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☮ Social ☮ PD Social Talk Thread: Firly Swolks Discussing Mitillating Tatters Fithout Wilters

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Yeah man, hoodie zippers, those motherfuckers pierce. :) Nice man, that's beautiful. <3 I like your vocals (and your playing of course). Very dark

I microdosed ETH-LAD a bit ago (well, 50ug, but I took AL-LAD last night). It's doing a great job of powering through my residual GABA shit with a positive attitude and less desire to drink. Last night we all played together with me doing some delay stuff I'd been working on, and it was so awesome. I love how practicing with delay helps you to really lock into precise rhythms, because if you don't it sounds like shit. It's also been teaching me more about polyrhythms.

Today I decided to try something different. I turned the repeats as high as they would go and tried creating some spacey psychedelic soundscapes with many different tones on my piano. I haven't listened to it yet but I was really feeling it while I was playing. Hope you enjoy, especially if you're feeling a little trippy like me. :) --> https://soundcloud.com/user-636222547/e-alone-delay-long-repeats-7-26-17
 
this is pretty beautiful, xorky. does your delay pedal do the thing where if you twist the delay time knob while stuff is already repeating it gets all warped? that's fun to play with too.

this track is making me think you would enjoy playing with a looper pedal... get multiple of these soundscape layers going at once instead of having to jam it all through one delay track.

kind of sounds like Brian Eno. :)

as always, thanks for sharing man.
 
i always felt like playing with a lot of delay built musical character in a way... its like an interactive metronome, and if you make a single mistake you hear it for a long time.
 
pharmakos said:
this track is making me think you would enjoy playing with a looper pedal... get multiple of these soundscape layers going at once instead of having to jam it all through one delay track.
Click to expand...

I've got a nice loop pedal, I just don't have it at home. I haven't done much with combining them yet, I'm trying to really nail down both of them independently (the loop pedal is harder for me at this point, delay feels more natural), but I'm really looking forward to doing that.

as always, thanks for sharing man.
Click to expand...

Welcome. :) I'm glad someone enjoys it. God today I have a lot of free time at work, looks like I get to play a lot. :)

pharmakos said:
i always felt like playing with a lot of delay built musical character in a way... its like an interactive metronome, and if you make a single mistake you hear it for a long time.
Click to expand...

Yeah it's great. I've been playing with this thing for a couple of weeks now at home by myself mostly, and the first time back playing together my guitar player told me he can tell how much I've been using the delay pedal because my playing is a lot more precise.
 
Here is another one, with less delay, but it's some of what I was jamming with my band last night: https://soundcloud.com/user-636222547/e-alone-regular-delay-7-26-17-1. Dang, there's some clipping. The amp must have gotten pushed a little closer. The ending is my favorite part. Despite the damn clipping. :X

By the way vortech, I bet you'll like the first one I posted, a few posts up. Feels like it's right up your alley.

And this one, at the end it feels like downloading some sort of alien source code. IMO. :) https://soundcloud.com/user-636222547/e-alone-delay-long-repeats-7-26-17-2

Too much fun not to do another.

EDIT: Fuck it I'm obsessed. =D And might as well record, and if I record, might as well put on soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/user-636222547/e-alone-delay-long-repeats-7-26-17-3
 
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Xorko I love that slow-fade, low-pass decay; really warm, spacey, epic.
I've been using a go-to VST delay plugin called Ohmboys for about 15 years. Great sound and capabilities. I end up using it in some form on almost every project.
Pharmakos I know what you mean how using delay in performance builds musical character. It makes it easier to find or lose oneself in the flow. In the same way that a delay is like playing with yourself from the past, a flow state also induces a sense of playing with yourself a few seconds in the future, allowing to see what is coming up and how to make it flow into that change
 
Heya friends. I'm doing ok - still kinda in a depressive mopey funk, but not feeling as constantly miserable as I was a couple weeks ago. Picked up some really good weed last night, so that certainly helps ^_^ Waiting for a lil' care package of more exotic compounds to arrive.
 
Glad to hear you're on the up and up man. :) You can always PM me if you need to talk. <3

So my girlfriend is depressed. We talked about it last night. It's related to childhood PTSD really, all of it stems from that. The reason it's gotten worse is because she feels aimless in life... barely making enough money, working a shit job, and can't afford stuff. And her car's near the end of its life. She feels kinda useless, and she feels like the boat has sailed for her to pursue anything that makes her happy. I explained to her it hasn't actually sailed even though it feels that way, hell my mom went to get a master's degree at age 55 so she could pursue what she loves now that her kids are all grown. She says she's always had periods of depression but they'd last a few days, 2 weeks tops, and then would recede into the background. This time it's been months on end and it feels worse to her. Her dad forced her to study art history so she has a degree she can't use, she wanted to go into biology and do something like conservation work. I told her she should pursue conservation work but she self-defeats. :(

It sucks man, it really hurts me to see. I love her so much, I think she's wonderful, but she doesn't think that. When I met her she wasn't very depressed, and that went on until she hit 30, she had a sort of mini-midlife crisis at being 30 and basically not having "gotten anywhere" yet. I don't know what to do. We are going to take MDMA sometime soon, hopefully that can help her get in touch with herself because I think she's suppressing a lot of resentment and anger at her parents. But really I think she needs therapy, a good therapist, to help her get to the bottom of this. She's resistant though. I guess she had a therapist once and they sucked and she felt like it didn't do anything. I tried explaining to her that therapists are like doctors, a lot of them are just going through the motions, okay, next customer. A good one could probably really help.

