Perhaps my last night chasing the dragon.

[LifeQuitter]

Hi tonight is the last night I will be able to feel relief from my extreme pain. I am visiting a friend in a different town far away from home and this is the last thing I am looking forward to. Haven‘t seen him in a looong time. He will be the last person irl that I will tell my story too. After this will be a downward spiral into the worst hell imaginable. I have one line of upper to blow for tonight and then one for tomorrow morning. I will depart tomorrow afternoon. I hope I can get a tattoo artist for tomorrow because I have a special motive in mind and want that ink in my skin. Anyway. Got one last dose of my opioids. Will be chasing the dragon one last time tonight. After that I am out of steam, out of juice. I mean I could theoretically ration it into 2 days to soothe withdrawal but I want to feel the comfort it gives me one final time. I don‘t care this is it. I most definitely think I will end up in a psych ward or dead next week. I hope the latter tbh. My life is hell. Everyday indescribable pain. I wish I could write a little longer about my story but I don‘t have much time now. I need to depart soon. Perhaps I can do tomorrow or before withdrawal hits me. We will see. For now I am just looking forward to enjoy my last night chasing the dragon.

 

[LifeQuitter]

Update. Chilling on my friends couch. He smoked a blunt and felt so tired so he went to sleep early. Could only share the happy euphoria of my opioid for about 30 min so now I am sitting there alone but happy. No pain. All good. I was blowing a big dragon. Everything itching as per usual but love it. Feel loved. Everything going fine. Rn I don‘t want the high to ever stop. Ahh I know there will be shit waiting for me on the other end of the line. Just enjoying every moment I have… man.

 

[LifeQuitter]

Update: slowly coming off the euphoria but itching and pain suppression still holds very good. I think I don‘t want to throw in the towel. I don‘t want to go back to what I was before the drugs. I wanted to commit suicide by end of January, suffering extreme pain and misery every single day. I have nothing to look forward to in this life. At least on the opioids I feel loved and like everything is fine. I probably will try to get more. I don‘t want this to end. I am not scared of the withdrawal at all but there is nothing waiting for me in sobriety that is worth going back for. At least on drugs I can look forward to temporal relief.

I was doing so good, had a bright future and a good life, never taking drugs and being a good citizen. Then a bad struck of fate cursed me with the worst pain imaginable that no doctor can fix. I can only do it myself with strong illicit drugs.

Going to sleep now without pain but knowing tomorrow is going to be hell.

 

[elgoucho9]

May i ask what is the cause of your pain?

There is a level of pain that if it makes your life not worth living anymore, then i would say treatment with drugs is better than just outright perma suffering.

 

[LifeQuitter]

May i ask what is the cause of your pain?

There is a level of pain that if it makes your life not worth living anymore, then i would say treatment with drugs is better than just outright perma suffering.

Exactly. Before the drugs I had such extreme levels of pain that I was bout to kill myself. The drugs at least gave me temporarily escape.

My pain is complex emotional. Very long story broken down in one sentence is: I lost the love of my life. Look I had a major surgery almost 2 years ago where I had extreme levels of physical pain but I would trade that ANY day over the emotional grief and agony I face now. I been to so many psychiatrists. I am on the highest dosage of 2 antidepressants + sleeping pills, tried 3 different neuroleptic meds, psychotherapy, in and out of the psych ward, counselling, ketamine therapy, etc etc nothing ever helps. I went a long way before I started the drugs. The pain doesn’t subside.
Basically my reality in sobriety is lying pretty much all day in bed in the fetal position, screaming and crying in agony with pain filling my whole body and mind. I suffer some pretty complex mental issue but mental anguish is real. Very real. What helps is the opioids bc they mimic the effects of endorphins binding opioid receptors. That‘s why i am a fcking dopefiend now . But better than suicide ay?

 

[LifeQuitter]

Update: woke up. Pain suppression surprisingly still lasts a bit, maybe bc I did a big blow yesterday. I have a short acting opioid so I am surprised that 12h post blow I still feel the pain suppression. I could also eat well for breakfast which happens very rarely. Good.
However, rn I do feel it slowly wearing off. The misery is creeping back on me. Tattoo shop doesn‘t have time slots free. Unfortunate but I will do it back at my hometown.
I made the decision. I won‘t stop. I will hit my stupid plug for more.
There is nothing waiting for me in sobriety other than the endless agony.

I might just do this a little longer. Fuck it. Burn through life. Maybe I will even OD one day. Would be the best day of my life.


Ain‘t quitting yet.

 

[G_Chem]

Exactly. Before the drugs I had such extreme levels of pain that I was bout to kill myself. The drugs at least gave me temporarily escape.

