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Pathetic.

K

-Kitten

Bluelighter
Joined
May 23, 2011
Messages
283
Location
France
So i've been extreamly depressed about sex. I always kinda have been and with my fiance i always was sexually depressed once i found out about certain things and i'm kinda over it but not really over it and it just made my sexuality dead but whatever.
I'm depressed for a new reason and it isnt even his fault this time.

I think i made a post about this a LONG time ago months or even a year maybe more ago about how i was raped for years and my sexuality was fucked but i managed to make it through and be normal during sex even if my mind had some blockage ( i couldnt touch my self (still dont if im alone) and i would never orgasm and felt nothing during sex )

i found a guy that could make me orgasm and could make me feel pleasure and forget about my past. BUT with the pros came along cons.

I dont feel like getting into that though.

For a long time sex has been the same nothing new and it is my fault it wasnt always like this but now just to go on him and fuck him like i do in my head is hard now and i dont bother trying because im so fucking scared and thinking about his seuxal issue and thinking about my sexual issue. i never had seuxal issues until i met him. tonight for the first time in a long time i told my self " you need to forget his issues and fix yours" so i went on him for the first time in a while... and at this moment i realized how fucked my issue has gotten i was fucking not okay i just said nothing and tried to keep going after like a short while i just got the fuck off told him to jack off like he does every time (he cant cum) and then cried he doesnt even know i was fucking crying but it was dark.

i wanna be normal again and fuck him how i fucked all the others and how i used to fuck him and even better than that im not sure what happened nor how to fix it but i have this huge block with sex and him.
i dont know what to do anymore and i do try. i never touch him anymore, nnever fuc him anymore... i do nothing.

sometimes i think his sexual issues provoked me without me realizeing it but then again i dont know...

what should i do? how the fuck do i be normal and fuck normally again.
 
I'm confused. What are his sexual issues? Is it that they re-provoked your own trauma which you'd been managing to keep under control before?
I'm so sorry about what happened to you. I was raped once and it was horrible enough, I can't imagine what it would be like repeatedly. It sounds like you may have PTSD. Have you ever spoken to a professional about that? I've been doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy specifically aimed at PTSD and it's been helping a lot. It helps you deal with all the feelings of guilt, self-blame, distress, etc. that you may have and helps you trivialize the situation, in a way. I've just been doing it for a few months and although I still have some blockages when it comes to sex, I do think it would have been much worse if I'd left myself alone to deal with it.
<3
 
A - as I have said before, and many people in SLR know and have told you, you even admitted it for a short while - you and D are not working.

It will never work between you, what you have with him is a fraternal relationship, except he dominates you and charms you into staying with him as his fiance.

I cannot say much more about him and his issues, it does not really matter - that much is clear to us all from our correspondences - what is important to us is YOU.

You are in emotional and psychological bondage, and you are the only one who can make it better. Leave him, go stay with a friend, get a job, deal with yourself, and in a while you can see D again, and you guys shall be friends, like you are deep down, I know he has been there for you, but this does not mean you OWE HIM yourself.

Your sex life? Your sex life as a couple is indicative of everything wrong with your relationship, and I personally now get a bit upset(my stomach lurches and I get a bitter taste in my mouth) every time I see you posting here and on FB, thinking someone else can offer you a better solution than what we already have offered you - all it takes is the first few steps of bravery out of a toxic relationship, to get the ball rolling and picking up speed.

As Amy Winehouse sang "I can't help youuuu, if you won't help yourseeeelf."

Je t'aime, cherie, and I hate to talk to you so bluntly, but do what is right for your mental and physical health, and good things will follow, and keep following tenfold, one hundredfold.
 
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I'm sorry kitten. You sound really sad and I am sad to read this but it's hard to understand what is going on when you've posted other stories about this guy. Like bit said, I think you should walk away from this. Didn't he cheat in you ?

I realize you're being sincere and perhaps some of his indescretions stem from personal difficulties but sometimes there are just too many scars to fix something that isn't working.

Tbh, from what we know of the past, he is just as at fault for the issues.
 
Lol rangrz. Dammit that was my phone. Well played sir. Even had me staring at it for a min trying to understand what you meant. Doh!
 
Pagey:

His sexual issues are just he can't orgasm, he cant keep a erection, and etc. he chooses porn over a woman. His issue kinda i think made mine worse... During sex I'm always thinking a little and it is hard to really let my self go 100 peccent but bc of all his issues during sex i think even more about my past and about how sex just sucks for him and why am i even fucking him and etc.... its just stresfull...
I also saw a doctor for that and I do have PTSD but really he didnt help...

You're right and thank you for being so blunt i need it. I just keep on holding on and I tried letting him go but he doesn't let me. It's like mental abuse and i dont know how to get out.

Lysis:
Yes he did cheat on me and i wanna say he is at fault for veerything but he somehow makes it turn onto me and i just dont know.





Even if i leave him now i dont know what ill do in the future for sex and relationships. he fucked me up.
 
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-Kitten said:
Even if i leave him now i dont know what ill do in the future for sex and relationships. he fucked me up.
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Take some time away from relationships, spend time on yourself and getting your head sorted. Make friends, enjoy yourself, get out and do things outside of this (seemingly dead end) relationship, you will heal and be stronger for it. There's a whole world out there waiting for you to explore. Millions of people just waiting to be your friend and. Embrace it and enjoy.
If you want sex, others have said that you're an attractive lady; I'm sure it wouldn't be hard to find a decent no strings partner for the purpose of fulfilling urges if it's really needed.
Live your life for you and you will find someone who values you for who you are.

Good luck :)
 
-Kitten said:
*********:

You're right and thank you for being so blunt i need it. I just keep on holding on and I tried letting him go but he doesn't let me. It's like mental abuse and i dont know how to get out.
........

Even if i leave him now i dont know what ill do in the future for sex and relationships. he fucked me up.
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that's not my bluelight handle ;) edit post please. <3

You don't know what you will do? Here's a suggestion...when you have left him, read up on how to read dominating charming men better, until then cautiously approach til that day you get the hang of it.

Also he did not fuck you up, you allowed it in your vulnerability, it takes 2 to tango, he was just the more dominant character until you brought this to SLR and started talking to us. He's lucky I'm not in France.

Bises
 
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