Took kratom and other shit to try and help, obviously most would just circle back to fuck me over once again. I have a bad tolerance to most things nowadays and get withdrawals after short use. Probably still a damaged GABA/glutamate system and shit like that.
Man, I'm noticing something so similar. My innate sensitivity for drugs is practically gone out the window. I find I need more of everything, the positive effects don't last as long, the negative effects start sooner and last longer. I particularly notice this with amphetamines. As much as I've wanted to cut down, I found I was mentally dull without them, exams required something, yada-yada..
I've been using them for a few years on/off now, but this past month especially I find my doses attrocious compared to what they used to be and the negatives make it practically unbearable.
With benzos I've pretty much dropped diazepam by substitution with etizolam; reasons being dwindling supply of the former, saving what I have as I find it's more enjoyable. Also diaz's half-life is pretty long, and etizolam is easier to wake up to, but I find the dose required to alleviate anxiety to be much more than it should be. Also, when it does kick in it ends up knocking my cognitive functions down a lot more than diazepam ever did.
Seems to be a bad month for many; sorry about your girl messing you like that. Broken heart is hands down one of the worst kinds of prolonged pain humans can endure. Going on 6 years myself, just starting to get emotional/psychological independence back.
My best friends near-death TBI had me crying for a week, life without him sure wouldn't be the same. I started to feel better when I heard he was stabilized and conscious. Seeing him this past weekend and conversing with him was one of the most elating feelings I've had. Unfortunately it didn't last long and I had to return to the demoralizing exam gauntlet.
Although life circumstances play big factors in depression I know it's also self-induced via drug abuse. I go through times of stimulant abstinence, but they always seem to get broken at some point in time; heavy workload seems to be a common trigger. I have a feeling I'm starting to get dopaminergic 'insensitivities' developing. The higher doses required, shorter positive period, and the longer, anxious negative period are things that indicate I've got to drop them and not succumb to cravings when the going gets tough.
The etizolam thing is a weird one. On the one hand the short duration is good for getting back to a clear head quicker, but when I do take it I'm generally unable to function in the way I was able on a low diazepam dose. With the way I feel now that exams are done I'm not touching a stimulant, so the anxiety that makes me crave benzos should be attenuated. By the end of christmas break I want to be off benzos. In a way I feel like if I had a disapproving person I had to be held accountable to I'd be more likely to drop them quicker.
SSRI's still seem to be helping, it's just they can only do so much when I'm also taking DA/NE releasing agents.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
i do know, though, that Lyrica produces the greatest mood/fatigue lift out of any of the drugs i've ever tried.
I don't know much about fibromyalgia, other than serotonergics (even 5-HTP) are known to help with it.
I do know quite a bit about Lyrica though; was on it for GAD (largely ineffective once tolerance kicks in, and it happens quick). When I first started taking lyrica it felt just like GHB; high as a kite my first night, f'ing great.
Even after being off it for a while, no acute tolerance; if I take it now it's a bit of a good feeling, but degrades into a wonky headache type thing fairly quickly.
It's good for a recreational GHB substitute, but if you take it at all regularly that effect leaves and abstinence doesn't entirely bring it back.
Like depression, I never really had it long enought to be called clinical in the past. Before I go on any anti-depressant I first want to see how depressed I stay (at least that is one thing that is stabilizing at OK levels again now), same for the other stuff.
I was the exact same way. I had depressive periods, but I'd eventually come out of them and feel like a million bucks; summer camping trips were great for that. I always thought "Yeah I'm depressed/anxious, but I'm not depressed/anxious enough to go on constant medication"; thing is when I did get depressed I would sometimes get
really depressed. I would come out of it in a few weeks, but my good times always had another breakdown waiting for me. I finally realized I need anti-depressants as a preventative. I can't rely on the good times to be continuous; it always goes in a cycle; fine for a few weeks, breakdown, rough for a few weeks, come out of it, etc. I just can't deal with the breakdowns when they come like that anymore. I hate the fact that I need a daily 5-HT modulating drug, but it's better than the alternative.
But: it really pisses me off that I get so little result from good behavior and so much result from bad behavior.
Ditto again. Abstinence/being good/hard working doesn't really make me feel good; there's no reward in it. It makes it hard to stay off the things that end up making me feel worse.
I'm not sure about shrinks myself, been seeing one lately. I know it's their job to be objective, but they way he prods makes it feel like he's getting sadistic kicks from seeing my mind squirm.
Thing is, finding my own cure didn't exactly work either. Self-medication has it's obvious pitfalls. Even psychedelic self-psychotherapy didn't seem to fix anything in the long run.
It's a tough road to travel with junctions where no direction looks like it's going to be a cure. Pretty much just try one at a time. After psychs, self-med, I'm now going the doctors' route and see where this one takes me. Of course as much as abstinence is unrewarding, it is rewarding in that there is no daily comedown from it.
Over time, the one thing that seems to actually do any good at all, is time itself.
