whiteroom67
Bluelighter
Hey guys, looking for some input and discussion here... sensitive, genuine advice, and personal experiences are welcome please...
I am an opiate addict (mostly any form of oxycodone would be my DOC) and have been on and off for about 7 or so years since I first started doing it regularly (A girl named Roxy introduced me to roxies
. My pattern of use basically went... several months on the first time, a year and a half off... wasn't even thinking about it anymore until a girl got me back on (she was hot and wanted to get high with me... I thought what the hell? I thought she wanted me... turns out she didn't anyway, so all I got out of it was a solidified addiction). Anyway at that point, my pattern of use became more regular, frequent and intense... several months on, several months off, several months on, several months off... for years. Had surgery a few times which involved nice, large prescriptions of oxy and percs, which didn't help. Got off of oxy again just a few months ago. And my times off of oxy I was usually genuinely happy and mostly enjoying life because I would get back into working out and being healthy, or would just immerse myself in travel plans (that never happened), or whatever else. But about a year ago I picked up Kratom... which I loved that I still do a couple times a day, but not in huge doses. I want to get off, but I'm not spending too much money on it or going too crazy with it, so it is what it is at this point.
Anyway, in a nut shell, that's my current situation regarding my addiction with opiates. No oxy addiction currently... some thoughts sometimes, but very few actual urges. Yet I am using Kratom at least once daily.
Well, part of the problem with my addiction and recovery is... I am not satisfied with my life. Shocker, right? But, really. My whole life, I feel as if I have been living it for someone else... I have never been the 9-5 typical job and structured life type of person, but that was what I told told I needed to do to live a normal, socially acceptable and standard way of life by all of my relatives, their friends, and their friends' mothers. I was always happiest traveling, studying abroad, living life by the day, etc. I haven't really done that sort of thing since before my addiction really started (that year and a half clean near the beginning included a 6 month travel stint abroad (mostly studying abroad in college - a month in Spain, backpacking around Holland, 4 months in Morocco). My mother herself, who I am very close with (but have been fighting a lot with recently since not feeling happy), said she has never seen me happier or as a better person than when traveling. I recently went to Ecuador to stay with a shaman and his family for a week in the Amazon jungle, which was great too. We drank Ayahuasca, which was a great experience (I separate this sort of thing from staying sober from my addiction - actually my Ayahuasca trip gave me visions and the insight to make me realize how serious my addiction was, how I needed to address it now before it got worse, and played a big part in convincing me to seek help not long after I returned, especially since I didn't listen to what the Aya told me and relapsed again a few months later... harder than ever). AA/NA are alright, but haven't really done a whole ton for me I feel. I hear their stories, I know the steps, we talk about stuff... it just doesn't hit me. I am spiritual, but definitely not religious. I believe in higher powers, but not a "god". So I can't really connect to the steps of AA/NA really... unless I am missing something.
Anyway, as for me. I work. But I am a free spirit. I like to help people. I like variation. I like travel. I love music, and movies. I am a sensitive type of person, intuitive, very laid-back, and an introvert. I like spending time to myself, but need close friends and companionship, whom I DON'T have - my close friends each moved to California, Virginia, the Navy, and the Peace Corps. I have no one else, except for my immediate family, specifically, my brother, who is 17, probably my best friend, and yet will graduate high school next year and will be off to college - then he will be gone too. I am also the type of person that will get too comfortable in a routine, and will get bored, and depressed, and that coupled with loneliness tends to be a trigger. I am also a libertarian, very much so. And herein lies another problem - I currently work for local government, enforcing code violations and ordinances, a majority of which I don't agree with. I have freedom of being on the road much of the day when I want and seeing different people around town, but I got into this job because I wanted to help people (prevent them from getting sick by making sure restaurants stay clean, saving people money by making sure septics get installed right, helping the environment by enforcing against property and environment destruction, etc). But after having been in the field for a few years... I have come to realize it is the opposite. It is politics. It is making the boss look good and covering his ass - by enforcing the most asinine of issues against tax-paying individuals and small, struggling businesses which more often than not end up RUINING people's lives and business that they have worked so hard for - or at least ruining their day. I have come to hate what I do, and just as much hate the people I work for. I do their dirty work, and feel like a government thug. It is just is not me. A large part of that is what made me relapse the last time and the time before that. I wake up late for work, disagree with my boss about almost everything (not out of spite, just because I genuinely do), and don't believe in the work anymore. And my BA is in Anthropology so it would be hard just jumping into another career from here without some type of experience.
I've also never been good with women (which I get depressed about... also another trigger for using - I know I'm not bad looking though, people tell me all the time - so it's just my "game" I guess (I hate using that word). So no girlfriend (hardly any, ever). No kids either. Don't know if I'd really want any...
