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☮ Social ☮ PD Umph: Hearts Rainbows and Butterflies Social

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Laika said:
I hate me :)
I cannot wait to rid the world, of me.
I say this with a smile on my face, which puts a little bit of urgency to the situation at hand.
I really need to stop being a pussy.
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??? No, don't be like that. Okay.

Though I thnk self-loathing happens to the best of em, damned if the last week of my oewn exstence hasn't been flled with self-disgust. Eee, either its stupid christian guilt or its just an elevator to the next stages.

I vote for the latter though my <3 tells me the former.


Its odd when you truly thkink your own life should end; odder still taking steps towards it...l;ke walking in a dream.

Laika, what prompts you to say suchly?

<3
 
See it hasn't been like that for simply "months" for me, it's been a lifelong curse thus far.

And I haven't been using any drugs. The occasional blaze session and that's it.
Maybe lack of substances is what's keeping me down, but if that's the case then what the hell kind of life is this?
 
Laika said:
Who enjoys letting it remain a mystery on how it will all end for them? I like being in control of situations. And I just don't feel like I'm in any control of my life whatsoever, yet know that there is always that out, and it screams my name daily, no matter how good my mood is. PD isn't the place for this I suppose. Because I don't want to bring anyone down with me. I guess some people can just be so royally fucked in the head that they fail to see the rope dangling down in hand's reach while stuck at the bottom of a well. Perhaps some people just belong down there.
I know how to remain positive, but it doesn't actually mean that I'm positive inside at all. I think being extrovertadly positive balances out how I'm completely negative inwardly. I love keeping people cheered up and trying to bring them back up when they're down. I know how to keep things optimistic but I never react on any of it for myself.
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Get back to the bascs, be yourself for yourself. Sometimes down the well is where we dwell. It ain't so bad, we evolve eyes that can see thru the murk and sharpen our latent senses.

Yar, I could not see life getting worse then this, so- and its not that bad so- I guess you plod on and see what happens, so-

Turn that frown upsde down and all the external work nto internal work; love thyself.

Yes.
 
swilow said:
Laika, what prompts you to say suchly?

<3
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A life long curse. Perhaps being aware that I never needed to be here in the first place, and as my life pans out I simply continue to prove to myself that I serve no purpose and cannot contribute much(if anything) to the world we live in. I don't blame the world for any of my own problems, I hold myself completely responsible and believe there must just be something missing inside my head. A lack of a motivational muscle or something along those lines, even though I can exert moments of dedication towards certain (short term) goals. I just feel like it was all an accident to begin with, people are allowed to put meaning to it, and god bless them when they do. But I cannot help but be stuck feeling like I'm here by accident and my only real purpose is to come and go. I saw it, the gift was given to me and I appreciate the glance at life & existence, but do not know how much the whole life thing is really actually for me.
 
Laika, what you do iin life cannot be quantified. When humans try to do that, we end up in the void of captalism, and then its just a race to the end.

Theres no meaning in life or living, no god or truth , no end or start or point to any of it; it just IS and you riide it how you ride it. Life is/is not an acciidental mutation; we think we are alive, when really, we're just flecks of dust formed by chance into things that grrow and think (sometimes.).

Can you see that the meaning of being alive isn't even iin any meaning, but in the absence of meaning? We are eternally severed from realty by being HUMAN BEANS, and for that we take the long way home, and FUCK don't you see some great things along the way?? :)

Look to the small to fnd the large. What has meaning has no meaning unless it does. Theres nothing to do but do it anyway. I don't know WHAT THE FUCK we are dong on ths planet, if thats what we' are even doing, but damned if 'm not going to just do it anyway.

II wsh I could propely explain what Imean- essentially, WE ARE FREE. <3
 
Laika said:
A life long curse. Perhaps being aware that I never needed to be here in the first place, and as my life pans out I simply continue to prove to myself that I serve no purpose and cannot contribute much(if anything) to the world we live in. I don't blame the world for any of my own problems, I hold myself completely responsible and believe there must just be something missing inside my head. A lack of a motivational muscle or something along those lines, even though I can exert moments of dedication towards certain (short term) goals. I just feel like it was all an accident to begin with, people are allowed to put meaning to it, and god bless them when they do. But I cannot help but be stuck feeling like I'm here by accident and my only real purpose is to come and go. I saw it, the gift was given to me and I appreciate the glance at life & existence, but do not know how much the whole life thing is really actually for me.
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It is always within your power to change your life. Everyone's life has meant something to someone. The next time you get a chance, try to cheer someone up, make someone laugh. It is a strange thing, but somewhere along the line you have probably helped someone.

