Evening all, my Bluelight brothers and sisters. Hope you are all happy, healthy, and well.
Have not been around so much recently as have been dealing with some personal things, first world problems for sure, but as it's my life they seem fairly important to me, heh.
After a month long benzo binge I quit over 2 or 3 or weeks using gabapentin, gabapentin I must say has zero anxiolytic effect for me I think, I didn't have a seizure so there's that but I also did not feel good.
I had also quit kratom entirely having suffered through what at the time I thought were pretty dire withdrawals but in the grand scheme of things probably were not.
For a few weeks anyway I was sober but basically pretty useless, not really able to concentrate on anything. I switched to baclofen in place of phenibut which surprisingly seemed to have some kind of psychoactive impact enough that I didn't hate waking up every morning.
So following a few weeks of almost sobriety, coffee occasionally, also had a liver function test which came back clean coz I'm a hypochondriac like that. I'm now back to using kratom daily again for the last few days, armodafinil for energy, overusing coffee, taking the odd valium or clonazepam to smooth things out again. Even dipping into tiny tiny bumps of 3-MeO-PCE / DCK, nowhere near hole doses, I don't desire it right now, and I have to be really fucking careful with those ones. I actually just bought some rollable tobacco for the first time in maybe a year or 2... The reason for this, basically, is that I just cannot work without being on something. Literally when I sit down at my computer I start getting anxious. I just start thinking of everything I'd rather be doing instead. As a result I escape in TV shows, not so many drugs this year at all in fact which you would think would help but it has not, not so much exercise this year either when I used to be a fitness freak, but it's not enough... I can't escape myself and the pressure of my choices, or lack of them...
I have an easy life, I know, and I've made excuses over excuses for why I should just pull myself together, be grateful for what I have, maybe it's the drugs? Maybe I need to exercise more. Maybe I need to stop complaining. Maybe I need to be someone other than who I am... But, it's coming to a head now. It's not the drugs. I know who I am. I have a problem though which I've complained about to a few of you and is obvious to everyone in my life who knows me personally that through a series of bad decisions, fear of failure, passivity on my part, I've made a life for myself that is comfortable but on a trajectory that I explicitly do not enjoy. I only have myself to blame here. I'm not looking for sympathy. I guess I just wanna share and consider you guys my friends even though I've never met any of you in real life. I need to extricate myself from a business arrangement that I've stupidly and passively allowed myself to get in way too deep and that it is going to be difficult to do. I think that I am ready now though. I think I have set things up enough that I can jump. I'm not going to jump right away. I still need to do this sensibly, carefully... but, fuck... I'm 32, I'm banging my head against a wall thinking I can ride this out to a peace of mind that is never ever going to come, that much is clear now. Money isn't everything. It's not an ideal climate in the world to jump ship, I know many people would perhaps rightfully look on my relentless moaning with disdain. I know many people will tell me I'm an idiot for even thinking it, and maybe I am... It's no-one else's fault... purely my own. I've invested myself in a life I don't want, an endeavour I don't care about. I've tried so many times to extricate myself but always failed to do so... but I won't fail this time. This is it. I'm out. I'm gonna be a bit poorer for a while but that's fine. It's not gonna be immediate which sucks and is gonna hurt but I'm just gonna have to suffer through it. Maybe I'm an ungrateful fool who doesn't know how lucky I am... but what I'm doing right now, is killing me. It's not that's it's even hard work. It's just that it consumes my every waking moment and all my thoughts are focused on when am I going to be done with this? Again... I've been lucky... I am lucky. I have a comfortable life. But I'm trapped in it. No more... this has to be the end of the road. Thank you for reading anyone who did read this far and I do apologise for such shameless self-indulgent misery when there are people in the world who are starving, blind, destitute. Ah, what am I saying... maybe the mental health forum would be a better place for this. I'll be OK I'm sure.
I know I am very late but my condolences about your cat
@Xorkoth, I meant to say earlier but wasn't in the best place and also didn't wanna hijack your own grief, I hope you don't mind me bringing it up now, but weirdly coincidentally my sister's cat died a few weeks ago too, I think actually within a day of your own bereavement. She has a bunch of them but this one was the oldest and a survivor from my childhood when we lived together, so I went over to visit her as I knew she was gonna be put down, she had some kind of growth on her kidney that wasn't getting better, wasn't eating, was just getting weaker and weaker... was a weirdly solemn occasion. My mum was there too, my sister is a vet nurse so she pre-sedated her - Jess - apparently this is standard practice, although she's not authorised to actually euthanise so her friend had to come over to do it, so it was me, my mum, my sister and my sister's vet friend sitting around this old cat in the garden, wrapped in a blanket, with a pre-prepared biohazard death drug ready for IV... she was already kinda unresponsive, pupils massively dilated, I wondered in a macabre way if she was experiencing a kitty K-hole of a sort, but this time she wouldn't be coming out of it, but proceeding through the eye at the centre of the maze, to whatever lies beyond. It only took about a quarter of the well-labelled biohazard syringe for her to slip away.. and with it another vestige of my childhood I guess. I think it was a good death though, as far as such things go, at least.
Anyway I love all of you and feel an inclination to apologise for just dipping in and bringing the mood down, heh. PLUR.
