☮ Social ☮ [PD Social General Talk Thread] Observation Tank for Fractallized Redundancy Modules

[Just A Guy]

^^ lol

 

[I B Profane]

It's my first day back at school today :D

Physics 1 seems pretty easy, I took physics all the way back in high school so most of it is review of stuff I've already learned. Just basic Newtonian physics, like force vectors and shit. I already know that SigmaF = ma so I should be set for like, half the class

Calculus 2 on the other hand...gulp. O_O calculus is hard...I wasn't expecting to be asked what the integral of e to the power of radical sin^2(3x+7) is ON THE FIRST DAY. I'm pretty rusty on math, I have some brushing up to do.

Now I'm about to go to my Mass Communications class, hopefully it isn't as boring as it sounds :D

Cheers y'all, happy Monday!

 

[ShroomySatori]

Physics is easy going up until you hit electromagnetic theory, gets a little less like high school review then

Integration... whoever thought it would be so much more complicated than taking a derivative

 

[Solipsis]

Yeah I did it, I'm clean no craving, withdrawals only mild anymore like a flu.. was hard though, jeses.. :D :D hypomanic rebound phase ftw

(Oh man I hated integration ^^ Dabrowski sez Positive Desintegration )

 

[ShroomySatori]

The Feynman lectures on physics are sick!!! Recommended if physics class is a bore

Physics is soooo not F = ma

And the Road to Reality by Roger Penrose. That book is a rollercoaster ride. Different sizes of infinity? Man... there isn't just one infinity? WTF? Blew my mind when I learned that. As if thinking about the infinite isn't trippy enough!

Quantum mechanics kind of made me sound like a raving lunatic when I was studying it. I remember waiting in line for food, talking to my classmate about eigenstates and fuck... I don't even remember now... I had a revelation and I finally felt that I got it after failing the midterm... my friend wasnt following my stoned train of thought... but I got the strangest look ever from this chick. Like she was just struck by lightning hearing me talk in this weird quantum language haha. Probably reeked of pot too. Physics can make one go crazy.

 

[Thorns Have Roses]

. Different sizes of infinity? Man... there isn't just one infinity? WTF? Blew my mind when I learned that.

Yeah, that's one of those ideas that hits you like a freight train, it's so counter-intuitive.

Calculus 2 on the other hand...gulp. O_O calculus is hard...I wasn't expecting to be asked what the integral of e to the power of radical sin^2(3x+7) is ON THE FIRST DAY. I'm pretty rusty on math, I have some brushing up to do.

I didn't pay much attention in math class in my days of mandatory schooling, it was only as an adult, as my vague interest in philosophy and reasoning and such became more refined, that I realized what kind of awesome and important stuff I missed out on. I kinda wanna learn about it, but I'm the type that shrinks from busywork and sustained effort.

 

[jammin83]

Yeah I did it, I'm clean no craving, withdrawals only mild anymore like a flu.. was hard though, jeses.. :D :D hypomanic rebound phase ftw

(Oh man I hated integration ^^ Dabrowski sez Positive Desintegration )

Congratulations man!!! Something kinda purifying about a withdrawal in a fucked up sense, eh?

 

[Solipsis]

Thanks Interesting, you mean like a purge, similar to how the - not withdrawal but - 'hangover' or side-effect of ayahuasca and mescaline are the purge some consider purifying? You get an afterglow for it though, not to mention the soul therapy...

I must say I did a lot to try and prevent or remedy too many physical problems, before I ran out after my tapering program was at first successful and then withered a bit and I used low dose DXM during that taper, loperamide during w/d now, am on flubromazolam for sleep and yesterday a little weed.. stopped drinking yesterday as well, despite the smoking weed which should stay incidental I wanna get clear, like stay fully clear for a while... best chance that way to make the most of this constructive / productive refreshed awakening from my sad slumber. I am amazed about not having cravings, and also that the depression lifted so soon making way for this hypomania.. I really hope I don't keep fluctuating..

I bet if it was longer time usage, and no proper tapering or medicinal augmentation and use of say IV heroin etc it's next level, I can't imagine that!!

