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☮ Social ☮ PD Social Thread: Trans-dimensional Hyperspace Cocktail Bar - Fractals Apply Within

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Laika said:
The medicaid thing is something I can't get in Florida for some reason. I would just have to seek some alternative health insurance for broke jokes.

The loan thing seems sensible but I fear it will lead to a worse situation. I really want to save a move like that for when that is all that's left. It's starting to feel like it, but I'm still trying to hold onto the idea of something falling into my lap that makes life easier. I'm a giant doofus who seems to do everything the wrong way. It leads to embarrassment and people being confused as to why someone like me would not be more proactive. It's something that I've been doing since as far back as I can remember, a general disinterest in anything and everything for the most part. I never put my heart into anything and as shitty as a situation I find myself in, I'd just prefer to accept it than to try and change it.
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Sometimes you gotta fight for shit, man. <3 It's clear that it affects you negatively, so you've just got to take steps to fix it. Sometimes they're hard, but you gotta do what you gotta do, or else the world will run you over. Every living thing has to fight to stay alive. It's just the way it is. But it can be so satisfying when you do and succeed, and you can get to a better place.
 
But are loans and debts really putting up a fight? Or just using a safety net? Some nights I stay up all night waiting for the "idea" to pop in my head. I know I'm not the only one. Even people with jobs that pay well have to have something eating at their minds that they can't put their fingers on that would make life better. I really don't believe that every living thing has to fight to stay alive. It doesn't have to be that way.
 
But life isn't just easy street, sometimes you have to work really hard and fight against the current to get to where you want to be.

And yeah I do know what you're talking about, I have so many ideas and some of them I know I need to make happen. I've started a few, like the painting. And writing. But there is more, I can feel it.

EDIT: Oh hey, I got my TR mod spot back! That was quick, I got nominated because HisNameIsFrank stepped down. :)
 
just gonna put it out there that you could potentially find a job online somehow, or you could work from home.

also, i'm pretty positive a motorcycle is way cheaper than a car most of the time %)

as for eating, maybe you could grow some of your own food?

if only weed were legal then the simple solution would be to grow weed. stoopid lawz
 
Yeah good point SONN, and a smaller motorized scooter is even cheaper. Though if you have to go 40 miles for a job, it might be a little impractical since they don't go super fast and if you have to drive on a highway it's a definite no. But a motorcycle would be fine.
 
That fucking sucks, Likeah :/


tnw, have u considered picking up a trade? I know you can't get student loans, but in time it seems like you might be able to set something up.
 
I'm sorry you're having a hard time Laika, if you ever need to talk, you know where to IM me at. <3

On another note, hells yeah, my ex's van was scrapped like a year ago and it didn't occur to me to take it off my car insurance. Now I did, and it dropped from $76 a month to $48! Yeah buddy! I actually have pretty cheap car insurance now. Like 5 years ago I got in an accident and for three years it was at $168 a month. 8( But now $48, it's almost a quarter of what I used to pay. That makes me hapy. :) And also that I just went out and bought a shitload of fruit and vegetables, some sprouted brown rice, coconut milk, and I have plans to make two sauces for use in stir fry, a Thai peanut coconut sauce, and a tomato red curry Indian sauce.

I seriously feel like this is a miracle, post-ibogaine, after it all came together 2 Saturdays ago, I just have this zest for living in a new way and behaving in more healthy patterns. Always in the past, I didn't WANT to do this, I sometimes did but I could never stick to it. Now for the first time I feel joy at living in this new way. It feels so good, I never want to stop. :) That is how I know I am finally free of opiates forever. Because I have no desire for them at all, and I have so many other things making me feel good, and my life is looking more and more up. Ibogaine is truly a miracle medicine for life. <3 I can imagine that anyone could benefit from it, addiction or not.
 
