• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

pep of tds, I NEED u

sconnie420

sconnie420

Ex-Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 9, 2012
Messages
1,185
Location
midwest
Guys,
I have nevr felt so bad.I'm depressed as all hell and I can't stop thinking about ending it.. I can't take thinking and feeling like this anymore.. I feel sooo shity, and I just want it 2 stop.. Nervous break down, maybe idk.. I know this isn't normal, but I can't stop.. Any tips? Yes, I see a shrink, just started but I don't foresee that working. I've been self medicating pretty heavy the last 2 days just 2 shit my mind down.. I have nil for support, I'm lonely as fuck, and no1 gives 2 shits about me irl..
Sorry 4 the rant, just seems like u guys are all that actually give a half a shit..
Idk, I'm fed up w/ my life and want it 2 b sooo done, that's 4 sure ..


:'(

*end rant*
 
Well firstly you should stop self medicating, or atleast slow it down. It fucks with your mind more than it helps.

And secondly, tell us why your life is like a broken glass my friend.
 
Hey man, thanx 4 the respond.. I edited that out.. But just everything, Stuff I can't rally post.. As far as the self medicating, I generally don't mix pills n what not, I'm not a big pill poper,but when I get like this I have 2. It calms me down. I just want to be done so bad..
I'm so sad and miserable w/ everything.. I'm so lonely and depressed w/ no1.. Thnx again 4 ur response.
 
I know what you mean about self medication... my sober mind is dangerous to be in. When I'm sober, I'm just completely and utterly dead, devoid of all feeling. It gets so bad when I'm sober, that I do ridiculously reckless shit to try and get my adrenaline pumping, so I can feel something. I don't take drugs anymore.. I just trained myself to live in my sober mind. It's tough, and I'm constantly paranoid about going to prison for doing something reckless, and I don't know if I can control this unbearable boredom much longer. I get so paranoid being sober, that life is just not a fun place to be. It may not be a fun place for me, but it's also not bad... it's completely neutral. I guess I found my happy medium. Just stick it out, and you will be all the stronger for it
 
I don't want it to sound like I do this all the time.. I don't but when I get like this I'm lucky 2 know people..even though the drugs have kicked in I don't feel any better, but @ least its not worse.. Only drug I do all the time is green..
I almost think I'd rather feel dead, or nothing, compared to how I feel know.. I can't stop crying and my mind is going in circles..

I have no1 so I have 2 get my stupid problems aired out here, I have no1 who cares @ all. Its soo hard to handle,I just dnt know how much longer I can handle..

I almost feel bad posting this bc I know a lot of pep have it so much worse then I do I just can't help it..
 
It will only make you feel worse to compare your emotional pain to someone else. You don't have to justify it. I agree with Wayfarlost and Eyes in that I think stopping all self-medicating might actually help even though that sounds scary. If the relationship that you are in is not a place you can turn for comfort then that is probably something you need to seriously consider. Sometimes being lonely with a person is way worse than being lonely without. Maybe seeing a therapist or a psychologist rather than a shrink might be something that would help. too. At least you would have a place to talk about what is causing you to feel so depressed right now. I've had a couple times in my life where that weekly appointment got me through. If nothing else, a good therapist can help you see how you are keeping yourself stuck in your own mind and habits. I know this has been escalating for you for a while now and you are no doubt feeling like it will never change but it can.

When you feel yourself looping back into suicidal thoughts, try to redirect your thoughts to what you are attached to--your animals and things that make you happy (in general). Know that reality exists outside of your current state of mind and that you will get through this. Sometimes we don't do what we know we have to do to be happy because it just feels too huge or too complicated. But suffering like this is pretty huge, too.

You have a lot of people here that care about you and want to see things get better for you.<3
 
I only self medicate when I feel this low, I don't do it everyday.. I just need something 2 take the edge off bc I really can't deal w/ this anymore..its been going on way to long now.. I feel so overwhelmed and alone its unreal..

