Xorkoth
Bluelight Crew
He's a self-employed contractor... he was at a client's house doing deck work.
i just typed a huge post, but somehow managed to 'select all' then delete it. damn.
i was just saying that i tend to feel the hurts and sadness of people i love more acutely than if i was feeling that way myself.
seeing my girlfriend unhappy makes me terribly sad. it's tough.
i think your lady has a pretty amazing partner though. i don't really know what to say, besides the fact that one cannot possibly have enough hugs.
if it's any help, perhaps you could give her a hug from me? a trans-pacific, intercontinental (koala) bearhug.
Oh man I hate losing long posts! That's why I type them out in a text editor now when they're gonna be long, and then copy and paste. Anyway, thanks man, I appreciate it. Yeah lots of hugs happen regularly.
Yeah, I have dealt with depression too. The thing is that she realizes she's sabotaging herself, we talk about this, we've had some really insightful conversations, but it's like it never sticks, or she can't put it into practice. I really think she could benefit a lot of a good therapist, I hope she arrives at the willpower/desire to do it before long because I think she underestimates how much it could help. I saw a therapist myself for a while when I got off opiates, right after ibogaine, for drug addiction counseling. It was helpful but I was kinda figuring it out myself, she basically just was a sounding board (but very good) for whatever I had thought about the week before seeing her. It was a good experience though, but my girl had what she thinks of as a bad experience though (I don't know details really, but my sense is it was a combination of a not-so-attentive therapist coupled with her natural unwillingness to share too much about herself to people she doesn't know).
That's exactly where she's at, she isn't calling out of work or anything but she'll make plans outside of work to get things done, and end up sleeping until noon and not really doing much of anything except maybe some gardening. If she didn't have me to hang out with on the weekends and go hiking and camping and stuff (which is the time she really comes alive fully), she probably wouldn't do a lot. She feels bad about herself every time too and it definitely feeds into her depression. She's talked to me about this very thing, but sometimes understanding and feeling are very different things. I can relate because when I was depressed, it took fixing the problems in my life before I was able to get past it, which first involved fixing my thought process. Before that I knew I COULD not be depressed, and I knew why I was depressed, but I didn't understand how to see out of it. It's basically the same thing for her, her depression is the result of a troubled childhood (divorce and parental abandonment) and then being pressured into a certain idealized path in life she didn't want, and then being made to feel shame for not "making something of herself", the last part of which seems to have become the main thing as she passed age 30. A combination of feeling directionless, unable to do anything about it, failure and lack of power to change these things is the cause, and she knows this too.
Yeah I do that for sure, we don't live together or see each other every day, I spend about 3 days of the week with my friends and/or doing music stuff. On the weekends my girl and I hike and sometimes camp, and then at nights we'll just chill or hang out with her or my friends. The weekends are good times.
There's no one better in the world to explore nature with. She knows so much, plants are her passion and she knows (it seems to me) everything, I've learned so much from her. She's like a little forest sprite, I have met very few people who share my deep appreciation of nature so fully (I think she's more there than I am actually). I fully believe that if the way we lived was to live off the land and just survive, she would be a happy person who has some scars. She just doesn't believe in our modern civilization and doesn't get it and doesn't fit in. I mean, not JUST that, but it's a factor.I believe she always feels that from me, through every aspect of how we are with each other.
I tell her how great she is and how much I love her every day we're together. We also just have this thing that evolved way, way before we started talking about it, the thing we have with each other goes way beyond words, it was what struck me about her from the very beginning was how connected I felt with her in this physical/emotional way that is really palpable and always has been.Yeah this is true. You know though, yesterday I was having a terrible day, I felt so bunched up inside, fidgety, runny nose, like a withdrawal. I was craving alcohol, I was thinking obsessively negative thoughts, and I just couldn't shake it. Ended up taking 25mg of MXE, with a 10mg redose an hour or so in, hoping for a little clarity and holy god, I remember how special MXE is. I can only describe the result as one of the most sublime states of grace I ever remember achieving, where everything was crystal clear and I felt all of the inner tension and turmoil melt away and I felt so utterly comfortable. It was honestly about the most perfect, light and graceful feeling I can imagine, the most profound MXE ewxperience I have had besides my one deep hole on it which was totally different. I talked about and thought about my life right now, and it seemed as though every situation was either easy or surmountable. The drug compulsion/addiction seemed like the easiest part, and indeed it is. I woke up this morning feeling the same way minus the being high part of it. I hope it will last, but I'm good now, I really think I'm more or less past the GABA withdrawaly stuff, no alcohol or anything for me and I feel good about this. I think I was thinking about it all wrong.
Sometimes MXE can be such a special thing. Truly one of the great substances of all time.
They're the only truly interesting, or rather indefinitely interesting, chemicals in my opinion.
