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☮ Social ☮ PD Social Talk Thread: Somatic Swirly Sepia Summer Sausage Stage Set Suppository

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Dear PD folks

I don't even know why I write this down here, but I guess this place has always been good for expressing myself over the past few years. Anyway the past three days have been an extremely difficult rollercoaster ride of emotions because on wednesday afternoon I learned that my father, who I haven't seen in some two years got submitted to the intensive care unit and is being held in artificial coma but will probably not live. His body is destroyed from decades of obesity and alcohol abuse and after contracting the flu ge got severe pneumonia which his body couldn't handle anymore... I was there twice to see him, with my sisters and mother and it has been so dificult, I cannot even describe how that feels. Right now, I cannot stop crying and feel totally helpless.

His mental health problems and alcoholism made it impossible for us to have any kind of meaningful relationship, but after having had to deal with severe mental health problems myself in my early twenties (and still dealing with that today), I understood his pain better, but at this point it was to late to help him really, and as a child and teenager I just did not understand what he must have been going through to become the man he is (was). I just wish so much that things would have turned out differently, because he once was a very intelligent man who had hopes and dreams for the future, he wanted to become veterinary doctor and before my parents got divorced many years ago he bred amazing horses at my grandfathers farm.

At the same time his actions over the years were responsible for lots of mental trauma for my sisters, mother and I... I feel so conflicted about this, because right now, when it's probably too late, I realize that I still love him and how much I wish that he could have been a real father for me...

I guess the pain will heal, but since he still is (somewhat) alive, I switch from grief to denial to hope many times a day. I just hope that death will finally heal the pain he was in for probably most of his life.

thanks for reading, and much love to all the people who are in pain right now

 
^I'm so sorry mate :( I sincerely hope things end up well, whichever way it goes. <3

I lost my own very-distant father nearly 7 years ago from drug overdose and illness, it was rough but something of a release.
 
Much love to you. Do whatever you feel right in this situation,whether that involves going tothe funeral or not. Be strong.
 
thanks guys.

We already decided that we will have him cremated when the time comes and, if possible, bury his urn where he grew up. no classic funeral as I am sure he would hate that christian bullshit.

now back to studying to get some distraction
 
Now you got me all teary-eyed Bagseed. Did you have to link a wistful Bonobo song at the same time? Although my dad is still alive and well, I think there are a lot of parallels in our situations. It's gonna be really hard for me when my papa goes. :*(

I just wish that I wasn't such a little prick to him for the first twenty years of my life. In retrospect, he parented me the best he could, given his limitations due to his own array of issues. But I was ungrateful, because I wanted a different dad. I wanted one that could relate to me on a level that he just couldn't, and I acted like it was all his fault, and alienated myself from him even further with my passive-aggressive, spiteful attitude. Life is too short for that garbage.

I guess my best response to you would be to encourage you to take all that grief and sorrow, and turn it into an inspiration to give as much love as you possibly can to the people who are still in your life! Death can remind us that every moment of life is precious. Stay strong my friend!
 
thanks tac, it means a lot. and I really hope that you will find what you need from your father before his time comes.

I listened to that Bonobo album this morning after coffee and by "heaven for the sinner" I was crying rivers well until the record was over. music always was an emotional catalyst for me.

by today, my fathers organs are totally failing, so it will happen anytime soon. his brother comes into town tomorrow, and I hope he gets here before it's too late.
 
Bagseed, I feel what you are going through. Everything will be fine, you know it <3
 
thanks to all of you, you're a hell of a bunch.

and xammy, I know, and I already feel that this experience will be as transformative as my ++++ mushroom trip was many years ago. it just is incredibly hard, and I still cannot understand how I am still standing.

swilow, if you want to, I'd be happy to hear about your experience of your father passing, if you feel comfortable about it, shoot me a pm.

 
Bagseed, I'm sorry you're going through this (and your family). My own father is dying, albeit from ALS and much more slowly. He and I have always been close yet distant, distant only because he has never understood me nor I him, we're very different. But he's always been there for me above and beyond what anyone could even expect of a dad. His death which has been approaching for 3 years now and is getting ever closer is getting harder and harder to deal with. It must be hard to have not gotten to talk with him again. But everything will be okay, use this time to ponder on things and reach your own peace, if you can. Say what you want to say to him before he goes, maybe he'll hear, maybe not, but you'll hear and it will mean something to you.

<3
 
Thanks for being so compassionate, all of you. If i wouldn't live in a tiny country with no blers whatsoever, I'd hang out with all of you.

Xorkoth, i read what you wrote about visiting you family some weeks ago and I feel your pain.

Times like these are when you kearn the most. Yesterday evening I smoked some weed and reflected, and decided that I have to move on, live my life and do everything I can for myself and those close to me. Life really goes on.

Another song which has been important for me the past few days:
[video]https://youtu.be/QSpoNLzohQk[/video]

 
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