yo, if you ever want to use just call me and we can chill and smoke. I want you to just smoke weed everytime you wanna use dope, so jsut give me a cal and Ill be there." smokin weed does help me alot with cravings n shit, and I usually grab that ish from her.
EVERY . FUCKING. TIME. That i call her when I am REALLY down and out, she aint there. One time I called her in the middle of having a panic attack SOBBING and cryin (I had never had this happen to me before and didnt know wat was going on, i didnt know it was a panic attack) and I begged her , yo , please, I dont know wat to do, I want to use to bad, I am loosing my mind, I am gonna go crazy, I feel like i will kill myself if i cant stop this feeling, please, please help me, please let me come over and just smoke one with you real quick or even just talk to me becuz Im flippin out"
she goes
"Oh, well, just dont use. Just think of something else. I mean, I was hanging out with my man and we were just tryin to have a relaxed night becuz he lost his job last week, so hes kind of stressed and I want to make him feel better, so were just drinking and smoking and I have homework to do, maybe we can chill tomorrow instead?"
becuz thats right, Im homicidal and suicidal and in the middle of a panic attack TOMORROW, and THATS when I need the help. Not RIGHT NOW THIS VERY SECOND becuz Im in the middle of some insane shit that i really need some help with now. Ill jsut put these feelings on pause til its convenient for you to help me.
So, then after like 8 times of her being too busy, or her phone bein off, or her just not answering, i stop calling her and just go get some dope instead, and then she calls me later like ARE YOU USING! IM SOOO MAD AT YOU! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME! YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA TRY AND GET CLEAN! WHY DIDNT YOU CALL ME?! Bitch i called you 5 times and you didnt pick up and the 6th time you had to walk your fucking dog or some gay shit like that, so dont get mad at me for the fact that you only talk about it but when the shit hits the fan you aitn nowhere to be found, until AFTER i use, and then you get mad at me and give me a 45 minute speech.
I fuckin hate her. I am always open to people in my life tryin to help but she is tryin to run my life, and then she disappears everytime the shit goes down she aint there, she just gets in the way and sticks her fuckin nose in my shit every chance she gets when i am actually doing good , and blows it outta proportion cuz i did 2 fuckin bags of dope when i used to do 30 every day.
Then, when me and my man was in the middle of a nasty ass fight, she tried to jump in the middle of it, when i asked her not to over and over. She disrespected me and went right into it instead, my man went off to go boot up and try and chill out and she fucking FOLLOWS him and goes IM GONNA TAKE THAT NEEDLE OUT OF YOUR HAND AND BREAK IT IF YOU TRY AND USE! Keep in mind its his last dose, and he got no more money or dope. This fuckin little cunt cant even listen when she FOLLOWED ME to my drug counseling meeting. They told her that it was nice of her to want to help but that the only thing she can do is try and be supportive, and that it aint up to her to change my life for me , and that it would be impossible for her to change me anyways.
So, she goes, "Wow, you know, i really dont think you should be going to those counselors, they are bad influences, i mean, they dont even think you need to stop right away, how could they be helping you if they aint making you quit? why are they letting you use?"
*FACEPALM*
Seriously, everytime I think of this i fucking rage. This girl believed, at age 19, that terodactyls (The bird dinosaur things) were ALIVE UNTIL 1987. She said that she SAW ONE FLYING OVER HER BACK YARD. A fucking EXTINCT DINOSAUR that been dead for thousands of years. she totally believed this shit. shes borderline retarded , that is how low her IQ is, and she is tryin to tell me all this shit. She said "How can you say I dont understand wat its like to be addicted to heroin? I KNOW WAT ITS LIKE! I UNDERSTAND! Wat dont I understand? Just becuz I think you should be able to stop using today becuz you need to just stop, that means I dont understand? I think YOU dont understand how hard it is to be me and watch you do drugs, becuz I am just telling you the right thing and you dont want to do it!"
its real sad to me but Im losing a friend over this. i cant let her do this to my life. i need to handle my own bizness, and she is hurting way more than helping. she aint helping at all, actually, just making shit way worse. So, now she can thank herself for the fact that she pushed me the fuck away with her constant need to control me. Fuckin bitch.