Anyway, I plan on using phenazepam asap to wean me off the short benzo support I used. Even though I used several benzo's [tiny bit of etizolam but wasnt right for the job I found, some fluorinated benzo I cannot share the details of with you, diazepam and then flubromazolam turned out to be good for the insomnia and also covering the anxiety still from the w/d] I used those benzos for only a couple of days I am afraid to get full blown protracted withdrawals triggered again from it since I have kicked benzos a few years ago, also successfully (I really only use very sparingly and functionally and don't really like the high. Opiates may always remain more difficult since I love more about them while I see benzos just as self-medication I used to need structurally and now only 'have use for occasionally). So yeah phenazepam has just about the longest half-life which means it's perfect to let it wean out of your body over days, I hope it is not too anxio-one-sided.. an all-rounder is also smart to use for it which is IMO actually the second reason why clinically diazepam is used for it... and diaz is so classic of course

Gonna make apple-sauce with nuts and cinnamon etc from apples I picked nearby... gonna clean and tidy at my dad's - he helped and is helping me so much I wanna start giving back.. and being active is probably good for me right now!

I worry about my gf tho she is not doing so well I hope she is alright I miss her like hell! (Yeah who doesn't miss hell, especially after having been there 8) )

@Pharmakos, that pic!! LOL

 

[jammin83]

I mean kind of like you find a new appreciation for just feeling 'normal' and not being sick, similar to a purge. There is the post-detox afterglow to boot. Kind of a new appreciation of life of sorts. I have been in AP withdrawal for almost a year now and has been quite the existential crisis but a very positive experience at the same time.

 

[Xorkoth]

I'm glad you're feeling good man. That's great that you aren't experiencing cravings, I never had that except when I did ibogaine, which did completely remove my cravings to this day. Props on doing that with your own mind.

I worry about my gf tho she is not doing so well I hope she is alright I miss her like hell! (Yeah who doesn't miss hell, especially after having been there 8) )

What's going on with her (if it's not too much to ask)?

 

[jammin83]

Damn, well I just ordered some TA and already having second thoughts. One of the mods over at eboka died not too long ago (for 30 some odd minutes) and got brain damage. Seems like a huge risk now. I haven't got my ecg done yet but I am sure its fine and my liver should be fine too and I am getting it checked within the month. The quality isn't in question, just feeling scared about it now. I know it is a low risk, but death is a serious risk. I am thinking the benefits outweigh the risks, but I feel nervous as shit now.

 

[Xorkoth]

Do you know whether that mod died from iboga? If there were often factors at play? That's a bummer. Certainly ibogaine is more dangerous than your average psychedelic, but like you said, the risk is small. Well, when you get it, and when the time feels right, if it does, I'd say go for it. It's normal to be nervous, I was full-on scared leading up to my experience. But the experience was not frightening.

 

[Cream Gravy?]

So, funny enough Xork, after we had our discussion on taking pets to the vet and I was like, "I wouldn't waste my cash on my guinea pig," I totally just came back with him from a vet 45 minutes away.

He got an eye infection just days after we talked about vet expenses... talk about irony. So I did end up taking him in, and spent 110 bucks on a check up and some antibiotics that I'll have to feed him for the next two weeks (oddly enough he ate the first dose without any struggle like it was just another piece of hay hahah). He freaked out worse than I've ever seen when the vet tried to check his molars though. Something about one person pinning him and another shoving a tube in his mouth really freaked him out, people said they could hear him wheaking in the other room. Never seen him that scared before. Anyways, the good news is, he seems to be looking better already, and the vet commented on how he was one of the healthiest guinea pigs he'd seen (weight wise at least). Good to know I've been giving him a good diet. He's about 2.6 pounds, one chunky piggy hahah.

So yeah, I reneged on my "I won't waste money on my piggy" statements, but I'm really glad I did. He really does mean a lot to me, and getting him help has made me feel infinitely better.

 

[jammin83]

Do you know whether that mod died from iboga? If there were often factors at play? That's a bummer. Certainly ibogaine is more dangerous than your average psychedelic, but like you said, the risk is small. Well, when you get it, and when the time feels right, if it does, I'd say go for it. It's normal to be nervous, I was full-on scared leading up to my experience. But the experience was not frightening.

All he said was he took ibogaine and his heart stopped for like 38 minutes. He is okay, minus the parkinsons type brain damage, but damn. I felt more secure never encountering anyone that had actually had too many major problems besides a couple of negative anecdotes. I think it is just normal anxiety but I think my heart hurts just thinking about it. I'll probably got through with it, with all the tests, but this will most likely be a one time flood thing. The stuff kind of sketches me out.

edit: not too scared about a drug experience. I have had many crazy ones but none that left too many scars. I can handle just about anything I think, just don't want to die or get brain damage. Not dicksizing as I am rather average, but I have eaten 25 hits of acid in one go, 200 + mg of DMT, and had hundreds of trips on various chems mostly shrooms, DMT, and LSD. Even if the experience is a bit scary I am not worried about that. I can handle that, I am used to fucked up mental states, just scared about permanency, ie death.