Right now I am clean physically (except for a mild-moderate Kratom dependence that I feel kind of "ehh" about). So I have recently strongly considered finally taking a move for myself, instead of satisfying everyone else with my conformity. I want to join the Peace Corps. After my Peace Corps service, unless I love it so much and decide to continue serving, I plan to use the allowance money they give (around $8000 before taxes) and use it to travel a bit more on my own, before maybe going to Southeast Asia to teach English, make more money (I hear $$ in South Korea isn't half bad teaching English), use that money to travel more, maybe stay in a monastery in India and/or Tibet or something for awhile, work on a winery in Italy/a farm in Ireland/a hostel in France/whatever, work at a hotel in Bali... travel more, maybe start an online business or blog or something... etc... after that who knows... and after more than 2 years in the Peace Corps, I will probably have not touched an opiate, or most likely even Kratom, for enough time to not miss it anymore (I honestly don't feel my addiction has been long, strong or continuous enough to crave it after that amount of time), and I will have my dream of a life of traveling back. At that point who knows what I will have experienced or what I will discover I want to do in life or who I will have met or whatever... just, whatever! Who knows! All I know here is that here I feel dead. A big part of what would stop me from making the jump and going though is 1) my student loan debt, which who knows how I would pay while traveling, working and living in 3rd world countries (I know I can defer it while in Peace Corps but after that - no idea), and 2) I feel very close to my family, despite how much they annoy me, but I will especially miss my brother and my mom - and the comfortable Sunday afternoons and movie nights we would always have and spend together...![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
And my Dad was just recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's... I was never very close with him, but still... I wouldn't want to feel like I totally leave them to take care of him... I wouldn't want them thinking I don't care, because that's not true either. So I am looking for opinions and discussion on my situation and choices and desires... does joining Peace Corps and going through with my travel plans sound like a great idea for someone like me in my situation? My friend who joined the peace corps said he loves it... and I love traveling... I still live at home too and haven't been able to move out because I haven't been able to save much money.. spending it either on drugs or even when sober... spending it on like super health foods or something else to replace drugs, due to my obsession with keeping my mind and wallet occupied while living my currently not-so-fulfilling life.
I feel like we are only here once and I am going to turn 30 soon (I'll be 29 next month)... I feel if I am going to do this now is the time, it may finally make me happy and not feel the need for drugs anymore too...
Similar experiences??? Opinions??? Anyone???
I am an opiate addict (mostly any form of oxycodone would be my DOC) and have been on and off for about 7 or so years since I first started doing it regularly (A girl named Roxy introduced me to roxies
. My pattern of use basically went... several months on the first time, a year and a half off... wasn't even thinking about it anymore until a girl got me back on (she was hot and wanted to get high with me... I thought what the hell? I thought she wanted me... turns out she didn't anyway, so all I got out of it was a solidified addiction). Anyway at that point, my pattern of use became more regular, frequent and intense... several months on, several months off, several months on, several months off... for years. Had surgery a few times which involved nice, large prescriptions of oxy and percs, which didn't help. Got off of oxy again just a few months ago. And my times off of oxy I was usually genuinely happy and mostly enjoying life because I would get back into working out and being healthy, or would just immerse myself in travel plans (that never happened), or whatever else. But about a year ago I picked up Kratom... which I loved that I still do a couple times a day, but not in huge doses. I want to get off, but I'm not spending too much money on it or going too crazy with it, so it is what it is at this point. Anyway, in a nut shell, that's my current situation regarding my addiction with opiates. No oxy addiction currently... some thoughts sometimes, but very few actual urges. Yet I am using Kratom at least once daily.
Well, part of the problem with my addiction and recovery is... I am not satisfied with my life. Shocker, right? But, really. My whole life, I feel as if I have been living it for someone else... I have never been the 9-5 typical job and structured life type of person, but that was what I told told I needed to do to live a normal, socially acceptable and standard way of life by all of my relatives, their friends, and their friends' mothers. I was always happiest traveling, studying abroad, living life by the day, etc. I haven't really done that sort of thing since before my addiction really started (that year and a half clean near the beginning included a 6 month travel stint abroad (mostly studying abroad in college - a month in Spain, backpacking around Holland, 4 months in Morocco). My mother herself, who I am very close with (but have been fighting a lot with recently since not feeling happy), said she has never seen me happier or as a better person than when traveling. I recently went to Ecuador to stay with a shaman and his family for a week in the Amazon jungle, which was great too. We drank Ayahuasca, which was a great experience (I separate this sort of thing from staying sober from my addiction - actually my Ayahuasca trip gave me visions and the insight to make me realize how serious my addiction was, how I needed to address it now before it got worse, and played a big part in convincing me to seek help not long after I returned, especially since I didn't listen to what the Aya told me and relapsed again a few months later... harder than ever). AA/NA are alright, but haven't really done a whole ton for me I feel. I hear their stories, I know the steps, we talk about stuff... it just doesn't hit me. I am spiritual, but definitely not religious. I believe in higher powers, but not a "god". So I can't really connect to the steps of AA/NA really... unless I am missing something.
