People are not the same

[thinkarez]

I feel as though I am an old soul. I've been using heroin and all opioids since I was about 14 years old. People generally do not understand drug users and to make things worse I have a bad case of social anxiety. Which is the true reason I have always used drugs out of not wanting to be a reclusive person. I want to talk to people, understand their lives and give them all I can socially.

My social anxiety generally stops me from completing this with any individual. I honestly most times am in flight mode during even general conversation, and am wondering am I giving the right eye contact? should I do more/less? And I end up making any conversation awkward for all.

Then I found opioids/heroin and magically everything went away! People thought I was normal and times went great. Well $ caught up with me people noticed I was using and an intervention was instilled. Its been 3 years drug free except maintenance opioids such as suboxone and methadone and its not the same.

My life has severely went down hill, I started drinking and using benzos to find a missing cure with the opioids. So I'm trying to figure out what to do next......I cant function, get close to others, or keep going much longer.....someone has to of been here..

 

[neversickanymore]

The cure to social anxiety is to identify, develope, believe in and live by your own morals and values.

I hope you are able to cure yourself as social anxiety is awful to deal with.

 

[orangeden]

I know how you feel. I had a horrible time in school bc I was very shy & to make things worse my family moved halfway across the country just before I started high school. I honestly don't think I ever got over the social isolation & resulting feelings of worthlessness from that time. College was slightly better but I started binge-drinking & ultimately, when sober, that made me feel more anxious and incredibly ashamed around people. I just always felt like an awkward moron. Then I discovered benzos & later opiates & realized I didn't have to be the quiet one anymore. I could relax, laugh naturally, even with people I'd just met. Now I'm in my early 30's w a decent full-time job, not one I especially like, but at least it's a paycheck. However, I'm addicted to hydrocodone and xanax. I don't take enormous amounts and could probably taper, but I know I don't have the will power or the desire. I don't want to be unhappy & isolated. But, after 3-5 years of opiate use (it's a little fuzzy) I have no savings & am in constant financial anxiety. So for me it's like a choice between general unhappiness/isolation but having savings/plans/dreams & feeling good on the surface but this deepening black hole of fear inside me. I don't think it's that black & white necessarily. But a lot of ppl suffer from social anxiety. Are you on any antidepressant medication?

 

[herbavore]

People are definitely not the same and much damage comes from a culture that extolls extroversion endlessly and equates that with happiness. Neversickanymore is correct IMO--learning to live with, accept and love yourself--your true authentic self-- is what allows you to step outside of the anxiety trap. Anxiety is thoughts. Thoughts, but more importantly thought-chains/loops can be changed. It takes 1) intention 2) courage 3) effort and 4) patience but hey, you have your whole life to work on it! My bias against medical interventions for anxiety is that it robs you of the confidence and ability to change the root of the condition (which is really just skewed perception that leads to self-negating thoughts). Eventually the medications create their own set of problems so now you end up with that burden as well.

I spent the first part of my life being so socially and generally anxious that it was difficult to talk outside my immediate family. Psychedelics helped me to step outside the perception I had been living in and see that I could simply "be" and that knowledge allowed me to go forward into a world that supported that awareness rather than squashing it. The fear-driven, image driven culture we are all subjected to at such an early age is not the only reality out there. Connecting with the larger world of nature, understanding your place in it, and valuing meaningful social interaction over the isolation-in-disguise that is the more superficial and accepted social interaction is another element of healing that has been empowering in my life. Whether you self medicate or are prescribed medications by a doctor, I would suggest developing a practice such as meditation, yoga or mindful awareness (mindfulness in today's vernacular). Connecting your mind back to your body through a mind/body/spirit practice in a healthy way allows such an amazing wealth of healing to take place.

The most important thing is to remain hopeful and have faith in your own ability to heal.

 

[AGrouch]

I've definitely been shameful of y awkward jokes and general ignorance of social norms and I'd like to pass a lesson I've learned from someone who had the warmth to approach me when no one else would. Whenever you take anything to heart ask yourself, why do I value the opinion of someone who only seeks to bring me down? It's a little off point but what I'm trying to say is if someone is really off put by you then clearly they don't possess the compassion you need to come out of you're she'll. 2 we use drugs to bring out a part of us we already have life is trial and we have to summon the willpower to make the change we want to see. Accept constructive criticism. You can tell the difference when someone is either A asking you to change the personality you're comfortable with and B something along the lines of you get very personal in new relationships which can be awkward. If you see no problem with that and that makes you comfortable go for it. Eventually you'll meet like minded people accepting of you completely. That's the fun! It can be a little intimidating or suspenseful but eventually ou can sharpen you're personal skills to a point. It's like playing an instrument some people have a natural talent and some people have to work on it. As an above poster has said just be at peace with yourself. No one person has any right to a happy life than anyone else. You're worth it. You just need to accept that.

Edit: I'm on anti-depressant meds myself. They've certainly helped with self loathing but they just help. We have to put the effort forward.

 

[Tryptamine*Dreamer]

Yeah, social anxiety is difficult. I was shy but able to make friends okay before my brother and I were put in homeschool after I finished 4th grade. The last friend left when I was 11 and we were not wanted to have friends. I saw how my brother was treated for wanting and going against wishes of my mom so I spent so much time alone that I never could connect with anyone - it wasn't until I started using Bluelight that I really could talk/express ideas at all. I had the thought I was incapable of feeling friendship until I found out by accident their were people who cared a lot and were going out of there way to try to help me. I wish I knew how to get in touch with them but I think time is about to run out and then it will be too late for that. And I think some people are pulling pranks on me to confuse the situation, so I know what I want but not the actual options or how long I have to figure things out before time runs out.

But the thing about being yourself is a good one. When I try to be like everyone else, I don't think I can pull it off at all. It just makes me unhappy and probably not very nice at times. But I've had too many bad role models maybe. And I've had marriage proposals from strangers. I have no interest in actually getting married to be honest. Or in sex. But I tried to pretend to fit in. Maybe I will someday. But now I just want friends as far as any relationships go. I've thought about wanting to have sex maybe 2 or 3 times before. That's all. I know that isn't normal.

Hope everyone else with problems finds what they are looking for. Or strives for it. Can't get friends though if you stay alone because of anxiety and try to be what others find normal. And benzos are probably worse than opiates in the long term, at least they seemed to be for me.