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☮ Social ☮ PD Social Thread: Trans-dimensional Hyperspace Cocktail Bar - Fractals Apply Within

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I'm prescribed daily, and can take more for sleep. I'm not messing with that, since I don't have a panic problem, but rather a chronic gnawing that prevents me from doing basic things, like making proper meals (I'm back down below 130lbs), I just wander randomly or down and try to read all day as my sober defaults, failing at life hard. I was given leave to mess with the dosage, tried the higher recommended amount this morning, did my volunteer work, decided I needed coffee, but was gonna sit on my bed for a sec....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....5 hours later here I am. Hahhaha. I'll have to mess with it and see what makes me most functional, and I'll probably gain some tolerance to the hypnotic effect quickly enough.

My biggest fear is redosing, especially during that pleasant comeup phase, and basically eating them like candy while blacked out/wasting my 'script and gaining a worse anxiety problem/addiction. I'm fine a with a slight dependency and eventual tapering, if that allows me to do the basic necessities of living life in society. And stops my brain from tormenting me so much.

Anyway, I'd never done much in the way of benzos before, so I'm only now really getting a feel for the headpspace. It's interesting, but my brain disturbs me with thoughts like, "this is pleasant, but what it really needs is an opiate to be proper."

most fun thing ever was to take 1 or 2mg of xanax and go out to eat, i just wouldn't give a fuck and i'd end up ordering half the menu lol
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You'd be a fun meal guest, just so long as you were picking up the tab. ;) I plan on sticking to dose with breakfast, then dose before bed if needed. Following orders, basically.
 
Never Knows Best said:
I'm fine a with a slight dependency and eventual tapering, if that allows me to do the basic necessities of living life in society.
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If I were in your position, I would really try to avoid that (knowing what I know now). Benzo dependence leads to significant neurological and immunological changes in the body that never heal. Just be careful bro, make an honest assessment of the situation -- its a pretty drastic measure to hop on a daily benzo script, so just be aware of that.. I'm only saying this because becoming dependent on benzos was the dumbest thing I ever did to myself. Honestly it permafucked me in a lot of ways. If you find benzos helpful, my sincere advice is to try to just use them as needed. Its really the only way to use them thats feasible imho.
 
its a pretty drastic measure to hop on a daily benzo scrip
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If I don't stand to benefit from this, then who does? What do I have to lose?

I spent half the summer feeling like I was losing my mind (eventually realized that was just a feeling, but then thought came that sane people don't sit around feeling like they're going crazy...) and in general too agitated to do anything at all, and things haven't gotten that much better.

This is me these days:
A Scanner Darkly said:
I can't any longer these days see into myself. I see only murk. Murk outside; murk inside. I hope, for everyone's sake, the scanners do better. Because if the scanner sees only darkly, the way I myself do, then we are cursed, cursed again and like we have been continually, and we'll wind up dead this way, knowing very little and getting that little fragment wrong too."
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I mean, I'll try to keep in mind the danger and the need to taper down ASAP. I know how much damage some folks did with their high-dose years-long habits. And that does frighten me, but I feel pretty good about this, it's the best shot I've had in the last 4.5+ years.

But let's end things pleasantly.
 
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Never Knows Best said:
But let's end things pleasantly.
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hey man i just want to reach out for a second. it sounds like you might not want to discuss this anymore but I've always felt I could relate to you so i feel like this might be mentioning:

I too have anxiety issues that often manifest themselves in me really not wanting to leave the house and weird mental blocks against being productive. I honestly do not think benzos could address those issues. Benzos are great at addressing panic attacks and putting me to sleep but I have never felt like they did anything to address those chronic/underlying issues of mine. Giving myself obligations that I simply cannot back out of and avoiding prolonged downtime are things that seem to help me get out of the house and accomplish things, which subsequently leaves me feeling happy and not depressed.

I wish you all the best and want you to take the steps you need to to feel well. I wouldn't assume your psychiatrist really knows what is best for you tho. No offense to the good ones that must be out there but I have seen a number of psychiatrists and none of them have given me anything that has helped me grow or be a happier person. In fact it seems like they didn't understand at all the "real-world" effects of the drugs they were prescribing to me and/or simply did not give a fuck about the wants and needs i expressed. alright, peace and love.
 
you might not want to discuss this anymore
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Please discuss whenever you feel the need, on here, or in PMs if I'm bringing in too much bad juju with my personal stuff. I trust PDers to have my best interests in heart, and empathize with me more than anyone else on in this awe(some/ful) world.

