Meh... I'm really down on myself right now
I had two tests this week, and I thought I had all the material down pretty well for the first one, so I ended up spending most of my time studying for the second test (which was a much harder test). Well I ended up getting a goddamn D on the first one, even though it wasn't that hard. So fucking stupid, its not even because I didn't know the material, its just because I didn't practice it enough so I wasn't able to solve all the problems in the allotted time. I got the lowest grade in the class of 10 other seniors.
I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I never actually felt
stupid until I started studying science. Its so tiring being evaluated in comparison to these geniuses and whiz-kid problem solvers all the time; my peers are very smart and pulled-together people, much more so than I am. This often makes me feel slow, unintelligent, and small. Not even to mention my professors, who all have PhD's from prestigious schools and excel in their field... I'm sure they think I'm one ride on the short bus away from competing in the special olympics!
Sometimes I overhear my classmates saying stuff like "yeah I got a B in that class and it totally wrecked my GPA", etc.. and it literally makes my chest ache because I work my ass off to get B's and B-'s... my transcript is full of them, with a few C's thrown in there too. I'm always treading water and busting my ass for mediocre grades, and I feel like I haven't really gotten anything in return for all the work I've done. But more so than anything, and this scares me the most, I feel like I've also probably fucked my chances of pursuing any type of meaningful education beyond my B.Sc., as I can't imagine many graduate schools would be thrilled to accept someone with a bunch of B's and C's and precious few A's on their academic record
I haven't felt this low down and shitty about myself in a while, honestly. If I wasn't a senior and almost done with my degree I might just say fuck it and give up entirely. I have such a love/hate relationship with chemistry.. mostly because its the only thing I've ever cared about being good at, and I'm really not very good at it. Apparently there isn't a place in science for people like me, so what's the point? I'm not good at being in a high pressure situation and solving 20 problems in a row without making any mistakes, which is the meat and bones of what scientists do for a living, so really I'm about as useful as a doorstop. I'm a fucking poser, really.. just a poser non-scientist who couldn't solve their way out of a wet paper bag. I feel like I should get a job selling ladies shoes or something, because I'll never be able to make a living using the peanut-sized piece of gray matter that I call my brain.
Honestly, I don't know who I was trying to fool anyways by trying to become
any type of legitimate person.. I was a punk ass, drug-using criminal as a kid and I'll most likely be just that until the day I die. I made crappy grades in high school and only got into a decent college because my parents are both alumni 8), which basically makes me a fraud who shouldn't even be there in the first place. I really don't know where to go from here, but I'll be graduating next fall and all I have to show for my preposterously overpriced education is a long string of mediocre grades and a deep sense of disappointment.
Meh, I'm not trying to be such a downer, I just
really needed to get that off my chest. Things just don't seem like they're working out well for me, and I have absolutely no idea what the future may hold.
Last of my 2C-D though, but used well.
