Congrats on the little ones in your family willow.
My first and only nephew (or niece) is my ex's sister's son, he's 2, almost 3... I haven't seen him in almost a year though. I love that boy so much, we had an instant connection, I taught him about how to walk and everything. It's the hardest part of not being with her anymore.
Last night I went over to my friend's place to jam, and I had asked him if he wanted to trip this weekend. When I got there he was like okay, want some 4-AcO-DMT? I didn't realize he meant yesterday to trip, he doesn't work today so it was best for him. So we took 20mg of MXE and then an hour later, 30mg of 4-AcO-DMT. We jammed for a while first and started trying to write a song. Then once the 4-AcO-DMT hit, we couldn't even talk anymore. At first it was almost too much, I haven't had 4-AcO-DMT since 2008 but it felt exactly the same as ever, like oral smoked DMT. In combo with MXE it had this quality that's difficult to describe but it was definitely powerful. After a while I went outside, and the full force of the Fall-into-Winter feelings hit me. I started feeling a bit depressed and went back inside, and my friend put on music. It was Kanye West's "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy". I sat there in front of the speakers and closed my eyes and got into it. Really genius album... behind my eyes it seemed as if I was on a conveyor belt of colorless shapes that loomed towards me, and they told a complex, nonlinear emotional story.
I started thinking about Flynn (the girl I've been seeing who is in California for a couple of months). The subject matter of the album fit quite well with that line of thought but it was involuntary. I was calmly and peacefully thinking about her and as the album got more and more intense and into the subject matter, I began considering how I feel and want to proceed with her. Right at this PERFECT moment of conflict and yearning, in this precise moment that was utterly perfect, she actually called me. Now you have to understand that I have been wanting to hear her voice and talk to her since she left a couple of weeks ago, but she's been in the mountains in northern Cali and rarely has reception. She was going to call me yesterday but wasn't able to. Originally my plan for the evening had been to stay home and do house stuff and be ready to answer if she called, but the night unfolded differently.
As soon as she called, before I looked, I knew it HAD to be her, the timing was just too incredible for it to be anyone else. And sure enough it was her. This sent me on an hours-long, intense struggle within myself. It was one thing to be thinking of her peacefully inside my own mind, but now she had interacted directly with this experience. The music shifted to Kanye's ruminations on choosing drugs over a woman. I felt, in the moment, a bitter irony that I was too fucked up to talk to her in the one time she could call (I literally could not get words out for the peak 2 hours of this trip). I seemed to reach an understanding about that very subject. I chose drugs over my last relationship, and the fact that I was on them right then seemed to drive home to me that that's what I might do. She texted me then from someone else's number, saying her phone ran out right when she was calling me. Then she called me again from that number right as Kanye is telling his woman to run away from him as fast as she can. It's not that that's how I feel really but in my trip, I felt it was highly symbolic. I felt very guilty that I wasn't answering her. As time went on I imagined her sitting there hoping I would call back, wondering if I wasn't answering because I didn't want to talk, wondering if I was going to forget about her since she had to leave before things really developed fully between us. I pained me for her to feel this way - though in likelihood, upon sober reflection, she probably didn't think that, she probably just assumed I couldn't talk then, but this is such a new thing, and she left almost as long ago as the total time we had spent together. The entire rest of the album seemed incredibly, intricately tied to all the thoughts I was having. It was one of the most powerful album listening experiences I have ever had.
Eventually it ended, and I indicated to my friends that my mind was blown by making an exploding gesture out of my forehead. I found words at last and described to my friend who was tripping with me what happened, and he already knew somehow and it had tripped him out as well. He said right as the phone rang he knew it was her, that it had to be her. I had a beer and began to feel calm... I decided I'd call her back once I could talk on the phone, and in the meantime my other friends were cooking dinner and hanging out. I shifted slowly into a truly wonderful state of being, which reminded me very much of the plateau/tail end of mushrooms, with a jovial, communicative and euphoric state in which I spoke eloquently and with great humor. We went outside for a bit and I stood on this broken chair that I have an ongoing thing with... I use it for balance training, I try to stand on it and keep my balance and rotate a full 360 degrees without touching anything for support. As time has gone on it's gotten harder because the wheels have been falling off and now it has no wheels and about 50 different centers of balance as you rotate and it shifts on its broken base. I found that standing on the ground I could barely keep my balance simply standing on one foot, but on this chair I was effortlessly keeping my balance. I hadn't even managed to rotate one full time thus far with all the wheels broken, but I managed to go around 12 times in a row last night, and I just stopped eventually because my friend was super nervous I was going to fall (I never have). My balance on thsi chair was uncanny, by far the best it has ever been, even sober.
I began to explore the issue that's been on my mind recently... the fact that I like two different women right now. There's Erica, the one I met first. When I met her, it was like a lightning bolt, this really intense, immediate feeling, but after a week of hanging out and talking a lot she pulled back, due to being confused about what she wants in life. Since then she's been frustratingly unavailable but still periodically gets ahold of me to let me know she's sorry and she wants to hang out with me but she's been feeling super antisocial and isn't sure if she should get into anything (getting divorced and has a small child and also had a short, intense relationship already shortly after separating with her husband that didn't end well). But like, if I see her picture on Facebook I still get this intense pang of longing that's really powerful. She's slowly fading from my mind since I met the other girl, but she's still there and I am still curious about what could possibly happen. When we met I had this feeling that this could be the person for me. Plus she's one of the most beautiful women I've ever met, more beautiful than the current one. She's beautiful too but just less so. On the other hand, when I met the current girl, it was not an instant thing like that. It was a thing that developed smoothly, based on spending a lot of time together, physical intimacy, and conversation/sharing. I think it's more of a real thing, something built on actual stuff. I think I should forget about Erica, it seems like it wouldn't be a healthy thing for me at this point, it would probably just lead me to being disappointed and/or frustrated. I think I gained some clarity on this matter although it's not like I stopped liking two different people at once. It's a relatively confusing but ultimately kind of nice situation to be in, a situation I have never been in before.
The rest of the night, I gradually came down and kept feeling wonderful. Eventually I called her back, but she was out of range again. I left a message and also responded to her text. Hopefully she'll be able to call back today.
I haven't tripped like that in a long time, a full-on trip with all the ups and downs, synchronicity, and re-emergence. Wow is all I can say, that was my best 4-AcO-DMT trip I have ever had. Difficult for the peak, but amazing and beautiful and so relevant to my life.
