I am a degenerate drug addict.
I am hoping to quit soon. So I've moved into the
contemplation stage of change.
I'm finding I derive less and less benefit from the drugs as time goes on. Some, like weed and opiates, are downright harmful (both make me anti-social, irritable, and weed has the additional factor of horrible mindfuck paranoia coming out of nowhere to bite me in the ass at unpredictable times ... but yet somehow I still smoke it almost daily, compulsively) ... some, like benzos and amphetamines, are necessary, but easy to go overboard ...
and then there is the case of psychedelics ... and a dizzyingly complex case it is. I think the net impact of my psychedelic use has primarily been to confuse the hell out of me on an existential level, but on the other hand, pre-psychedelics, I was walking around in an anhedonic stupor ... so basically I think what I need is a middle ground.
But the middle ground right now is probably medicated sobriety i.e. very controlled use of drugs for therapeutic reasons only. Might include a trip now and again, but fuck man, what a slippery slope it can be.
Doing psychedelics all the time is not a good look. One becomes totally paralyzed by all these questions and realizations to the point that everyday life and relation to others becomes impossible on any meaningful level, and when you surround yourself with people with similar inclinations, people just tend to reinforce each other's delusions, feed off one another, create "deep bonds" between people that are just totally superficial ...
Ugh.
Am I just getting too old for this stuff?
confusion is correlated to a directionless, wandering lifestyle
Which has a remarkable correlation with ingestion of psychedelics.
Correlation, of course, does not equal causation, and this may be a bit of a chicken and egg type of scenario.
I certainly have no problem with the chemicals; they are, after all, just chemicals ... like a handgun is a tool. But the way some people and some cultures tend to utilize the chemicals is like using that handgun to shoot oneself in the foot.
I don't know, man. I've been to the place you're talking about with various drugs, and with psychedelics. But when I honestly evaluate myself pre and post-psychedelia (I'm talking modern days too, not the years after first getting into them), I can truly say that I feel much more focused in my life now. Before I was directionless, pretty much just interested in having fun, not really working for things very hard. Not really believing in much. I was happy, and in some ways life was easier, absolutely. But I was also a very shy and introverted person... I had a really hard time meeting new people and being open with people unless I was very close to them.
Nowadays I am a much more open and sociable person who, though sometimes drugs have sent me into dark periods, can now say he is the happiest he's been in his life. Psychedelics taught me to stop feeling afraid of being who I really am inside, and to listen to my inner voice. And now I'm in a better situation than I could have imagined, planting roots, and following my passion instead of some idea about having a "good job" and rising up through the rat race.
And I mean, I admit I use psychedelics more than I need to, for sure. I use them as tools for writing, for recreation, and to put myself into interesting introspective mindstates. When I go for long periods without them I find it starts to get hard to maintain the state of bubbly joy that I pretty much live in every day... so at least from time to time I find it highly beneficial to ingest one of the particular psychedelics that works well for me and my brain.
I will say that when I use psychedelics including marijuana during times when there are things in my life that I am uncomfortable with or I know are wrong or that are otherwise causing me internal stress
Life is a lot of work. It's ups and downs, and it can be maddening. But I feel that, for me, psychedelics and I, in our current relationship, are good for one another. I'm one of the happiest people I know... I could say that about myself as a child, but as adolescence advanced and I transitioned into a young adult, that was definitely no longer true. Psychedelics helped to show me to the way to personal mental freedom and although I've been far from perfect in living what I've come to understand, I still to this day feel that psychedelics are a positive part of my life. When I trip it's extremely uncommon for me to experience paranoia or pretty much anything unpleasant. I can honestly say that a good trip on something my brain likes (DOC, mushrooms, mescaline, LSD though not as much as the others, 2C-E, 2C-B, various tryptamines) is like a vacation for me, where it's SO much easier to see everything for what it is and in its proper perspective compared to what is really important. It's like it all becomes so clear and for that period of time I'm experiencing life with far fewer things dragging me down. Tripping used to take it out of me mentally when I was having to work through a bunch of issues that came up every time, but now I can take DOC in the morning, have a great trip, fall asleep at night, and wake up the next day feeling amazing.
SKL, I wonder about your use of amphetamines, which are known to cause paranoia.
I understand we're all different, just contributing my personal experience. I think regardless if you're feeling like you have become a degenerate druggie and you need to quit, then do so, by all means. I felt that way late 2007/early 2008 and I did quit everything for 6 or 7 months... it helped me to clear my head and get myself healthier again.