Anyway, as for me. I work. But I am a free spirit. I like to help people. I like variation. I like travel. I love music, and movies. I am a sensitive type of person, intuitive, very laid-back, and an introvert. I like spending time to myself, but need close friends and companionship, whom I DON'T have - my close friends each moved to California, Virginia, the Navy, and the Peace Corps. I have no one else, except for my immediate family, specifically, my brother, who is 17, probably my best friend, and yet will graduate high school next year and will be off to college - then he will be gone too. I am also the type of person that will get too comfortable in a routine, and will get bored, and depressed, and that coupled with loneliness tends to be a trigger. I am also a libertarian, very much so. And herein lies another problem - I currently work for local government, enforcing code violations and ordinances, a majority of which I don't agree with. I have freedom of being on the road much of the day when I want and seeing different people around town, but I got into this job because I wanted to help people (prevent them from getting sick by making sure restaurants stay clean, saving people money by making sure septics get installed right, helping the environment by enforcing against property and environment destruction, etc). But after having been in the field for a few years... I have come to realize it is the opposite. It is politics. It is making the boss look good and covering his ass - by enforcing the most asinine of issues against tax-paying individuals and small, struggling businesses which more often than not end up RUINING people's lives and business that they have worked so hard for - or at least ruining their day. I have come to hate what I do, and just as much hate the people I work for. I do their dirty work, and feel like a government thug. It is just is not me. A large part of that is what made me relapse the last time and the time before that. I wake up late for work, disagree with my boss about almost everything (not out of spite, just because I genuinely do), and don't believe in the work anymore. And my BA is in Anthropology so it would be hard just jumping into another career from here without some type of experience.
I've also never been good with women (which I get depressed about... also another trigger for using - I know I'm not bad looking though, people tell me all the time - so it's just my "game" I guess (I hate using that word). So no girlfriend (hardly any, ever). No kids either. Don't know if I'd really want any...
Right now I am clean physically (except for a mild-moderate Kratom dependence that I feel kind of "ehh" about). So I have recently strongly considered finally taking a move for myself, instead of satisfying everyone else with my conformity. I want to join the Peace Corps. After my Peace Corps service, unless I love it so much and decide to continue serving, I plan to use the allowance money they give (around $8000 before taxes) and use it to travel a bit more on my own, before maybe going to Southeast Asia to teach English, make more money (I hear $$ in South Korea isn't half bad teaching English), use that money to travel more, maybe stay in a monastery in India and/or Tibet or something for awhile, work on a winery in Italy/a farm in Ireland/a hostel in France/whatever, work at a hotel in Bali... travel more, maybe start an online business or blog or something... etc... after that who knows... and after more than 2 years in the Peace Corps, I will probably have not touched an opiate, or most likely even Kratom, for enough time to not miss it anymore (I honestly don't feel my addiction has been long, strong or continuous enough to crave it after that amount of time), and I will have my dream of a life of traveling back. At that point who knows what I will have experienced or what I will discover I want to do in life or who I will have met or whatever... just, whatever! Who knows! All I know here is that here I feel dead. A big part of what would stop me from making the jump and going though is 1) my student loan debt, which who knows how I would pay while traveling, working and living in 3rd world countries (I know I can defer it while in Peace Corps but after that - no idea), and 2) I feel very close to my family, despite how much they annoy me, but I will especially miss my brother and my mom - and the comfortable Sunday afternoons and movie nights we would always have and spend together...
And my Dad was just recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's... I was never very close with him, but still... I wouldn't want to feel like I totally leave them to take care of him... I wouldn't want them thinking I don't care, because that's not true either. So I am looking for opinions and discussion on my situation and choices and desires... does joining Peace Corps and going through with my travel plans sound like a great idea for someone like me in my situation? My friend who joined the peace corps said he loves it... and I love traveling... I still live at home too and haven't been able to move out because I haven't been able to save much money.. spending it either on drugs or even when sober... spending it on like super health foods or something else to replace drugs, due to my obsession with keeping my mind and wallet occupied while living my currently not-so-fulfilling life.
I feel like we are only here once and I am going to turn 30 soon (I'll be 29 next month)... I feel if I am going to do this now is the time, it may finally make me happy and not feel the need for drugs anymore too...
Similar experiences??? Opinions??? Anyone???
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) having a partner is so hyped that people feel abnormal if they don't. Be careful how you are self-talking about that, though. Saying things like "i'm not good with woman" or "it's my game" etc are undermining your confidence and deepening a negative perception you have about yourself into an actual belief. I always found the phrase, "there's no one in my romantic life right now" to be all I needed with right now being the key sub phase. Just concentrate on yourself--on aligning your life with your passions and you will continue to meet people that share them and relationships will evolve. Learning to be alone and enjoy being alone is a great freedom too. When you are acting from need more than interest, relationships get doomed from the start.
