Me to, things have really gone downhill for me lately, it's just like one thing after another. I've really been using a lot lately to compensate and I can feel the apathy taking hold again. I just wish everything could stop most times...
I wish you happiness and everything you desire 
Hey everyone
How are you? Stick around, there are less of us now and we say less but what we say is just as important as ever!! 
Thanks my brother, I somethimes wish things...could just stop so I could catch a breather. Over these past few years things have just kept piling on. You'd think having to deal with such rough things a brother could finally catch a break but for me it never quite seems to be the case. I really hoped living through such a terrible childhood filled with constant misery could have counted for something but as always things continue to pile on one after another. Constant aniexty and insomnia have taken such a toll and with things as they are now, I truly fear that one of these days I'll chose another route and finally get some of that eternal rest.^That's no good brother
2C-B accompanied me on a very cam and peaceful NYE, just with my girlfriend up on the coast. We managed to position ourselves around the bay so that we could see Melbourne in the distance (80km away over Port Phillip Bay) and the distant flashing lights of NY fireworks was really fucking strange and eerie. Silently flashing lights in the sky...
I think thats my last trip for sometime, it was beautiful with sensual love-making and bodily contact and I wish to maintain the glow
In-ear monitoring is the only way to go, just a simple headphone mix is adequate. That or ear-plugs. I have quite bad damage to my ears from excessively loud noise and it doesn't get better... Be cautious, tinnitus and high frequency loss is frustrating....
Thank whoever for things like MXE and psychedelics to bring things in perspective and bring me back "home". Also super glad to hear you and others had such a great NYE. It always brightens my spirits to read of my compadres good times. I wish I had someone who could be my rock and support me through such times but those things never work out for me. Your truly lucky to have mrs.swillow in that regard! Ahh maybe someday! Also cool to hear you were able to see NYC's fireworks from aussieland, never knew such things were possible. I've always loved watching such shows in an altered state, brings me beauty and serenity.
Eternal rest has been my dream now for years. My life has held such beauty, more so than I think others have or will be lucky to get to experience! It's just that it's been filled with agonizing misery at well that is estentially endless as well. As much as I've struggled I've also lived life to the fullest and made unbelievable memories with people I truly loved at the time. The aniexty and insomnia have steadily driven me insane causing me to abuse things I've had tremdous quantities of that I wouldn't touch for eons. GHB, benzos, exotic alcohols, etc. I've also tripped more than most ever will. To me this is fulfilling, but no matter the circumstance, I've always dreamed of eternal sleep. At this point I don't care where the end takes me be it heaven, he'll, reincarnation, or to rest in nirvana apart of universe where others have come to exist. I'll probably get over it as always but the thought is always looming. I've failed in the past but this time I would make sure it's the finale no matter how much more pain it takes... I wish I could drown in GHB to take the sorrow away but no longer have sources for that or 1-ethynyl-cyclohexanol. I've also never ran from my problems I always confront them head on. I'm extremely passive and never want to hurt anyone ever again. It took years for me to control my black out rage. It's just not something most could understand unless they struggle with it too...
I'd give yourself lots of rest, good water, vitamins, and nourishment. You'll be back on your feet in no time, sorry to hear of your troubles though.
I could really use something like 4-HO-DPT, synthetic 4-HO-DMT, or some 2c-B, or LSD, but alas I've lost contacts with old friends who could supply such things!
MDMA was never really my bag anyways to me it's one of the worst MDxx around. MDA is a wonder as well as 6-APDB, not to mention the other rarities. I don't blame you though I've always smoked MJ or synth noids will tripping, adds a whole new dimension.
I could also really use some DMT or mescaline but extracting it would be to difficult given my current location. Oh the joys of spending hours extracting to see those beautiful Snow White crystals and mescaline as it dries...sigh!
) and it works. I just feel free and liberated and desirous of engaging with the world I think your answers are not in drugs though. They can provide a foundation upon which to build, but they shouldn't be the complete picture. IMO. Helped? said:
but you know what they say, you can't always get what you want. I've accepted that G is rare as hell and the only people that do have it around here are creepy scumbags that hang around strip clubs and give it to people in a sexually predatory manner. It's fucked but that's the only way G got its bad reputation in the first place.
I know the feeling though, albeit from a much shorter relationship. It's a killer, but know that even if you're positive this girl may have been the one, this event paints a black and white picture that unfortunately you're better off without someone who isn't entirely in the relationship. It'll be shit and hard, but you'll move on mate
but amen to that....I love having time to myself in relative solitude, where you don't need to worry about the affairs of anyone else regardless of who they are or what relationship you may have with them. To me, this is what I define as the 'alone time' I need in life, even when I have a close partner as I do now....but even given this, it's the fact you've not chosen to take this time as your alone time that can make it seem so much worse than it is. Take time to reflect on your feelings and life in general without having to worry about anyone else's, you may find that being thrown into this situation will bring positives I know in my situation a few years back where my partner was pretty much the only significant relationship I had in life outside my blood related family, the sudden separation made it feel like you were the last 2 people on earth, and they'd just disappeared....didn't take too long to start rekindling lost connections, striking up new ones, and generally realising that there's a lot more to the world around me than that one girl.