Ya the shrink mentioned redirecting, but I just can't. The shrink is a therapist, only seen her once so far, but if she don't start me on some kind of anti depression medication or anything soon 2 help me, idk what ill do.. I really just can't go on like this anymore..

I don't even remember the last time I was happy.. :(
Or even felt like I had some1 2 confide in.. I just want to be done w/ life sooo bad.
 
Well yeah, drug addiction isn't really the basis to my last post. If you stay sober during your low points, you will become more comfortable with how you feel, and you will learn to cope with it psychologically on your own, without the assistance of drugs.
 
That would probably be possible if I had some1 IRL..I have no friends, and I can't talk to the family..I have noone, except you guys.. I need some kind of anti depressant or something..
I can't help my thoughts, I just wana be done w/ this whole thing..

Sorry, I'm just not in a good place right now..
 
Well, we are kind of in the same boat. I don't have anyone either. No friends, no one to lean on, and my family is just so dead set that I am only alive to cause pain and suffering to those closest to me thanks to a certain dr. I do make topics here a lot and I also feel like no one can relate, or even understand what I am going through. I've always been emotionless and aloof, as far as I can remember. My parents had me on anti depressants since age 9 or 11.. I can't remember.. the drugs they made me take my whole life fucked with me. The anti depressants never did anything. I've tried everything to try and feel normal, to try and feel something, and the only thing that has ever worked for me was recreational/party drugs. But, unfortunately, that is unacceptable in society today, so I was forced to abandon that form of treatment. Here I am today, in my sober mind, and it is fucking hard man trust me. Some of us just think differently and just do not fit in, and can not relate to anybody, at all. I learned that the only person I can rely on, is myself, since nobody understands what I'm trying to say when I try to describe what is going on inside of me. It's tough, it really is, but you get used to it. I used to have alot of friends.. like I knew the whole town, but that was because I was on ecstasy, alcohol, and pain killers all the time and I wasn't my true self. The friends I had gathered, only liked my drugged self. My sober self is who I really am, and who I really am is someone that is emotionally disconnected, and alone. I've come to accept that and I am neutral about it. I do not long for friendship. I have become to accept that my one best friend in this world, is myself. When you can live with yourself, then you can live your life. And it has only been recently that I have been able to live with myself, sober, and without drugs.
 
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Stay strong and try to get professional help. Just know that you are important and there is a reason that you were put on this Earth. I will be thinking about you and hope that someday you find peace.
 
Thanx 4 the responces every1.. I woke up :( (2 bad)...i

Eyes~ I know u don't know me but if u ever want 2 pm me 2 talk plz ff..I only take xannex when I get this bad. I'd be a lil afraid if I didn't have them... I just in such a bad place right now.. I've accepted that I have no1, its just so damn lonely..

She~ the only reason I feel like I'm here is bc my parents screwd. And. My mom ahouldve have an abortion.

Thanx everyq who responded..

I wish I felt better 2day, but I don't.. Just sux sooo bad.
 
I've accepted that I have no1, its just so damn lonely..
Click to expand...

Just keep your chin up. In a world if 7 billion people, statistically speaking, omewhere out there is another lonely person looking for you.

Men have made it through times of greater darkness and survived - every one of your ancestors did until you were born. Don't bring shame to them by discarding your life carelessly. Be strong - you can make it through any darkness if you stay strong.

If you're at rock bottom, there's no point in digging deeper into dispair. Try to think of something that brings you joy. Maybe get a pet. Play video games online. Go out for a walk, run, or bike ride. Sign up the the gym and hit on the ladies in tight spandex. Even just taking a day off and going to go hang out a park and eat lunch and watch nature would help. Go appreciate the fact you're concious, breathing, mobile, and alive.

At the very least go do some volunteer work. Rather than throwing your life into a void, give it a purpose.

Thanks to the internet people can connect and talk from around the world. If you hang out in the Lounge or any of the social threads you may meet some new friends. Lots of Bluelighters are pretty friendly given the chance.
 