My point is that most of our actions affect other people in some way, try to make that impact a good thing and your having a purpose. I have friends who think the greatest thing in the world is making other people laugh.

Life is a precious thing, your time on this plane of existence is finite, so try to find something you enjoy and treat other people well. In the grand scheme of the universe, all of our lives seem rather pointless. The idea is that you should enjoy what you have and try to live a good life. Find something that makes you happy and run with it.

Life is full of shit, our job on this earth is to squeeze every last little bit of joy out of it.

You never really know, the simple fact of posting on this forum could have kept some kid from accidentally overdosing or taking a bad mix of things and dying.

Life is all your perspective of it, I used to be where you are and i know it is one of the most terrible feeling ever and it never seems like it will get better, but it can and you can work through this. Find a decent psychologist who is easy to talk to, but more importantly i believe that it is very much about your perspective. Seeing life for all the bullshit and none of those little things that make life worth living.

If your not already i advise you to start getting a decent nights sleep, take some multivitamins, start exercising, and go out into the sun, and just for someone to talk to and vent out all of your feelings a psychologist could be a great thing.....
 
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I totally understand that we are free, and understand your points thoroughly.
That freedom is what makes me happy that I have the open options to come here by accident & go as I please.
 
Yo I was thinking about an explanation of what happens when a person dies, came up with this like an hour or 2 ago and I guess it unifies the opposing beliefs that one goes to a timeless place whatever we may call it and exist there, and the belief that when you're gone and your brain goes dead you're just plain gone. How to combine them?

Well what if the mechanism of death lets you shut down and transcend braincircuit by circuit bringing you into this ego-less timeless place that has both a form of heaven and hell and different rules/forces of nature that have a face that is determined by what your culture has painted on it and you unconsciously integrated. What if time dilation grows exceedingly large up to infinity, so that the closer you come to the point of actual biological death the less time exists at all. So for the dying person time virtually stops leaving you in hyperspace so that your consciousness becomes more and more non-localized melding you with all there is and ever was?

This idea is probably not new but it solves the problem of how to think of a persons existance after they die. This way we can abandon the idea of life after death while the idea of going to heaven or some other place still holds true in a slightly other way than we tend to think about.

Moreover I think it means that it could very well matter in what state of mind you are when you start this journey. It's pretty much like going to a ++++ and staying there indefinitely, so being able to navigate this from experience with stuff like acid and DMT could really help. In buddhism it is believed that it matters if a person is enstranged by facing the light or if he is able to go into it well, what helps though is that just before death many people leave their problems behind and embrace themselves.

Makes me wonder though, what happens to people that get shot in the face or blown to bits?
 
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jamaica0535 said:
It is always within your power to change your life. Everyone's life has meant something to someone. The next time you get a chance, try to cheer someone up, make someone laugh. It is a strange thing, but somewhere along the line you have probably helped someone.

My point is that most of our actions affect other people in some way, try to make that impact a good thing and your having a purpose. I have friends who think the greatest thing in the world is making other people laugh.

Life is a precious thing, your time on this plane of existence is finite, so try to find something you enjoy and treat other people well. In the grand scheme of the universe, all of our lives seem rather pointless. The idea is that you should enjoy what you have and try to live a good life. Find something that makes you happy and run with it.

Life is full of shit, our job on this earth is to squeeze every last little bit of joy out of it.
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I totally understand, and like I said in my post I'm aware and always work hard at making sure people are cheery. Because I KNOW what it takes to be happy and the right things to tell people to change how they're viewing their fucked up situations or whatever is bringing them down. It's what makes it so sad for me to face that I simply cannot get past this. I cannot cheer myself up, I can blind myself temporarily for just so long before it crumbles back inward. It's where I honestly think that there is something unwired inside my brain that's keeping me from helping myself. And it's not like this is just some rut that I'm in. It has been like this for my duration of life so far. It's like some sort of curse.
 
Solipsis said:
Well what if the mechanism of death lets you shut down and transcend braincircuit by circuit bringing you into this ego-less timeless place that has both a form of heaven and hell and different rules/forces of nature that have a face that is determined by what your culture has painted on it and you unconsciously integrated. What if time dilation grows exceedingly large up to infinity, so that the closer you come to the point of actual biological death the less time exists at all. So for the dying person time virtually stops leaving you in hyperspace so that your consciousness becomes more and more non-localized melding you with all there is and ever was?
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This to me is exactly what existence/life is. I feel at death we are stripped of everything we know and then we begin the next journey, until we are lured down a new corridor, convinced by the inhabitants of that corridor that they are aware of their surroundings, and that they've established senses and awareness of their surroundings through time and convincing uncertainty. And we once again, begin the process all over again, only to come to a point where those realm dwellers decide the next phase comes into play, we enter that, and start over AGAIN. An on going, never ending, recreation of self.
 