 

[Thorns Have Roses]

PD, my predominant mental state these days is the most unpsychedelic bitterness. I do not like this, not at all. What can I do?

 

[Solipsis]

Firstly a short announcement: can I point out to you all that social thread talk that involves tripping, casual talk about psychedelics etc, we have a new special social thread that kind of talk is appropriate for! Post any questions you have about it in that thread: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads...pping-Thread-NEW!-Gather-here-for-swirly-talk

---

@ Thorns have Roses
Really sorry to hear that, buddy I don't suppose there is something like a sorrow puddle, but yeah it appears that a lot of us, probably most have gone are going through major ordeals... which doesn't demean you have a bitter mental state at all. To start with I think it is good to still commune here like we always do (as for me I would love to keep doing that even if I lose interest in drugs), see how our lives go. I don't often feel better venting my sorrow with sharing, like being cathartic on a regular basis and all that, but generally just knowing that you guys are going though your stuff, that reminds me of a connection.. A really important connection, which while only existing in our minds seems very important.

Yesterday I took phenazepam to have the afaik longest half-life wean me off the withdrawal support, and that is supposed to be the last.. also stopped drinking a few days ago and plan to keep it up for at least another week cause I know that when you royally fucked up like I did, you need to go through a clean period to get your bearings back. Or stand to lose sight of where your life is going. Anyway that applies to me, but I do recommend periodically being clean, clearminded and lucid.

Do you have 'tangible' reasons for being bitter? You must know that for every person there are things that are for like 50+% determined by genetics, apparently baseline happiness level is one (probably relates to treatment resistent depression), but also genetics determine when you feel full after a meal. e.g. Obesity is not directly genetic afaik (via metabolism say), but rather via rogue appetite not to mention vicious cycles of comfort eating.
One of my very best and longest friends has dysthymia so he always feels low. Besides that genetic determination of perhaps neurotransmitter levels there are very complicated ways that makes him keep enabling himself seeing the bad in everything, or possible doom. That can control your life, such fear keeps you from actually living. Plus, when you are sick like that it is terrifying to face being healthy and the apparently supermassive responsibility of what you are going to make of your life then. The profit of disease is that there seems to be an illusory feeling of consolation from maintaining the status quo.

Maybe I digress but the main point is first I would like to know if you (thorn-focuser ) have legitimate reasons to be bitter like repeated violation of trust, or that you don't have confidence that the world or your own life will lead to something you want? Disappointed with the world (I know I am.. dealing with handicap type shit for most of my adult life, my talents wasted more often than not, having to deal with shit which prevents me from exercising my drive to be creative and experimental).. cause it matters if we are talking about clinical depression or if you have something particular on your mind.. so please expand. It would be put way to simplistic to say that real problems can be either dealt with accordingly or if not possible, acceptation, while irrational problems can be solved by things like cognitive behavioral exercises. But still, let me throw it out there.

Xorky you asked about my woman, I don't feel like I would do her a favor sharing the most personal stuff, but she has compulsions which are classically based on irrational fears, she is hypersensitive to a lot of things (half of that is probably psychosomatic, but that doesn't change anything about it) and besides that her body is often in malaise. She quit SSRI's cause she had been on them since she was 17 and it seems like her GP just kept her on it and not many questions were asked until I came along. She also smokes and drinks. Perfectly functionally but not healthily of course, it bothers her a lot. Maybe it is not weird that she is having a rough time being on no meds besides the occasional xanax (I warn her).. hopefully she can find an increasingly abstinent homeostasis that she can live with, I'd recommend Lyrica for her perhaps but other than that I am running out of ideas. I don't treat her of course, I only "consult" keeping roles clear and separate is paramount.

Today I feel tired, no real trace of the hypomania from the previous 2 days.. but anyway it will certainly do. I have so much work cut out for me, arranging a place to live, building my life again from the ground up..

But I almost forgot to share that last night after I got high on weed (evening before that as well, but other than that no), I was laying in bed and I started to let go. Watching The Holy Mountain again this time with my father whom has very limited patience for metaphysical insights, watching that probably prepared me. I felt like letting go of everything I have been holding on to, my fears and desires, my self, and even living or not. That was so welcome because I long to be okay with whatever is, and though I have huge issues with suffering, I have no quarrel with looking death in the face. Too much has happened. Makes me feel unburdened, featherly. It's strange caring so much while also being prepared to let go. Dualism has no place there anymore.

