Pathologically sensitive

[MyDoorsAreOpen]

I should be a very happy man. I have it all. I have no good reason to be melancholy or down on life. And yet life feels unbearably heavy these days. I've already identified the problem clearly, which has been the source of most of my major problem all my life. I am sensitive to other people's harshness to a degree that isn't normal. I guess you could say I'm a sensitive person in all human interactions. But I notice it most saliently whenever someone is being less than kind to me. These instances, no matter how small or inconsequential, stick with me and haunt me almost constantly. I remember scenarios in vivid detail, and recall people's harsh words verbatim. My earliest of such memories was from when I was about 4 or 5.

I can handle many kinds of hardship without a problem. I've handled being underdressed in the cold, extreme physical exertion, having nowhere to sleep, getting by somewhere where I don't speak the language, tasks and projects that require a different kind of thinking than I'm used to, and so on. Being without electricity or running water due to a natural disaster is annoying, but doesn't really dampen my spirits. I've been broke, I've had my share of bad drug comedowns, and like all of us I've dealt with all sorts of losses. I'm content to say "such is life". I take kind constructive criticism very seriously, and have actually succeeded in changing a lot of my habits and attitudes as a result. I'm helping raise 3 babies and managing a (unusually merciful and non-abusive) medical residency, and it doesn't faze me.

But what I cannot handle, even in small amounts, is being rebuffed by other people, especially people I've made a special effort to get along with and work with. I'll obsess about it for days, and be unable to feel any joy. I know it's not rational or helpful. I know I should be able to just let it go. But I can't. Like I said, no matter how hard I try to distract myself, think about other things, or move on, the memory of being treated unkindly, along with lots of old ones of similar character, just pops up and invades my whole mind.

This is why I withdraw socially, and find myself feeling alienated from most groups of people I join eventually, BL included. Because being the way I am is not related to or respected by most people. I travelled the world driven by idealistic hope that somewhere out there was a land where I could just be myself and be forgiven my flaw. I've tried so many new things, new pursuits, new groups of people, hoping that somehow this time would be "it". I've tried to train myself to think positively and stay focused on my goals. I try to give others the benefit of the doubt and find more positive interpretations of the things they say. But every time, my difficulty "getting back up on the horse" has done me in.

I understand logically when people tell me to let things roll off my back. It makes perfect sense to me when people tell me I'm not the only one who has to put up with bad or unfair treatment at the hands of others. I appreciate people trying to give me helpful advice when they say these things. But more often than not I find myself feigning relief and thanks when people tell me things like this, because if I go on and tell them I've been trying to grow a thicker skin for years, they eventually have nothing more to offer me, and I feel like I'm burdening them or being a drama queen, which is not my intention -- it's really how I feel.

Being told to "man up" or "not be such a pussy" makes me angry enough to flip over tables. And this gets to the crux of the problem. Remember that tired trope in horror movies where the protagonist finally gets herself behind a locked door and starts panting and ranting to a sympathetic soul in the room, only to discover a moment later, to her horror, that the other person in the room is actually one of the monsters she's running from? That's what social interaction with everyone outside my immediate family is like for me. I can't be honest with nearly anyone about how distraught I feel, because I've found through experience that I risk getting told, no matter how diplomatically, that this is a tough world, and it takes a tough person to survive in it, so suck it up. This is worse than a personal rebuff, this is existentially scary. It gives me a feeling of having nowhere to turn. It makes me wonder if I'm just not fit enough or well adapted enough to the survival pressures of the human social world, and would be better off having never been born.

And so, despite being kind hearted and verbally inclined, I'm standoffish and reclusive. People like me until they know too much about me, so 99% of people I meet only get to read Chapter 1. As an unintended side effect, I get a lot of people who admire me greatly from a distance. But those last three words are key -- I find it hard to take such compliments seriously, because I know they're not based on a whole and accurate knowledge of me.

I really am at an impasse here. There are times I just want to say fuck it. If I were single and childless, I think I'd just set up a tent on some beach somewhere tropical and do drugs until I died.