Laika said:
I totally understand, and like I said in my post I'm aware and always work hard at making sure people are cheery. Because I KNOW what it takes to be happy and the right things to tell people to change how they're viewing their fucked up situations or whatever is bringing them down. It's what makes it so sad for me to face that I simply cannot get past this. I cannot cheer myself up, I can blind myself temporarily for just so long before it crumbles back inward. It's where I honestly think that there is something unwired inside my brain that's keeping me from helping myself. And it's not like this is just some rut that I'm in. It has been like this for my duration of life so far. It's like some sort of curse.
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have you seen a psychologist/psychiatrist?

I would go with a psychologist first, more because they will sit down with you and help you work through issues. Try to find one that is easy to talk to. Its great having someone you can just vent to.

Psychiatrist are generally more better living through Prozac people.... You sit down, talk a bit, and they give you SSRIs.
 
jamaica0535 said:
Life is all your perspective of it, I used to be where you are and i know it is one of the most terrible feeling ever and it never seems like it will get better, but it can and you can work through this. Find a decent psychologist who is easy to talk to, but more importantly i believe that it is very much about your perspective. Seeing life for all the bullshit and none of those little things that make life worth living.

If your not already i advise you to start getting a decent nights sleep, take some multivitamins, start exercising, and go out into the sun, and just for someone to talk to and vent out all of your feelings a psychologist could be a great thing.....
Click to expand...
To reply to your edit:
Once again, I'm aware of the right path to travel down, and recommend it to all travelers. This "terrible feeling" as you call it, is something that I'm not just going through momentarily, it's something that has been there since as far back as I can actually remember. I see the beautiful things, I stop and smell the flowers and appreciate it ALL. Yet have a loathing of myself that I cannot get rid of. I have a problem with psychologists though, I just cannot face them & I know I wouldn't be able to properly open up to them and it would just result in me wasting both time & money. I can try to change, and believe me, I try. Some people are just broken, and I believe that for sure after watching the way my life has unfolded so far.
 
I take 5htp somewhat regularly at times, which I feel works a little better than St John's, and though it helps combat negative thoughts I'm still stuck with the feelings of bleakness amidst a beautiful scene. A needle in a hay stack if you will. Like I said it doesn't need to necessarily be feelings of depression and being down. It almost feels like over-awareness I suppose. I see the beauty & I see the ugliness. I know how to enjoy life, I know fun, I know happiness, even though they only seem like small bursts at times. I feel thankful that I can make it all go away when I please, knowing that no matter how bad it gets, when it gets worst than the worst it can get I can still make it all go away. I don't feel like it's too twisted of a view personally. But I know everyone else would see it as somewhat warped.
 
Laika said:
Some people are just broken, and I believe that for sure after watching the way my life has unfolded so far.
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I'm sorry dude but thats a cop out

You need to change your thought process into a different direction man

Ive been suicidal at times too and tried to overdose on purpose a few times with heroin. But Im so glad I came out of it because now things have gotten so good. You just gotta have hope :)
 
Yeah, well hope is what I lack, and I can attempt to change it all, I can even in fact change it, but I simply cannot change myself, at all. I think it would be a cop out for someone else, who hasn't felt like this for their entire life. But like I said, I think we're all born differently and some people are just born the way they are and no matter how much they alter their surroundings you cannot dig out your roots when you're already a blossomed tree. SOME things, never change. They don't have all these sayings because they don't relate to the way people feel.
 
I am too tired to read everyone's posts now.

But I want you all to know I love you. And that you can overcome anything.

It is all within you. In ending my own suffering, I have found the love in me, that exists within us all.

And I'm sober. to put it out there ;)
 
Ive seen the real you Dan and your a beautiful person <3

The world would lose something very special if you left it

Let the universe decide when it wants you back. Theres just some decision's you shouldn't make yourself
 
Looking past how you feel right now is hard, I know that. These days I fluctuate between hopelessness, being fed up with life, everything and just feeling barely okay and thinking that it will get better in time...

Maybe you could try reading some basic NLP, it has definitely helped me. It shows you how to take a meta-position and see your own thought processes and interfere where it goes wrong. Where you keep getting into negative self reinforcing spirals.
Whenever I use NLP I feel like waking up from making myself suffer endlessly, it's not a miracle cure but I really feel that in time negative spirals can be directed in another way helping you into an upward spiral.

Warmest regards man
 
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