My pain is complex emotional. Very long story broken down in one sentence is: I lost the love of my life. Look I had a major surgery almost 2 years ago where I had extreme levels of physical pain but I would trade that ANY day over the emotional grief and agony I face now. I been to so many psychiatrists. I am on the highest dosage of 2 antidepressants + sleeping pills, tried 3 different neuroleptic meds, psychotherapy, in and out of the psych ward, counselling, ketamine therapy, etc etc nothing ever helps. I went a long way before I started the drugs. The pain doesn’t subside.
Basically my reality in sobriety is lying pretty much all day in bed in the fetal position, screaming and crying in agony with pain filling my whole body and mind. I suffer some pretty complex mental issue but mental anguish is real. Very real. What helps is the opioids bc they mimic the effects of endorphins binding opioid receptors. That‘s why i am a fcking dopefiend now . But better than suicide ay?

I can relate. I’ve experienced physical pain, everything from breaking my back to cancer.. but losing someone you truly love is the hardest.

After my divorce/separation I thought id be broken forever. I fell kinda hard back into certain addictions. But as much as it sucks to hear, it really does get better. Time does heal all wounds.

Give yourself the empathy and compassion to understand it’s normal to feel this way, feel into the emotions instead of running from them, and best of all focus on building yourself up so you find someone better than before.

-GC

 

[Jabberwocky]

@LifeQuitter - thanks for sharing, and be good to yourself. You are in the correct website forum to be supported by like-minded and largely less judgemental individuals. That said, while it is the correct forum it is the incorrect sub-forum, so I'm going to move this over to The Dark Side where you'll more likely receive supportive replies. Moderated by our boy @deficiT who is awesome.

Thanks to all here

 

[LifeQuitter]

Update: yesterday on my way home I did lsd which lasted way longer than I thought. Anyway when I saw my mum she realised something‘s off and beat me up and flushed down all my drugs. Then I was sent to the psych ward. Well now I am forced through withdrawal. The LSD worked wonders in terms of pain suppression though and I still have some after effects. Darkness waiting for me though. I think I won’t have my phone a lot and don‘t know how long I will stay. Maybe I‘ll be put on buprenorphine. This might be my last post for a while. I will see how far this is going to take me. I don‘t want the pain and misery to come back but I will have no other choice to wait and see.

 

[G_Chem]

Update: yesterday on my way home I did lsd which lasted way longer than I thought. Anyway when I saw my mum she realised something‘s off and beat me up and flushed down all my drugs. Then I was sent to the psych ward. Well now I am forced through withdrawal. The LSD worked wonders in terms of pain suppression though and I still have some after effects. Darkness waiting for me though. I think I won’t have my phone a lot and don‘t know how long I will stay. Maybe I‘ll be put on buprenorphine. This might be my last post for a while. I will see how far this is going to take me. I don‘t want the pain and misery to come back but I will have no other choice to wait and see.

I’m on Bupe and it’s saved my life. Yes I’m dependent on something but I’ve never had to raise my dose and have actually lowered it on my own accord. I’d definitely try to get on a low dose, really does help with depression.

If we don’t see you for awhile know we are thinking of you and hope the best. Life is very much worth living, these moments now are what make the good times taste so sweet. Look at people who’ve been given it all, they can’t find joy in life because they have zero appreciation. You will come out of this stronger than ever.

-GC

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

We're all pulling for you!

 

[deficiT]

I'm sorry for all of the pain you're going through. Life truly is difficult at times. Most of us go through some serious trials, sometimes to varying degrees. But we all have some levels of suffering in common. Just please do your best to keep things in perspective for yourself, while things certainly could be better, they could be a lot worse too.

I've been where you are. In and out of psych wards, hospitals, rehabs, halfway houses, etc... and what helped me get through was the practice of humility, gratitude, and acceptance. Consider opioid maintenance, and maybe put together a list of goals, or a plan for the changes you could make that would lead you to be happier.

 

[LifeQuitter]

Thanks for all your words guys.

Currently doing extremely horrible. I have been on the highest dosage of two antidepressants and sleeping pills for a while now but if that worked I wouldn‘t have started with the illicit drugs to begin with.. I am back to my old self pre heavy drug use. Endless pain and misery that never stops. Screaming, crying, misery… every single day. It never stops. I am seriously thinking about hurting myself real bad. I just want to go back to heavy drug use. This is not life. Well hasn‘t been for a long time anyway. I‘m bouta throw in the towel. The only thing I regret is not committing suicide earlier. I should have done it at the end of January with my original plan. The drugs might have been “the wrong way” but if it wasn’t for them I would have never ever made it this far through the misery. Now there is nothing waiting for me on the outside. Nothing waiting for me tomorrow. Just this endless pain. I wanna die…

 

[happyone]

i feel for you- consider suboxone. im on it and a host of other antidepressants including iv ket. i'm still depressed; i dont go out much, but i'm not dead. only thing with suboxone, it too is for me habit forming. gives you an elusive lil pat on the back to start the day. so now i feel i need that. i try and approach life with much empathy , respect and care for others. i saw your post and there were so many commonalities ... psych units , 3 day holds, screaming, crying, and outright misery..... --i finally made a small baby step forward or sideways. i' m alive. and for that i'm grateful, most days.. and thats for me to accept.