The weirdest shit just happened. A regular car pulled into my driveway so I went outside to see who it was. It was a guy and he hands me a badge and says he's with some bureau I have never heard of, something like the Department of Internal Trust or something like that. He said I've probably never heard of them but they deal with determining if certain people are trustworthy to hold position of importance to national security.

At first I was freaking out, like something had gone down with me... maybe my importing of drugs, who knows. Then he said he was checking on my previous neighbor who rented the house across the street until mid-last year. He proceeded to ask me ALL sorts of question about if I knew if he expressed preference for another country, if he had ever harbored foreign people secretly, lots and lots of stuff. And he asked me to tell him everything I knew about him, which wasn't much, I didn't really know him, just had a few interactions. He questioned me about it for the past half hour. He was super nice though. What a weird thing to happen... I wonder what's up with my old neighbor?

But man, as soon as he handed me the badge and said he was looking for me, my life flashed before my eyes, there are so many things it could have been for, especially drugs in the mail. 8(
 
How long did you use opiates Xorkoth? How did it begin and when it became a problem or when you became addicted? I'm so happy you got clean :) I have no idea how bad addiction can be but it seems to really dull life.

How's your ex btw, have you talked to her, is she better? I heard that my ex has some form of schizophrenia, she told me it a few weeks ago. She already have so much problems in her life that's it really sad. She's 21 years old and have spinal disc herniation which is this condition that she's suffering of back pains and needs opioid medication for that and there is no real fix for this. She is going to have a major surgery on this summer and there's a real risk that she could become paralyzed. I just don't know how one person can get so much shit, what did she ever do to deserve a life like that.
 
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Oh man, that sucks. :(

I used opiates for 10 years with a few 2 week to month breaks, and one time I quit for a year (4 years ago to 3 years ago). Other than that, daily (or every other day with poppy tea, but basically as soon as I stopped feeling it I would take more, or like 5 times a day with kratom) for 10 years. I got addicted real fast, I found kratom and it used to make me feel so fucking amazing. I started doing it every day instantly, 1 or 2 times a day. After a couple of months my next shipment weirdly redirected all over the country multiple times, and took 4 days longer to arrive, and I had some withdrawals, they took me totally by surprise. In retrospect I could sleep and wasn't too antsy, but the depression and anxiety were terrible, worse than any other time, probably because of the surprise. By the time the package came I was over it and felt fine... I should have realized I needed to stop but I eagerly tore the package open and started the cycle again. And again. And again. It got worse and worse as the years went on. It's a miracle I am off them now and less than 2 weeks after my last dose (though I stopped using except for one slip-up 3 weeks ago), less than 2 weeks after I feel great and changed.

My ex is doing alright, she can talk to me fine whenever we talk, she seems normal. Her mom says she has good days and bad days. At first she was going to a doctor but she said they kept wanting to give her drugs and she doesn't believe in drugs and wants to do it herself. I think it's a bad choice but I didn't tell her that, she doesn't want to hear it. The fact that she converses so much better is a good sign though. I am hoping she gets her shit sorted out and can start to function in the world again. I love her, even though I am not in love with her anymore, and I want her to be happy and fulfilled. I never want to say it but when was going downhill and having psychotic episodes all I could think was schizophrenia. So I really hope that's not it and that she was just utterly shell-shocked from my constant lying and addiction (she couldn't trust a word I said anymore, she even told me she thought I was in the mob because my family is from Chicago and my grandpa and uncle had associations... out of necessity since they owned property and were police, the mob had them on the payroll, you can't refuse that sort of thing in the 50s and 60s in Chicago) if you're a cop and own a parking garage). I can believe it drove her kinda nuts, which I feel really bad about. And besides that she worked her whole life, so hard, to become a concert pianist, and she has the ability, she's amazing. But it's like once out of grad school she just couldn't do it, and I think she realizes now that it probably won't ever happen, she's too far behind, almost 31 years old, most of the competitions have an age limit less than that and that's usually how people break in, by winning a big competition. So I could believe if she just had a nervous breakdown, but it still creeped me out, especially the first weird incident where she suddenly jumped up from near sleep and started looking out all the windows with paranoia, and tell me that she knows something is going on and she knows I know about it and I better just tell her. I kept saying nothing is going on and finally she ran at me angrily, I thought she was going to start beating on me but she started feverishly unbuttoning my shirt, then 2/3 of the way through she stopped and visibly calmed and I asked her carefully what was up, and she said let's never speak of this again. Then she walked to bed but flashed an angry look at me and said she would appreciate it if I would tell her when something is going on. Then that was the end of it. It really creeped me out a lot, it was when I first thought of the big S word.
 