Giving myself obligations that I simply cannot back out
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Short of a prison sentence, I don't think there is an obligation that I can't back out of...see dropping out of college three times, ditching one of the 2 interviews I had during the 2 year period I was actually trying to get a job, moving into an abandoned building for a month to avoid having to deal with demands of being part of a household, quitting the bridge club I enjoyed because I would rather not deal with anxiety the meets would cause me.

I just want to calm my brain to the point where I can force myself to do things, and to not be constantly obsessed with how everything will go horribly forever no matter what (i.e. see how individual actions I take will lead to positive outcomes, and not just make me end up slightly wealthier and still terribly lonely and alienated in a worthless shadow-life). I wish they prescribed dexamyl or something like that, that might be interesting, but oh well.

Anyway, I have been ready to jump onto any habit that came along, it just so happens I was browbeaten into seeking legit medical help before money and meth/opiates came my way. I'm hoping once I am living a "socially productive" lifestyle, I'll achieve some mental stability (long has that been my theory, I just haven't been able get there), and then go to a take as needed drug habit to help me get out of my comfort zone and self-actualize.

Nevertheless, I do see the threat. I have been faced with temptations to just take more even when anxiety is reduced to manageable levels (still playing around with dose to find lowest effective dose), just because I had been at some birthday dinner and watching the togetherness of other groups of patrons made me lonely.
 
Never Knows Best said:
Please discuss whenever you feel the need, on here, or in PMs if I'm bringing in too much bad juju with my personal stuff. I trust PDers to have my best interests in heart, and empathize with me more than anyone else on in this awe(some/ful) world.



Short of a prison sentence, I don't think there is an obligation that I can't back out of...see dropping out of college three times, ditching one of the 2 interviews I had during the 2 year period I was actually trying to get a job, moving into an abandoned building for a month to avoid having to deal with demands of being part of a household, quitting the bridge club I enjoyed because I would rather not deal with anxiety the meets would cause me.

I just want to calm my brain to the point where I can force myself to do things, and to not be constantly obsessed with how everything will go horribly forever no matter what (i.e. see how individual actions I take will lead to positive outcomes, and not just make me end up slightly wealthier and still terribly lonely and alienated in a worthless shadow-life). I wish they prescribed dexamyl or something like that, that might be interesting, but oh well.

Anyway, I have been ready to jump onto any habit that came along, it just so happens I was browbeaten into seeking legit medical help before money and meth/opiates came my way. I'm hoping once I am living a "socially productive" lifestyle, I'll achieve some mental stability (long has that been my theory, I just haven't been able get there), and then go to a take as needed drug habit to help me get out of my comfort zone and self-actualize.

Nevertheless, I do see the threat. I have been faced with temptations to just take more even when anxiety is reduced to manageable levels (still playing around with dose to find lowest effective dose), just because I had been at some birthday dinner and watching the togetherness of other groups of patrons made me lonely.
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Are you me from the future? Because I've dropped out of college twice, and I almost ditched the first interview I've had in a year and a half... plus I know exactly where you're coming from with the anxiety about how everything will go wrong forever regardless of what I do.

My best advice would be to read The Myth of Sisyphus, life is absurd and impossible to truly control, you just have to go with it. I'd go into more detial but Camus does a much better job laying it out than I ever could here.
 
Never Knows Best said:
I'm hoping once I am living a "socially productive" lifestyle, I'll achieve some mental stability
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You will absolutely get there man :) And I know you will find a job/way to live that you feel is rewarding and beneficial to people around you and also provides a comfortable life for you. Sounds like the meds are giving you what you need right now, i just got a little worried when your first experience was sleeping through volunteer work. I will absolutely PM you if I feel I have anymore "useful" advice.
 
aRE YOU REAL OR a ferret> everythingsingsodglksdg so bendy. decided proper dissociation was in order, if even if it went with cpm. so somthing over 720mg in m e over threeeeeee hours poeriouds. Was interestng. At first the summer world tried to hold on, but the hufall ripped off her shirt and we aw the world as it truly was, naked dream.
 