She doesn't want to go on antidepressants or other drugs which I respect, I wouldn't want her on antidepressants either. I suggested phenibut to her a month or so ago, since it's prescribed to treat PTSD in Russia, but she didn't want to be on a drug, which is a good idea. Her best friend just went on an SSRI and it seems to have worked for her, she's way chiller and happier.

I don't know man, it seems like I am attracted to girls who are depressive. Or anyway I end up with them, they start out not showing me that side and eventually I come to know it. Come to think of it, I find that a lot of people in my life are that way. I seem to find myself in a role to help people with their problems, hell, I joined Bluelight to do just that. I like it, but when it's your romantic partner it's harder. It takes a toll... I hope she can figure it out. I'm gonna do everything I can to help because god dammit I love that woman. <3
 
Hey Xork, I can relate with you. Somehow I seem to surround myself with depressive people. I was kind of depressed myself when I was a teenager and until the begging of my twenties. Sometimes I believe my first mushroom trip at age 20 was the beginning of a transformation that ended up turning me into a much more positive, tolerant, and resilient person than I was before... but it's hard to tell because the early twenties are still a period of much growth and transformation on their own anyway.

Anyway, one of my closest friends from childhood is kind of a tormented genius, and I think almost all of my best friends struggle with depression. My girlfriend for five years also struggled with PTSD-related depression, mostly because she had a VERY tough childhood. And I agree with you, constantly dealing with someone else's depression does take a toll on your own mental health. But I think one must learn to take a safe distance at one point. I came to realize that it wasn't really my responsibility to help her get out of that because no one can really help her besides herself. She was reluctant to go into therapy because she convinced herself it wouldn't work. And in the end her generalized apathy towards everything harmed our relationship so much that I think it took a big part in our breaking up this February. A few month latter she finally decided to go into therapy, and she's been on a SSRI for the last couple of weeks and she says it helps her.

I recently started dating a girl who just found out suffers from some kind of anxiety disorder. So sometimes I don't know if ultimately we are all crazy, or as you said, I feel naturally attracted to the neurotic/depressive kind of people. Sometimes I think it is because few things make you as sensitive and thoughtful as going through suffering. So depressive people tend to be more introspective, creative and authentic. Also, being smart necessarily makes you less conformist, I guess. And non-conformity makes you anxious.

Anyway, I hope you and your girlfriend can figure out how to deal with this in a smart way, and not make the same mistakes my girl and I did. One thing I can say is, even if you feel like "you must do everything you can because you are in love", which is what love makes you feel, try not to take it personal if nothing works. Because ultimately no one can help ourselves but ourselves. I do wish you the best of lucks because you two seem like having the time of your lives together, from what you tell us here. I know how hard it can be to take care of someone who is going through constant suffering. But I'm confident you can make it work out alright.
 
Thanks man. <3

Yeah she and I both agree there's nothing I can really do and it's up to her to fix it. I suggested to her last night that she start taking some steps, because otherwise it's just going to get worse. She is also resistant to therapy because she found it useless when she tried it before, but I think she probably had a shitty therapist. She is hoping our MDMA experience can provide something, she also asked me about ibogaine because I've talked to her a lot about my experience with it being the best medicine for resetting yourself and detaching from your negative internal patterns. She's wary though. I think she's got it in the back of her mind as a last resort. She's hopeful that psychedelics can help her, but I don't think she believes they will. I know it's not my responsibility but I want to do whatever I can to help facilitate her recovery from her childhood issues (divorce and an appallingly controlling/emotionally abusive dad). I've gotten really good at being this role for people so I think I can handle it. It's only natural that it would be affecting me, but I don't let it get me down in life, I just keep doing me. And she's glad that I do that, she wants me to. We also don't live together and don't plan to anytime soon so it's out of sight (sort of) out of mind a lot of the time for me, which is healthy. I provide this ray of sunshine for her and she knows that and makes every allowance for me to do the other things in life I need to be fulfilled besides her, and we have many happy times together, it's so idyllic. She laughs a lot and gets excited and silly and we go on lots of outdoor adventures. So she's still able to connect with people and the world, but her baseline state she keeps returning to is this deep existential depression related to her seeming inability to get what she wants out of life (which is the direct result of her development with unresolved PTSD).