^ I am a chick..

When ur as depressed as I am,feels like nothing is goin 2 help
All I know is I can't take much more. thnx 4 responses every1, I need all the help I can get ..
 
Last edited:
sconnie, I'm so sorry things haven't been going well for you. :( You're such a sweet girl and really do deserve a lot of happiness.

I know how hard that feeling is where it feels like nothing really helps. I think if you do just make yourself get out there and do something you'll feel at least a little better. sekio made some great suggestions. I especially think the volunteer work might help. I know you love animals. Could you maybe volunteer at an animal shelter near you?

At your next appointment, let your doctor know that you think that you need to be put on anti-depressants. Please don't give up, things WILL get better. Just be patient and don't give up hope. These feelings are by no means permanent. I believe in you and do think you can get through this. <3

As always, I'm just a PM away if you feel like talking. Also, I know I told you before but if you're ever in my neck of the woods and have some time to spare, let me know...Even though it might feel like it, you're not alone. <3 <3
 
Thnx hun,

Aftr I find a new job, I don't think ill have time or energy 2 volunteer.. Right now I'm only part time but I have 2 find something full time, real soon here.. Things on the home front just aren't good @ all.. I can't take it anymore, ya know.. I'm getting drunk, alone, 2nte..which I never do, but I'm low on pills soo. I have 2 do something.. I've never felt more alone in my life, and having no1 irl, its soo hard..I have no friends I can really turn 2, and the 1 I do have is going away for a lil less then a year.me and my s/o are currently separated.

Idk, ill tt her, she has 2 give me something.. I just can't do this anymore..
 
sconnie, I know that it feels unbearable, but the kind of loneliness you are suffering from is part of life. We all feel it because in some ways it is the whole truth of our existence. We are alone. No one can save us. No one can rescue us. People can come into our lives and shower us with love and inspire us to love them but it doesn't change the fact that we are born alone and die alone. So the cure for this kind of deep, deep loneliness is accepting that it is going to crop up again and again in our lives. Hopefully, the connections we make with people will be fulfilling and they will be healthy and they will last through hard times. But even then, life changes, people we love move away, they change, sometimes they die before we do. And then, no matter how much happiness and laughter you felt, you find yourself right back to the feeling of having no one. The best thing you can do for yourself, for right now and for the rest of your life is to make peace with the sadness. Don't blame yourself for it. You didn't do anything wrong. Don't try to drown it out with drugs or alcohol--that will just make it harder to get your needs met. As hard as it is, believe that it is temporary. Friends and lovers are out there. When you are a bundle of hurt and needs and wants it is hard to put yourself out there but this is still early. You are just recently separated. That is a terrible time for anyone! It makes sense for you to feel bad, to feel lonely and to feel discouraged, but it will pass. The trick is not to dig your hole deeper by drinking and taking pills and by letting all that negative talk take over your thinking. Take care of yourself. Make yourself eat good food and take walks. (((((((<3)))))))
 
Herby,
You're totally right.. But I know we're alone in life its just people have friends though to help them through these times.. Me~0..

Thnx 4 ur input though.
 
Sconnie please please hang in there. And, although I can't say I lead by example, I suggest you stop self medicating as well. Downers when you are already down is a recipe for disaster. I've never given out my personal info on here but it sounds like you need to talk to someone immediately rather than waiting on your next appt. If you want to talk you can send me a pm and we can exchange info. You need support so I am here for you offering it.
 
Sam,

If it wasn't 4 u guys here, I'd have no1. For that, I thank u all..I know self medicating isn't the way to go, but I have 2 do something.I'd probaby be dead by now if I hadnt .. It really sux not having a support system irl..
The sad thing is u guys care more if I'm alive or dead, more then the pep I know. Hell, my s/o hasn't even spoken 2 me in ? How long. He doesn't care anymore, eithr.

Thanx again guys, I have nothing but <3 4 u guys..
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top