feel free to ignore this.
"It's... odd. Sometimes it feels like I'm incapable of causing change. It makes me think about causing mass destruction, just to see reality react. Though I suppose when I'm not expecting or seeing an equal or opposite reaction, I can do a lot of things just because I feel like it. Like this. It feels a bit twisted sometimes, because maybe the laws of physics actually are working, and I don't see it. Poking at the world just to see if it moves... sometimes when I think I might be losing some positive aspect of myself, I realize that if I did, I'd be a step closer to fitting in with the zombie-esque masses.
I'm jealous of them sometimes. Compared to myself, the standard person is much less caring and attached. And from what I can tell, there's a lot of peace in that emptiness. And they don't even know they have it. Someone once asked me why I didn't just care less... and I told them that it wasn't really a choice. I've had moments where it all slips away and I'm normal... the first time it happened, I was somewhat terrified. No wonder everyone thinks I'm crazy. In contrast, they might as well be dead. It gave me insight on a lot of my relationships... in a very weird sort of way...
The problem is that I'm conscious all the time. I think I took the fucking red pill in the womb.
Even Sisyphus could make the boulder move. I'm almost envious, though at the same time, he's dammed to forever watch it roll down the mountain again. Camus suggests that when Sisyphus acknowledges the futility of the task and the certainty of his fate, he can achieve a state of contented acceptance. But reality, our lives, lack confirmation of futility and certainty... unlike Sisyphus, we cannot know if the rock will roll back down again. And that's where we, to drop the pretty language I've seemed to adapt, are fucked.
Or well, back to myself, I can't even get the rock to move. It almost feels as if I'm outside of reality. And to some extent, I might as well be. I'm so fucking tired of trying to make everything be okay by fighting for it in my head. It can work, it can be amazing, but then you see that nothing has actually changed, and it falls apart.
So here I am again, rambling with absolutely no consequence. Because I expect nothing. But if there's going to be a giant rock there, I suppose you might as well kick it in resentment every once and a while. And when the rock actually does move an inch, I'm so dammed surprised, almost angry. Because not only does it promptly move back again, but there's a moment of hope that it will get up the mountain, casting doubt on what would be certain futility.
And as time goes on, I seem to be surrounded by boulders. At this point, a ridiculous amount of people I've loved have left. To total content, it seems. I guess I just don't get that. I suppose if there is nothing after this existence, then nothing that happens in it matters. (Well, in personal affairs at least; I'd like to think not destroying the planet for the future has something to it.) But... how do people do that? How do they stop caring? And why don't I stop?
.........
Uncertainty truly is devious... until you finally figure that it's certain enough to call certain. Because, well, if people DID give a shit about me, why the hell would they all be acting as if they don't? It just leaves one (...me) with weird thoughts. And in reality, nothing unknown can ever be certain, but there's comfort in certainty. Playing and hoping with some ridiculous notion that the sea of names in my heart actually loves me back, and pushing at the dammed boulder and having it either: a. roll back on my leg, or b. move a little then roll back, is only so much fun. So... give up on the boulder, and kick it upon occasion. Because in the end, it's on your mind anyway. If it's not going to change anything, and an action brings some sort of release..."
I don't want anyone's advice. I don't want people telling me what I should do. I just want to have someone actually "hear" me when I say something.
A female is my motivation now. How can you pass up an intelligent, cute blond that's into the festival scene