I've been traying to get her but was trapped in a daft punk album on my other computer. .I catn' interenet. but this ones can. We should really be here fore each other when we rearrange the woven threads of realityl. I keep transportating in different times and places. Not sure which worth this is. Must be same one , but you really should do that to an aegg.
 
well, to post here you must first be a little off in the first place anyway...

still. funny, wouldve been even funnier if there was a dictionary autocorrect at work while typing.

personally, when im out there as such, i cant post to save my life, my eyes would be burning from the screen not to mention being afraid of the keys in the keyboard...
 
Looks like somebody had fun last night. %)

I think I know what I was talking about half the time, though I'm not sure what I was telling you to do to an egg, I'm sure it was a profound metaphysical statement or something. I don't remember much at all. As far the bending goes, I think dissociatives affect my depth perception so that my center of focus appears nearest to me, and thing seem further back as you go towards the peripheries, sorta like the fish eye effect, combine that with vertigo, and it's always interesting.

Anyway, with the first post I had come back from a walk, and associated the dream like/impressionist appearance of things (where the feelings objects invoke, or my feelings projected upon them) takes primacy over their physical reality. Second post, was listening to music on my computer while losing coherency, sort of hopping around random musics, went full on dissociated (and thus unable to alter my music) when I had the tron legacy sound track on, and that really had an influence on my mind movies/hallucinations. Darker than normal, and rather tron-themed (yes, there was a light cycle chase at some point). When I figured out how to move I decided to come check on y'all (that togetherness bit meaning we should communicate while out of it, or trip together sometime). I guess I still couldn't recognize exactly who or where I was, and kept shifting (don't really recall), eventually things got more OEV-ish and the furniture in the dark were the gnomes probably, kept on appearing and disappearing at random, and double vision was pretty bad at that point. Pretty good time, I had know idea who or where I was through most of it, or thought I knew and was completely wrong, and that's how I like it.

And I was good enough this morning to help put up a fence in the back, so all went well.
 
Never Knows Best said:
Looks like somebody had fun last night. %)

I think I know what I was talking about half the time, though I'm not sure what I was telling you to do to an egg, I'm sure it was a profound metaphysical statement or something. I don't remember much at all. As far the bending goes, I think dissociatives affect my depth perception so that my center of focus appears nearest to me, and thing seem further back as you go towards the peripheries, sorta like the fish eye effect, combine that with vertigo, and it's always interesting.

Anyway, with the first post I had come back from a walk, and associated the dream like/impressionist appearance of things (where the feelings objects invoke, or my feelings projected upon them) takes primacy over their physical reality. Second post, was listening to music on my computer while losing coherency, sort of hopping around random musics, went full on dissociated (and thus unable to alter my music) when I had the tron legacy sound track on, and that really had an influence on my mind movies/hallucinations. Darker than normal, and rather tron-themed (yes, there was a light cycle chase at some point). When I figured out how to move I decided to come check on y'all (that togetherness bit meaning we should communicate while out of it, or trip together sometime). I guess I still couldn't recognize exactly who or where I was, and kept shifting (don't really recall), eventually things got more OEV-ish and the furniture in the dark were the gnomes probably, kept on appearing and disappearing at random, and double vision was pretty bad at that point. Pretty good time, I had know idea who or where I was through most of it, or thought I knew and was completely wrong, and that's how I like it.

And I was good enough this morning to help put up a fence in the back, so all went well.
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Sounds like a good time, may I ask what you took?
 
Oh, DXM, unfortunately I used a CPM containing variety so I could get double the DXM (~720mg) for my very limited money, I mean, it synergizes well, but I do feel bad about doing something so unhealthy. Also took 1.5mg lorazepam. So now I don't need to worry about dissociatives until somewhere in the December-February range, since I like to keep my experiences spaced out these days.
 
Never Knows Best said:
Oh, DXM, unfortunately I used a CPM containing variety so I could get double the DXM (~720mg) for my very limited money, I mean, it synergizes well, but I do feel bad about doing something so unhealthy. Also took 1.5mg lorazepam. So now I don't need to worry about dissociatives until somewhere in the December-February range, since I like to keep my experiences spaced out these days.
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Back when I was doing DXM a lot I shoplifted it, definitely not proud of that, now I pay and remind myself I can't get any other psychedelics for free so why shouldn't I just pay for this one too. I haven't done it in over a year though, but talking about it on here the past few days has me wanting to take some, lay back, and listen to some music until I can't really hear it anymore. SPacing is definitely a good idea, especially to avoid hitting "the wall"
 
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