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Yeah you told that same story before about her unbuttoning your shirt and paranoia etc. Weird stuff indeed.. did she get any diagnosis from doctor?

I still love my ex and will always love but I don't see any future between us. I think we will remain friends for the rest of our lives, we have this deep connection because it was the first real relationship for both of us when we were younger but in the end it is not going to work out. Well, we had sex a few months ago and I've seen her after that and it's been fun, but I think there is no possibility for real relationship because she has too much shit going on in her life, her family is fucked up etc. Too much things going on and we both know it wouldn't work, at least for now. Maybe in some day but I'm ok with this. We still chat almost every day and have long phone conversations. And it's been like over 5 years when we were dating, and we were just kids then. But we have reconnected many times in these past years but life always seems to put some barriers between us.
 
JP? <3

xammy: Similar for me, we got together at 18, at the beginning of college, it's been my only full relationship, I went out with a girl for 2 years in high school and we were "in love" but it was kid stuff. My ex wife and I have a deep connection as well although it's strained now and a bit awkward. But I love her, a lot. But loving someone is very different from being in love. Nothing like that will ever happen between us again, it's gone. It still makes me sad to have lost that sometimes, for months it was like I had a hole inside of me. 12 years together, that's a long fucking time, and all but the last year or two was really good, I was happy with her, and loved her so much. But hey, life goes on. Someday I'll find someone else to love like that. :) In the meantime, it's nice being single for the first time in my adult life.

MAN, what a fucking work day. I just stopped working, it's been 11 hours non-stop. I am SO ready to eat this pot pie, cook up two stir fry sauces, and smoke a bowl, and then write a bunch more of my ibogaine report. :)

EDIT: But I notice that I have the stamina for 11 hour intense workdays now. On opiates or in withdrawal (especially) I had to take breaks like every hour, everything was too energy-sapping. Now I have loads of energy at the end of the day, I could have kept working but of course I didn't want to. I think the ibogaine afterglow has returned now that the opiates are totally out of my system. I'm so happy about, I was so pissed at myself for slipping (I had jratom because I had taken too much baclofen and felt horrible and was freaking out a bit, and then it just knocked that post-ibogaine euphoria into the ground and sent me back into minor withdrawal for over a week. Now that I'm past it, it's yummy.
 
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Xorkoth said:
The weirdest shit just happened. A regular car pulled into my driveway so I went outside to see who it was. It was a guy and he hands me a badge and says he's with some bureau I have never heard of, something like the Department of Internal Trust or something like that. He said I've probably never heard of them but they deal with determining if certain people are trustworthy to hold position of importance to national security.

At first I was freaking out, like something had gone down with me... maybe my importing of drugs, who knows. Then he said he was checking on my previous neighbor who rented the house across the street until mid-last year. He proceeded to ask me ALL sorts of question about if I knew if he expressed preference for another country, if he had ever harbored foreign people secretly, lots and lots of stuff. And he asked me to tell him everything I knew about him, which wasn't much, I didn't really know him, just had a few interactions. He questioned me about it for the past half hour. He was super nice though. What a weird thing to happen... I wonder what's up with my old neighbor?
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Hah, that's a routine part of background check for someone applying to a government or contractor job with security clearance. So it means he applied to a job with access to sensitive information, not that he's in any kind of trouble.
 
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