I am sure that once we exhaust some possibilities (or hey, maybe our MDMA session will be deeply healing for her, I'm hoping so), she'll see a therapist, and I told her we'd make sure to find a good one this time if she does it. She holds herself back so much, she won't admit to herself what she wants to be doing and feels like it's too late. I think two things will be important: first, she needs to confront and try to resolve her suppressed feelings of anger and resentment and so forth towards her dad. I can tell she suppresses it because they still have a relationship but she's constantly talking shit about him to me, but never, ever to him. He's chilled out a lot, I actually really like the guy, my girl says he's almost a different person these days. He and I haven't talked about it but he knows that it's his fault and he really loves her and does a lot to help her. But she sort of resents that help at the same time she needs it. I think both of them are dissatisfied with their relationship, for different reasons, and he's pretty hopeless in terms of addressing it or anything. I think their relationship and the resulting feeling of helplessness is the root of it. And the next thing is that she needs to start pursuing what she loves, because then, instead of having a bunch of time to waste and think and feel bad about herself, she'll be excited to pursue something that makes her feel great. That certainly was a tremendous part of me becoming happy again.
 
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vortech, I don't know if you're serious or joking but reading that I'm sure there's no way we chilled without getting down to some music :D

Xorkoth, if/when she decides to see a therapist, remember the lady I recommended last time. I can resend her info when the time comes.
 
Depression is a terrible burden. It taints everything, you can't see anything without filtering it through this lens of negativity.

I'm really battling it right now, and losing too. But I believe it will get better but I know not how.

I have an appointment this weekend to try and help me find a psychiatrist and therapist. I hope I can escape this soon.

Hey, has anyone heard from xammy??
 
Haven't seen Xammy post recently either :\

Xork, try being in a double-depression relationship :| gosh darn it here I go again.

The only way I know to empathize with people is to tell them anecdotes of similar happenings in my life and how I got past them, or simply to say I have the same problem. My fiance thinks it seems like I turn other peoples' problems into my own, in a selfish, "this needs to be about me" capacity, and I can't say she's wrong... but if I'm conscious of it, why do I continue to do it?
 
Xammy is trying to stay away from drugs, so he is avoiding Bluelight. I haven't heard of him for a couple of months. If you read this Xammy you know you can PM me whenever you like.

I am probably going to do the same in 2 weeks. I am thinking about quitting everything for a couple of years. Don't really know if I can, probably if I don't manage on my own I can ask for help. When your mental state is a mess, drugs stir it a bit too much. Surely they could be used in an effective way, but they are difficult horses to ride especially for disoriented people. Information reduces harm but doesn't really avoid it in bad cases.
Drugs are a bit like porn. A too easy solution for a too difficult problem.
I really would like to go on taking psychedelics but I don't really care about all the rest. As I see it I have to demonstrate myself I am the one in control. Curiously I decided all this under 3-MeO-PCP. Drugs telling me I should quit them. Ironic.

For a bit more of irony, I started going to the psychiatrist a few months ago, I just wanted pregabalin, which I got, and abused, but I ended up asking for a diagnosis.
I am going to start therapy too as I can relate to the problems unstable emotional people suffer. I think it is very common that when we are bottoming out we resist therapy. In my worst depressions it never even crossed my mind to ask for help. Those moments you don't even have the strength to think of suicide. Pure hopelessness.
For people who avoid therapy might be a good idea to learn Cognitive behavioural therapy or other therapy on their own. That can help them understand how their feelings, thoughts and behaviours are related to each other, how to cope with them in a more effective way, and might reduce resistance to therapy.
A routine of writing a journal, can be extremely helpful too, as you can capture and analyse your bothering thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
A good diagnosis is as well important as helps to identify the problem, so you can build specific strategies to confront it. Under depression there are normally other problems. It shouldn't be taken as something written in stone though, more of a guide, as it can vary wildly through life.
And we should never forget the food, sleep, exercise holly trinity.

We emotional people we'll never probably get rid of our strong swings and emotions but we can learn to cope with them in a better way. And to be emotional has some benefits too.

Emotional people tend to be attracted to other emotional people. So it is normal that sane emotional people find themselves surrounded by ''not doing so well'' emotional people.
 
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swilow said:
I have an appointment this weekend to try and help me find a psychiatrist and therapist. I hope I can escape this soon.
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If you can't find someone good the woman I was talking about with Xorkoth is amazing and who I work with over skype - just audio though, no video. As long as you have a place you can be to yourself with internet access and do as you please, it's really no different than working in person. She's quite amazing, I've been working with her for almost two years, my sister four, and she's literally light years ahead of the five or so other people I've worked with from grade school on.
 
pharmakos said:
Sometimes I feel guilty that I encouraged him a bit before his first forays with RC dissociatives.
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Don't be so hard on yourself. You've got enough of a burden.
We all make our own decisions and it is just normal that we kind of encourage each other out of the passion we have for the subject. Actions made with a good hearth shouldn't lead to guilt, however bad the outcome.

By the way, Pharmakos hope you go through all this successfully. Your bad luck had an impact on me, and help me decide to avoid noids. So you should feel proud of that. I always admired too, your self-control with them, as you didn't get a tolerance through the roof like most user, myself included.
 
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