Yes, I think the world is nasty. I think there is every reason to be bitter, and many life experiences promote that. But as long as I live I will refuse or attempt to refuse becoming like the world and adapting to that extent. Something akin to a Braveheart platitude sentiment like you can take my life but you can never take my blahdibla. I want to walk among you and love you all, but I want nothing to do with the way most people live, caught up entirely in things that truly do not matter... sorry if that sounds arrogant. I don't mean to rate myself, just to be left alone in peaceful coexistence with a rotten system.
I am really exalted though, that a number of people have indeed gotten over their pettiness and selves and that so many are to be found on this forum. I have also occasionally found special people in real life whom I will never forget.

Not sure how my limited faith in the majority population rhymes with the fact that I still feel that everyone deserves to be treated with the respect they deserve (notwithstanding the possibility of being in such a way that makes you lose all credit). Can you combine misanthropy with compassion? I'm at somewhat of a crossroad. I believe in acting with all compassion that you can muster, but feel betrayed, made a joke or fool of cosmically to have been created gifted and then cursed also. That is the source of my bitterness... my zen-buddhism flavored soulsearching of years ago plus tripping is the source of my hope and compassion.

Are they at odds in you? Please see the urgency of finding a constitently positive direction on your soul compass so to speak. It is the only way forward that will leave us with the feeling that whatever happens, we have done our best. Completely despite things we might regret in the past. That would be about the sorriest thing to determine your compass' direction. Align your senses, see what it is you need, never mind what you may want... and go step by step. Over time that mindset pays off and reinforces itself.

But making short term choices that combined have long term consequences is one of the biggest challenges, at least for me.. It is so hard to see the point in putting in effort if things still feel like they are 99% shit. Ignore it, and realize that humans make countless errors in their thinking, how amazing our thinking abilities may appear to ourselves. Keep reassuring yourself that missing that payoff is misleading, keep at it and build neuronal connections like a muscle. Ones that link your reward center with activities related to working on your life, finding out doing what makes you happy. Get your kicks from that and be saved.

You are not alone not ever

 

[Xorkoth]

Yes, I think the world is nasty. I think there is every reason to be bitter, and many life experiences promote that. But as long as I live I will refuse or attempt to refuse becoming like the world and adapting to that extent. Something akin to a Braveheart platitude sentiment like you can take my life but you can never take my blahdibla. I want to walk among you and love you all, but I want nothing to do with the way most people live, caught up entirely in things that truly do not matter... sorry if that sounds arrogant. I don't mean to rate myself, just to be left alone in peaceful coexistence with a rotten system.

This is how I feel too, it's not arrogant. I want nothing to do with the way most people live either, but I still love those people as individuals. It's sometimes easy to be like this and sometimes hard, depending on your current personal circumstances. Right now it's easy for me, but I suspect it will be hard again at various points.

You are not alone not ever

Indeed

 

[Help?!?!]

This is how I feel too, it's not arrogant. I want nothing to do with the way most people live either, but I still love those people as individuals. It's sometimes easy to be like this and sometimes hard, depending on your current personal circumstances. Right now it's easy for me, but I suspect it will be hard again at various points.



Indeed

Same. Solipsis had to go all eloquent on us. I think what you posted was a thing of inspired beauty, the truth to this world. You just have to stay positive instead of the negatives. for all my brothers, especially those in rough seas.....like Xork said you are never alone, because you at least have yourself....if you can find love and just hold on everything will be okay...

 

[yepyepwoah]

Was at the grocery store and the lady in front of me was like "just the essentials, bread and blue bell"... I happen to have ice cream as well, and the cashier was like " why no blue bell for you"?
Said I was could do without the lysteria poisoning. Lady in front aas like "but its sooooooooo worth it"

I just muttered "fuckijg America" to myself.

A company that knowingly poisons its customers is cool, their loss is lamented like a lost child. Yet I am deemed an outcast and pariah for my love of psychedelics and acknowledgement that we are land of the free, home of the slaves.

I just don't fucking get people.

 

[psy997]

So I just spent the past five hours working on a new hip-hop esque beat with noam chomsky "vocals" over it, anyone wanna give me some feedback?

https://soundcloud.com/travish997/whats-noamal-5-hours-work