 

[herbavore]

It makes me wonder if I'm just not fit enough or well adapted enough to the survival pressures of the human social world, and would be better off having never been born

I can relate very well to your post both from my own experience growing up and as the mother of a child that grew up suffering with the same nature (no doubt inherited from me, which made it even tougher). As you raise your little ones I know that you will see so many instances where their "natures" or the elements of their personalities assert themselves right from the beginning. Being born with an ultra sensitive nature is IME like being born with no skin. It was one thing for me to be born this way, to learn adaptations and strategies over time and to finally, after at least half a lifetime, feel like I have organically grown into ease at some core level of my being. Raising my son, watching him suffer, knowing not only how he felt but how deeply and completely he felt it and watching the male world in particular harden him on the outside and further trap him on the inside was excruciating for me. Like you, he was quite capable of amazing other people with his stamina, stoicism and even daring in many areas of life and I think the fact that he felt the need to hide who he really was and how he felt even more as a male is something that probably affects you, too.

The way that I look at my own, and others, ultra-sensitivity is to see us as completely essential aspects of the human continuum. I had two sons. For one, life was as raw and searing as a hot ember and it was compounded for him by watching his older brother for whom the opinions of others hardly ever even registered in his personal experience. From the outside, as an observer of two developing human beings, I could see both the incredible richness and the dangerous pitfalls in both their personalities. Our personal journeys with our own natures throughout our lives seem to me to be millions of mirrors reflecting this enormous collective evolution of the species. We need the pessimists. We need the optimists. We need those who cover their eyes so that they can go on and those that keep their eyes open no matter the cost to themselves. We need a sensitivity that hurts and we need those for whom emotions are neatly contained. No one person can be everything that we collectively are capable of but I think knowing that who we are when we come into this mess, understanding our own natures without judgement, is the way to finding ease of being.

I have had to embrace that my son suffered so greatly with his own sensitivity that he was unable to continue in this world. As painful as that will always be, I believe that his honesty with his family and a few of his friends continues to have a ripple effect far greater than any he could ever have imagined. This brings me to something that your post made me think about: honesty. I think that people will always try to "fix" someone that is openly trying to discuss suffering. We seem hard-wired to do it. One of the most ass-backward ways we do this is to compare suffering and point out that things could be worse ("man up! Don't let it get to you! Let it go and move on.") I have experienced this over and over in my life when I have tried to share emotional pain. I have also been guilty of inflicting these same words on others.

A turning point for me has been to push through that horrible dynamic--(I share the depth of my pain, someone else tries to minimize, distract or logically talk me out of it as a way to make me, and him/herself feel better)--and to insist that I do not need to be fixed, only heard. The people that have been able to go there with me are those that are able to live with complexity, uncertainty and depth. That is harder and harder to find, in America especially. The pain that your sensitivity exposes you to is real. Suffering the knowledge of the true human paradox--that we need others acceptance, and yet can never really be completely known, is the whole dance. Wanting to let go and step out of the dance altogether is a perfectly natural thought. It doesn't mean that you don't love your wife and your children with all your being. It simply is part of being a human being that feels, that allows himself to feel deeply. Don't let the thought scare you or mean more than it should.

In the beginning of your post you say, "I should" feel happy. I'm sure that you often do. Give yourself credit for that but also give yourself credit for knowing that the happiness you get from your family and your passion in your work and whatever else it comes from is only part of your experience. Feeling unease, fear, anger and disconnection is also part of living--we just don't want it to be! One of the best things you will ever impart to your children is all the facets of yourself, not just those that our culture deems strong and valued, but those that we are all afraid of, as well. What you are feeling is real and it makes sense. Finding one or even two people that you can be your real, authentic self with empowers you to push for that more and more. Everyone is hungry for that and yet few know how to either give or receive it. You are fit enough and well enough for this world because you embody something that the world needs more of, not less of, and that is sensitivity. It may hurt more to be this kind of person but that pain is not without value or reward. There are times that I look at my older son for whom life is so much easier than it was for his brother and I feel concern for him that he will have to work harder than his brother ever did to embrace the messiness and complexity of existence, both in himself and in others.

What is existentially scary, as you put it, has become for me a point of release. I think you are on that brink as well. Opening to that very feeling of aloneness rather than using it to shut yourself down is freeing beyond description. Your user name has always seemed poignant to me. I think that your doors are open and your struggle is to live with that in an authentic way.

 

[chrisalt]

I should be a very happy man. I have it all. I have no good reason to be melancholy or down on life. And yet life feels unbearably heavy these days. I've already identified the problem clearly, which has been the source of most of my major problem all my life. I am sensitive to other people's harshness to a degree that isn't normal. I guess you could say I'm a sensitive person in all human interactions. But I notice it most saliently whenever someone is being less than kind to me. These instances, no matter how small or inconsequential, stick with me and haunt me almost constantly. I remember scenarios in vivid detail, and recall people's harsh words verbatim. My earliest of such memories was from when I was about 4 or 5.