 

[deficiT]

Thanks for all your words guys.

Currently doing extremely horrible. I have been on the highest dosage of two antidepressants and sleeping pills for a while now but if that worked I wouldn‘t have started with the illicit drugs to begin with.. I am back to my old self pre heavy drug use. Endless pain and misery that never stops. Screaming, crying, m6 drug use. This is not life. Well hasn‘t been for a long time anyway. I‘m bouta throw in the towel. The only thing I regret is not committing suicide earlier. I should have done it at the end of January with my original plan. The drugs might have been “the wrong way” but if it wasn’t for them I would have never ever made it this big . Myfar through the misery. Now there is nothing waiting for me on the outside. Nothing waiting for me tomorrow. Just this endless pain. I wanna die…

Messages always open if you need to talk. Never walked in your shoes... But I have wanted to die before and have attempted numerous times and. The longer I've stuck around, the better life has gotten, and the easier it is to be in my head. It's not perfect but, at the very least I know that I'm not leaving behind a trail of heartbreak and tragedy in my wake.

 

[LifeQuitter]

I‘m back. I made it through withdrawal and felt better for a while. I thought I could deal with my demons. I told the girl I love with all my heart my feelings. I kicked myself in the ass and did it. I told her that she gives my life a meaning and I continue to fight through hell and back for her.
Know what she said? In short: “You are absolutely unattractive and this will never change, and I never felt anything for you. Oh and btw I have a new boyfriend now that I love so much”

Without further explanation required: I am back on heavy drug use. Quit my job. Can’t go to my classes anymore because I will see her there.
I entered darker realms now, smoked my first pipe. Might be going to IV H but I try to not do that for now. I’ll OD soon. This finna be it. My life is over

 

[puke]

She sounds like a witch, not the good kind. You're better off because if you ended up marrying her she probably would've been a demoralizing unsupportive hag through out the marriage and would take advantage.

 

[LawyerLife]

I will be very blunt and direct with you - The only chance you have to get through this is involuntary commitment to a rehab facility. Your brain has been totally rewired, and only total sobriety will help. 90 days is the bare minimum. You can’t do this alone from what it seems to me. All the talk about ending your life is the product of deep depression and nothing more. Substance induced.

As far as the antidepressants are concerned, they will not do absolutely anything for you until you stop taking street drugs.

Life is worth living, but you have to put in the effort.

 

[deficiT]

I‘m back. I made it through withdrawal and felt better for a while. I thought I could deal with my demons. I told the girl I love with all my heart my feelings. I kicked myself in the ass and did it. I told her that she gives my life a meaning and I continue to fight through hell and back for her.
Know what she said? In short: “You are absolutely unattractive and this will never change, and I never felt anything for you. Oh and btw I have a new boyfriend now that I love so much”

Without further explanation required: I am back on heavy drug use. Quit my job. Can’t go to my classes anymore because I will see her there.
I entered darker realms now, smoked my first pipe. Might be going to IV H but I try to not do that for now. I’ll OD soon. This finna be it. My life is over

Damn bro... Sorry to hear you're going through it again. Well, it sounds like she ain't for you man. You can do better, and you can get better. Don't lose hope.

And definitely don't go down the road of IV use, it will make all of your problems a hundred times worse. Hoping the best for you bro.

 

[puke]

I‘m back. I made it through withdrawal and felt better for a while. I thought I could deal with my demons. I told the girl I love with all my heart my feelings. I kicked myself in the ass and did it. I told her that she gives my life a meaning and I continue to fight through hell and back for her.
Know what she said? In short: “You are absolutely unattractive and this will never change, and I never felt anything for you. Oh and btw I have a new boyfriend now that I love so much”

Without further explanation required: I am back on heavy drug use. Quit my job. Can’t go to my classes anymore because I will see her there.
I entered darker realms now, smoked my first pipe. Might be going to IV H but I try to not do that for now. I’ll OD soon. This finna be it. My life is over

Take LawyerLife's advice, you definetly need to at least go talk to a professional before you make a really bad decision.