Paying Attention?

[KattyKorner]

So yesterday I made my girlfriend very upset after we went to a Rock shop, and looked at pretty rocks. She spent a fair amount of time looking at one specific type of stone, and then spent a lot of time looking through some rings.

I admit that I wasn't that involved, just looked at rocks and watched her look at them and look at rings. I made small talk, and did things like point out pretty stones, but wasn't the most "active" in the situation. That I admit is my wrong.

She got made because she said I should have at least thought that maybe she might have wanted one of those rings, or stones, and they weren't expensive, I just assumed she would have gotten one herself, or mentioned she wanted one.


I admit that yes, I should have had that thought of "she looks interested, maybe I should ask if she wants it or get it for her"
I just didn't think that because I assumed she would have said something or gotten ut herself.

I guess I'm rubbed wrong in the way it was done, where it was not mentioned, or hinted, just looked several times at some rocks, long time at some rings, ans then there was the assumption that I should at least offer to get one. To me that feels like a bit of a "game" where the rules aren't stated nor the expectations, and when I fail to meet these unstated expectations, I'm the bad guy.

I realize I did drop the ball and wasn't a good boyfriend for not seeing that or thinking maybe she would want that/I should get her that, but at the same time I also feel like it was unspoken expectations that I had no idea I had to meet.

I also did get her a rock and a little rock figurine while there, because I noticed them and thought she might like them. That also rubs me wrong, because I did think of her, but it feels like I'm in trouble because it wasn't what she wanted, or wasn't how she wanted things.

 

[xtcgrrrl]

Hi! I understand what you’re saying, here. The problem is, lots of women expect men to be mind-readers, or at least pick up on the hints that they drop. From my experience, men (and I’m generalizing here, this may not be true for EVERY man) are lousy at picking up hints. It’s far better to be direct with each other, and clearly state your wants/needs. But sometimes women feel shy or awkward about asking their man to buy something for them. It feels gauche to demand the whatever they want, so they’ll be indirect about it.

I would suggest that you tell your gf that you cannot read her mind, and would prefer that she state her desires explicitly. This would go over better if you also bookended this with an “I’m sorry” in the beginning (about not realizing that perhaps the thing to do would be to offer to buy her something) and with a self-criticism at the end (“I’m no good at picking up hints”) so that she does not feel like you are making the situation out to be all her fault. The blame often resides on both sides. But if you have this conversation, it may lead to better communication and less misunderstandings! Good luck!

 

[fastandbulbous]

Hi! I understand what you’re saying, here. The problem is, lots of women expect men to be mind-readers, or at least pick up on the hints that they drop. From my experience, men (and I’m generalizing here, this may not be true for EVERY man) are lousy at picking up hints. It’s far better to be direct with each other, and clearly state your wants/needs. But sometimes women feel shy or awkward about asking their man to buy something for them. It feels gauche to demand the whatever they want, so they’ll be indirect about it.

I would suggest that you tell your gf that you cannot read her mind, and would prefer that she state her desires explicitly. This would go over better if you also bookended this with an “I’m sorry” in the beginning (about not realizing that perhaps the thing to do would be to offer to buy her something) and with a self-criticism at the end (“I’m no good at picking up hints”) so that she does not feel like you are making the situation out to be all her fault. The blame often resides on both sides. But if you have this conversation, it may lead to better communication and less misunderstandings! Good luck!

You know, I mentioned to my wife, that emotionally, expecting us to get something equivalent to something from the times cryptic crossword, when some days, men find word searches challenging, is a bit pointless. No amount of flowery hints will work, when you need to say, "I feel crap this morning, would you make me a cup of coffee?" 9 times out of 10, I was more than happy to, as it became, "I could do with one as well". The other time out of 10, such as, "you feel crap, I've vomited in my boots", my mrs was happy to reciprocate.
Communication really is the bedrock of any relationship.

 

[pofacedhoe]

you bought her something but it wasnt what she wanted?

oh well tough titty

personally i would be more bothered by a partners overall contributions etc. in all areas

do they cook dinner, who pays the bills including food and how much, how much time do we spend together, do we end up doing what both sides want to do? who cleans up etc

how long have you two been together? also are you both employed?

i looked at your other post, did u cheat on her? whats was the baggage cos that is super vague and if you want the truth you need to spit the truth...

 

[axe battler]

Hi! I understand what you’re saying, here. The problem is, lots of women expect men to be mind-readers, or at least pick up on the hints that they drop. From my experience, men (and I’m generalizing here, this may not be true for EVERY man) are lousy at picking up hints. It’s far better to be direct with each other, and clearly state your wants/needs. But sometimes women feel shy or awkward about asking their man to buy something for them. It feels gauche to demand the whatever they want, so they’ll be indirect about it.

I would suggest that you tell your gf that you cannot read her mind, and would prefer that she state her desires explicitly. This would go over better if you also bookended this with an “I’m sorry” in the beginning (about not realizing that perhaps the thing to do would be to offer to buy her something) and with a self-criticism at the end (“I’m no good at picking up hints”) so that she does not feel like you are making the situation out to be all her fault. The blame often resides on both sides. But if you have this conversation, it may lead to better communication and less misunderstandings! Good luck!

It's funny how (SOME!) women are shy about asking for things, but then 5 minutes later aren't so shy about vilifying you for not having read their mind!
Women are a beautiful mystery...

 

[Dreamflyer]

Lol, something like this happened to me many years ago. I took my ex to pick out a ring at the mall kiosk the night before Valentine's Day while I browsed the videogame store.

While I was purchasing my Tony Hawk skateboarding game, the kiosk closed early and she didn't get her ring. Oh MAN, was I in the doghouse. She didn't even speak to me on Valentine's Day!