I can handle many kinds of hardship without a problem. I've handled being underdressed in the cold, extreme physical exertion, having nowhere to sleep, getting by somewhere where I don't speak the language, tasks and projects that require a different kind of thinking than I'm used to, and so on. Being without electricity or running water due to a natural disaster is annoying, but doesn't really dampen my spirits. I've been broke, I've had my share of bad drug comedowns, and like all of us I've dealt with all sorts of losses. I'm content to say "such is life". I take kind constructive criticism very seriously, and have actually succeeded in changing a lot of my habits and attitudes as a result. I'm helping raise 3 babies and managing a (unusually merciful and non-abusive) medical residency, and it doesn't faze me.

But what I cannot handle, even in small amounts, is being rebuffed by other people, especially people I've made a special effort to get along with and work with. I'll obsess about it for days, and be unable to feel any joy. I know it's not rational or helpful. I know I should be able to just let it go. But I can't. Like I said, no matter how hard I try to distract myself, think about other things, or move on, the memory of being treated unkindly, along with lots of old ones of similar character, just pops up and invades my whole mind.

This is why I withdraw socially, and find myself feeling alienated from most groups of people I join eventually, BL included. Because being the way I am is not related to or respected by most people. I travelled the world driven by idealistic hope that somewhere out there was a land where I could just be myself and be forgiven my flaw. I've tried so many new things, new pursuits, new groups of people, hoping that somehow this time would be "it". I've tried to train myself to think positively and stay focused on my goals. I try to give others the benefit of the doubt and find more positive interpretations of the things they say. But every time, my difficulty "getting back up on the horse" has done me in.

I understand logically when people tell me to let things roll off my back. It makes perfect sense to me when people tell me I'm not the only one who has to put up with bad or unfair treatment at the hands of others. I appreciate people trying to give me helpful advice when they say these things. But more often than not I find myself feigning relief and thanks when people tell me things like this, because if I go on and tell them I've been trying to grow a thicker skin for years, they eventually have nothing more to offer me, and I feel like I'm burdening them or being a drama queen, which is not my intention -- it's really how I feel.

Being told to "man up" or "not be such a pussy" makes me angry enough to flip over tables. And this gets to the crux of the problem. Remember that tired trope in horror movies where the protagonist finally gets herself behind a locked door and starts panting and ranting to a sympathetic soul in the room, only to discover a moment later, to her horror, that the other person in the room is actually one of the monsters she's running from? That's what social interaction with everyone outside my immediate family is like for me. I can't be honest with nearly anyone about how distraught I feel, because I've found through experience that I risk getting told, no matter how diplomatically, that this is a tough world, and it takes a tough person to survive in it, so suck it up. This is worse than a personal rebuff, this is existentially scary. It gives me a feeling of having nowhere to turn. It makes me wonder if I'm just not fit enough or well adapted enough to the survival pressures of the human social world, and would be better off having never been born.

And so, despite being kind hearted and verbally inclined, I'm standoffish and reclusive. People like me until they know too much about me, so 99% of people I meet only get to read Chapter 1. As an unintended side effect, I get a lot of people who admire me greatly from a distance. But those last three words are key -- I find it hard to take such compliments seriously, because I know they're not based on a whole and accurate knowledge of me.

I really am at an impasse here. There are times I just want to say fuck it. If I were single and childless, I think I'd just set up a tent on some beach somewhere tropical and do drugs until I died.

I was already depressed b4 reading this and now i think im just going to go stare at a wall for 24 straight hours. I feel alienated from everyone also (well actually i am but not by choice). How you describe yourself as kind hearted yet standoffish due to trying many things and never finding the solution is me exactly.

If you find a solution or answers i hope you share the wealth lol.

 

[hefe1313]

OP

it sounds like you are very intuitive, like me. you can pick up right away on how people are feeling. and you inturn take in their feelings and think they are your feelings.
i suggest saying outloud, i demand that all emotions that are not mine leave my body immidiatly. it does sound crazy, yes, but it has helped me!

i also suggest to stop focusing on how other people feel, or how they might feel about you, and instead try to focus on your feelings, and focus on being content and happy.